"I…I…I'm not exactly sure what to say," Lily said truthfully after pausing for a minute.
"I assumed it would be a simple yes or no answer," James said coolly. "I didn't realize it would take serious thought, or that it would be ambiguous."
"I'm not in the least bit ambiguous over the option you gave me."
"Oh really?"
"Yes. You're still stuck with me, but I think that's a good thing. You've grown on me, sort of like a pesky freckle on my foot."
James laughed, his eyes crinkling as he smiled, "I've never been compared to a freckle on anyone's foot, but I'm glad that is your decision. You're sort of like a nasty smile that you can't get rid of no matter how hard I try."
"I am rather persistent." Lily visibly sobered, taking James's hand, "I meant I didn't know how to comment about your family. Obviously, an I'm sorry doesn't really mean anything, and that's the only thing that I could up with other than that that was the saddest story I have ever heard. Then I figured you wouldn't really want to hear that, so I'm speechless."
James gave a rather sad smile and tugged her in his arms for a long hug, "That works too."
"It must have been so sad when you found out that Mr. Potter wasn't your father."
"I thought you were speechless."
"I'm never too speechless to ask questions."
"I didn't hear a question."
"All the same, one was voiced."
"I presume you wish for me to elaborate on how I felt for the sake of curiosity." James felt a nod against his chest, and he couldn't help but smile. The calm assurance that Lily offered took away much of the anger he felt about his situation, making him really feel like he didn't care. It didn't hurt him as much to talk about it now that he knew she wasn't going to treat him like an imbecile. Smoothing the tips of her hair as he talked, James said, "It was terrible. When Julian told me, I honestly couldn't believe it, and I didn't want to. In the time it took me to go talk to Senior, I imagined every alternative possible. My thoughts ranged from Julian being possessed by a dark being to being egged on by Sirius to sleepwalking. Then, when my dear father told me that Julian was right, it seemed like the entire world I was standing on dropped out from under my feet, and there was nothing for me to grab onto as I was falling. My entire life had been a sham, nothing can describe the feeling that you get. You wonder about and question everything. I was completely shocked. And then I felt lost, like I was wandering around in the dark, making wild grabs at things but never making contact. I felt like that until I got to tell Sirius, and that was the only thing that kept me from completely falling apart. I'm sure you can't imagine me actually caring that he wasn't my dad so much, but I did. I was comfortable with being ignored, but they were still my family, and more importantly, they lied to me. My whole life, I had been lied to. That was the most devastating thing of all. What I had thought I could count on, I couldn't anymore."
Lily wondered if he knew that he was still speaking to her or if he was just letting his memories slide out.
"I sat in my room upstairs, curious as to how long it would remain my room, and just waited. I was waiting for Sirius to owl, or for Senior to come bursting in yelling 'surprise', or for everything to just suddenly fade away. I just sat on my bed for hours, not going to dinner, not getting ready for bed. I cried. I cried a lot. My world was gone. I knew the ugly truth. I wasn't wanted, nobody wanted me, and I was an accident. I didn't inherit the Potter genius, the Potter teeth, the Potter nose, it wasn't mine. My life wasn't supposed to be for me, it was meant more for Millicent than for me. I hated that. It was all an accident. Every last moment of my life was a mistake."
She didn't know what she would do if he started crying. Lily had the supposition that if he did, she would, and then they'd both act like fools. Then again, she couldn't imagine James crying…he was tough, and invincible, and made of granite.
"Sirius came over the next morning, and I still hadn't changed from the day before, and he knew it. I started crying again when I told him, and I could see in his eyes that he had known all along. Even my best friend knew what I was. Sirius hated going home so much; he always spent most of the summer with me, but this time he took me home with him. I wouldn't have been able to bear seeing any of them in the hallways or at a meal, and Sirius knew it." James laughed ruefully, obviously without humor, "We should've been born to each other's parents. Mrs. Black thought I was exactly what a pureblood should be, but the Potters adored Sirius…he was light, and carefree, and he charismatic. Everybody loves him as soon as they meet him, but not me. Nobody has ever loved me."
Lily jerked in a short sob, she couldn't help it as a sea full of sorrow drenched over her, immersing her in the haunting memories James was revealing, "James, I, you, I-."
He just plunged ahead, as if he didn't realize she was trying to piece together a coherent thought, "So Sirius let me stay with him for one glorious summer. A summer without the Potters. In return, when Sirius ran away, my house was where he came."
"Sirius ran away?"
"Yeah, summer before sixth year. He left the day after he turned sixteen. I was unreachable to the Potters by then, so Sirius was basically their son; not me, never me."
"But I thought he went to visit his mother at Christmas."
"He did, she's dying. They expect every day to be her last, and unfortunately, the old hag is still holding out for God knows what. She is someone you need to avoid at all costs." James had slid as quickly out of his pool of memories as he had dove in, his firm manner back.
Lily, sensing this, didn't try to lead him back in, "Why is that?"
"She will tear you apart, that's all. What are you doing for Easter Holidays?"
"Going home. I would ask you to go with me, but I know my parents won't stand for it," Lily said dismally.
"Don't worry, I am-."
Without any sort of announcement, the three other Marauders tumbled into the room in a loud cloud of laughter and chatter and sparks and popping sounds. The three seemed to be having a mock fight which led to Sirius rolling down the length of the room.
"Errr…I'm staying here with these three idiots."
Lily watched in fascination, ready to see what males did in their natural habitat. Sadly enough, she was disappointed when they noticed her.
"Oh. Hi, uh, Lily. We aren't interrupting anything are we?" Sirius asked nervously, obviously terrified that they had interrupted something. "Nothing, uh, that involves snogging and clothes-tossing?"
"No, nothing of that nature; as you can see, Lily has all of her clothing on," James answered, eyeing all of them warily. "What were you guys doing without me?"
"We just rigged up the Slytherin team's locker room, they will never be able to prove we did it," Remus said mildly, looking at Lily with avid interest. "Peter did an excellent job distracting a couple third years when they came down."
"It was nothing. So, what are you two doing?" Peter asked, and got sharp nudges from the two people who were thinking the exact same question.
"Talking."
"In a dorm? Isn't that against the rules?"
"It was a private discussion."
"So you want us to leave," Remus decided, trying to herd the other two out.
"The private part ended just before you came in, you can stay. Unless you need me for something, Lily and I will just finish our conversation on a stroll to the Owlery. I need to pick up Damon, he wanted some exercise earlier so I let him out. Lily?" Once they were on their way to the Owlery, James turned to her, "You seem perplexed."
"I'm just thinking about you guys."
"Plural…I'm jealous."
"It's amazing how well you four interact, well, three, Peter doesn't seem as close, but still, it's remarkable."
"We've been friends since first year, we stick together. Not to change the subject, but for the holidays, you're going home and that's it, right?"
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
"To be perfectly honest, I was going to try to persuade you to go home if you were planning on staying here or with Millie."
"Why?"
"It's not safe anymore, surely you notice. Voldemort is recruiting. Some of his trusted henchmen are trying to gather a few people each, and Hogwarts students are one of the preferred targets. The weak and the clever are their choices; the weak are easy to win over, the clever often have a hunger for great achievement. I wouldn't want you to be among those approached or hurt by the people he has already got on his side. Hogsmeade is a breeding ground for activity at the moment. Most purebloods have friends or a few family members in with him, so you have to be selective of where you locate yourself."
"Are you telling me this because you think I'm weak, clever, or because I'm a Muggle-born and one of the targeted?"
"The last two, and because I care."
"In that case, thank you, James. So why is it safe for you to stay and go to Hogsmeade?"
"I don't think I'll be approached, I've made it known I'm against the Dark Arts. If I am, I'll say no, and what is the worst thing that could happen?"
"You could be killed," Lily said bluntly.
James shrugged, giving her the eerie feeling he didn't really care. "I'm a Pureblood, so I'll have the liberty of a couple opportunities before I have to make the fatal decision."
Lily shivered, not liking James's attitude, but she cheered up as they entered the Owlery. Something about a wall loaded down with hooting birds made her want to skip, or at the very least, feed the birds. She watched as James grinned as he heard the soft song of Damon, who swooped over in a gorgeous fall of scarlet and gold feathers.
"He's rather proud of himself about now."
"I can see why," Lily said in admiration. James couldn't do things like normal people. When other students had brought an owl, James had brought a phoenix to school. Granted, he still had an owl, but Damon the phoenix bunked in the seventh year boys' dorm along with two cats and a frog. He sat on a special perch beside James's bed for most of the day, but when he was at his best, Damon liked to go for a short flight while James was in class.
Damon trilled a greeting to Lily, well, she called it a trill, Sirius said it was a mating call, but she figured he was joking.
She hoped he was joking.
*~*~*
I know this is shorter than usual, but the next scene takes place in July, so I decided to just make it a new chapter, it might be less confusing. I hope no one gave up on me, it seems like it forever to write this, but I guess it was only a week, wasn't it? I sort of had a bad time, a rather James-esque experience that allowed me to confirm that when you learn a nasty secret, you really do feel fake. Happy days, people.