James's dejection turned into guilt as soon as he spied Lily chatting, or more accurately, having a deep conversation with Amos Diggory in the common room. She had pink splotches on her cheeks and nose; the universal signal that a girl had been crying recently. "Talking with hatred about me?" James asked, not even giving the idea much serious thought. The frost look rendered by Amos made it seem like a real possibility, maybe even a certainty.
"Definitely not," Lily assured him with a momentarily disarming smile. "I couldn't hate you for something this trivial. I'm only a little aggravated, but at myself more than you. I knew the consequences before I went out there."
James glanced between Lily and Amos, trying to decide if Amos really was angry at him.
It appeared that way.
"Can I talk to you, Lily, or are you particularly busy?"
"Actually, Amos and I are discussing something, I'm sorry. It's really important, and before you ask, we aren't talking about you."
"I see. Whenever you get a chance, I have something I would like to tell you. It's what I wasn't willing to talk about earlier." James had made the key decision when he saw the unhappy look on her face about detention, and he had worked it out in his mind during the walk from Dumbledore's office. It was a fair trade.
Sudden comprehension dawned in Lily's eyes and interest lit up her entire body at once, making it obvious she was fairly dying for the answers. In the time it took her to catch the entire meaning, James had walked away, and Amos was watching her in resignation. "Go."
"No, no, I'm listening. Finish telling me your story…please."
"What's the point?" Amos asked. "You'll be thinking of him and only pretending to listen to me."
"Amos, just-."
"Lily, go," he said sharply, making her draw her eyebrows together in a frown.
"What's wrong? Don't tell me you're joining the world-wide I HATE JAMES POTTER club, which is an acronym for all of his bad qualities, headed by Millie. What's the freaking deal? No wonder he thinks the world is out to get him." Lily stood up, arms spread out, and shouted, "It is!"
"Isn't it ironic," Amos asked, "that things just wind around for him? Starting second year, he climbed the rickety ladder of the popular, but gaining in moodiness for just the right mixture to reach uber-popular status in fifth year. Now he's on the downhill slide. Even angels fall."
"I thought you liked him, Amos," Lily said quietly, her mouth drawing into a tilted-down line.
"I do, he is an interesting person and an awesome Quidditch player, but you are one of my best friends, and I don't like…I just don't like the two of you together."
Lily narrowed her eyes in anger; the entire world seemed to believe they had the right to criticize her relationships. "This is the conclusion of this topic until otherwise notified. I'll be upstairs."
Amos gave her a look she had a hard time place; one with a mixture of disappointment and resignation, filling Lily with guilt. She refused to walk away feeling like a villain, so she left before either of them could say anything worse to each other. Lily tried to deny the thoughts that filled her head as she climbed the stairs, shadows creeping into her vision. Everyone was wrong. She shook herself with a laugh, suddenly imagining that she was becoming as broody as James.
James opened the door before she could knock. "I heard you laughing," he explained.
"This place is surprisingly clean, I'm impressed," Lily said in admiration as she stepped in. "Are we talking in here? Won't we be in huge, larger-than-life, irrevocable trouble if we're caught….again?"
"Realistically, yes, but this is about the only place we can talk without being interrupted. Seriously, that's all I wanted to do was talk, I wasn't planning on attacking you, or throwing you out the window in a pillow case or anything."
"The thought never crossed my mind," Lily said with a grin, "but apparently it did yours. Wanna try the pillow case thing?"
"Well, that's that last time I try to reassure you. Although it did lighten the mood."
"Who said my mood was lightened?"
"You're being quite the joker today."
"I'm trying to shrug of depression. I'm taking a leaf from your book."
"I really am a bad influence. You can sit down you know, I think we've bug-proofed this place. Or, actually, Peter has, he's paranoid about these things. He's a bit unusual at times."
"Where is he, anyway? And the rest of your little buddies?" Lily asked, deciding to sit on the bed next to where James was, hoping it was as clean as he said. Somehow she doubted piling the linens for the house-elves to wash were on their list of priorities, even if their room was cleaner than average.
"Remus and Peter are both studying for NEWTs, and I honestly don't know what Sirius is doing. There are times we just don't discuss our plans, he makes me too nervous sometimes. He already knows, anyway, so if he comes in, I can continue. We have a set plan for Frank if he drops by. Just say you heard Alice Wigthim wants to talk to him and he'll take out of here like a bat out of hell."
"He likes her?"
"Infatuated, it's hilarious."
"What about Lizzy?"
"He thinks Alice is way out of his league, so he settles for happening into her path." James grinned, "He still doesn't know she has a crush on him, so none of us feel bad for throwing him at her."
"How sweet! You're a bunch of matchmakers. And people think you're a bad influence."
James abruptly stopped smiling, "You've been getting that a lot, lately, haven't you?"
"Amos is the latest protester."
"Lily, I'm really sorry. Don't let me come between you and your friends. Unfortunately it takes much longer for the public image to improve. The fall from grace is much easier than the climb up."
"Funny I've already had this conversation with someone already today. Millie and Amos are my best friends, and they won't abandon me just because they don't like you. Besides, Amos really does admire you."
They sat in silence, Lily looking around curiously and James looking ready to be sick.
"I don't know where to begin. I've never told anyone the whole thing before."
"What about Sirius?"
"He's seen the whole thing, it didn't require telling."
"In that case, sometimes the beginning is the best place to start." Lily began to wonder if this was a good idea when she saw the entirely disheartened expression on his face.
"You're right. This is your last chance to back out, Lily. Are you sure you want to hear this?" When she answered positively, James began, "When I was little, I only saw my mother once in awhile. Senior was with me a little more, but I was basically raised by our house-elves."
"Plural?"
"Three. Anyway, I can always remember them fighting. They argued so much, I don't even see the point of them staying together if they're so miserable. Senior would always make her shut up when I was near and hustle me along before she started shouting again. I think he might've at least liked me then. He taught me about Quidditch."
Lily expected to see fondness in his eyes since Mr. Potter was obviously the active parent in their family. Instead, there was that cold harshness that was housed in his eyes so often.
"Maybe things could have worked out in my family if the legitimate Potter child hadn't come along. He was actually my mother's and Senior's child. Together. They named him Julian, and it was painfully obvious from the very beginning that he was related to both of them. He had blonde hair like them and Senior's eyes, green. He had his nose, his damn chin."
"And here you are, the dark little changeling in a family of blondes."
"Exactly."
"How old were you were he was born?"
"Five years old exactly."
"He was born on your birthday?"
"Unfortunately. My life was a paradoxical heaven before he was born. I never received another birthday cake, card, or present from either of them again. I was shoved behind the scenes at Julian's birth. It was so hard for me to understand, I couldn't comprehend why they suddenly ignored me completely. That's why I hate them. After he was born, their real child, they never talked to me, except for in public. I still had the best of clothes and toys, but he would get a personalized Quidditch outfit and I'd get some random book. A book. They knew I was smart; I could read by the time I was three, so they thought I'd love whatever book they tossed in my direction. They liked Sirius better than they liked me, Lily. By the time he was two, I hated Julian so much for what he did to me I actually hid or destroyed his toys to make him cry. I wanted to cause him the pain he had caused me. I bet it really ate at them not to be able to name him James Byron Potter XXIV. My mother single-handedly, with the help of my real father, of course, put an end to the Potter's numerical name."
"Couldn't you name your son that?"
"I could, but there is no way in hell that I will. Julian was definitely he a Potter, that particular line died with him. You would have hated him so much. He was born cruel. He loved to get me in trouble, or one of the servants fired. He wanted to inflict pain. Hogwarts was the best thing that could have been done for me. I think by then everybody knew that I wasn't really his son. Everybody except me, and I was told in the most heinous of ways. People would get quiet when I walked in a room with my parents or Julian and whisper as I passed on by. They did that to my parents too, so I just thought they did that if you were a Potter."
Lily had tears welling in her eyes. She could easily see James as a sad little boy who got repeat books and was the side show of his own birthday. Someone with sad eyes who was the object of secret ridicule and humiliation who had never done anything to deserve it.
"Please don't cry. I can't handle it if you do, this is hard enough. I'm stopping if a tear falls."
Lily hastily blinked a couple times, desperate to hear the whole story while she had the chance.
"I came here and Sirius and I were thick of thieves before we stepped on the train. We met Remus there, and found Peter's pet frog for him. I got in trouble at school because it was the only way I knew how to get attention. Julian kept getting meaner and meaner, you wouldn't believe his depth of his inhumanity. I came back for second year, and it was the funniest thing. Here, everyone actually liked me. I was the kid who always had a crowd without trying. Life was great as long as I was here and far away from home."
"Julian never made it to Hogwarts."
"No, he didn't. He tore me apart like no one else could, and I don't think I would still be fit to be around by anyone if he was here with me. I was a different person those summers with him. I had to be meaner than him to survive. It sounds stupid, he was five years younger than me, but it was the truth, I swear. The summer before third year when I was at home, he acted like he had a great surprise for me. It was a good one, alright. I had never seen that kid so excited."
Julian went straight into James's room, not bothering to knock. He grinned manically and flopped in the middle of James's bed.
"I told you that you had to know," James hissed, throwing a shirt at his little brother, jerking with anger.
"I can do what I want, you're my guest."
"Excuse me?"
"You aren't my brother, James. You aren't even a Potter."
"Julian, I don't have time to play with you. I actually have a life outside of Marvin Miggs comics"
"I'm telling Dad you said that. You have to play with me or else I bet he'll kick you out."
"I asked Senior about it. He confirmed it for me."
Lily watched carefully as James traced the seams of his pillow, his face unusually harsh. His jaw was set firmly, making his whole face a canvas of angles and sharp planes. "You refuse to call him Dad or Father now."
"That bastard doesn't deserve it," James said savagely, jerking his head up in indication that he had no halfway feelings about this subject. "I was told that I wasn't who I was raised to think I was over a cheese sandwich with tomatoes! I felt fake. He didn't try to comfort me or say it was okay. He offered me a book from his library. I guess Freud can help you out of any mental anguish."
"James, I'm so-."
"Don't you dare say you feel sorry for me. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I didn't tell you for sympathy. May I continue?"
"Yes."
"I didn't mean to snap. I wasn't angry at people like I am now until Julian died. He fell off a broom over water. The Ministry thought he got tangled up in some weeds and drowned," James said without emotion, but tension re-entered his voice. "It happened the week of OWLs. We only had one more day of testing left, too. They expected me, the child they ignored, to race home and forgo the last of the tests that would decide my academic future for the child who made my life hell. Smart, huh? I went home that Saturday for the funeral and I was the only dry-eyed one there. Even people who had been victims of him were sad to see an eleven year-old dead. I'm ashamed to say I didn't care what happened to that little monster. None of them cared about me."
The grimness in his voice alerted Lily that the worst was yet to come.
"My family blamed me for his death."
"WHAT?" Lily erupted, jumping up. "You were at Hogwarts! There is no way you could've killed him! What did they think you did? Avada Kedavra him via Howler? For Christ's sake, that is RIDICULOUS!"
"I'm glad you believe my innocence, " James said with a tense smile. Lily could see the way this was affecting him, she hadn't seen him this desolate in weeks.
"Oh, I am much too clever for blatant killing. Instead, when I came home and practice Quidditch, there was nothing else to do, I was fostering ideas in his head. They thought he dreamed of being like his big brother. Yeah fucking right!"
"Maybe he did want to be like you. Maybe he was jealous."
"He had everything I did except Quidditch talent and intelligence."
"I digress."
"After that, I gave up with them and the rest of the world. People are so pathetic and very few are worth my time. They're shallow and self-centered and just stupid. They don't understand that there's a whole world out there, but all they can think about is the next Quidditch match. They don't have goals or dreams. They aren't fair, only judgmental. How could somebody push away her son for another? How? I can't stand them. And there's my gruesome story."
"You're right…it's very gruesome. I can't imagine how awful it was for you growing up. I honestly don't blame you anymore for your grouchiness or unhappiness. Why did you decide to tell me?"
"I owe you," he said simply, and was prepared to leave it at that, but Lily wouldn't have it. "I have continually wreaked havoc on your life time after time. I've made your family and your friends mad at you. I've got you into detention and I've yelled and treated you terribly on several occasions, but you've only acted exceptionally towards me. You invited me to Christmas and you've been a friend for no reason at all and for no apparent benefit. My mother's corralling of you made me acknowledge that with the continuance of our relationship, you'll unfortunately be subjected to them at some point or another. You would probably find out some time by somebody, and it should be from me. Now, you the opportunity to leave our relationship and I will understand and I won't ask questions."
*~*~*
Well, I'm back. I loved NYC, it was so awesome. The only bad point was that my flight was awful, we had a 45 minute delay, we had turbulence the entire freaking ride, I thought we were going to crash, and I nearly threw up.
Thank you guys so much for all the great reviews while I was gone, I really had some excellent ones. I love those long ones!