Innocent Resentment
"The feelings of those with stolen light"

Chapter 8 - TheResigned Coveter

I could lie. I could pretend that I wasn't jealous, I wasn't envious. In fact I did lie. Not outright but I deceived. But what could I do after all? It wasn't anyone's fault but nature. Which was why I was surprised, but not shocked when Kagome told us Ayumi and Hojo were a couple. Surprised because I always assumed it would be Kagome and Hojo. After all the pushing we did it seemed rather ironic that it had all gone down the drain. But I wasn't shocked because Ayumi was pretty. Just as pretty as Kagome was and I could understand how Hojo could fall for her just as easily as he could Kagome. They were both beautiful. And it wasn't fair. I wasn't.

"This is just great." Yuka whispered to me. "If Ayumi's with Hojo then Kagome will never leave this bad boy guy."

"I hadn't thought of that." I said without thinking. Would Kagome's secret boyfriend show himself now that there wasn't a rival for Kagome's attention anymore?

Part of me wished he would, out of pure curiosity about this mystery guy Kagome told us next to nothing about. And another part wanted him to stay away. Because I already knew what kind of guy he was. The perfect wicked indulgence. Flawlessly handsome and strong, Dangerous and protective and utterly possessive in his affections. The kind that only went for the prettiest of girls. The girls who met and matched their own wicked perfection. I'd never even come close.

If I wanted to be truthful it was jealousy that drove me to with Hojo on Kagome. Jealousy that she would have the beautifully dangerous stranger I wanted and could never have. But with the acceptance that I could never have him came the acceptance that Kagome could, easily. After all, I was the only one of us who had never had a boyfriend. Kagome had The Stranger, Yuka had just broken up with her boyfriend only 2 weeks ago, and now Ayumi had Hojo. I was alone, always had, and always would.

I could accept that however. Because that was how it was. It was a stupid emotion to have so I ignored it. After all I wasn't the only one who felt this way. It was pointless. Not worth mentioning. But I wanted it to change so much. I wanted to be lovely.

"So Ayumi. How was the movie?" I asked to distract myself from my own musings.

"What move. Oh!" Ayumi blushed, making her not just pretty but adorable as well. Hopeless jealousy pricked me but I pushed it away. I could never blush prettily like that. With I blushed I looked like a ripe tomato. Even Yuka had made a joke about it once. I know she hadn't meant to hurt me but still… "It was alright."

"I bet she didn't even see the movie." Kagome teased and I added me own laughter to the giggles that followed Ayumi's second blush.

I laughed but I didn't understand really. Oh, I knew what they meant but I didn't understand. I didn't understand what it was to have someone so absorbed with you that everything else around became trivial. I was the one who always ended up becoming trivial.

But maybe it was my own fault. Doing my hair, my nails, makeup. I wasn't good at any of it. I could paint myself up and down and in the end I'd look like nothing more then a comely girl with too much eye shadow no matter how light a shade I used. And then I'd cry from frustration and everything would run and be destroyed anyway. Hopeless. My looks were…

They were hopeless.

I was hopeless.

"So what do you say Kagome?" Yuka asked as the bell rang and we rose from the back desks and moved towards the classroom doors. "Now that Hojo's out of the picture are you gonna bring Mr. Violent out of the closer?"

"He's..um…not really a people person." Kagome said slowly.

"You mean he's not social either?" I questioned.

That was right. He wouldn't need to be. Pretty girls didn't need to be in the flocks the followed the popular boys around school. The real ones…the real ones could stand out on their own beauty. They were chased and had no need to chase themselves. To be special…all they had to do was breath.

"Not really." Kagome answered. She laughed a bit. "But I guess he really can't be. He doesn't go to school or anything."

"You mean he's a drop out?" Yuka exclaimed.

"He didn't exactly drop out." Kagome said nervously. "He…um…never went."

If he never even went to school he'd have been home schooled. Which meant he was rich too. She could image Kagome with him easily. Her perfection highlighted by priceless accessories. Gifts for her face, her form, her flawlessness. I don't blame her for being so beautiful. I didn't blame any of them. If it was anyone's fault it was my own. I could take better care of myself if I had stronger discipline. That's what I needed. I needed to be stricter with myself.

Then maybe I could have that special-ness too. I could share that sense of being important that came with a pretty face.

Right?