Seussified! by Cleo the Muse
Rating: G
Genre: Humor
Warnings: Death by Dr. Seuss?
Episodes: ALL of Season Eight--nothing was sacred, but "Reckoning", "Threads", and "Moebius" get it the worst
Synopsis: The folks at Bridge Studios plan out season eight!
Notes: Blame for this one can be attributed to Hephaistos' "One Fish, Two Fish, Nem Fish, Blue Fish" and Brenda and Eleanor Gracie's "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back"
Status: Completed as of April 27, 2005
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate... it owns me (eg).
Seussified!
At Bridge Studios,
'Twas another long day.
The writers were stumped,
Causing Brad Wright to say,
"It's season eight, people,
And what have we got?
Not one of you has started
To pen out a plot...
"A plot with the slightest
Bit of good sense;
Instead we've got 'lame',
'Boring' and 'nonsense'.
"Where's your wit, your pizzazz,
Your 'brand new season' zeal?
Is it 'cause Jack
Is now General O'Neill?"
"Oh, no, it's not that,"
One writer lamented.
"While we kinda like it,
The fans are demented!
"They wanna see humor,
Romance, and action.
'What's up with Ba'al
or that rogue NID faction'?"
"We thought it was clever,"
Another chimed in,
"To move T off-base
And get him a girlfriend.
"But the fans didn't think
This girl was worth beans.
(Though I'm told the gals liked
Daniel Jackson in jeans!)
"It was pretty silly,
That whole blackmail plot,
But we got to zat Daniel,
And that counts for a lot!
"Then that symbiote poison
We thought we'd give a whirl
Was up-staged by Jennings
Getting whooped by a girl!"
"Well, I sure liked 'Lockdown',"
Commented one person.
"Our creepy Anubis
Snatching bodies was worse than
"When Sam got her Tok'ra
Or Jack, Hathor's snake...
It was clear that it wasn't
Just a piece of cake."
"Hey, what about Teal'c?"
A guy shouted back,
"Zatting poor Daniel
Who was then shot by Jack?
"Running 'round the base
In that great 'Avatar',
The resulting body count
Was our highest by far!
"Alec Colson, the Trust?
All of that worked.
And Rya'c's marriage
Sure got his dad irked!
"I really liked 'Icon',
'New Order's One and Two.
'Zero Hour' was nice
Though that plant wasn't new.
"Didn't we write it
Back in season four?"
Another agreed,
Then another, then more.
"So there's an idea
For what we can do!"
Joseph M. cackled
As his merriment grew.
"We revisit old tales,
Tie up some loose ends.
Kill off some bad guys,
Kill off some friends!
"RepliCarter and Fifth
Are still out there, ya know.
Thor and the Asguard?
They're still on the show.
"Bring on Sam's double,
Who destroys her creator,
Then adapts to Jack's gun:
She's one smart Replicator!
"Then there's Colonel Maybourne--
The incorrigible Harry--
He's living off-world,
Does he work, does he marry?"
Paul Mullie was grinning
So hard his teeth ached.
"What about Kinsey?
What if he got snaked?
"We've always wanted
Miss Claudia Black
To play this gal 'Vala'
Opposite Jack.
"But Rick's not available,
His work days aren't many.
We can change a few lines
And it'll be Danny!"
"So what shall we do
For the eighth season's end?"
Damian asked,
Then another opined,
"I'd like to see Carter
Get married to Pete...
Then her Black Widow curse
Will have met its defeat."
But a clever screen-scripter
Put forth this instead:
"But what if Sam gets
Cold feet 'ere they wed?
"Breaks it off with the cop
And goes after the boss?
Just let that whole 'Sam and Jack'
Thing come across?"
"But the fans wouldn't like that,"
Said a writer who stood.
"Are ya nuts?" said the first,
"I tell ya, they would!
"This 'thing' has been going
Since 'round season three
(When Jack got an eyeful
In Hathor's SGC)
"Or maybe before--
I'm not really sure--
But it's way before Anise
And her bad Za'tarc cure."
"I recall that Amanda
Once said a while back
That Sam's perfect ending
Is fishing with Jack.
"Michael thought Daniel
Had issues to mention
About his time 'glowy'
And then his descension.
"And while Chris got his hair,"
Continued Peter D.,
"The Goa'uld aren't defeated,
The Jaffa are not free!
"So write away, people,
Put those pencils to use.
We've episodes to film
And there's no time to lose!"
Then all of a sudden,
Damian smacked his head.
"I've got it!" he shouted.
"I've got it!" he said.
"This year's little clip show
With a different approach:
A guy sees Jack's life
Through a stone or a broach."
"A barber," Robert said.
"Joe" he was christened.
(After four years of saying it
Someone finally listened!)
"Let's kill off Lord Yu...
Amateratsu, as well."
And so it was written
That these System Lords fell.
"But what of the 'good guys'
Do they suffer no losses?
No 'fallen hero' memorial
No speech from the bosses?"
"But of course someone dies,"
One exec rolled his eyes
"We killed Janet last year,
A death we'll reprise
"By offing another
That Sam holds so dear."
"We're killing off Pete!"
Came a fairly loud cheer.
"That's not what I'd planned,"
Peter D. then admitted.
(As David's big brother,
His protest was permitted.)
"But 'tween bug attacks
And her near wedding date
You'd think that poor Sam
Has enough on her plate.
"Remember, the Tok'ra
Are worthless (ask Jack),
So we'll kill off the good one,
The one named Selmak."
"But that's Carter's dad!"
A scripter then cried.
The execs didn't falter,
Their grins grew e'er wide.
"Oh, that's really mean,"
He merrily chuckled.
He then laughed so hard,
His knees nearly buckled.
"But wait, it gets better!"
He started to yell.
"Not only kill Jacob,
But she kills Daniel!
"He's survived zats and bullets,
Fought the whole buggy horde
But what if RepliCarter
Stabs him with a sword?
"He's snatched up by Oma
And the two have a word,
Then dropped in Jack's office
Nekked as a jaybird!"
"An' let's not forget Jack,"
Another writer then bade.
"It's not been since Laira
That this poor guy's been laid.
"Throw in 'another'
To give Carter some pause,
Then when this lass leaves
Wait for the applause!
"This gal could tell Jack,
As her departure is hastenin',
All these years without Sam
He's just been a-wastin'!"
"That's all fine and dandy,"
One exec then ruled.
"But what of Anubis?
What about the Goa'uld?"
"The bugs could attack them,"
A scribe then suggested,
"The galaxy's over-run,
The SGC is infested
"By bugs by the dozens!
Bugs by the scores!
Bugs running 'cross walls,
'Cross ceilings and floors!
"But a weapon most Ancient
Will come into play
Dials up all the 'Gates
And blows them away!"
"Deus ex machina,"
Another then grumped.
"An Ancient weapon they find?
You must have been stumped."
"It'll work," said a writer.
"If the team gets the gun
And can't get it to work
'Til the show's almost done.
"Under siege by Ba'al,
Who's been coerced by Anubis,
Ol' 'Bocci' then helps us--
Don't you think we can do this?
"The bugs learn about it
After they capture Dan
For the knowledge he gained
While in Glowy Land.
"RepliCarter holds him captive
While his mind's being read,
But he uses that knowledge
To control her instead!
"Upset, she then kills him,
But it's already too late...
They've fired up the weapon,
They've dialed up the 'Gate.
"The bugs are no more,
But should you think it over,
There's still a few things
We've yet to cover!
"Anubis is out there
And he's gotten real mad
That his plans were defeated
By Sam and her dad.
"So he fires up the weapon,
But before it gets tested,
Nuby's grabbed by Oma
As Daniel suggested!"
Brad Wright really liked this,
He liked it a lot.
"But this doesn't tie up
Our season eight plot.
"If this is our 'swan song'
Don't you think it should be
A step toward Atlantis,
The Pegasus Galaxy?
"We should wrap it all up
And get all set for them--"
Then Paul interrupted,
"They find a ZPM!"
"But it's not just 'around',
For what it's worth,
They find it in time--
Back when Ra ruled the Earth!
"SG-1 use a time-ship
Of Ancient design
But while in the past
They screw up the timeline!
"The 'Gate's not discovered,
The Command never founded.
Daniel's a teacher,
Sam is 'well-rounded'.
"Jack has retired
And lives on a boat,
Teal'c serves Apophis
(Who still likes to gloat).
"But a tomb is uncovered
In old Egypt land
With a tape in a jar
That tells of the plan
"That SG-1 hatched
But soon went awry.
Now the timeline needs fixin',
And they have to try
"To convince geeky Daniel
And super-geek Sam
That they can correct it...
And only they can!"
"I love it!" cried Brad.
"A great cosmic twist.
An alternate timeline
From a detail they missed!
"Ra took the 'Gate
When the people rebelled,
So SG-1 Daniel
Left a tablet that spelled
"Where the other Earth 'Gate was,
Near the South Pole.
They use quakes to track it
Like they did long ago.
"Sam, Jack, and Daniel,
Kawalsky and ilk,
Head off to Chulak
To liberate Teal'c.
"The whole team gets captured
By Apophis, instead,
Who interrogates Daniel,
Puts a snake in his head.
"Teal'c breaks them out
And takes out the Goa'uld spy;
Kawalsky and all
The other team members die.
"Sam, Jack, and Teal'c
Use the time-ship to go
Back to the past
Five millennia or so!
"They make their arrival
Five years after the first,
But that isn't the problem...
No, that's not the worst!
"SG-1 is no more.
Jaffa saw and did kill
All except Daniel
(Who must've hidden with skill!)
"He formed the rebellion,
Planned out the attack,
But hadn't accounted
For Ra's big ha'tak."
"Of course," said Robert,
Understanding the plan.
"The 'Gate was taken
When Ra turned tail and ran.
"With the help of the natives
They'll have to devise
A way to hide it
From Ra's snaky eyes.
"A distraction is added
To Dan's strategy
To free up the 'Gate
So Ra doesn't see
"The Ancient time-ship
Flown by Jack and Sam.
They snatch up the 'Gate
And take off on the lam.
"The team is successful,
The timeline restored,
And a fully-charged module's
Their hard work's reward!"
"The only trace left behind,"
Joe M. nearly flipped,
"Is the video the team
Left in the old crypt!
"They know that they did it
In a different timeline,
But that doesn't matter:
This one's just fine!
"So the whole team goes fishing--
Of which Jack is fond--
Finds out, to their shock,
There's a fish in that pond!
"Sam and Jack are 'okay'
'Live and well, Dan and T.
The team has gone fishing,
The Jaffa are all free.
"All of this makes
For a perfect show's end.
So what do you think,
Mr. Wright, my good friend?"
"I like it," said Brad.
"And it'll do fine.
But keep out those pencils,
To write season nine..."
"I like it alot!"
I want you to say
And send lots of feedback
A comin' my way
(But be sure to tell me
Who it is from)
At cleothemuse
At-yahoo-dot-com!