Nightmares

Part 2 – Severus' Story

"Well," Severus considered, "I suppose that's not entirely true. Lucius began to groom me to enter the service of the Dark Lord almost as soon as I entered Hogwarts, but to understand what made me so appealing I must tell you of my father."

Severus took a deep breath before continuing, "My father was a cruel, sadistic, abusive drunk who I hated more than anyone in my life. When I was very young and he used to beat my mother, all I would do, all I could do, was sit in a corner and cry, but as I got older I used my hatred as a motivator. I spent all my time in our library, engrossed in our dark arts books, learning the most vicious curses I could, and then I would practice on him, provoking him so he wouldn't hurt my mother."

Severus paused, looking pained, and took a sip of his tea. He was silent, his mind focused on what came next, his time at Hogwarts, debating how much he should tell Dumbledore, and wondering how much the old man, who at time seemed omniscient, already knew. He shrugged and decided to only tell if Dumbledore asked.

"The system seemed to work, and my mother went almost a year without a bruise or broken bone. That all changed when I went to Hogwarts. When I received my letter I had mixed emotions: on one hand, I was excited to go and learn and be with children my own age. On the other hand, while I was gone my mother would be all alone with my father. She tried to reassure me, but I was worried nonetheless. That's how I arrived here: terribly worried, but terribly excited as well." Severus grimaced as he remembered his excitement upon entering Hogwarts, which was only to be replaced by flaying disappointment. "What excited me most, even more than the books and learning, was the prospect of interacting with kids my own age, of having friends. I had been sheltered from everyone else for as long as I could remember. I had been so sheltered, in fact, that I had no idea that everyone at Hogwarts was going to hate me."

Dumbledore chose that moment to interrupted, speaking for the first time since he'd finished his own tale. "I'm sure that not everyone hated you," he admonished.

Severus shrugged, looking depressed, and said, "It seemed like it at the time. Even the teachers didn't like me."

"I liked you, Severus," admitted Dumbledore. "I thought you had an amazing mind. Your skill at potions was astounding, even then. Speaking as someone who has worked with the man, your skills at potions rival even Julian Mayfair's."

"Thank you," said Severus, genuinely touched.

Dumbledore smiled warmly, and then nodded for Severus to continue.

"Well, you know pretty much all of what went on during my school years – the fights, the cursings, the feuds, all that. But I guess there are some things that even you don't know."

"There are a great many things that I don't know," interrupted Dumbledore seriously. "Such as when Lucius Malfoy first approached you about joining Tom."

"He didn't mention the Dark Lord at the time," Severus said, "but Lucius approached me, offering his friendship, which means his protection, on my second day."

"You second day?" asked Dumbledore, astounded. "Why so soon?"

"The night before, as we were settling into our rooms, my roommates taunted and mocked me, trying to assert their control over me, and I responded by cursing all four of them until they hardly resembled humans." Severus smiled at the memory of their shocked faces as he pulled his wand. They had thought him weak and easily manipulated, and their mistake had cost them. "When the spells wore off they went running to Malfoy, expecting him to punish me, but he surprised them by praising me and, basically, taking me under his wing.
With Malfoy behind me no one in Slytherin dared to torment me, though they resented me desperately. But, on the other hand, having Malfoy behind me caused most of the kids in the other houses to hate me instantly and mostly without reason. Still, despite all that, I had a relatively good first year: I made several friends, a plethora of enemies, and I'd established myself in one of the most elite groups in the school.
Then Lucius graduated, and everything fell apart. The core group that Malfoy had been leader of still respected me, but all the other Slytherins considered it open season. I had to fight duel after duel, defend myself against ambush after ambush, and this was just among my housemates, where everything was kept quiet. Outside, I had to suffer the same, especially from Potter and his cronies, but I would always end up getting punished.
That's how it went for awhile. Lucius kept in touch, always dropping hints about the 'noble' work he was doing; it eventually became apparent to my fellow Slytherins that they couldn't surprise me nor defeat me in a legitimate duel, so they left me alone, and by the time I was in fourth year I was the de facto leader of Lucius' former gang. Sure, there was a figurehead seventh year to keep up appearances, but I held the true power in Slytherin.
It wasn't until seventh year that Lucius approached me directly about entering into the Dark Lord's service. He said that I'd been watched since my first year, and that the Dark Lord was very pleased, which didn't surprise me. Lucius then told me that his master wanted to meet me in person, which did. Because of certain…personal events in my life at the time, I accepted Lucius' offer when usually I wouldn't have."

Severus was almost afraid to look at Albus, knowing that he surely would have picked up on Severus' hesitation and would figure out that he was hiding something. And Severus knew that Albus would ask.

"What personal events?" asked Albus lightly, confirming Severus' fears. "They must have been very important if they drove you into Tom's arms."

Severus opened his mouth, and then hesitated. Seeing this, Albus said, placating, "Come, Severus, you have no reason to fear. I will not think less of you, no matter what you tell me."

"I'm not very worried about your opinion of me," said Severus, still hesitant. "I'm worried that I will ruin your image of the other person involved."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, curious, but said nothing. Severus sighted, taking this as a sign to continue.

"Ok, but you're the only I've ever told. And I'm not going into details, so don't ask."

"Very well," responded Dumbledore, even more curious.

Severus took a steadying breath and said, "At the beginning of my seventh year my girlfriend left me, or so I believed."

"I didn't know you were romantically involved with anyone before Bellatrix," Dumbledore said mildly.

"Nobody did," replied Snape, sardonically. "That was the entire point."

"Am I allowed to ask who the lucky girl was?" inquired Albus, smiling.

"It was Lily Evans," snapped Severus, fed up with the Headmaster's playfulness.

Dumbledore's eyes widened in surprise and he breathed, "Was it indeed?"

Severus nodded, scowling, but otherwise didn't respond.

He must still think that I am going to condemn him, strange as that may seem, thought Albus. When he realized this he put on his most cheerful smile and exclaimed, "Surely you don't expect me to hate you for that? Why one earth would something that happened during your school days change my thinking of you? Or Lily, for the matter?"

To Albus' surprise, his acceptance didn't uplift Severus' sprits. In fact, it did quite the opposite.

"Because there's more," answered Severus sadly. "Several times in seventh year, after our break up, when she was with Potter, we were…together."

"Oh," said Albus, surprised again. "Is that all?"

Severus shook his head, looking wretched, and said, "After our seventh year we went our separate ways, of course. But about a year later we happened to run into each other, and we talked. We did more than talk by the time the night was through. And it was not a one time thing. Lily and I were together, behind Potter's back, right up until her death."

At the word 'death' Severus lowered his head so that Dumbledore could not see how close he was to tears. Albus had to restrain himself from putting a comforting hand on the young man's shoulder because he knew he hated being comforted. Instead, the Headmaster quirked an eyebrow and asked, "And she was fine with the fact that you were a Death Eater?"

Severus answered, voice thick, without lifting his head. "She didn't love the idea, of course, but, especially in the beginning, she just didn't care."

Lifting his head and looking at the Headmaster, voice grim, Severus continued, "What you've got to understand is that, when we met again, she was at the edge of despair. She was supremely unhappy with almost all aspects of her life for reasons that I will not go into, and she came to me, I think sometimes, because she knew I was a Death Eater. She knew I would either fuck her or kill her, and she was fine with either option."

"Why didn't you kill her?" asked Dumbledore, trying to lead the conversation slowly back to the original topic. "Was it because of your prior relationship?"

Bitter laughter bubbled from Severus' lips, and he said, "You think far too much of me, Headmaster. If she had come to me even a month before I would almost certainly have dispatched her without hesitation. She survived because, by dumb luck, she approached me at a time when my mind frame was similar to hers. I talked to her because I knew there was a chance that she was trying to trap me, to capture me and send me to Azkaban and the kiss, and I was okay with that."

"What happened to make you like that?"

Severus shrugged and said, "Same as you, pretty much. I just finally woke up and came to my senses. I'd never really believed in Pureblood Supremacy or any of that rot. I'd joined because I was angry and hateful and because I wanted to punish as many people as possible, not because I actually believed in the cause. I'm not sure if that makes me better or worse than the others."

"Why were you so angry and hateful?" asked Dumbledore.

Severus laughed desolately and said, "Why wasn't I? My mother had just been beaten to death by my father, my sworn enemies seemed to be on the way to succeeding in ways I couldn't' imagine, these same sworn enemies had tried to kill me and were let off with almost no punishment, I'd been passed over for head Boy even though my grades were near perfect, Lily left me when she found out I was a Death Eater, and then the only other girl I ever felt anything for waited until we'd been dating for almost a year before she mentioned the little fact that she was betrothed to probably the dullest man I'd ever met. As I joined the ranks of the Death Eaters, I was feeling a little hateful."

Dumbledore looked at Severus, confused, and said, "Wait a second…I thought you met with Tom because Lily broke up with you?"

Severus shrugged and said in a regretful tone, "I thought she was seeing Potter behind my back because of all the time she spent with him. It was just me being stupid and paranoid, but it drove me insane with jealousy. In the end it turned out to be a 'serpent-eating-its-own-tail' type of situation. I met with the Dark Lord because I thought she had left me, and she left me because I met with the Dark Lord."

"What happened after you joined Tom's service," asked Dumbledore, not wanting Severus to get lost in depression again thinking of Lily.

"I quickly and unintentionally endeared myself to him and ultimately became one of his favorite followers," Severus answered. Seeing Dumbledore's questioning gaze, Severus quickly clarified, "You might not know this, but at Death Eater must request permission from the Dark Lord before he or she can kill a pureblood wizard. Muggleborns and half-bloods can be murdered any time, but purebloods must be allowed. And the first thing I did, almost as soon as I got the mark, was ask for permission to kill my father. The Dark Lord, as you might guess, loved this. And then I entered into my year of faithful service, and became one of his favorites because of my bloodthirsty and sadistic actions. I killed hundreds of people in that year alone and even the cruelest and most heartless Death Eaters found me vicious. Only Bellatrix could match me, and we had a romantic reunion of sorts because of our bloodlust. We didn't keep our affair secret from Rodolphus, though. In fact, I used to openly taunt him because of it. Not that I was the only Death Eater Bella was fucking, of course. Rodolphus was the most cuckolded man in England by the time they went to prison.
But, eventually, I started to realize that no matter how many people I killed, tortured, or raped I didn't feel any better. Even killing my father, responsible for so much of my suffering, didn't give me any satisfaction. When that epiphany hit me, it hit me that all the blood I had shed was for nothing. I became consumed with guilt and was totally lost. It was only later, when I recognized that being with Lily mad me happy where the killing only made me evendeader inside, that I decided to leave the Dark Lord's service."

"And you came to me," Dumbledore stated simply.

"Only because of Lily," Severus pointed out. "If she hadn't been there for me I simply would have killed myself."

"Then she is more of a heroine than I ever knew," said Dumbledore softly. "If you hadn't been our spy hundreds of lives would have been lost."

Severus nodded, but said morosely, "That doesn't change what I did before I left, however. Even after I left I had to kill to keep up appearances. Those are the faces that haunt me in my nightmares, Headmaster."

Dumbledore nodded, understanding perfectly, and said, "I'm not going to lie to you and say that they'll go away with time or anything of that sort. They will get better, Severus, but will never go away completely. Even after more than one hundred years I still awake screaming. The only thing we can do is to try to strike a balance, to try to do enough good that we can forgive ourselves for the bad."

"How on earth am I supposed to do that," asked Severus sarcastically, yet with a hint of desperate hopelessness, "give to children's organizations? Feed the poor? Give reparations to the families I killed? I can't do that and you know it. However much those fools out there want to delude themselves, this isn't over. The Dark Lord is still alive, and most of his followers are too, and if I begin to make amends and make nice to the muggleborns I won't be able to do my job when he comes back."

"I think I have the perfect way," said Dumbledore, grinning for the first time in quite awhile.

"What?"

"I want you to teach here at Hogwarts," responded Albus, eyes twinkling.

Severus snorted derisively and said dismissively, "A twenty-one year old ex-Death Eater teaching at Hogwarts? No one would stand for it! The Board of Governors alone would rip you apart."

Dumbledore's grin only widened as he shot back, "you forget that you old friend Lucius Malfoy is on the Board now that his father is dead, and Malfoy money has controlled the other members for generations. Owl him and weave a story about how you've duped me into believing you've reformed and how you plan to get closer to me, gathering info for when Tom comes back."

Severus skepticism was slowly melting away as he continued Dumbledore's thought, "Lucius would eat that up. The very idea of pulling the wool over your eyes is enough to make him salivate. And I'll really sell it when I point out that I'll be training the next generation of Death Eaters right under your nose. When, in actuality, I'll be making stupid, spoiled brats with no capacity for defense." Severus paused and peered at Dumbledore. "I will be teaching defense, correct?"

Dumbledore shook his head and said, "That's not possible, Severus. Timothy has been our Defense Against the Dark Arts professor for almost five years now. I cannot simply push him aside for you."

Severus looked slightly sullen as he asked, "Then how am I to seriously influence the students? Our plan would require me to be more than a simple professor of an ordinary subject."

Dumbledore grinned indulgently and replied, "It seems that the fates are smiling upon us, Severus. Not five nights ago Professor Nighy submitted his letter of resignation. You, my young friend, will be the Head of Slytherin House."

Severus stared at the old man in shock. "You've gone completely insane," he exclaimed, "No one will stand for that! The teachers would riot! They'd all hate me for starting out above them. Headmaster, I'd be the youngest person on the staff and I'd be making more than almost all of them."

"You'd be the youngest person ever on the staff," Albus pointed out, still grinning.

Severus gaped. Dumbledore grinned and sipped his tea.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, Severus opened his mouth to argue, but Dumbledore cut him off, his voice suddenly harder, more authoritative. "Severus, do you trust me?"

"Yes…" answered Severus hesitantly.

"Then trust me," finished Dumbledore.
Severus stared at Dumbledore, not used to fully trusting anyone, but he finally shrugged and said, "Very well."

Dumbledore's grin widened and he peered up at the enchanted ceiling and exclaimed, "Ah, the sun is coming up! I suggest we continue our discussions over breakfast!"

Without waiting for reply, he clapped his hands together, which caused mountains of food to appear in front of them out of thin air. After they had filled their plates to overflowing, Severus turned to Dumbledore, smiling slightly, and prompted, "So, tell me more about Julian Mayfair."

Pausing with an entire bratwurst halfway to his mouth, Dumbledore smiled fondly and said, "Well, the first thing you've got to understand about Julian, and it was certainly the very first thing he would tell when meeting new people, is that he was outrageously homosexual…"

A/N: There will be an epilogue, and then it's the end.