Chapter Nineteen

As John opened his eyes more memories flooded back to haunt him. Friends, family, loss, flying, joy, death, Afghanistan, Antarctica, the SGC…memories he'd had vague flashes of the last couple of days, but they all seemed to come in at once, like an avalanche of stories, all falling into his lap in an instant.

He was so confused by the vividness of his own memory that for a moment he'd forgotten his surroundings. It wasn't until he sat up slightly and noticed the clothes hung over the chair, the photo frames with unfamiliar people inside them, that that memory took over from the others still fighting for his attention.

She'd gone.

Somehow that didn't surprise him, when he'd fallen asleep the night before he hadn't expected her to be there when he woke up, although he was surprised that he hadn't been woken up by her leaving. It would all be back to normal now, right? The immediate danger was over, and somewhere in one of the memories circling in his mind, that told him that emotions meant less. Yet somehow to him they didn't, they'd moved in and they liked the neighbourhood, and he had a funny feeling they weren't going anywhere anytime soon.

He placed his feet, still clad in his combat boots, on the floor and stood up. He quickly made the bed, as he would have felt bad if he'd left it a mess, then he made his way quickly out of the room, hoping that no one would see him exit.

John Sheppard was never that lucky.

"Major? What were you doing in Elizabeth's room?"

He closed his eyes for a second, composing himself, and turned to face Rodney. "I'm not in the mood, McKay."

"Wasn't that what you were wearing yesterday?" Rodney muttered.

"As a matter of fact…it is, what's it to you?" John shot back.

"Oh nothing, I'm just wondering what you were doing in Elizabeth's room at seven o'clock in the morning?"

"Looking for Elizabeth…" John replied.

"Really?" he said, dubiously.

"Look, Rodney, I'm not in the mood…" John replied.

"She's on the balcony," Rodney muttered.

John looked confused. Rodney sounded as though he was actually trying to help, but from what he remembered that wasn't what Rodney McKay ever tried to do, unless it was to help himself.

"Thanks…" John said quietly before turning and walking in the direction of the balcony.

Elizabeth stared out over the ocean, leaning against the poll for support, not sure at that moment whether she could up without the support. She was tired, her body felt weak and she knew she should head to the mess hall and get some food, but she needed to be out there right then. She needed to have the freedom to look out over the ocean.

When she'd first come to Atlantis the ocean had comforted her, brought her thoughts back to her home planet, reminding her of all the balconies she'd stood on over looking the ocean when on diplomatic trips she had been on back on Earth. There she could ignore the fact that they were in another galaxy and just see her home planet. But that morning it wasn't the reason she was out there. That morning when she looked out across the ocean she didn't see her old home, but her new one. She could see how the place that had once been foreign and strange to her was now the home she had thought she'd left behind.

She heard the door slide open, and knowing exactly who it was, refused to turn around. Maybe if she ignored him he'd go away. Not that she wanted him to go away, but she was afraid of him being there.

He didn't leave, instead he walked over to her and leaned on the railing next to her, not speaking, but joining her with staring out over the ocean. She wondered if he looked at it in the same way she did, as a representation of something much more, or whether he just saw it for what it was, a large mass of water.

She looked at him after a few moments. He was so real, standing before her, it was hard to believe that only a few days earlier she had believed him to be dead, had known him to be dead. His hair was being beaten by the wind, and in a way it almost made it neater than it's usual self.

"You think they'll send us back to Earth?" John asked after a few moments.

"I don't know…" she replied truthfully. "A part of me wants to go back, but only for a holiday."

John turned to look at her. "You feel at home here."

It was a statement, not a question. He was showing her he felt the same. This was their home, they'd fought to keep it and they were staying.

"Yeah," she said, quietly.

Silence fell between them again. She continued watching him as he stared out across the 'Lantian ocean. Was he going to mention it? Or were they going to ignore everything that had happened. Her question was answered a few moments later;

"McKay caught me walking out of your room," John muttered, turning to face her. "I told him I was looking for you and he pointed me in this direction…"

She realised all of a sudden she was caught staring directly into his eyes. She couldn't look away, that would show her nervousness. She was afraid, afraid that whatever the decision they made next was, that it would be the wrong one.

"Yeah he came out here and offered me coffee, then realised that was a bad idea because we ran out weeks ago," Elizabeth smiled slightly.

He smiled back at her. "So what are you doing out here?"

"I just needed to be outside," she replied.

"We could go to the mainland later if you wanted?" he asked.

Elizabeth closed her eyes for a moment, the memory of the last time she was on the mainland flooding back to her. The pain she was feeling, seeing him in her head but it being so real. Kissing him.

She opened her eyes again and looked at the man in front of her. "I'd love to."

Moments later she regretted her choice in words. She'd seen something cross his face as he'd heard her say the word 'love'. She was being stupid, acting like a stupid high school student with their first crush. In the post-urgency of the danger they had been in everything seemed less clear, more confusing. Things that had seemed so crystal to her 24 hours earlier now seemed like someone had washed them in mud, so that she could now only see through the small gaps between the mud. She watched the man in front of her, suddenly afraid of what he represented.

"…but I probably shouldn't," she finished.

He watched her for a moment, the expression on his face turning from hopeful to sad before he smiled, a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"It's OK, we should probably both stay here, you know, in case something happens…" he replied, although she could hear the hurt in his voice.

What were they doing? It wasn't as though they'd slept together, they hadn't even kissed…not really, yet here they were acting awkward as though they were both hiding some horrible secret.

"I love you too."

His words echoed through her head, as they had been all morning. How could she ignore a confession like that? The more she thought about it the clearer the memory came back to her. Him saying her name quietly, her replying and then waiting for what was to come next, he'd taken so long to continue that she had almost come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to. Then she'd heard them, the words that she wanted to hear, yet was also terrified of facing up to. She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering the look on his face as he'd gone off to blow up the Wraith ship, the feeling of his lips against hers…as he turned around to leave, she grabbed his hand without thinking, turning him back around.

"I can't do this, John…" she said quietly, looking him directly in the eyes.

He watched her for a moment and she could see everything running through his mind, trying to figure out what she was referring to, it didn't take him long to figure it out.

"We don't have to," he replied, looking down at her hand in his. "But let's start from the beginning…how about dinner and a movie Friday night? I think we could both use the relaxation…"

His faced broke out in a smile that was infectious. She felt a slight grin spread across her lips as well.

"That…would be great," she replied.

"Good," he said. "Now if you'd excuse me, I have friends I'd like to check up on."

"I'll come with you," she replied.

The two of them left the balcony. Elizabeth felt the grin still tugging at her lips, but she refrained from smiling too much, reminding herself that her friends will still injured badly, yet she felt happy inside in a way that she hadn't for years.

Rodney stood outside Ford's hospital room, afraid to enter because of Teyla's reaction to him earlier, yet he was worried for his team-mate. He felt bad that they hadn't done more faster to save the two of them, they'd been through so much, when he'd thought he'd been going through a lot. But what they'd been through was a hundred times worse.

"Rodney."

He turned to see John and Elizabeth approaching. Something about them appeared different to him, like they were happier, closer even. He thought back to that morning and seeing John exiting Elizabeth's room, was there something going on there?

"I wouldn't go in there, Teyla was ready to murder me this morning," Rodney muttered.

The two of them stopped next to him and looked in through the window. Teyla was sitting still next to Ford's bed, although she had removed her hand from Ford's, the position probably becoming incredibly uncomfortable.

"I'm going in to check on her," John said.

Rodney turned to look at him, half expecting Elizabeth to reach out and squeezeJohn's hand or something, but she just nodded and continued staring at the people under her command, arms crossed, a determined look on her face. John entered the room and walked slowly over to where Teyla was sitting. Rodney watched as he placed a hand on her shoulder in the same way Rodney had earlier, yet Teyla didn't blow up at him as she had Rodney. Instead she turned to look at him and even smiled slightly at something he said. How did he do that?

"How does he do that?" Rodney muttered, more to himself than anyone.

"I wish I knew," Elizabeth replied. "He just seems to have a way with people."

"You included?" Rodney had spoken the words before he'd even though about what he'd said.

Elizabeth opened her mouth to reply but no sound came out, she shut it again and continued watching her friends in the infirmary. Rodney studied her face, she was hiding her emotion, careful not to show to him how she was feeling. She'd shown enough emotion in the past week and he knew that for someone who hid her emotions from him as much as possible that had been too much.

"We didn't sleep together, Rodney," she said, and then confusion crossed her face before she turned to face him. "Well…not in the way you might have jumped to the conclusion of when you saw John leaving my room this morning."

Now he was confused. He had assumed that John was looking for Elizabeth, just as he'd stated. To tell the truth he hadn't actually seen John in Elizabeth's room, just exiting it.

"I didn't say…"

"No but you were thinking it," she said.

"No I really wasn't…" Rodney said, now curious as to why she was jumping to her defence so quickly whereas she usually thought things through more carefully. "But now I am."

"He…" she pause and looked back at the infirmary, avoiding looking into Rodney's eyes. "He stayed with me last night, but nothing happened, it was just as a friend, I just needed someone to be there…"

"Someone or him?" Rodney replied, again regretting his words the moment he said them.

Elizabeth sighed quietly but didn't make out as though she was going to answer his question, a question that she knew he knew the answer to, otherwise he would never have asked it. Rodney looked into the infirmary at John as he pulled up a chair and sat down next to Teyla. He wondered what it was that pulled people together in the way that John and Elizabeth had been, was it just a natural reaction for them to care for each other, or was it because of what they'd been through? Or both?

Again the overwhelming feeling of loneliness swept over him. His mind wandered to Samantha Carter for a moment, wondering if he'd ever really had a chance with her. Thinking back he had couldn't help but wonder if her and Jack O'Neill had had the whole 'Elizabeth and John' thing going and he'd just been to blind to see it. Although he had seen it…maybe he'd just ignored it because he was in denial.

"That's what I thought," Rodney said, not looking at Elizabeth.

"How are you feeling?"

Teyla felt a hand land on her shoulder but didn't reply, John Sheppard knew perfectly well how she was feeling and she had no obligation to answer him.

"Teyla…ignoring me isn't going to make him wake up any faster," John continued.

She tensed and clenched her jaw tightly, not so much because she was angry at him, and everything, which she was, but more because she was trying to stop herself from crying. She was a leader, Athosian leaders did not cry, they had to remain strong to be an example for their people.

She felt John's hand disappear from her shoulder and a few seconds later he appeared next to her, having pulled up a chair and sat down. She felt him watching her, and could see him out of the corner of her eye, but no part of her wanted to talk, he just wanted Aiden to wake up. If he didn't she felt it would be her fault.

"I didn't do enough to help him," she said, quietly, surprising even herself that she had spoken.

"You did everything you could…" John said.

"No I didn't!" her voice was harsher and louder now and she could hear her own coldness.

She didn't want to be angry at John, but he was being so frustrating, why wasn't he understanding? She hadn't done anything, she hadn't done enough, that was obvious from the fact that Aiden was still lying on the hospital bed in a coma.

"He knew he wasn't coming back," Teyla muttered, trying to connect to John on a personal level as a way of apologising without actually saying the words.

"You don't know that," John said.

"Yes I do," she paused, thinking back to the Wraith torture facility. "He kissed me…"

She faltered, the memories of what had happened too much for her to deal with, the tears were fighting their way closer to the front of her eyes, wanting to escape from the ducts that held them back.

"He…when they took him, he kissed me, he knew…" she looked away, not wanting John to see her eyes shimmering.

She felt John's arm around as he tried to pull her towards him to hug her, but she shook him off, she didn't need his pity, she didn't want his pity. She wanted to go back to the way things were, before the siege.

"Teyla no one ever knows if they're coming back or not, it's a risk we take as soldiers every time we step through that gate," John said, retracting his arm, probably from fear that she would attack him violently if he didn't.

"He knew," she said. "You do not understand what it was like, to be there, to know they were coming, that it was highly unlikely we would be rescued, and then to see the fear in his eyes when they marched him away…"

She stopped and looked back towards John, her eyes were now dry, drier than usual, and she felt a though they were burning, the hatred for the Wraith coming from inside her and trying to eat away at her eyes.

"Don't fight this by yourself, Teyla," John said. "We're here for you."

She shook her head slowly."You all mean well, but there is nothing you can do to help."

"We can try," John smiled at her, and she instantly felt as though someone had lifted a load from her chest, he was her friend.

Glancing past him out to the hallway she could see Weir and McKay standing there, watching them. She let herself smile properly, suddenly aware of how much they all cared about her wellbeing.

"Thank you," she replied, then noticed that John was no longer looking at her, but staring straight at Aiden's bed.

She turned to look and saw his finger moving slightly. "Call Dr Beckett…"

John stood up and jogged into the room next door, at the same moment Elizabeth and Rodney burst into the infirmary, obviously having noticed their reaction. Teyla looked up at the strange human machinery, the readings on it had changed, not that she knew what any of it meant.

"Tey…" she read on his lips more than she could hear him.

She felt her eyes widen slightly as she leaned forward, reaching over and touching his hand, not quite sure he was there. He moved his fingers, lacing them through hers. She felt a smile spreading across her face involuntarily.

"Aiden?" she whispered.

His eyes opened and he moved his head slightly to look at her. She felt Elizabeth and Rodney standing behind her, but she didn't care at that moment. Aiden half smiled at her.

"Hey," he croaked out.

At that moment John re-arrived with Beckett in tow. Everything seemed to happen in a rush as people ran in from all directions.

"I'll talk to you later…" she said, removing her hand from his.

"I'm looking forward…" he said, before breathing in sharply, showing he was in great amounts of pain.

She smiled at him before she felt one of the doctors wheeled her away from the bed side.