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I used to be a god.
The thought makes me chuckle, a sad, defeated sort of laugh. I rest my head in my dirt-stained hands and squeeze my eyes shut against the unnaturally cold night air. It's almost as if the earth is mourning what it lost. The wind tears through the tender branches of the maple tree overhead, causing the fragile twigs to crack and fall to the earth. Beneath me the earth rumbles in protest, threatening to open up and swallow all that dares stand on its face. What a befitting end to an ex-god that would be. I chuckle once again.
I hear movement to my right and I know she's standing beside me. I used to be able to sense her from miles away. If I just closed my eyes and concentrated I could see her, wherever in the world she might be. It was a gift I would never experience again. She remains silent and I can feel her eyes upon me, surveying my sorry condition. What must she think of me now? She hated me when I was a god. Now I must be repulsive to her.
At the time I didn't really consider what I was giving up. All I could think about was the love of my life dying before my eyes unless I saved her. When I touched Eve and Gabrielle I didn't know what to expect or even what to do for that matter. How does one give up his powers to save the life of a mortal? It's not something we gods usually speak about…spoke about I mean. So there I was, waiting there for something miraculous to happen. I remember the sickening feeling in my stomach when I considered the possibility that perhaps I couldn't heal them after all. Then it hit me, like a bolt of lightening ripping through my entire body. I felt my power being drained from me. It flowed through my arms and out through my fingertips, into the bloodied bodies of the mortals I held before me. Everything I knew, everything I was sure of disappeared in that instant. When I felt the last ounce of my power vanish, I knew that nothing would ever be the same.
Having nearly forgotten that Xena is beside me, I jump in alarm when a hand touches my arm.
"It's me," she says calmly as our eyes lock. I gaze at her, speechless, and feel a mixture of relief and anguish; relief because she's alive and well, and anguish because I know she'll never love me the way I love her.
She sits beside me on the flat-faced rock where I've been lost in thought for the past hour. A few yards away I hear Eve and Gabrielle setting up tent and trying somewhat unsuccessfully to start a fire. It seems that the wind has other ideas.
Xena is silent as we both stare ahead, gazing upon the endless expanse of trees and shrubbery before us. I sigh deeply and wince at the shooting pain in my shoulder. It had been bothering me for some time now but I wasn't about to tell anyone, especially not Xena. Pain is not something I am accustomed to, but it's not the pain that I'm afraid of. I guess you can say I'm afraid of appearing weak.
I quickly regain my composure but not before Xena notices that something is wrong. I silently curse myself for exposing my weakness to her. Gods are not supposed to be weak.
"You're hurt. Why didn't you tell me?" she asks, with a hint of concern in her eyes.
I straighten my shoulders and turn away from her gaze. "I'm fine," I lie but I know she doesn't believe me. She's silent for a moment longer and then, without warning, she shoves my shoulder with her hand, causing me to cry out in pain. I instinctively grasp my aching shoulder with the opposite hand and glare at the infuriating woman to my right.
"Are you happy now?" I growl, silently fuming at the strike to my pride.
"Of course not," she replies. "I knew you'd never admit that you were injured. It looks to me like your shoulder's dislocated, and unless you want the pain to get worse, you'll let me help you."
I don't say a word but watch in amazement as her slender fingers reach for my leather vest and carefully lift it off my shoulders. Her hands tread lightly over my arms, resting at the spot where the shoulder joints meet. I close my eyes at the softness of her touch, silently in awe that such a powerful woman could still be so gentle and caring.
"This might hurt a little," she warns and in the next breath forces my shoulder back into place. This time I restrain myself from crying out though the pain is still excruciating. Xena releases her grip and I cautiously attempt to move my arm. To my amazement, the pain is gone.
She must notice the look of astonishment on my face because she laughs and shakes her head jokingly. "What do I expect? You gods never do listen to us mere mortals…" she begins but then quickly bites her lip. She inhales sharply.
I stare down at my hands before gaining the courage to look her in the eyes. As soon as I do, I can see that she meant no hostility with the statement. She had simply forgotten for a moment. "Ares," she starts to say but then stops. "Ares, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say…"
"It's ok," I assure her, not wanting her to apologize. There was nothing to apologize about. Then as an afterthought I add, "It feels better now… my shoulder I mean."
She nods in understanding. For the next few minutes we sit together in silence, each of us thinking about the events of the previous hours. Then she says something that catches me off guard and I'm not sure exactly how to react. She turns slowly to face me and waits until I meet her gaze. Then she says three simple words, three words which somehow seem to make everything worthwhile.
"Thank you, Ares."
I smile. The first smile I've had in a long, long time.
"You're welcome."