Disclaimer: Tenchi, Ryoko, Ayeka, Sasami, Washu, and other concepts from "Tenchi Muyo!" are Copyright AIC and Pioneer LDC. Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, Naga and other concepts from "Slayers" are Copyright Hajime Kanzaka, Tommy Ohtsuka, and Rui Araizumi. This work is a parody and not to be used for any commercial purposes.

No Need for the Lord of Nightmares

"So what the hell is going on here?" The red-haired sorceress shouted, blasting a zombie.

"I wish I knew!" yelled the dark-haired youth, dispatching a skeleton with his energy blade. "Perhaps you can explain?" He directed his question at the man in the old-fashioned naval officer's uniform. "Actually, yes." The man answered, firing a beam from his cane. "But let me do it on the move. We have to pick up your friends, and quickly." The group of five began to run down the brick-paved street, fighting off monsters as they went. "This city, and the entire planet, is in the final stages of being taken over by the evil being Amaroth, to build his dark army for even further conquests. To stop this, there is a planet-cracker bomb set to go off in twenty-five minutes."
"Oh, no! The whole planet will be destroyed?" said the girl with the light blue hair.
"I'm afraid so, Princess." replied the man. " But already the only ones on it worth preserving are you and your friends. If we can get to the station in time, we can take the Galaxy Express off the planet to safety."
"Okay, but who are you?" queried the sorceress.
"Right. Some introductions." said the man. He indicated the sorceress. "Princess, this is Lina Inverse, sorcery genius." He waved toward the tall, blonde-haired swordsman. "This is Gourry Gabriev, her protector and wielder of the Sword of Light."
"Pleased to meet you." Gourry's energy blade shot out, and the remaining two lizard-men beat a hasty retreat. "Are you a real Princess?"
"Uh-huh," the girl nodded.
"Lina, Gourry," the man continued, "this is Princess Sasami of the House of Jurai, and this," he indicated the youth with the other energy blade, "is Prince Tenchi Masaki, of Jurai but also of Earth."
"Uh, could you call me just Tenchi? I'm still kind of uncomfortable about the royalty part."
"Certainly." replied the man. "As for myself, I am Commodore Cotu, owner of the Galaxy Express and former ruler of this world."
"Now we're getting somewhere." said Lina, somewhat mollified at being described as a sorcery genius. "Amelia and Zelgadis should be looking for old books, but this is a very modern city."
"Modern?" Tenchi looked confused. "It looks more like the late Victorian era."
"I think we should pick up Mihoshi and Washu first." suggested the Commodore. "Let's hope Mihoshi hasn't gotten lost."
"She does have a remarkable talent for it." admitted Tenchi.
But a few moments later, the sound of blaster fire came from the next street over. As it continued, high-volume female screaming was added. "That's Washu!" Sasami exclaimed. "We have to help her!"
The party raced around the corner with Gourry and Tenchi in the lead. But their swords were not needed just then. The five pulled up at the sight of a small marketplace, which had clearly been the scene of combat. One of the stalls had fallen into smoking ruin, and several more showed numerous holes. In the middle, a young blonde woman dressed in a cross between a superheroine's costume and a Playboy bunny's outfit was swinging a large blaster rifle. Close by, a girl with a shock of red hair even wilder than Lina's was hugging the pavement, and making her unhappiness loud and clear.
"Mihoshi, will you put that thing away!" yelled the girl, in a deeper voice than would have been expected. "There was only one of them!"
"Yes, you can stop shooting now, Mihoshi!" Tenchi called.
The blonde pointed the blaster rifle downwards, bringing a yelp from the red-haired girl when she realized it was now aimed directly at her. "Ooops!" said the blonde, and managed to swing it to a safer angle.
"Lina, Gourry," said the Commodore, "This is Mihoshi Kuramitsu, Galaxy Police Detective First Class, and this is Washu Hakubi, the greatest scientific genius in the galaxy."
"The greatest scientific genius in the universe!" corrected Washu, coming to her feet.
"Isn't that a bit unlikely for a twelve-year-old girl?" Lina could not help noticing that Washu resembled her too closely for comfort.
"Oh, well, it's so nice of you to say so," Washu acted coy, "but actually I'm twenty."
"Millennia." The Commodore clarified.
Washu gave him a withering glare. "And who might you be?"
"That's right, I hadn't finished my introductions." The Commodore introduced himself, Lina, and Gourry, and then proceeded to explain about Amaroth and the imminent destruction of the planet. Mihoshi looked horrified, but Washu nodded thoughtfully.
"I knew something was up when the baked goods vendor turned into a warrior drone." she said. "All right, how much time do we have?"
The Commodore brought out what looked like a pocket watch, but on closer examination had several active displays. "Twenty-one minutes. I suggest our next stop be the bookstore two blocks that way."

However, as they emerged at one end of the street, a new set of monsters rounded the corner at the other end. Seven rabbits bounded into view, some grey, some dappled, and one all white.
"Oh, cute!" Sasami exclaimed.
"Cute? They're deadly monsters!" said the Commodore. "On your guard, everyone! And don't--"
But the rabbits sprang to the attack before he could complete his warning. Two of the dappled ones headed for Gourry. In a blur of motion, the swordsman sliced them both in half. He turned to face the remainder, but behind him, four quite healthy rabbits picked themselves up from the ground, and got ready to strike.
"Blast Ash!" Lina's spell reduced the rabbits to cinders just in time, slightly singing Gourry's backside.
"Don't hit the dappled ones with swords!" resumed the Commodore. "They divide in two. And don't let the grey ones--"
A grey rabbit hopped to a point level with Mihoshi's face, and exhaled a cloud of gas. Mihoshi's eyes rolled up, and she folded unconscious to the pavement.
"Mihoshi!" Tenchi leaped over to cover the blonde, his sword cleaving the grey rabbit.
"Don't let the grey ones breathe in your faces!" the Commodore picked up again, and this time managed to add, "And-the-white-one-attacks-really-fast!"
Washu had fired a ray from her glove, dispatching the last of the dappled rabbits. Now the white rabbit moved with breathtaking speed, seeming to ricochet off lampposts and building walls as it looked for an opening. Suddenly everyone realized it was heading toward the rear of the group to attack the weakest member. Sasami cried out as the creature rocketed towards her throat, its jaws opening to display razor-sharp incisors.
But the teeth closed with a clang on the knobbed end of the Commodore's cane, a handbreadth away from Sasami's neck. "Gourry! Batter up!" called the Commodore, and whipped the rabbit off the end of the cane. The creature flew at chest level just to the side of Gourry, who beheaded it as it passed.
Holding their breath, the group quickly disposed of the remaining grey rabbits. Washu ran over to the fallen Mihoshi. "She's just asleep." The red-haired scientist sniffed the air around Mihoshi's mouth. "Ether! Those were Ether Bunnies? Who in Hell creates these things, anyway?"
The Commodore maintained a rigid poker face.
"I can carry her until she wakes up." Gourry offered. Noticing how well Mihoshi filled her skin-tight outfit, Lina looked highly displeased.
"No need." Washu raised her hands, and a translucent keyboard appeared just under her fingers. She tapped three strokes, and a similarly translucent bell appeared over Mihoshi's head, to be struck repeatedly by a hammer-wielding crab. Mihoshi's eyes opened dreamily.
"Ooooh…are the bunnies gone already?"

When the group arrived, the scene inside the bookstore was one of devastation. Books of every size were strewn around the shelves and floor. Loose pages floated here and there, and one entire rack tilted at a crazy angle. A dark-haired girl dressed in plain light brown clothes was wringing her hands and protesting. "But Zelgadis, you really shouldn't…the locals will think we're barbarians…" she looked up to see Lina enter. "Lina! Zelgadis is tearing the shop apart. Please, make him stop!"
The man who was rifling through the shop's wares looked up. Like the girl, he was wearing plain clothing, but there the resemblance stopped. In fact, he didn't even look human. He looked more like a stone statue come to life. His skin was bluish grey, with dark bumps, like aggregate set into concrete. Even his hair, on closer examination, was more like fine metal wires.
"Zel," said Lina, "something's come up. We're leaving town, right away."
Zelgadis looked resigned. "What did you blow up this time, Lina?"
"I didn't do anything!" Lina said with an annoyed expression. "Well at least, not at first."
"Everyone," said the Commodore. "The gentleman is Zelgadis Greywords, sorcerer and swordsman under a curse, and the lady is Princess Amelia Wil Tesla of Saillune." He quickly explained the situation to the two.
"Oh, I wondered why the clerk turned into a ghoul," said Amelia. "And you didn't have to use the Dynast Bras spell, Zelgadis."
"Better too powerful an attack than not powerful enough." Zelgadis countered.
"In any event, I'm afraid you won't find any books on ancient magic here." Said the Commodore. "Right now, we need to worry about survival instead of breaking curses."
Zelgadis conceded the point.

"There's the dress-maker's shop." The Commodore pointed. "Do you think Ayeka will be in there?"

"I'd bet the bank on it!" answered Tenchi, racing up the steps to the door.
Tenchi burst into the shop, but screeched to a halt at the amazing scene in front of him. A young woman with a tousled mane of cyan-colored hair was trying on a sky-blue gown, helped by another young woman with violet hair in two long ponytails. The second woman looked up.
"Hello, Lord Tenchi. How do you like the fit on Ryoko?" She noticed Tenchi's expression. "Is something wrong?"
"Ryoko -- Ayeka -- you're cooperating! The end of the world really is at hand!"
"Well, the salesgirl turned into an attack cyborg, and I had to blast her." Ryoko waved her hand at a body sprawled behind a rack.
"And then I thought it would be a shame for Ryoko not to get a more tasteful outfit, so I offered to help her pick one." Ayeka added.
"Are you saying there's something wrong with my clothes, Ayeka?" demanded Ryoko.
"Why, no," replied Ayeka, "your usual clothes are quite suitable for dodging work and harassing Lord Tenchi."
"And your usual clothes are fine for sitting around being stuck-up!" retorted Ryoko.
"Apparently the end of the world is not quite yet." The Commodore cut in. "Everyone, this is Ryoko, genetically engineered former space pirate, and this is Princess Ayeka, Sasami's sister."
"Then why isn't her hair blue?" Amelia asked.
"That's a long story," said the Commodore. "Right now it's time for a short one." He hastily explained the situation. Ryoko and Ayeka glanced at Tenchi, who nodded in confirmation. The two women each transformed their outfits, Ryoko converting to a red and gray bodysuit, and Ayeka to battle armor, complete with war stripes on her face.
"Right," said Lina, having learned to take unusual things in stride. "Now that we have everyone, let's get to the station you keep talking about."
"Actually, there is one more person to pick up." said the Commodore. "Lina, you remember your first traveling partner?"
Lina lost her composure for a moment. "Oh gods ... not Naga?"
"The tavern is on the next block." The Commodore led the way.