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When Dawn Breaks the Night

Part Two – The Black of Night

With all this darkness round me I feel less alone.   Samuel Beckett

Chapter One – Goodbye is Forever

Somehow, life managed to work its way around so that it seemed nearly perfect to Lily for two glorious weeks.  She was in her prime, living the life every teenage girl dreams of:  she had great friends, a gorgeous and attentive boyfriend, a family that didn't drive her nuts, she received notice of being Head Girl when school reconvened, and she knew what she wanted to do when she graduated.

To Lily, though, her world fell apart and hit her squarely on the head on August fifth.  She would have no trouble remembering that day in the future, none at all.

"Bye, Mum, Dad, I'll meet you guys back here in exactly five hours, okay?" Lily motioned to her watch as if to reinforce her point.  She would be spending every minute of five hours with James today in Diagon Alley.  It was the first time they got to see each other that summer, Lily especially planning her school shopping trip with the day after James's very first game.  Personally, she couldn't imagine that they learned enough in the brief training session to ready them for professional playing, but James assured her it was a terribly rigorous schedule.  He also pointed out that they weren't free yet; this was merely their first game, certainly not the end of their training.  It was just a sort of practice game, one to prepare them for better teams.  They had played the Chudley Cannons.

"Yes, honey, now be careful.  Don't make eye contact with strangers and don't-."

"I know, I know!  Don't worry, I'll be perfectly safe." Lily quickly walked into The Leaky Cauldron before her parents could give her anymore advice.  Tapping the bricks, she walked straight to Florean Fortescue's, her designated rendezvous point.  "Hello!"

"Hi, Lily," James said brightly, putting down a copy of The Daily Prophet as she sat down across from him.  "Escape from the guardian dragons?"

"Narrowly.  You look…skinny."

"The same is extended to you."

Lily laughed and rolled her eyes, savoring the undiluted sarcasm he exuded.  Apparently a solid fortnight of flying really could have slimming effects, though.  James, always thin, had clearly lost weight as well as sleep.  "You look tired."

"I am a little.  Do you want to order something?"

"I'm not one to turn my nose up at ice cream.  I'll go order.  Let me guess, you want a dish of double vanilla ice cream, straight?"

"You're brilliant."

"I know."  As Lily walked away, she grinned, feeling like she was in her element.  Upon returning to the table though, she noticed the paper.  "Hey, is this about you, James?"

"I appears that way."

Potter Plays in First Professional Game was the leading headline in the sports section.  "Why are you so special?"

"I'm a Potter, and that makes me newsworthy."

"How fascinating.  So, how did you do yesterday?"

"We won.  I caught the Snitch, yahoo for me."

"Congratulations.  According to this you have a bright and extended career ahead of you."

"My ass."

"What a beautiful sentiment."

"I am rather attractive, what can I say?"

"Nothing you haven't already."

Lily felt rather rejuvenated after her shopping experience with James.  He had the talent for making the dull trip into a rather memorable experience, having a comment for every single thing.  James helped her carry the things to her parents' car, trying to make a good second impression.  "Hello Mrs. Evans, Mr. Evans.  It's nice to see you again."

"Likewise," Mr. Evans said gruffly, indicating it wasn't.  Once the car door was shut behind Lily, James giving a slight wave as they pulled off, he turned around in the seat to look at her, "I thought you two were done with."

"I just bumped into him a bit ago, and he offered to help me carry my things.  Those books are rather heavy, you know."

Apparently neither of them knew, because neither said anything on the subject although their disapproval was rather tangent, as if they knew she was lying.  Lily stared out the window, watching the rain pour down dismally.  Their disappointed faces would be one of Lily's last memories of them, and it would be one that would haunt her continually.

About forty-five kilometers from their home, their car hydroplaned and careened into the ditch, a large tree stopping their flight.

*~*~*

Lily slowly opened her eyes, or more accurately, one of them.  The other was curiously stuck.  She felt a distinct fuzziness, and the white walls really offset her.  "Wh-What?  Where am I?"

"Lily!"

She winced at the loud sound, and she soon saw Petunia hovering over her.  Petunia's face was streaked with tears, and she started crying again.  Vernon came to stand beside her, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"I was so scared; it's taken you so long to wake up.  Vernon, get the nurse."

"Huh?" Lily asked rather unintelligently.  Incessant beeping made her look around slowly, her neck really hurt.  She saw large machines and cords and wires and a plastic chair and a curtain divider, and then she looked down at herself.  "P-Petunia?  I-What?"

"Don't worry, baby, you're okay," Petunia murmured, smoothing some of her hair from her face, kissing Lily's cheek.

"I don't understand."

"You and Mum and Dad were in an accident on your way home from Diagon Alley.  You're okay now, though.  Nothing's too wrong with you, they think.  Just a cracked ankle and you wrenched your wrist pretty badly.  Your eye's blackened, you've got a real shiner."

"Mum and Dad?  Where're they?" 

"You just need to worry about you right now."

"Where're they?" Lily asked, feeling terrified and she started to cry.

"They…They didn't make it, Lily."

"Nooooo.  They've got to be okay," Lily sobbed, closing her eye tightly.  "Petunia, tell me they're okay.  I love 'em.  I really do."

"Of course you do, sweetheart.  Oh, here's the nurse."

Lily didn't try to see who was checking her out, or asking her questions, or poking at her.  She just wished she could somehow have a turn for the worse and die here and now. 

"I don't think you should have told her," Vernon muttered, watching his sister-in-law sob quietly.

"She knew without me telling her."

*~*~*

The next time she woke up, Lily felt truly miserable.  She was hungry, and she felt rather disgusting, and to make everything even worse, she felt emotionally bereft.  Seeing she was alone, she tried to remember what had happened, but couldn't.  She just remembered her parents' reaction to James, and her misery was heightened.  She felt like the dregs of society in a hospital gown.  With a little difficulty, Lily was able to roll over so she could smash her face in her pillow and really cry like she had when her grandmother had died.

"Miss Evans?"

"Leave me alone."

"Miss Evans, I'm your nurse.  It's time for you to get up and try walking around."

"Get out of here!"

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that.  You need to be fitted for a cast now that the swelling in your ankle has gone down, and it'd be good for you to walk around."

Lily felt shock at the word cast.  Of course Muggles couldn't just wave a want and heal the crack, she would have to have a cast…how quaint.  "If I lie here long enough maybe I'll begin to decompose."

"I'm afraid that would take longer than you might think.  Now why don't we walk down to the cast room."

"No.  I refuse."

"But, you-."

"My parents just died!  I should have too, can't you just leave me alone?  I want to be alone.  Forever." Lily started crying again, shoving her pillow against her face as she shook.  She was dimly aware of the nurse's retreating footsteps, but she felt no satisfaction about gaining her own way.

*~*~*

The day she was able to come home appeared as dreary as Lily felt.  After a long three days in her hospital bed, she was more than ready to go home.  Only she would be going to Number Four Privet Drive, Little Whinging.  No more cheery yellow bedroom in Floodmere, but a pastel green one.  Lily glared at the heavens balefully, watching the rain pour down.  She didn't feel it though; a nurse was holding an umbrella over her wheelchair as Vernon brought the car around.  Lily wasn't sure she would notice anyway.  During the ride home, it felt as if it would be forever before she could huddle on a couch or upstairs in private.  Eventually, though, she did get settled into the upstairs bedroom; one she knew Petunia wanted desperately to have a child to bunk in it.  She immediately dragged a stool over to the window to watch the rain fall.  It had become a morbid fascination with her; the rain had killed her parents.  It had been raining ever since they had left London.  Maybe it was raining for her. 

She briefly thought of James playing Quidditch in the downpour, but she quickly and rather savagely shoved him from her mind.

"Lily?" Petunia asked softly from behind her, coming to set her hands on Lily's shoulders.  "You can't do this to yourself."

"You don't understand, Petunia.  I-I think it was my fault."

"Lily!  No it wasn't, don't think that, it's awful.  You didn't do anything wrong."

"Y-Yes I did." Lily started crying again, she had been doing it so much lately.  "I-I met h-him in Dia-Diagon Alley.  Mu-Mum and Dad f-found o-out about it.  I'm so s-sorry, Petunia.  I w-wish I hadn't l-lied t-to them!  I r-really am.  If I could take it back, I would a million t-times.  They were s-so dis-disappointed in me, I could tell they were.  M-Mum was prob-prob'ly thinking about it when…when….when she cr-crashed.  She was too busy wor-worrying about me to no-notice the r-road was sl-slick.  I-I did it. 

"Lily, who did you meet?" Petunia asked gently, hugging her little sister protectively.

"J-James."

"Potter?"

"Y-Yes.  I'm so, so so-sorry.  Pl-Please don't hate me.  Pl-Please." Lily put her face in her hands and cried in desperation. 

Petunia smiled, how could she hate Lily for something she was so sorry for?  "Why did you meet him, anyway?"

"I…I missed him, Petunia.  I thought I l-loved him.  He's so sw-sweet sometimes, and smart, and he kn-know people.  He knows what makes peo-people do the things we do.  And he's hu-hurt so bad-badly," Lily hiccupped, barely able to breathe right now.

"Lily, I don't think anybody's been hurt any worse than you right now."

"H-He has, b-but I'm not go-going to s-see him any…anymore.  No more, Petunia, I sw-swear."

"I know you won't.  But don't worry about it anymore.  I'll have Vernon move a better chair up here for you.  And I'll make you something to eat, any preferences?"

"I don't want anything.  Just let me die here by this window."

"Lily."

"If I promise not to die, would you leave me alone?"

"Yes."

*~*~*

Petunia returned a few hours later with a meal made up of Lily's favorite foods.  Her younger sister hadn't moved from the chaise Vernon had labored to bring up to the room.  She was still staring out the window, watching the rain. 

"I want to go home.

"What?"

"I can't handle this.  I am losing my mind.  I need to get my things anyway."

"We were going to empty the house in a few weeks anyway.  We'll just move them then."

"I'll be going back to Hogwarts in a few weeks.  You know, Petunia, if you had been in that car, you would have died.  I should have."

"Lily…"

"Really, though," Lily said sensibly.  "I could fall out of this window right now and not get hurt.  Did you know people fall from dazzling heights in Quidditch every day?  They do.  It takes more to kill magical people than Muggles like you.  There's no way I could die in a car accident.  It takes magic to kill magic.  What did they do with my Hogwarts things?"

"Your Ministry collected them and brought them here.  They're in the cupboard under the stairs.  With the other freaky things, you know, spiders and sprouting potatoes."

"Petunia."

"I know, I know.  I'll be good."

After Petunia left, Lily continued staring at the window, remember everything she could.  Now, her greatest fear was to forget her parents.  What if one day she couldn't remember the way her mother moved around the kitchen, seeming to do it without thinking?  What would she do if she couldn't remember the way her dad would ruffle her hair and call her 'A carrot top, just like me'?  Lily put a hand to her hair, then lifted a mirror from a nearby table.  Her dad's hair, her mother's eyes.  Lily opened the window, savoring the feel of the occasional mist being blown in.  Then, an owl was blown in, making her give a little shriek of surprise.  Quickly, though, she realized it was James's owl.

"Hey there, BB."  The owl hooted and flew over to a table, expecting some sort of hospitality.

Hi, Lily!

Brilly my brilliant owl returned with my last letter to you, and found out you were in Little Whinging with your sister.  I have a game early on the thirty first, and I'm sure I can catch the Snitch even quicker if I know I'm going to meet you afterwards.  I would love to swing by your house and pick you up, but if you want, I can just meet you at the location of your choosing.  I have got the funniest story to tell you about Sirius, you'll die.  I can't wait to see you again.

James.

Lily choked back a sob and bit her knuckles.  He sounded so sweet, so enthusiastic to see her again, and that made her hurt even more.  She knew she would hurt him and betray his trust when she saw him again, and this note made it all the harder. 

Meet me in the south side of the park, at the swings.  I'll be there at three o'clock.  Lily.

She knew he would notice the omission of love Lily.  She knew exactly what would happen at their meeting.

She knew too much.

She craved the rain.  It was a soothing balm; a near addiction.  It had killed her parents.  Carefully, Lily balanced on one leg as she stood up, not at all craving the searing pain of putting weight on it.  She eased the window open to it's widest, it being a swinging hinge one that opened like a set of double doors.  With a smile, Lily threw one leg over and sat there, feeling the cool breeze lift her hair and the rain dampen her skin.  And for the first time in ages, Lily felt relatively calm.  Until she realized tomorrow was the thirty-first.  Completely losing her composure, Lily felt rushed.  There was no way Lily could have her dialog planned by then. 

She would have to try though.

And Lily realized that life has to seem perfect sometimes to make up for those really, really horrible spans.

*~*~*

And here it is.  I'm going to work on The Haphazard Ruse, and then that'll be all you here out of me for a couple weeks.  Things will probably slow down even after I get back because I'm really busy once school starts.  I'm so excited about vacation, but I'm a little disappointed, well, a lot disappointed, about the Gettysburg.  I'm really psyched about going, I LOVE Civil War stuff, but we're missing the 140th anniversary reenactment by three days, and I'm a little glum about that, but I'll live.  I'm trying to fit all of my stuff in one huge suitcase, and I'm just waiting to see how that will work.  Last year I couldn't lift it when I tried it, but this year I'm taking lighter clothing and less shoes, so I think it might be okay.  Let's hope anyway, if I'm in the hospital with a spinal column injury, I won't be doing much writing. 

Speaking of writing, I love this part.  My favorite parts of fics are angsty, sad parts and lovey-dovey parts.  I've had requests for those sort of parts, but I'm not comfortable doing them.  I have no qualms about reading them, but writing them is completely separate, but I will try.  Really.