Disclaimer: I do not own anything that you recognize.

Author's Notes: Holy smokes, it's the ninth chapter. Took me long enough, eh? I know, I'm such a slacker.

I want you to know that every word about the worms (you'll know what I'm talking about later) is true. It was all said in my biology class. No joke. It made for an interesting class period.

I don't have much else to say so read, enjoy, and please review!

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Chapter Nine

Wee Little Man

"Yesss! So good! Man! No no! Come on! That was cheap! Yes!" Harry bounced up and down. Just then Ron walked in.

"Dude, what are you doing, dude?" he asked.

"Whoo! Yes! Look at that! Oh hey, I'm just—NO! Come ON!—playing a good game of pinball."

"Oh. Aren't you supposed to be making a card for Dumbledore for when he gets back?"

"Oh yeah." Harry put the pinball machine in his pocket and went over to his craft items that were lying about.

"Say, how did you know that I had a card to make?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" A large woman fell from the sky. I mean a LARGE woman. How she was able to fall and not get caught up on the ceiling for being so wide, only sassy frats knows.

Harry ran to catch her. Thank goodness he caught her on a bed or trouble might have been knocking at his door. When she stood up, her head knocked the chandelier. She was as wide as she was tall. Ron pushed his way around her arm.

"Harry! Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Harry muttered, freeing his face from the woman's enormous, pungent knee.

"Harry Potter, can you shrink me so that I may walk through doors? I seem to be too large to do so now."

"No kidding. Everywhere I look in this room all I see is you," Ron muttered under his breath.

"Ron! That's not a pleasant thing to say!" Hermione spat climbing out from under the nearest bed.

"Oh! So that was your hand I saw under the bed when I came in!" Harry said, freeing one of his legs from under a piece of the woman's calf just to have it immediately covered by another piece.

"Yes, I was under there having a meeting with the dust bunnies. Do you know that they really are treated unfairly? Anyway, I was coming out when you came in. And Ron," she turned to him, "I hate you, but not forever because we are obviously written to be together. So goodbye forever but not really!" With that she stormed out.

"Harry, I don't want to interrupt but can you please shrink me so that I can be on my way?"

"Yeah, sure, hang on one second; I have to get my wand." Harry crawled out from under her and went under the bed. He dug around in his pockets for his wand. He found it with is bag of peach lip gloss. Hmm, better save that for later, he thought.

Harry climbed back out from under the bed and was immediately covered with the woman's thigh. He lifted his hand as high as he could and muttered the shrinking spell. Instead, though, of shrinking down, the woman went up in the air so that she fell down. Gravity is a bitch.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" A woman who was now normal size fell from the sky. Harry ran to catch her. Unfortunately this time when he caught her they didn't land on a bed. The woman stood up, thanked Harry and walked out. Ron ran over to his pal.

"Dude, are you okay dude?" Harry looked up at Ron and opened his mouth:

"AAAARRRHHHHHZZZGGGHHHALLLLREOOUOODDDDD!" Tony Shalob waddled in.

"What's the matter with them?" he asked Tim Allen as he joined him.

"I don't know; you want to see the rest of the ship?" The two walked into the bathroom, Tim describing everything. Harry still lay on the floor holding his knee. When he caught the woman his leg was crushed. Before Ron could go over and help him to the hospital wing the dormitory door burst open. None other than a Cornileous Fudge/Narcissa Malfoy/Seamus Finnigan/Patil twins look alike stood in the doorway.

"Yay! Now I can use the stuff I learned from home to mend this broken bone!" he she it he chanted jumping in the air.

"Oh my God, it's dddddiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppp!" Ron squealed.

"No, silly it's fixed!"

"Oh." And by George, that look alike was right. Harry's leg was magically, pun intended, healed.

"Wow! How did you do that?" Harry asked admiring his newly fixed leg.

"I thought about it being pretty and nice and then my thoughts left my hair and went and wrapped up your leg in love and sprite and."

Cricket cricket because crickets go cricket.

"Any who's, I have a card to make," Harry said, passing the look alike to go downstairs. As he got to the bottom step he realized he forgot his craft stuff so he went back and got it then went downstairs.

Just as Harry reached the second to the last step, a burst of fire came his way. He dove to his right and backed against the wall.

"I know what you're looking for Dragon Ball Y! You'll have to get it through my dead body!" Harry screamed over his shoulder. A purple-scaled dragon roared with rage at the bottom of the steps. Flames licked his lips; smoke billowed from his nostrils, his eyes flashed dangerously.

"Really?! Well come out and fight tiny man!" the dragon roared in his dragon-y accent. Harry jumped out from the wall and landed on the third step, two away from the dragon.

"Come on scale brain!"

"Bring it on four eyes!
The two stared at each other. Harry's eye twitched. The dragon's eyes became slits. A bead of sweat fell from Harry's nose. The dragon's eyes began to water.

"I'm going to win…" Harry whispered, his left eye twitching, threatening to close. The dragon opened his mouth to retort—

"Here Harry a card for Dumbledore. I made it for you."

"Oh thanks! Well, best be going then. Next Thursday, same time?"

"Jolly! I look forward to the day," the dragon answered skipping to the window and jumping out.

Harry walked over to the table by the window that the dragon jumped out of and watched him fly into the distance.

"Some day," he said, "I'll fly far off with him. I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch that open sky…okay, I need an envelope."

As he went to sit down an elf appeared. Harry screamed like a schoolgirl. Again.

"AHHHH!" screamed Harry.

"AHHHH!" yelled the elf.

"AHHHH!" hollered Harry.

"AHHHH!" cried the elf.

"AHHHH!" danced Harry.

"AHHHH!" sneezed the elf.

"AHHHH!" flopped Harry.

"AHH—okay, enough of that. I'm here to give you an envelope so I can take the card to Dumbledore right now. Say, did you know that worms actually eat dirt and spit it out their butt? Pretty cool, eh? So, how about that card. Let me have it," the elf squeaked.

"You talk to Dumb—worms actually eat dirt? Holy shiitake shit. That's amazing. Anyway, you talk to Albus, not Dumb, but Albus and know where he is? Where is he?! Tell me! Tell me NOW!" Harry grabbed the elf by the bell on his knee and shook him.

"I…can't…tell…you! I'm…under…orders! Stop…shaking…me…I'll…tell...you!"

"Okay, elf-man that is tiny and has a bell on his knee, tell me."

"Alright, I'll tell you. Worms don't…twist and turn like humans do for sex. They just lay there." The elf showed Harry with his fingers, one laying on the other.

"OH MY GOD! I had no idea about that! I thought they had sexual reproduction! Like a drive-through sex release thing. Man, so they don't twist and stuff?"

"Nope, they don't. Maybe we should have a worm camp so you can see."

"I can't watch you sick elf! That's voyeurism!"

"Suit yourself." The elf jumped down off the table where Harry had set him.

"Can I have the card now?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure!" Harry handed over the card. The elf took off running for the door.

"Alright, see you later! . . . Wait, hey wait! I want to know where Albus is! I ain't drinking no blood clots you hear?! I'm a leech! I'm gonna find you!" Harry screamed chasing after him. The elf ran out the door.

Running down the hall Harry was unable to catch the wee little man.

"No!" Now Harry would never know what kind of underwear the well little man was wearing. He fell to his knees, ripped his shirt in half, and sobbed:

"WHHHHHYYYYYY????!!!!"

"I DOOOONNNN'TTTT KNNNNOOOOWWW!" the elf sobbed back. Before he could go back to his hiding spot in front of the window the suit of armor grabbed him and laughed,

"It's a woman's THONG!" Harry burst into laughter.

"What color?!" Before the armor could answer though the elf freed himself and ran away crying. The armor, sadly could not remember the color. Harry was depressed.

"I might as well do it," Harry stated.

"Harry no! Don't do it Harry! It's not worth it!" Hermione cried through her tears. Harry took a step closer to the cliff.

"I have to! There's no other way!"

"No!" Ron cried in anguish. Harry took another step. He sat down, hoping it would hurt less that way. Here goes nothing, he thought, the end of it.

"Who am I Hedwig? What am I?" Ron and Hermione stood in shock. They couldn't believe he did it. Harry stood up and shed a little unseen tear, staring off into the distance.

AT THE THEATRE

The people sat in silence.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" someone screamed breaking the quiet.

"That was brilliance! Brilliance you here?! Bwhahaha!" Steve Kloves laughed. Not sadly, at that moment a moviegoer crashed a tomato truck into the theatre, smashing Steve Kloves hands forever. But that's another story. Back to Harry.

The next week passed relatively quickly without a word from Albus. Harry, though, only realized this when he was not thinking about Umbridge and her decrees, Sirius, or Snape's class. Before he knew it, his meeting with McGonagall had arrived.

Harry wasn't nervous at all. He knew that he wanted to be an Auror. But he might as well go and get some information on it. His meeting was in the afternoon during Divination, which he didn't mind. Walking down there he wondered what they were going to discuss.

Entering the professor's office he noticed in the corner sat Umbridge. In front of her was a cup of some brown liquid.

"Ah, Harry. Do sit down. Cup of Miller?"

"Um, no, thanks"

"So…career. What do you want to do?"
"Well, I want to become an Auror." Professor McGonagall stared at him. She looked over at Umbridge.

"Did you hear that? He wants to become an Auror." Professor Umbridge snorted as McGonagall laughed out loud.

"You know, Auror's are a bunch of donkeys. Another cup Dolores? This stuff is has quite a kick, wouldn't you agree?"

"Oh yes hiccup I would hiccup Minvera. Quite a kick."

"Anyway, Harry. What was it again that you wanted to be?" McGonagall asked staring a little left of Harry's face.

"An Auror."

"Yes. That's right. I didn't know you had a twin. What's his name? Never mind, it doesn't matter, he's not enrolled in this school." She took another big gulp of her Miller and shook off some chills.

"Alrighty then. Here's some pamphlets. Dolores, have you seen Flitwick lately?" McGonagall asked taking another drink.

"No, hiccup."

"His haircut is so weird!" Harry decided it was best to leave. Maybe he could come back another time and talk again with her.

Out in the hall, Harry was struck with the thought that they were making fun of him when they laughed about him becoming an Auror. I'll show them, he thought, I'll show them.

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And there it is. How special. The worm stuff cracks me up. That was such a strange class that day.

Anyway, please review!