Disclaimer: I don't own Peacemaker. Nanae Chrono does. I do claim ownership of the plot and the OCs though.

Men and Women

Chapter 3: The Lady or the Wolf: Soujirou

As soon as you were born into the world, you start making choices. Even when you were only an infant, you'd choose to smile or laugh when someone dear played with you; cry or be irritated when you're hungry or soiled your diaper... If one were to compile a list of the choices we make during our lifetimes, the amount of paper required would be as high as Mt. Fuji, provided they were stacked on top of each other, piece by piece. I said Mt. Fuji, and not the sky, because the choices are not infinite, because at some point in life people would choose to stop living and carry the list to their graves, along with regrets or contentment, depending on how well the choices were made.

As for me...

I made my life decision when I was but a boy of eleven. There wasn't much to regret on or be content about--I just picked my choice, that was it.

I chose 'Danger', the marking stone that led me down to a path whose final stop was 'Death'.

In my dream, the Wolf was 'Danger', and Kaa-chan was supposedly the opposite--'Safety'. The three of us were at a crossroads, which seemed to me has just materialized out of thin air, as was the blizzard of sakura blossoms falling from above.

A word on sakura blossoms. They are said to be flowers of transciency, grieving for the short-lived lives, all wrapped up in their poignant beauty. Casually, I caught a flower and cupped it in my palm, a little puzzled as to what could it mean with the mass of pink petals raining down on me. I was snapped out of my musing as soon as I heard Kaa-chan's voice. She was urging deliriously for me to come to her, at the same time waving a poppet--which eerily resembled a miniature me. In her other hand was an oversized puppeteer's device that could be used on a puppet as big as a human. And the Wolf, the Wolf was growling and smacking its lips at the same time. I wasn't sure wolves can really do that in real life, seeing that I've never had the chance encounter with one before. However, it looked hungry enough to bite off my head if I were to take another step towards it.

"Sou-chan dearest! Come to Kaa-chan! Kaa-chan loves you!"

I crushed the sakura flower in my palm and tossed it away. Holding on tight to my shinai, I eyed Kaa-chan and the Wolf to and fro, with a newly evoked feeling of uneasiness. The sight of the poppet she was holding sent chills down my spines. She was out to impose control over me just as she has been, for as long as I was her son.

Beads of cold sweat were trickling down my forehead. My hands felt so clammy that I had trouble grabbing the shinai. I was scared, like a little child seeing a ghost on a stormy night. I was scared of Kaa-chan, and the Wolf too...a demon of a wolf. Its fangs of danger, its claws of death were threatening...and waiting...waiting...

Blood rushed through the veins in my head, bringing forth a voice screaming for me to make a choice. The voice became louder and quickened in pace as it joined in with the drumming of my heart, amplified so that it was maddening. So maddening I couldn't bear it anymore!

Shinai in hand, I charged at the Wolf--or an illusion of a wolf, as it turned out to be. The fight deemed hopeless from the beginning, for no matter how hard the blows I delivered to the Wolf with my shinai, none could harmed the demonic animal. The moment I ran out of breath was when the Wolf suddenly became tangible as life. Agressively, it leapt toward me and pinned me down with its own heavy iron-like body. Before I could struck it again with my shinai, the Wolf snapped my sole weapon in half as easily as it were a toothpick, and slapped me hard. Part of my cheek went flying into the air, leaving a painful deep gash on my face. Blood, my blood, splattered red all over as I struggled to escape its vice-like grip on my shoulders.

Then, something really insane happened. Kaa-chan's face merged into the Wolf's. She was eagerly tying up my arms and feet with strings connected to her puppeteer's device.

"Sou-chan, won't you come with me? All I want is your safety...come with me, dearest Sou! Kaa-chan loves you." cooed her as she stood me up like one'd do a puppet. Her maniacal face was hovering over me. I've never seen Kaa-chan so frightening in my entire life. I shut my eyes and pleaded Kami-sama to end the horror right now.

This is a nightmare! It has got to be!

Wake up Soujirou! WAKE UP!

"Sou-chan, won't you smile for Kaa-chan? Won't you be good for Kaa-chan? Won't you wear this pretty kimono for Kaa-chan?"

I woke up with a start, feeling utterly exhausted as if I had just been wrestling Kaa-chan and the Wolf for real. My forehead, and my night garments too, were dampened in cold sweat. Frantically, my hands flew to my cheeks, groping to see if any part of them was missing. I was relieved that there wasn't. As I sat on the futon with my still-shaking body coiled up, kness affixed to chests and touching my chin, I felt scared and lonely than ever. Yet in spite of a crying impulse nagging at my heart, I kept quiet. Crying was useless. Nobody would come to take me into their arms and tell me everything would be all right and sing me back to sleep. No such thing. You might expect to get that kind of sentimental treatment at home, but not in an orphanage. There were simply too many kids and too few attention to spare for the bunch, not less one specific individual. That's why orphans don't live on affection--even deep down in our hearts we yearned for it--, no, we know better. We keep our sadness concealed, our envy for love buried, our tears flowing inwardly.

That's what I do. And what more, I keep a smile too.

The next morning was a beautiful day: playful wind racing passed the whispering trees, friendly sunbeams shining down on the spotless veranda, and smiling clouds gracing the azure sky--yes, from where I sat the clouds actually shaped like smiling faces, provided you squinted your eyes a little. I was sitting on the veranda, trying to make a shinai out of the few sticks and strings I've gathered earlier, when Takiko approached me with teary eyes:

"Soujirou-kun, would you play dolls with me?" Takiko was this short-haired, dark-eyed girl whose front teeth protruded outwardly. Her bunny-like teeth have been the perpetual target of other kids' rude teasing, which seemed rather stupid to me, as I thought her teeth were pretty cute.

"Um...I'm a little busy right now, Takiko. I'll let you play with me when I'm done, alright?" I smiled sweetly. To tell her frankly that I hate playing dolls'd hurt her feelings a lot--not to mention the series of incessant crying and wailing that would followed.

"But...Soujirou-kun! They're so mean they wouldn't let me play with them! You're the only one who's ever been nice to me!" She was trembling slightly, her eyes all watery again.

I sighed inwardly: Kami-sama, why did you give girls so much tears? "Alright, I'll...play with you." I picked up my unfinished shinai and walked toward the backyard.

"Soujirou-kun! Where are you going?"

Somewhere nobody can see me playing doll, thought I. "Somewhere we can be alone." I smiled at her, "We don't want those mean kids to wreck our game, do we?"

To my puzzlement, Takiko had this starry look in her eyes as she followed me and even when we started playing. She kept on smiling and staring at me the whole time we played, which caused me to ask if I had a smudge on my face--and she said no, you look lovely.

So I managed to drag myself through about fifteen peaceful minutes of playing doll until trouble showed up and wrecked the morning calm. Trouble was marked by a sour, provoking voice coming from behind my back:

"Heh, so it wasn't because you were too good for my candies, it's just that you love playing dolls better. I was right afterall. You're no boy, you're a sissy!"

I swung around, my eyes glaring daggers at the insulter--Shinji. She was the rich girl whose mom helpled funding the orphanage--the more reason for her to be the meanest bully around and still got away with her crazy escapades. More insults, encouraged by Shinji's acidic comment, from her group of cronies, followed suit:

"Eww! Soujirou's gay! He's a friggin' pansy!"

"I say we take off his pants and see if he has balls or not!"

Humiliation quickly turned into raw anger, boiling the blood in my veins, burning up my face and ears. Never before had I wanted to hit someone so much.

"At least I have Takiko as a friend. You don't." pointing to the group of orphans behind her, I hid my red face with a smirk, knowing I've hit her weak spot--judging from the sour look on her face, "You don't have any friends. In fact, you're so pathetic that you had to bribe them to be your cronies. As for your candies, I'd rather jump into a river than to eat them."

"Bitch." I lunged at her the moment the curse escaped her mouth. Kami-sama shall punish me for hitting a girl, but there's no way I'm going to let her trample all over my pride like that.

She kicked me in the groin for one punch I landed on her nose. It hurt as hell! I couldn't help swearing out loud, "Shitmatta!" This was no girl! It was a demon's child!

We were still fighting, slapping, kicking, and punching each other like two wild animals let loose--the kids enjoyed watching the fight so much they didn't bother to separate us--until Takiko pulled back my arm, which was aimed for a punch at Shinji's bleeding jaw.

"Help me, Soujirou-kun! They took my doll!"

The alledged doll-stealers--Shinji's cronies--were running toward the fence. Thanks to this diversion, Shinji got up on her feet and joined in with them.

"Shinji! Give back the doll!" Here I was yelling at the top of my lungs to Shinji, who was climbing up the tree whose branches were extended over the neighbor's yard, but she ignored me and kept on climbing, one hand clutching to the doll. Once up on a tree branch, she broke a long twig from the branch and tied up the doll to one end with a string she used to tie up her hair. Grinning like a maniac, Shinji lowered the rod down over to the other side of the fence.

"Sayonara, dolly!"

Takiko's face went grey. We all knew that the neighbor kept a mad dog in his yard for security purpose. The dog barked angrily every time Shinji'd lower the doll near its jaw--to Takiko's horror--and with one swift jerk, take the doll out of its reach. She was toying with it, but I could see the wicked gleam of mischief in her eyes. No doubt she was going to let go of the rod.

Without delaying another moment, I climbed up the tree and grabbed the rod from Shinji's hand. She refused to let go, and we struggled briefly until I heard the branch cracking under our weights. Before we had a chance to react, the branch collapsed, sending the two of us crashing into the neighbor's yard.

"Soujirou-kun!" Takiko was screaming frantically on the other side. "Somebody help him!"

In front of me was a monster of a dog, barking and growling in all its viciousness. I could feel the blood draining from my face as it grew pale in memory of last night's dreadful nightmare. Shinji, no longer possessed any of her usual dauntlessness, tugged my sleeve helplessly:

"Soujirou, do something!"

The dog was approaching...closer and closer. Shinji was frozen with terror--on the spot.

I smiled ironically, toying with a sudden wicked idea of tossing Shinji into the dog's jaws in return for all the troubles she caused me. That's probably what she would do in my place, but if I'd do it, I'd be no better than her.

"Give me your geta!" I grabbed the clog from her and waved it in front of the dog before tossing it in another direction. While the dog was still busy fetching it, I pulled Shinji out of her frozen position and pushed her up the fence. I tried to get her to climb up, but the fence was too high and her body, though diminutive in stature, turned out to be heavy as lead--I supposed it wasn't much of a shock, keeping in mind the fact that she has daily access to all of her mom's cooking.

All of the sudden, I felt a pang of pain piercing through my right arm. The dog's sharp fangs sank deeper and deeper into my flesh as I let out a moaning cry--its jaws were so huge they seemed to be swallowing my arm as a whole. I lost my balance and toppled backward onto the ground with the demon dog on top of me. The nightmare was replaying before my dazed eyes with all its horror--only this time it's for real.

The dog was about to tear my throat out when Shinji knocked it over with her other geta. To create a further diversion, she swung the rod with Takiko's doll before the mad dog, then threw it to the end of the yard--with the demon dog hot on pursuit. As we scrambled to our feet and climbed over the fence, Takiko's doll perished in the dog's deadly jaws.

When the doctor finally let me go back to the orphanage, I was astonished to see someone waiting for me by the gate.

Kaa-chan.

Before I could back away and run toward the other direction, Kaa-chan rushed toward me and gave me a big hug--which hurt a lot, but I only dared to groan. Upon seeing my disheveled figure, she gasped:

"Sou-chan! What happened to you? Who did this to you?"

"It's alright Kaa-chan. It's just some scratch." said I nervously as I saw her glaring with hatred at the handmade shinai I tucked in my obi.

"You precious poor thing!" was what she kept on repeating on our way to the inn in which she was lodging. There she bandaged me up and made a fuss out of every scratch she encountered, then finally upon seeing the dog's bite on my right arm, she concluded that I was to stay home with her and never again have anything to do with such "violent" thing as fighting again.

"No! No, Kaa-chan, you don't understand! I'm fine, really!"

My disobedience was her cue to erupt into a catatonic fit. She wailed and lamented on how she was fearful of losing me, of seeing me hurt, all the while clutching onto me without letting go. I struggled until I was so weary I gave up and fell into a much obliged sleep. The next day I tried to sneak out early in the morning. Turned out it still wasn't early enough, for Kaa-chan was already up and was putting wood into the fire underneath the stove to cook some sort of soup. As I came closer to the stove, a realization hit me hard like a stone bolder dropped on my head: it wasn't wood that Kaa-chan fed the fire! It was the pieces of my shinai!

"Kaa-chan! What are you doing!" gasped I in horror. Without thinking, I thrusted my good hand into the fire to try to retrieve the pieces. Flames seared through it, causing my hand to immediately go up to my earlobe. I'd try a second time, but Kaa-chan already pulled me back away from the stove.

"Sou-chan! Are you crazy? You could've been burn to death!" There was a really agitated look on her face as she held my left hand--which was blistering from the burns.

"You're the crazy one!" I cried out loud in anguish--something I'd rarely do. "Why did you burn my shinai?"

"Sou-chan! Don't you understand?" wailed Kaa-chan loudly as she began to descend into a state of madness. "I only want you to be safe! Don't you know how much my heart ached when I saw you beaten black and blue like yesterday? No, even if it means you hate me, I won't let you touch a sword! Don't you remember how your father died? He died by his sword, Sou-chan! By his sword! He has broken my heart enough, I beg you please don't do it again! I won't let you go, dearest Sou! I'm not gonna let violence tear you from me! I won't!"

"Enough!" I screamed. "I've had it enough with acting like a girl! Enough with flowery kimonos and playing dolls! You think you can keep me safe by converting me into a girl, but you're wrong!"

All buried shame, all suppressed tears, all hidden anger, and all the memory of yesterday's humiliation bellowed out of my mouth. I was just as hysterical as her. "You're twisted, Kaa-chan, and I'm afraid of you! Will you please just stop! I'm a boy, not a girl, don't you get it?"

Even after that was spoken, Kaa-chan remained hysterical. She was clutching violently to my sleeves to keep me from running away. In a desperate attempt to escape, I jerked away with all strength I could muster, and the sleeve ripped off my yukata with an angry sound of tearing fabric--rendering Kaa-chan toppled backward, still crying...still wailing...still screaming 'Sou-chan'...

I ran so fast. I ran as if the Demon was behind me, swinging his axe to slit my throat. I ran until my legs could no longer support the invisible weights chained to them--they crumbled--, and I collapsed down to the grassy riverbank in exhaustion.

Kaa-chan. I used to love her so much. She used to be...normal!

I felt horrible when I uttered those words. That I was scared of her. A child scared of his own mother!

No, I didn't break her heart. I destroyed it.

Why did it have to come down to this--the insanity! the madness! My injured hands balled into fists and crashed down onto the dirt. So overwhelmed with utter frustration, I kept on hitting my head against the ground--it didn't occurred to me as painful. My emotions were in turmoil: anger, shame and guilt all fused together, stabbing from the inside of my chest, screaming to be let out.

So I let them all out. My mind went blank, and my soul was void.

It wasn't until I looked up that I realized tears were streaming down my cheeks--I was crying--and what worse, someone else was here to see it too.

Shinji.

I turned away. Of all people, she was the last human being whom I wanted to be here.

"It's alright. You can cry if you want to. I won't tell." said her, offering me a silken handkerchief. I didn't take it.

"Would you do me a favor? I need to be alone."

"At least eat my mochi first!" She extended the box of sweets to me.

I glared at her with disbelief. "Stop mocking me."

She continued to urge, holding out a piece of mochi in my face. Irritated, I shoved her hand out of the way. I was about to turn my back and leave, but stopped when I caught sight of her blistered hand. There were cuts all over it.

"I worked so hard to make them." She lowered her eyes timidly, "I'm sorry I acted like a sore bitch. I'm sorry I made fun of you."

My heart actually softened at this sudden turnout. Nevertheless, my mind refused to forgive, "What are you playing at? Why are you doing this?"

She sat down beside me, "I'm bribing you to be my friend. Is that alright with you?" She was as straight forward as one can be. "I know bribing people is wrong, but for someone like me, it's the only way I can play with them."

"I don't see anything wrong with you." I mumbled. Lying was hard, but I didn't have the heart to be truthful and hurt her feelings.

"There's no need to lie. I'm like a rock, and a rock doesn't have feelings." Her eyes looked sad though she denied it. I offered her a mochi and popped one into my mouth. I chewed it slowly before speaking again. The mochi she made actually tasted good despite their ugly facade. Strangely, Shinji seemed surprised as I commented her on it.

"Honto ni? You think it's good? It's just that I never received a compliment before."

She smiled, her entire face lit up as brightly as sunshine. For someone who's always got criticized, a small compliment is the really an amazing thing.

We stayed by the riverbank until the sun went to bed in its magnificent orange and beautiful crimson colours. We talked and ate mochi and had such great laughs I forgot about the argument with my mother. It was the craziest thing! me talking to this...this awfully mean person--probably the meanest one I've met up until that point of my life. I could hardly imagine withstanding her bullying ways, much less spending the whole afternoon together.
She was still the same person, the same Shinji. The only thing different was that I knew the reason as to why she takes out her anger on others, just as her abusive father has taken his anger out on her.

Sometimes you'd greatly misunderstood people because you don't know about their past.

"You should go back. It's late." Shinji got up and dusted off the bottom of her kimono.

She said the same thing that girl said on the rainy night I ran away from the orphanage. I blurted out a question, wanting to know if she was that same girl who stopped me from descending any further down the path of danger. Shinji just smiled at me and said nothing.

The room Kaa-chan had rented was messy and deserted like the aftermath of a battle. Kaa-chan was nowhere to be seen.

"Sou-chan!" I turned around and saw my older sister, Ame at the door. She looked exhausted and unkempt. "Sou-chan...no baka! Do you...know...how hard it is...for me to look for you! I ran around the whole fief, damnit! the whole fief!"

"Where's Kaa-chan?"

"She's back in the hospital." Seeing the shocked expression on my face, she went on blandly, "I called for them to take her back."

"How could you do that?" I shouted to her face, "she's your Kaa-chan too! how could you...?"

She screamed back at me, "What would YOU have done? You tell me! She's a schizophrenic, the only place she could be safe is a hospital! Do you intend for her to wander the streets being like that! What do you think could happen to her?"

Tears were brimming my eyes. I clamped my mouth shut lest the sobs came out.

I missed Kaa-chan! I really did! I ran away that night just to come see her. How ironic it is that I pushed away the person I loved. I lost my Kaa-chan again.

Ame-neesan took my hand,"Sou-chan, it's okay that you cry, everyone does. But what you do afterwards is the important thing. You have to be strong. I'm going to take you to a dojo, and you'll learn kendo there, but you also have to work hard. Be strong, because you are on your own now, Sou."

"What will happen to you?"

She bit her lips, "I can take care of myself."

"I don't want to learn kendo, please, let me go with you!" Even the prospect of something as exciting as that became meaningless if I were to be alone.

"To tell the truth, I can't support the both of us. So I'm counting on you to support yourself. You may be a boy now, but I have faith you will grow up to be a strong, honorable man."

"You really believe so?"

Ame squeezed my hand, "I know so."

The lady was gone. I was left to fend off the wolf by myself.