A/N: OK to me "medicine is about as much of a science as say…oh…voodoo?" so any medical stuff in here is completely based on what's seen on TV…excuse any mistakes…
Chapter Seventeen
The infirmary had been chaotic for the first few hours. The introduction of three new medical doctors that had arrived on the Daedalus had helped the situation immensely, but they still had one critically unstable patient.
John Sheppard's memory was slowly returning, continual flashes of his past life coming to him every now and then, vague memories starting to permanently plant themselves in his brain. He remembered liking Aiden Ford, a lot, and now he was lying on the operating table for the eighth hour in a row.
"Hi…"
He looked away from the operating room to see Elizabeth standing next to him. The room wasn't a proper operating room, but it had been made into a make shift one. No one was allowed in, minus the doctors, but John had refused to leave the outside of the room, and was watching through a glass window which he was sure the doctors wished wasn't there.
"You feeling any better?" he asked.
"I'm not numb anymore, if that's what you mean," she replied, keeping her eyes focused on the room in front of them. "Although there's still a strange tingling feeling in one of my legs, but apparently that's because of my injured knee."
"Bad?" he asked.
"It's almost twice the size it's supposed to be, Carson wrapped it up for me and left me with some painkillers before running off to help with the Lieutenant's operation again…" she said, crossing her arms.
John noted how she stood in the same position as him, and wondered if it were subconscious or habit.
"How long you been awake?" he asked.
"About four hours, couldn't move until about an hour ago though."
He noticed she was avoiding looking directly at him, avoiding emotional conversation. Things were coming back to him now, he remember the look on her face when he'd run off to fly the bomb into the Wraith ship, and he wanted to hold her in his arms and apologise, but he knew that wasn't how they were, they didn't show their emotions towards each other, especially not in public.
"How's Teyla?" he asked.
"Alive and stable, but she's asleep," Elizabeth replied. "I take it the Lieutenant's not as lucky?"
John shook his head. "It's not looking good…"
Elizabeth remained quiet, watching the procedure. They stood there for a long time, enjoying the comfort that the other was there with them, and worrying for the safety of their friend. After about half an hour the doctors dispersed, and leaving Ford hooked up to an IV and an EEG machine. A doctor they didn't know came out into the room they were still standing in silently.
"Dr Weir?" he said, cautiously.
"Yes, Doctor?"
"He's alive but unconscious, we're afraid he might slip into a coma but there's nothing else we can do for him here," the doctor said. "We've managed to save both his legs from amputation…but he won't be able to walk for a while…if he wakes up."
Elizabeth nodded. The doctor turned and left, leaving them alone again.
"Damnit," Elizabeth cursed.
"He's not dead, Elizabeth…" John said, quietly.
"He's not far off it," Elizabeth responded. "How could I let this happen? We should have evacuated when we had the chance!"
"Elizabeth, you saved the city…that's why came here, to explore Atlantis, and because we stayed that opportunity is still here…"
"I don't care about a city, John, we've lost more lives than I can comprehend, and we're about to lose another because we couldn't get there fast enough," she breathed in deeply, attempting to calm herself. "I'm sorry…"
He looked at her. Her eyes were watery, but she was still refraining from crying. She looked thinner than he remembered, and he wondered when the last time she had eaten was. She obviously hadn't had proper sleep in days and was so tired that she hadn't even bothered trying to hide it with makeup like she usually did.
"Get some sleep," he said.
"I have to stay here," she said, determinedly.
"Elizabeth…"
"I've been unconscious for five hours," she replied, still avoiding his gaze.
"That's not sleeping…" he said.
"I just…need to stay here," she said.
"Look, if either of them wake up you'll be the first person contacted, you know that…"
"But what if they don't, John?" she asked, looking at him for the first time, fear present in her eyes. "What if I go to sleep and he slips into a coma and dies?"
"There's nothing you can do to help…" he said, quietly, reaching out and touching her shoulder.
"What about you?" she asked. "When was the last time you slept?"
"I don't remember…" he said, smiling slightly at her.
She didn't seem to get his joke, and he understood it probably wasn't the time to be making any. She looked back in at Ford, her forehead creasing with worry again.
"Elizabeth, not everything that happens in this city is your responsibility," he said.
"Yes, it is…" she replied. "I took these people here, I led them here and they died because of it…"
"He's not dead yet, Elizabeth," John said, raising his voice. "And you didn't make them come, they came because that's what they wanted to do! Would you blame General O'Neill for your death if you died?"
"No…" she said, quietly.
"And no one blames you for anyone else's…"
She stood quietly for a moment, before turning to look at him.
"I didn't feel anything…" she said, her voice cracking slightly.
He looked confused. What was she talking about?
"What?" he asked.
"When I killed the Wraith, I didn't…" she looked away for a moment, then looked him directly in the eye. "I only felt hatred…I didn't care that I'd used a gun, that I'd shot a living creature multiple times and then killed it using the sharp end of a Wraith stunner! And I felt nothing but hate! I'm a monst…"
"No you're not…" John said, quietly. "Elizabeth don't ever think of yourself as a monster. What you did was kill something who has tortured and almost killed two of your friends, and would have done to every person in this city to get what it wanted. You did nothing wrong!"
"But I didn't feel anything…" she repeated, so softly it was almost a whisper.
"I know, Elizabeth, I've been there. I've killed and felt nothing, but you have to forget it, you have tell yourself that they would have done the same or worse to you given the opportunity, that you saved yourself by killing them…" he paused for a moment. "Trust me, I've killed when I knew I shouldn't have, when I knew that it was the other person who had the disadvantage, and I've felt that, it's haunted me for months, years…some of them are even still with me now. I think of the day I shot Sumner every night, wondering if I'd done something differently if I could have been there in time…I have nightmares about it, constantly. But I can't let it get to me, not during the day, not when I have other things to concentrate on, you just have to push it aside, I'm not saying it won't haunt you, but you have to be able to push away those emotions when it's necessary…"
"I don't know if I can…" she said.
"You can, Elizabeth, you're strong, one of the strongest people I know," John reached forward and pulled her into a hug.
She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly. Although she had hugged him in the cave it had meant little to him then, he barely remembered her at the time, but now it meant so much to him, to hold her in his arms and have her holding onto him for dear life.
"You need sleep," he said.
She pulled back, avoiding looking at him and wiping her eyes, not that they were particularly teary. She nodded, still avoiding his gaze and turned to walk towards her room. John followed, determined to make sure she made it to her room, rather than faking out on him and heading back towards the infirmary again.
"Why are you following me?" she asked.
"I'm making sure you're actually going to sleep," he said.
She raised an eyebrow at him, "I don't need you to tuck me in, Major."
He faltered for a moment, confused by her use of rank. He still wasn't entirely sure of his memories, of what was normal and what wasn't. This was one of those moments when he wasn't sure how to react. They continued walking till they reached her room.
She stopped at her door for a moment, and then opened it, walking in and sitting down on her bed, removing her shoes. John stood awkwardly in the doorway, watching her silently. He remembered something, something that had come to him while he'd been watching Ford, a flash, something he thought he remembered from being ascended.
"I love you…"
He remembered her saying those words, him hearing them as he left her, and it breaking his heart that he was leaving her all alone. He felt he needed to say something to her, to show her he'd heard…
"John I'll be fine," she said, finally.
"I know," he replied. "I just…"
She looked up, her green eyes piercing into his, questioning why he was still there. He didn't know what to say so instead he walked over to her and sat down on the bed, hearing the door close behind him. They sat in silence for a very long time, so much between them was unspoken, yet neither of them could find the words to say any of it.
"I'm glad you're OK," she said eventually.
He looked at her, her eyes were focused on the ground, some spot there seeming to have all her attention, but he knew her mind was focused on the events of the past few days.
"Me too," he said, still looking at her.
"I couldn't lead this city without you," she continued. "It wouldn't be the same…"
"It's Caldwell's job now…" John said tentatively, not sure how she would react.
"No, its Caldwell's job to be military commander, not lead this city…we were here from the beginning, people will still turn to us, and when we have no one else to turn, we can turn to each other…" she broke off.
"Can we?" John burst out, it all becoming too much for him. "God, Elizabeth, sometimes I feel as though you don't share anything with me. I don't know anything about you!"
"I could say the same back to you," she said, turning to look at him. "But we know each other better than I've ever known anyone…we might not know about each other's pasts, our favourite ice-cream flavour, our favourite animals, our favourite vacation spots…but none of that matters here…"
He took in what she was saying, and he instantly understood. She was right. They knew each other at a level that he had never known anyone. She had been the first person he remembered clearly, knew things about, remembered the name of; it was as if she was the thing that he most closely related with the life he was leading.
"Do you remember anything, from when you were ascended?" she asked.
He looked at her for a moment, wondering if the question was as simple as it sounded, or whether she was asking something much more. Something which he could answer, but wasn't sure if he had the courage.
"Not much," he said, truthfully, now it was his turn to look away.
"But you do remember some things?" she asked.
"I remember something," he corrected.
"You told me how to find Ford and Teyla…" she told him.
"I know," he replied, looking at her.
Her question was answered, she nodded slightly. Without speaking he stood up, remained there for a moment as she crawled underneath her sheets, still clothed in her uniform, and lay down.
"Goodnight Elizabeth," he said, turning her lamp off, and at the same time leaning down and kissing her on the forehead.
"John…" she said, grabbing his wrist.
He could hear it in her voice, the words that Elizabeth Weir would never speak. I'm afraid to be alone, please don't leave me. Words he himself wanted to speak, but would also never allow himself to. He stood there for a moment, her hand clamped around his wrist like a handcuff, he knew he was unable to move away at that moment, but even given the choice he wasn't sure he would want to.
But was it wise for him to stay? He knew it could be the only time he stayed, because if it became a habit he knew it would lead to something much more than a friend staying to comfort another friend and he wasn't sure that would be wise at that particular moment in time. He wasn't even sure if he should stay at that moment, he knew one kiss would be enough to send them over the wall they had so carefully built between them.
He walked around to the other side of her bed and climbed on, making sure he remained above the sheets, and placed his arm around her, she immediately grabbed his hand with hers and held onto it tightly. The bed wasn't quite wide enough for the both of them, but John was content with being uncomfortable if it meant Elizabeth was happy.
"Go to sleep," he whispered.
"Sedge…" she said, quietly.
"What?" he asked.
"It's my dog's name…you wanted to know something about me, there you go," she said, yawning in the process.
"Good night," he said in her ear, resting his head against hers.
He was comforted by the closeness of another. It had been so long since he'd held someone, especially someone he cared about. He'd distanced himself from so many, afraid of loss, but he couldn't help feeling something for the woman in his arms.
He felt her start shaking, and the grip of her hand around his tighten, and he knew she was trying hard not to cry out loud. She wasn't used to this, to war, to loss, and even now, after so many years of his own experience, he wasn't used to it either. It wasn't something one got used to, but it was something one learnt to deal with.
He let her cry in silence, knowing that it was the only way she would be able to fall asleep eventually, and after what seemed like hours she ceased shaking.
"Elizabeth?" he said, so quietly he was surprised when he got a reply.
"Hmmm…" was all she managed.
He lay there for a long time after that, contemplating his next words, whether to speak them, words he hadn't spoken for over a decade. But with her lying in his arms, having cried her eyes out, opened up to him earlier in a way she had never done before, and to have the memory of her admission running through his head, he knew that when he spoke them he would mean it…
"I love you too," he whispered, barely audible.
He got no reply, whether he was to take it as her having fallen asleep, or not knowing how to react, he did not know, but at that moment it was what he had needed to say, more an admission to himself than to her.
He closed his eyes, and for the first time in weeks he slept well, void of all dreams.
A/N: It will be a couple of weeks before my next chapter because I have exams coming up but promise an update as soon as they're over!