Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything you recognize.

Author's Notes: Well here it is finally. Chapter eight. Finally. That took me a while to write. It killed me! It pained me to write! Actually not really. I just had some writer's block and wasn't in the mood to write.

But tonight my drag-queen muse Juan attacked me and made me do it. So thank Juan for getting this chapter. :-D Thank you Juan!

*WARNING* This chapter has more cuss words than any of the other chapters I do believe. Just so you know.

*END WARNING*

This one is dedicated to all the people that actually read this crazy thing. And so without further ado, here is chapter eight!

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Chapter Eight

Snape's Buddy

            "He's gone! WHHHYYYY?!" Harry cried in anguish later sitting in the common room with Ron and Hermione.

            "Don't worry Harry. He'll be back. Really. Nothing can keep him away from this school." Ron nodded in agreement with Hermione. These words didn't make it to Harry's ears because right in mid-air they were shot down by dead words. Word Fight II had just begun.

            "That was such a cheap shot. "Word Fight II had just begun." Har har har, very funny," a random student scoffed. Next thing he knew midget one-legged ostriches had kicked him to death.

            Harry continued to sob in agony. Ron and Hermione glanced at each other. They were running out of ideas to cheer him up. They had tried talking about Sirius, talking about Quidditch, tried bashing clocks over his head, playing house, saying what they wanted to happen in the next five seconds, but nothing worked. All seemed to remind Harry of Dumbledore somehow. Like that one time when they were boiling monkey fur and Harry bashed a toad over Dumbledore's head. Dumbledore had loved it so dearly.

            "Arboreal. They adapted outside the tropics," Ron muttered.

            "What?! What did you just squeak?! Dumbledore loves me! He'd never mess around with a wombat! Never! You'll see! We're going to be happy again. Happy! H-A-P-P-I!" a hysterical Harry shrieked running and jumping out the window.

            "Well that went well. Swell, this is just swell," Hermione declared. Ron nodded in agreement.

            "Monkey's don't eat bear, man," Ron said defensively.

            "I never said they do," Hermione said, a little hurt.

            "Yes, you did! I just heard you." The two continued to bicker until a fire erupted from Hermione's mouth and burned Ron to a crisp. How sad.

            Harry ran to the lake and fell to his knees. Then he got up and ran inside to the nearest bathroom. There, he ran into a stall and slammed the door. He leaned on the toilet sobbing.

            "DICK! WHHHYYY?!?!?!??! WHY DID YOU FAIL ME DICK?! WHY DID YOU DO IT?! WHY THE WATERGATE DICK?! JUST TELL ME WHY!" erupted through the bathroom.

            Just then the bathroom door opened. Someone walked in whistling "Like a Virgin". Harry held his breath.

            "Hey there stranger. I heard you say that you were havin' troubles with Dick. I sometimes have trouble with Dick." The stranger went over to a sink and turned on the water. Harry looked under the stall door and saw that it was Draco. Harry almost squealed. Er, he almost gasped.

            "You know what I do when I have trouble with Dick," Draco continued while washing his hands, "I go to my doctor. He helps me a lot. I can tell him about all my problems and he helps. Boy does he help." Harry's face twisted into a grimace. How dare he imply that!

            "He gives me something to do and it really helps me. I mean, sometimes I think it will never work out! I have this girl over and sometimes he just messes everything up!" Harry couldn't take anymore. He bust open the stall door and screamed.

            "I'm not taking Viagra!  What the hell are you thinking?!" Draco spun around so fast his hands were dry by the time he faced Harry.
            "Harry?! What the hell are you talking about?! Viagra?! What the hell?!" Harry stared at him.

            "Then what were you talking about?" he asked.

            "I was talking about Richard Nixon! What were you talking about, huh? You sick freak. You really are messed up. I just come in here to have a conversation about going to my psychiatrist and talking about my problems with Richard and you gotta be sick minded," Draco spat in disgust.

            "I was talking about Richard also!" Draco looked at him skeptically. He shook his head and left with one last look back at Harry. Harry thought he heard him mutter something like, stupid superstitious bastard but he wasn't sure.

            Harry continued to stand there debating whether Draco said that or not when Snape walked in. When Snape saw him standing there he stopped in his tracks. The two stared at each other.

            "So. Potter, what's happen'?" Snape asked kicking at something on the ground with his arms behind his back.

            "Not much Professor."

            "I was wondering, um, if you'd like to…"

            The Brian Setzer Orchestra's Jump Jive An' Wail played in the background. Lights flashed to and fro. People were cheering on their teammates. The Annual Bowling League Face-Off was having one of its best turn outs.

            Harry and Snape sat at the bar watching the people bowl.

            "That was a great game Professor! A 300! Wow!" Harry screamed over the music.

            "Thanks! I always did like bowling. My favorite sport you know!" Snape shouted back.

            "No shit! That's cool!" The two of them had about 5 drinks each thus far and there was no sign they were slowing down. Harry looked back at the lanes, trying to see who was winning. He had stood in for one of Snape's players on the team who had called in sick.

            Soon enough the pair started getting tipsy. Snape, laughing hard from the story of Harry and Draco in the bathroom, almost fell off his stool and into a passing hag. Harry found this quite hysterical to think about and laughed so hard his beer came out of his nose.

            "You know Harry, I have a tail. Seriously, it's right…here." Snape stood up and showed him the tail on the back of his leg.

            "Whoa…that's really weird. How did it get on the back of your leg?" Harry asked confused.

            "Well you see…I don't know!" Snape laughed insanely. Harry joined in.

            "I have no idea how it got there," Snape said in his laughter. Silence fell over them as Snape stared off into the distance. Harry studied him.

            "You know, you're not so bad Professor." Snape gave a bark like laugh.

            "Yeah, ok. I'm not the evil bastard that hates your guts. Riiight."

            "No, I'm serious. You're pretty cool once you get to know you," Harry said, smacking Snape's arm. Snape looked over at him.

            "Thanks. Hey, I want to tell you something. Forgetting all seriousness, since I'm drunk!" Here he laughed. "I wanna tel yew astory. 'nce when I was yun, you daddy and 'is friends, they put me upsi' down…"

 * * *

Harry awoke to find himself in his bed in the dormitory. He rubbed his eyes and looked around him. He seemed to be alone. Jumping out of bed he thought of the dream he had had. It was quite a strange one involving Snape, bowling and a story about his underwear.

            As he was getting dressed he noticed a piece of paper next to his bedside table. He picked it up and read:

            Potter,

            Meet me in my office immediately.

            --Professor Snape

            Potions Master

            Harry found this quite strange as he could not think of anything he'd done wrong. Nervous about what Snape wanted to talk about, he quickly finished dressing and headed down to his office.

            No one was in the common room making Harry wonder what time it was, even what day. And for some reason walking made his head hurt real badly. It felt like he had a hangover. Not that he knew what that felt like and all…

            The halls were strangely deserted also. This must mean one thing…THE SCHOOL HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY ONE-EYED CHICKENS!  Harry dashed to the nearest spot where he could hide behind something and make his finger gun. Looking out from behind his post, he scanned the hallway. There didn't seem to be any signs of the chickens but you could never be too careful.

            He tip-toed past a classroom where he swore he heard a cluck. Deciding against saving the students till after his meeting he continued on. Five million more clucks and twenty shots from his finger gun later, Harry made it to the door of Snape's office.

            To be safe Harry used the secret knocking code. Tap, toodle, doodle, tap tap. If it was really Snape, he'd know what to do.

            Sure enough Snape opened the door and proceeded to do the jiggy diggy jig that would assure the audience that he, in fact, was the real Snape and not an imposter who was actually a one-eyed chicken dressed in a suit and grease.

            "Won't you come in Potter?" Snape asked with a hint of disgust to his voice. Harry noticed he seemed to be a little cross and looked like hell. He told him so.

            "Well, if you must know, which it is none of your business, I feel like crap. I have a serious hangover from last night. And that gets me to my point. If you tell anybody about what I told you yesterday when we were unfortunately drunk, I will make sure the rest of your life is a living hell infested maggot bread piece." Harry, convinced it was Snape, stepped inside the office and turned to look at the professor.

            "Umm. What are you talking about?" Harry asked cautiously.

            "Excuse me? What was that?! Did you just call me a cutie?! How dare you!" Snape roared.

            "No! I asked what you were talking about!" Snape looked at Harry with a sneer that could kill the faint-hearted.

            "What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? Do you think I'm stupid? I know what you're going to do. You're going to go tell all your friends and then I'll be the laughing stock of the school. I will not tolerate that Potter." Harry continued to stare. Then it all came back to him as if it was magnetic to his magnetic brain. The story, the bowling, everything.

            "Oh yeah…well I promise you I won't tell anyone." Snape studied Harry for a minute with his most evil glare. Then:

            "Ok! Well, that settles that. How are you feeling? Do you have a major hangover like me? Jeez, how much did we drink last night? Must have been fifty drinks!" Snape gave a hearty laugh.

            "Tea?"

            "Yes, sir, thank you," Harry said, smiling.

            "Jolly good!"

            Harry spent his afternoon having tea with Snape and talking about general things. Soon it was time for dinner and Snape said he best be off or the students will start to wonder what happened to him.

            "Not that they would care. They probably wish I were dead or something," Snape said sadly. Harry looked at him and patted his arm.

            "It's ok. That's not what they think."

            "Really? You think so?"
            "Yes, I think so."

            "Well, cheerio!" And with that Snape left Harry alone in his office. Harry wasn't very hungry on account of all the biscuits he ate, so he decided to head out towards the lake for a walk.

            The walk was quite refreshing for him but it also made him think about things. The think on his thinking mind right now was Dumbledore. Everything didn't seem right without him. Harry's heart ached for him. So much, he felt he was going to burst if he didn't express his love or hurt some how.

            "Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us, you have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. You're here in my heart and my heart will go on! But no! I can't go on! Albus please come back!" Tears streamed down his cheeks as he fell onto a rock. He sat there and began to sing.

            "I know that we have been through so much, baby but I still need you in my life this time! I need you tonight, I need you right now. I really need you tonight. What we have is so right! I need you tonight!" Overcome with emotion Harry buried his head in his hands and sobbed.

            "Please! Be a man! Stand up, stop those tears!" Harry looked up to see the Giant Squid at the surface.

            "Are you talking to me?" Harry asked the squid, sniffing.

            "No, I'm talkin' to that leaf right there. Yes I'm talking to you! Stop that crying and do something! Go find Dumbledore! Make Dumbledore a card for when he comes back! But for God's sake stop being a crybaby! I can't take it anymore! These kids come down to my lake and all they do is cry and cry. No treats for me, no that'd be too kind. Not even a friendly hello; just boo hoo, my life sucks…" The squid continued to grumble as he submerged.

            Harry thanked the squid for the suggestions. That's what he'd do. He'd make a card for Albus Dumbledore, the sexiest man alive, for when he came back. He skipped back up to the castle, formulating in his mind what the card was going to say.

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There you have it. Enjoy? Hope so. And chapter nine, hopefully, won't take so long to get out. Thanks for reading! Cheerio!