Surreality

By Perse

Chapter 4

oOo

Harry stood, his breathing unsteady, trying to fight the cold, panicked feeling in his stomach.

Sixteen was supposed to be a big birthday, and his parents had made sure that it would be. The house was packed with all of his school friends, a few teachers, and the entire Weasley family. They had spent hours outside on the back lawn, playing games and having a grand time.

Which was why he couldn't explain the sudden feelings that had come over him.

It was when most had left and only his closest friends remained that they had retreated inside. Harry had been sitting in the living room, watching Ron and Hermione argue and Sirius and Remus acting as if they were up to something he would probably regret. He had glimpsed his parents watching him proudly from the doorway. And, sitting back and observing everyone else, Harry had been hit with a sudden wash of frightening emotion. From out of the blue it had occurred to him that he would be lost if anything ever happened to any of them. From that he had spiraled quickly to inexplicable fear and a sense of doom.

He had slipped out onto the back porch when the fake smiles became to difficult to maintain. That was where he was now, watching the stars appear in the darkening sky.

He heard the door open behind him. He turned briefly, catching grey eyes for a moment before he turned back the sky. He listened as Sirius hesitated, then slid the door closed before approaching. He sat down in the nearby chair, holding the silence for a moment more, probably waiting for Harry to talk. Finally he asked, "You okay?"

"Yeah, just…morbid thoughts. I don't know where they came from. I'll be fine."

"Morbid?" Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow. After a moment he added softly, "You can tell me anything, you know."

"I know," Harry answered in kind. What would he ever do without Sirius, the one person he could tell anything? Even things he couldn't talk about with his parents…With a hard swallow, he finally confessed, "I was just wondering what I would do without you…all of you. If anything ever happened." He wasn't explaining well. He wasn't sure he could, for he couldn't even explain it to himself.

"Hey…" Sirius stood, coming to his side, seeming surprised by the admission. He reached to stroke Harry's hair. "There's no need for you to be worrying about something like that. We're not going anywhere."

"Yeah, I know that," Harry tried to laugh it off. But the laugh shook, and the grim look quickly crept back onto his face.

With a sigh, Sirius pulled him close. Harry knew intellectually that a 16-year-old shouldn't need to be cuddled like a child. But the moment of emptiness had shaken him so much that he tossed that thought aside. He pressed his face into Sirius' neck, twisting his head until he found a position where the glasses didn't dig in painfully.

Sirius stroked his back gently and simply stood in silence, letting Harry take a few moments of needed comfort.

What seemed a very short time later, the door slid open again.

"Padfoot, you can't monopolize the Birthday boy. It's not fair to the rest of us."

Sniffling slightly, Harry pulled away from Sirius and turned to his father. He adjusted his glasses and tried to give James a smile.

It felt tremulous, and it must have looked it as well. For James came fully out onto the balcony and closed the door, concerned look dawning on his features. "Harry, what's wrong?"

"Nothing…" Contrary to his answer, he pulled away from Sirius and latched onto his father. With his face in the man's chest he said, "You won't go anywhere, will you Dad? You'll always be here, right?"

James was obviously confused, but he wrapped his arms around his son. "Where else would I be, hmm? Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know," Harry said softly. He didn't move, soaking in the contact. The comfort from Sirius and now his Dad was slowly warming that cold feeling, and he felt less panicked. It was as if feeling that they were solid reminded him that they were here.

When he felt strong enough he pulled away. They were both looking at him with concern, but the real smile he gave them seemed to soothe it a bit. "I'm okay," he insisted. "Let's go back inside. I believe there were still presents…"

Laughing, they turned back to the door. Sirius draped an arm around his shoulders and led him back inside. Once there he released him, and James took his place to lead him over to where Lily was standing. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, hugging him and giving him a quick kiss on the forehead.

He complained perfunctorily and shortly squirmed out of her grasp, for his friends were watching. But he had appreciated the affection more than anything, and he was finally feeling warm and safe again.

oOo

"Harry," an insistent voice called.

Harry shifted away from the hand that was shaking him. He was sick of being woken in this manner, especially where he was being pulled away from a place he'd rather be. "Go 'way, Ron," he mumbled.

"Good grief, you are out of it. I am not Ron, and I think I resent the comparison."

Harry squinted his eyes open, realizing that it was Hermione who had woken him. Ron was nearby, however, and he took offense. As they bickered, Harry looked lazily around the common room and then closed his eyes again.

In the dream, Sirius and then his parents had soothed the ache away. But as soon as he had woken, it had come crashing back. If he could just go back to the dream…it wouldn't hurt so much…

"Harry!" Hermione was right in his face this time. He gave her as much of a glare as he could muster when half-asleep. She glared right back. "You have to meet Professor Snape. You're going to be late."

oOo

"You're late, Potter."

Harry, breathing hard from the run to the dungeons, fumbled for an excuse. "I was…studying."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "I did not ask for an excuse. There was no reason to supply a lie."

True, which made Harry wonder why he'd bothered. He figured it out easily enough—he had a feeling that Snape would go mental if he knew what he'd actually been doing. "Sorry," he mumbled, shutting the office door and reluctantly coming further inside.

"Don't bother sitting," Snape intoned as he stood and came around the desk. "The sooner we get started the sooner we will be done."

"I couldn't agree more, sir," Harry said with a smirk.

Snape gave him a bored look, then brought his wand up quickly. "Legilimens!"

He was caught off guard, as he always seemed to be with Snape. Harry really hated this feeling. The Professor and the office swam, leaving Harry on a whirlwind ride through his memories.

He was six, watching from a corner as his aunt and uncle fawned over Dudley while he opened his roomful of birthday presents…

He and Ron were coming out of Hagrid's hut. They made their way into the Dark Forest, following a little line of spiders…

He was looking through the banister on the stairwell of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. Hermione and the four youngest Weasleys stood nearby. They were watching Snape leave…

He was in the Department of Mysteries. Sirius was dueling with Bellatrix as Harry tried to get Neville to the stairs. Sirius jumped up onto the dais…

NO! He slammed the mental door on that memory, unwilling to see it himself, let alone allow Snape to view it. He let his mind rush onto something more pleasant instead.

Sirius draped an arm around his shoulders and led him back inside. Once there he released him, and James took his place to lead him over to where Lily was standing. She draped her arms around his shoulders, hugging him and giving him a quick kiss on the head…

He was abruptly pulled out of the scene. He found himself on his hands and knees on Snape's floor. He hadn't done anything to cut it off, hadn't even wanted it to stop, really. He glanced up in confusion. "Why did you stop?" he asked dumbly.

Snape was looking at him oddly. "You did not conjure that last scene as a defense?"

Harry, still quite out of sorts, managed a confused, "Huh?"

Snape sighed in annoyance. "The scene with your parents and Black. I know it was not a memory. Did you not imagine it to throw me off?"

"No." Belatedly, he realized that he should have said yes. Apparently it was a good defense; Snape had almost seemed impressed for a second. But it was too late now. As he slowly climbed to his feet he confessed, "It was a memory, just not of reality."

He made his way back to the chair. Snape perched on the edge of his desk, watching him intently. "Explain," he ordered.

Harry sighed. He didn't want to share the dreams with Snape. He hadn't even described them to Ron or Hermione. They were personal, and they were his. They were like a gift, like the universe had finally decided to give him something to help compensate for his losses.

But Snape was looking at him so severely that he expected the man would decide the situation warranted veritaserum if he refused to talk. So he said reluctantly, "It was a dream. One of the dreams I've been having lately."

"Are they all similar to that?"

Harry nodded.

"That was very vivid. It seemed real."

Harry hesitated a moment before saying honestly, "They all do."

Snape stood from the desk and then bent to grasp the arms of Harry's chair. Harry instinctively pressed against the back of the chair as Snape hissed, "Mr. Potter, you should have sought assistance as soon as this began to happen."

"Why? They're just dreams," he managed to stammer.

"I highly doubt that they are 'just dreams,'" Snape said mockingly. He released the chair and paced back to the desk. "You must block them out."

Harry stared at his back. He knew Snape was upset, but he still didn't see the urgency. He mumbled quietly, "But I rather like them."

Snape heard. Harry tensed as his teacher spun back to him. "Yes, I expect that is the point. As long as you want these dreams, you will not be able to block them!"

Harry felt the vague panic setting in again at the thought of losing this connection to his parents and Sirius. Defiantly he snapped, "Then we have a problem, Professor. Because I don't see myself ever not wanting these dreams."

Snape moved closer again, anger flashing in dark eyes along with some emotion Harry couldn't quite identify. "Even if they are evidence that the Dark Lord is inside your head, dictating your thoughts?"

How could Snape still think they might be Voldemort's doing, now that he knew what they were about? Aloud he said, "I don't understand how they could be. I mean, why would he do that? Why would he want to make me happy?"

"Are you happy, Potter? Because at the moment, you seem rather upset."

"You are upsetting me!" Harry snapped, standing.

Snape scowled. "So when you are not with me, you're happy? You are glad to be here and spend time with your friends? You don't want to sleep all the time?"

Harry froze. Then he shrugged and said stubbornly, "I meant in the dreams. I'm happy in the dreams."

"And miserable in the real world. You prefer them to reality, don't you? But your head must be here if you are ever to have a chance of defeating him."

Harry drew in a shaky breath, then shook his head in denial. "No. It's not true, they're not from him!"

"Potter, do stop flaunting your stupidity. You must see this for what it is! The Dark Lord has identified what he perceives to be your greatest weakness, and he is exploiting it."

"And what, pray tell, is my greatest weakness?" Harry spat, feeling a surge of anger. He liked that; it was familiar, and he latched onto it.

"I did not say that it was your greatest weakness, Potter. It is what he believes to be your weakness. And it is your love and need for others."

"I learned a long time ago not to need anyone." He knew even as he said it that it wasn't exactly true. But it was out, and he didn't take it back. He met Snape's icy stare and held it with one of his own.

Snape sneered. "Fine. But I dare say there are still some you care for. Even they cannot compare to the dreams, can they? And no one in the dreams is available to you in reality."

"Remus is there, sometimes," Harry muttered weakly, thinking only that he wanted to get out of here.

"But even he is not physically here, now. The Dark Lord has given you a more enticing choice to make you hate this reality."

"He really didn't need to do anything else to accomplish that," Harry stated honestly. When Snape crossed his arms and heaved a long-suffering sigh, Harry spoke again before he could. "It still doesn't make sense. Why would he care how much I avoid life here? It's not as if I'm likely to fall asleep in the middle of our eventual fight."

"Because you will not be learning the tools you need to defeat him," Snape spelled out slowly, as though he were stupid.

Harry scowled, still unwilling to accept it. "Maybe, but I've already proved I can handle myself. Actually, if you think about it, the more upset I am about reality the more likely I'll be to actually accomplish an Unforgivable next time."

"It is also possible that there is another, deeper purpose behind them." Snape stooped slightly so he could look Harry directly in the eye. The intensity was unnerving; Harry had to fight not to take a step back. "This is not up for debate. You must learn to occlude your mind; you must block them out."

oOo

He actually did try to occlude his mind that night, if only because his mind was too occupied to sleep. But apparently he didn't manage it well, for he still had dreams.

He wasn't all that sorry about that.

The next day in Potions, Harry managed to stay awake...mostly out of a desire to prove Snape wrong. The Potions Master kept studying him from across the room, and Harry kept throwing glares whenever he wasn't looking. By the end of class, though he had been awake, he had essentially accomplished nothing.

And he was sleepy.

He stifled a yawn as he gathered his books. He seemed to be moving more slowly than normal. Ron and Hermione waited for him, and by the time the three of them turned towards the door everyone else had left.

They started out, but didn't get far before a sharp voice stopped them. "Granger, Weasley!" Snape called impatiently.

Ron flinched involuntarily. Hermione gulped, but turned towards him bravely.

"A word, if I may?" Snape said, gesturing them into his office.

Hermione raised her eyebrows, but went. Ron stared at him for a moment, looked to Harry, then slowly moved to comply. Snape moved from the door into the office and they followed, Ron shutting it only partially behind him.

Harry stared after him. Then, shameless at this point when it came to Snape, he moved closer to the door to eavesdrop.

"How much do you know about what is going on with Potter?" Snape's voice asked gruffly.

"Nothing is going on. Harry's doing pretty well considering everything," Ron said testily. Harry smiled at the defensiveness.

His smile faded as Hermione spoke up. "He's been very tired. He sleeps all the time and its hard to wake him. He insists he isn't sick," she said in a way that made it seem a question.

"I suppose that depends on your definition of 'sick.' He is allowing, even welcoming the Dark Lord to prey upon him."

Harry's eyes widened at what seemed to him a very overdramatic take on things. For he knew how his friends would take that.

Ron managed a shocked, "Huh?"

Hermione was a bit more vocal, even if her voice shook a bit. "I don't understand, sir. How exactly is he allowing that?"

"He really has told you nothing. You know that his dreams have, in the past, allowed the Dark Lord to access his mind and vice versa. He has been having dreams which are almost certainly an indication that this is happening again, but he has no desire to stop them."

"If that were really happening he would want to stop them…sir," Ron added as an afterthought, probably due to a look he'd received.

"His reasons are not for me to speculate, Mr. Weasley. However, stopping this from happening does fall under my domain. I believe I may need assistance from the two of you for this."

Harry's brow furrowed as he wondered why Snape hadn't just spelled everything out for him. It was no one's business but his own, but it surprised him that Snape would share that sentiment. He shortly pushed those musings aside, however, as he wondered what Snape expected his friends to do.

"It is important that he stays grounded in reality. He needs to be kept awake during the day, and preferably occupied. Do you think you can handle this?"

"We can try."

"What about at night?" Hermione asked.

"That will be my concern. I simply require that you do your part to get him into a normal sleeping routine, which does not include numerous naps during the day. Can you do this or not?"

Harry backed away, sensing that the conversation was nearly over and knowing that at least Hermione would consent. Ron would as well, if he thought it would help. That meant he would have one of them on him during all daylight hours. He rolled his eyes slightly as he went to wait near the door.

Sure enough, his friends shortly emerged from the office and headed towards him.

Hermione waited until they were down the hall before turning to him. "Did you hear all of that?" she accused.

They knew him too well. Harry nodded. "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd almost think he cared about my welfare," he said with a healthy amount of sarcasm.

Hermione shook her head. "Harry, you need to give him a chance. Please…for all our sakes."

"I would if he would," Harry responded crossly. "But I won't be holding my breath for that."

oOo

to be continued