After the Prayer
by Roaming Tigress
I Will
"Oh, it's really nothing, Mr. Solis. You don't have to -- "
John couldn't quite finish what he was saying for I interrupted his little moment of modesty with a kiss to the cheek. It was just a friendly kiss, just a little gift of appreciation. Nonetheless, after just learning about my secret, John didn't expect me to be so forward with him. His jaw practically hit the ground in shock from my way of repaying him for his kindness and I closed it shut with a flick of a finger.
"Thank you?" I asked, curling my body into the tiny bit of space between him and the edge of my seat. "I had to, but you can't let Gabrielle or anyone else know. If she ever found out I had feelings for someone else . . . I would be very surprised if I would ever see her again."
My casual attitude had turned to worry as I thought about life without Gabrielle, the only woman whom I felt was for me. Of all the models I saw on that New York catwalk a decade ago, she was the only one that really caught my eye. Gabrielle was the prettiest and also the smallest, standing in at only at five-foot three. Where she lacked in size, though, she certainly more than made up for in spirit. Although her looks caught my eye at first, I soon came to adore that feisty finesse. After three dates, the rest became history.
There is no shortage of attractive women in Fairview. Although I'd likely cry if I had sex with her, I have to admit, I am attracted to Bree's old-time Hollywood appeal. It's that perfect hair which Rex had found to be a turn-off because of the strange way it didn't move, those green eyes, that prim way she carried herself. I could easily dump Gabrielle and steal Mrs. Van DeKamp right from under the good doctor's nose, but no, I love Gabrielle too much to part with her. Perhaps there was something she wasn't getting from me . . . If only I knew what that something was, if only she could see what I was trying to do for her.
"You said you just had 'feelings' for me," John said with a light shrug. "I'm sure she'd forgive you if she did find out. It's not like you've been sleeping around with me."
"I'm afraid of living alone, dying alone. I-I can't loose her!" To emphasis on my desperation, I grasped the collar of John's shirt. "Women don't want a man who she thinks is being unfaithful, John. Once you get feelings for someone . . . Stuff just develops into something more from there on." Once my point was made, I let him go.
"Believe me, I want to keep this a secret just as much as you do," John replied indignantly as he rubbed his throat. "I'd be the talk of the school if I didn't keep my mouth shut about it."
"If you think high school gossip's bad, imagine what would happen if Martha Huber got wind of it!" I fretted, settling my head on his shoulder. "A married forty-three-year-old guy, attracted to a gardener who's still in high school? That doesn't sound too good." Uncertainty plagued me and I became once more awkward about my awakening feelings for John.
"What if Mama ever found out?" I asked, abruptly sitting upright.
After having raised me with traditional values, how would she take to finding out that her son has feelings for someone who was the same sex? I worried that I would let her down. What would be far worse than to have my marriage turned to nothing would be to be disowned by my own mother. Mama was proud of how her son grew up to who marry the pretty runway model; the only thing that would make her moreso was missing was the family she had pushed me to have well before I proposed. She had always expected nothing but the best from m and had always been pushing me to be better and better than all the children in school.
A part of me wanted to stay with John and enjoy the thrill of a sordid love affair. I realized that if my suspicions on Gabrielle are correct and if indeed she is having an affair, then why the hell can't I? My other not so daring half wanted to run away from what may or may not happen. Either decision would result in the same thing; what people don't know what's going on behind closed doors, can't possibly ever hurt. There would be no scorned lovers, no blackmail, no talk from nosy neighbours or any disowning parents. At the end, though, I chose neither decision.
"What should I do?" I asked, slipping into vulnerable dependency.
Although I hate to admit to it, I am -- shamefully -- a clingy and insecure mama's boy. Even as a man approaching his prime of his life, I still need someone around to guide me and to protect me and to look upon. With my mother in the condition that she was in and my wife emotionally unavailable at the moment, I was forced to look elsewhere for that person to depend on. If that someone was the gardener, then so be it.
"You just need to relax," John advised, watching me get up off my seat and grip onto the pew in front of the two of us. "It's really not good for your blood pressure to keep letting yourself worry like this."
I exhaled deeply and shook my weary head. There the boy goes again, talking about simple, well-meaning fixes. "My health is one of the last things that's on my mind, but thanks for the concern all the same. I just wish it were that simple. I wish I could just sit down and relax and be Mr. Optimistic, just like you are, but I'm not. My faults are what make me, John. I can't change that."
"Mr. Solis, I don't want you to change yourself. I just want you to take it easy. Your mother is in good hands right now." With a little bit of hesitation that I hoped was shyness and not distrust, he placed a hand between my shoulders and lightly massaged the area with the tips of his fingers.
I closed my eyes, savouring the sensation of his deepening touch soothe my tensed muscles. I was taken back to the days when Gabrielle used to give me the same treatment after a bad day at work. It was part of a bath time compromise; if I washed her hair, she would give me the massage. Those were the good times when she was happy, and I didn't suspect for a moment that she was being unfaithful.
The blissful daydream of better days faded as I as I opened my eyes again. The light coming through the stained glass windows betrayed newly shed tears and the reality that I was facing. I had to realize that I couldn't expect the young man to be anything but wary after he had faced my anger. I didn't want reality, though, and I prayed a selfish, pathetically hopeful prayer.
"I want him to trust me, love me . . ."
John's caress moved from my shoulder blades and down towards my chest, making its final stop at my pounding heart. With similar tenderness, he guided me to sit back in the pew and put my concerns of love and trust at ease with just two words.
" . . . I will."
With that, he brought his lips up to mine.
The characters John Rowland, Gabrielle, Juanita and Carlos Solis are © ABC/Touchstone Television.