Destiny
Desperation fills the
Emptiness and
Suffering of the
Trials of life with
Innocence lost for
Nobody but
You
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Roswell. If anyone wants to send it to me as a late birthday pressie- I wouldn't say no!
Rating: PG-13
A/N: This is the sequel to The Blankness of Memory. What I'm planning to do is take a series of one-shots through Tess' life up until she meets the Pod Squad. Who knows, if I get really into it I might take it through further than that! I'd like to say a quick thank you to my reviewers for Blankness. It meant a lot :) Think of this as your thank you pressie :p
I'm hoping to update fairly regularly with this, but with my AS's coming up and going to Peru in the summer I'm not sure how much time I'll have.
Wow this is turning into a long AN. Last but not least, there have been some awesome Tess POV one-parters floating around and I urge you to go read them! Because they're awesome :)
Thanks for reading and comments are always appreciated!
Chapter 1- Failure
I am the archive of our failure
And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am
Everybody loves you when you're easy
Everybody hates when you're a bore
Everyone is waiting for your entrance so
Don't disappoint them
Everybody loves you when you're easy so
Don't disappoint them
Don't disappoint them...
Sarah Mclachlan- 'Black White'
1989- Age 6
The noise is so loud. So painful. It resounds through her, echoing over and over again. It circles around her, waiting for its chance to pounce. Once more, somehow louder and more intense before. She looks down; sees the red that decorates her skin.
The darkness welcomes her.
The knife is large. That's the first thing she thinks. The previous knives have been small- kitchen knives, just sharp enough to draw blood. The length of it scares her.She tries to hide it, but he can see through her.
"Fear is weakness Ava. A human emotion, which, if allowed to run loose, can cause…"
"A human death." A clear definition- the first rule to live by. It is her main flaw, because she cannot turn the emotions off. They keep coming; keep pouring in from all sides. They sweep her away and she cannot even cry out.
They are testing her powers. Nasedo is so sure her strength will be healing and they have been building them up bit by bit. She doesn't know what to think. Yes she can heal, but is it meant to be that hard, such an effort?
The knife appears the only witness to her struggle. The silver point stares at her, reading her from the inside out. She turns away from it- she cannot afford to let anyone see within.
A human death.
Slipping in and out of the black she sees the window- the world. Her eyes struggle to remain open to take it in. The blue light ruins her images- it bounces off the buildings and people- morphing their faces into the monsters.
They're looking for her- they know her secret. They whisper to her and the messages strike a chord within.
Failure. Failure.
She tosses and turns, tries to get away but the voices get louder.
Failure. Failure.
He places the knife against the flat of her stomach. The metal makes her shiver. He looks at her, preparing her. She nods, building her powers up. There is a split second of silence- then he stabs.
Everyone in the small space is doing something. Wrapping, checking, talking, mending. The focus is on her, but she doesn't want it to be. She just wants to fade away.
She cannot think, she cannot breathe. The pain is so hard, so intense. It has never been like this before. She places her hands over the hole. They look small and pathetic compared to the gaping darkness. The blood rushes through, soaking over her palms, her fingers. She feels it dry on her skin, hard and irritable, but it soon sinks beneath the layers and layers of red that just…keep…coming.
She concentrates. She tries to force the skin together, yelling at it, screaming at it in her mind.
It doesn't work.
The blood keeps flowing- she feels the miles and miles of red like an ocean before her- ever stretching, ever lasting. Her breath comes quicker, sharper and her image swims. She tries even harder- she can feel his glare upon her. She can't fail. She's strong. She is strong.
The red pours on.
His eyes are upon her. Always looking. She can't see him, but she can feel it. The disappointment. She is a failure. Fear is a human emotion. She will die a human death.
Failure.
Failure.
Failure.
The world goes black.
Failure.
She panics, starts shoving at the skin, tries physically pushing at it. Why won't the blood stop? Her head swims and she can't breath, can't think.
She's aware of falling to the side and knocking the chair behind her down. She is sure the noise is loud, but it comes from so far away, echoing around her like it's from another world.
The door opening. A scream. Light changing. She's not sure what is real any more.
One thing is. The blood. She keeps pushing and then it happens, the skin begins to knit together. But now her vision is blurry, and she desperately keeps trying but it's too late.
As she collapses into the dark she knows two things.
Failure.
Fear.
When she finally wakes in the hospital she feels sore, tired. He is there watching. In wooden terms he tells her she had a narrow escape. She's a lucky girl.
From her dictionary she knows what luck is.
Good fortune or success.
Why is she successful? She failed. She sees it in his eyes, in every move he makes. She's a disappointment after all.
She notices the doctors and wants to scream. Do they know what she is? Will they lock her up and torture her? A slight shake of his head tells her he reads the panic in her look. She shuts down instantly. She will not let him see her fear, although it moves within her constantly. She will not show him how she fails so consistently. She will be strong.
The darkness claims her again.
When she wakes it is to the sounds of the car around her. He speaks without looking at her. He speaks of his trouble, the work he had to do, exchanging blood samples they took, making sure the doctors did not suspect, getting her out of there. There is more. She tries not to hear it.
Failure.
He tells her she nearly died and then what would they have done. No four square. No destiny. No Antar. It would have been all because of her stupidity.
Failure.
Lastly he comes to her letdown and, worst of all, her humanity.
She clenches her eyes shut, tries to block it out, but with one hand he brings her face to look at him.
She reads the shame in his eyes. Shame for her failure.
His fingers hurt her face and tears well up without her wanting them.
He sees them and slaps her, stinging her cheek.
They sit the rest of the ride in silence.
She is unable to stop the tears that run down her face.
Fear. Failure. It all leads to the same place.
A human death.