A/N: Wow! 6 reviews. I wonder if that's just because I had Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny threaten you all about them. Oh, and I would just like to point out that I would have updated whether I got the 3 reviews or not. It was Harry and company that gave the ultimatum. And I'm sure I could have figured out some way to work around that if I didn't get the reviews. But I definitely do appreciate the reviews, although I'm going to allow Harry and his friends to respond to them instead of me, 'cause I think that would be more fun.
Chapter 2: Developing a Love Interest for Harry
The next evening, Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione were once again gathered around Hermione's magical computer. Hermione yelped with happiness over having received reviews. "Wow," she said, "our first review! What a momentous... moment. Okay, what we need to do now is write an author's note in which we thank all the people who reveiwed. Perhaps if we respond to each reviewer individually, it will make everyone feel special, and then maybe more people will be willing to review in the future."
Between the four of them, they came up with the following authors' note.
A/N: Thanks to all of our reviewers. We're thrilled that people seem to want us to update, so we'll oblige. But first, we'll respond to our reviewers:
Junius: Our first reviewer! Thanks very much and... we're going to assume that "whiggidy whack" is a compliment. Maybe.
Grangerlovesweasley: Thanks for the review, we're glad you think it's funny.
xXxThe Coldness of LovexXx: Is one day for an update soon enough?
princess sparkle808: Thanks, we hope Harry's romantic interest in this chapter works for you.
Rupertlover14: Thanks for the e-cookie. Ron just ate it. He said it was very good.
Granny Adams: Wow, what a nice review, thanks for that. Especially since we're sure that "hysterical" is a compliment, even though "Whiggidy Whack" might not be. We hope this chapter's up to snuff as well.
"So, yeah. Now Harry's got to get letters from Ron and I. Which will just happen to come on the same day because it will be easier to write that way. And, of course, on that very same day, Ginny will write to Harry. Even though she's never written to him before. Because that makes sense. Really," explained Hermione. "Speaking of things that make sense, it is also necessary for us to give Harry several character traits that he has never exhibited before, such as increased studiousness."
"All right, so how's this for the beginning of the chapter?" asked Harry as he began to type:
"Harry was sitting on his bed working on... some homework assignment. Even though he didn't technically know which classes he would be taking during the next year because he hadn't yet gotten his O.W.L. scores back yet. Harry decided to start working on the homework assignments anyway because he had decided to become more studious. Harry wasn't sure why this was, but he had. Then, he got a letter from Hermione."
Ginny scoffed. "What the hell kind of a transition is that?" she asked. "There's got to be some kind of logical link between doing the homework and getting a letter from Hermione, otherwise it just doesn't make any sense. Guess you don't read a lot of novels do you?" Ginny, of course, did read novels because the author feels that this would be a convenient way for Ginny to know something about writing.
"No, actually, I think we're all right to leave it how it is," stated Hermione. "Most of the stories on the website are lacking in transitions as well. Actually, considering some of the other stuff on there, lacking transitions is a pretty minor flaw. It seems that most of the authors simply don't have the time to deal with the finer literary devices such as transitions. Or complete sentences. But then they expect people to actually take the time to read and review their stories. Actually rather ironic, I think, but it seems to be part of the rules of this whole fanfiction thing."
"Good then," said Harry. "It's pretty weird writing about myself in the third person... But I think we might as well let Hermione write the letter from her."
"Okay," said Hermione, "that'll work." She began to type, reading aloud as she did.
"Harry opened the note and began to read.
'Dear Harry,
You know that all of us are here for you to write to if you need to talk about anything. I'm currently on holiday with my parents in France, so that's where Hedwig got this letter from. In the middle of July, we'll be coming back and then I'm going to visit at Ron's house. That's three weeks from now, so hopefully by that time you'll be at the Burrow too. I hope the muggles are treating you well. Remember to write to either me or Ron if you need to talk about Sirius. I know that Ron might not be too good at expressing his feelings, but he really is here for you too.
Love, Hermione.'"
Hermione looked up from the screen at the others, obviously pleased with herself.
(A/N (from Gryffindor 777, not Harry or any of the others): Oh, and now would probably be a good time to clarify that Harry did not feel a pang of sadness when he heard Hermione mention Sirius as she was reading aloud what she was typing. Harry was now mostly over Sirius' death, and was now feeling only a healthily righteous anger about it that would help motivate him to defeat Voldemort. This development is due largely to the fact that I would not have published this story as a humor/parody if I wanted to deal with the psychological complexities of Harry getting over his grief. Let's just say that his mourning process had involved a very emotional talk with Dumbledore, or Lupin, or some strong adult character, and also involved some rather strong potions of a psychiatric nature. That's right. Wizards' prozac.)
"Works for me," Harry said, as Ginny and Ron nodded in agreement.
"Plus, I got one of our necessary grammatical errors in!" exclaimed Hermione.
"You what?" asked Ron, exceptionally surprised.
"You're kidding!" opined Harry, "where is it?"
"Yeah," said Hermione in the unintentionally condescending voice that she often used when explaining things to Ron and Harry. "It's in the second sentence, it ends with a preposition!"
Ron snorted. "I didn't even know that was a rule. Geez Hermione, you can't even write a decent grammatical error if you're trying to! By the way, what's with you talking for me in the letter? I thought we were going to have me write to him, too?"
"Oh, yeah," said Hermione, "sorry about that, but I forgot to tell you one of the rules of year six fanfiction. You see, Ron, your character is required to have the emotional maturity of a newborn skrewt."
"A skrewt, huh? Pretty harsh. And why's that one of the rules?" asked Ron somewhat defensively.
"Well, it's not too far from the truth, is it?" asked Ginny, who then looked away as Ron shot her an angry look.
"Anyway," said Ron, "I'll type my note now." Ron had learned how to type in the interum between the first chapter and this one, as the author had decided it would be a lot easier if Ron could type his own contributions. Just for the record, to clear this up ahead of time, Ginny also knows how to type. She's just good like that.
"Right, just remember to include the following plot devices that seem to be required by fanfiction law to be included in Ron's first note in any sixth year fanfiction: You've got to mention the Chudley Cannons (preferably misspelled if you can manage it), call Dudley a git, and make a blundering attempt to comfort Harry about Sirius' death. Don't worry, you're not actually supposed to succeed in comforting him, nor am I. That's up to whoever we decide Harry's romantic interest is going to be," Hermione explained.
Ron began to type, and read aloud as he made progress,
"Then, another owl, a rather worthless one, of an unbelievably overexcited disposition, flew through the window as well. It was carrying two letters. The first that caught Harry's eye was one from Ron, which he then read. It said,
'Harry,
I hope that git Dudley and the rest of the Muggles are treating you okay. I also hope that you realize that you can always talk to either me or Hermione about Sirius' death if you want to. I hope you realize that it wasn't your fault. But... maybe we shouldn't dwell on only this subject, I'm sure you're thinking about it enough already. So, something else to talk about... Well, the Cuddly Canons aren't doing too well this year so far, but maybe you'll be able to come to a match when you come over to visit. I heard Mum and Dad talking, and you should be able to come over soon. Anyway, I hope you're all right until then. Oh, and Ginny's sending a letter with Pig as well, so it should probably be there now as well, unless stupid Pig dropped it. Which I wouldn't doubt.
From,
Ron.'"
"All right then. Not bad, " said Hermione. "Now... before we write Ginny's letter, we need to decide something. We've got to figure out what the 'pairings' are going to be for this story. A lot of the stories on fanfiction dot net have Harry going out with Ginny. And if we're going to go that way, we probably want to start that in this letter. So, what do you guys think?"
"But, I'm going out with Dean," said Ginny somewhat confusedly. In all actuality, she would have loved to be paired with Harry, whether in their fanfiction story or in real life. But she had gotten used to the facts that Harry was too clueless to figure that out and she was pretty sure that he didn't like her anyway.
"That's not a problem," Hermione said, making a brushing aside movement with her hand in the air. "All the fanfiction writers know that, but none of them seems to have any qualms about having your relationship with Dean end for one reason or another."
"Well... what are the other options?" asked Harry, who had actually started over the past few days to question privately the possibility that he might have feelings for Ginny after all. He figured writing a story that involved him and Ginny going out would only bring this question to the forefront of his mind, which would only make things awkward considering the fact that she was going out with Dean.
"Well," said Hermione hesitantly, "Some of them have you going out with me or Cho."
Ron's head had snapped up at the idea of writing about Harry and Hermione going out. "I don't think we should do the pairing with you and Harry," he said, somewhat too quickly. "I mean," he said, "it just seems like the match would be a bit off." He coughed uncomfortably in an attempt to cover the awkward silence that followed this statement.
"Yeah," agreed Harry, who was making quite an effort to not act actively grossed out about the idea of himself and Hermione dating. She was his friend, that was all. Plus he had rather expected that Ron and Hermione would eventually start going together. "And me and Cho's a terrible idea too. Unless we want this entire story to be about her crying at me. And that doesn't sound like a good idea. The only reason I liked her in the first place was because she's good looking. And plenty of other girls fulfill that criterion."
"Well... you're not going to like the other most popular options either..." she said. However, as Harry gave her a facial expression which clearly said, "try me!" she continued tentatively. "Well, Harry and Snape is quite popular. As is Harry and Malfoy." She had to say the last sentence over the gagging noises coming from Harry, Ron, and Ginny, and when she said Malfoy's name, Harry protested verbally.
"That's insane! Where do they come up with that stuff?" he asked, his face having turned pale.
"What can I say, fanfiction writers are pretty twisted as a group... In fact, Snape and I are also a pretty popular pairing, and I've seen Malfoy paired with Ron, Ginny, or myself as well," she herself seemed rather embarassed to even mention this.
"Right, well... I'd much rather be paired with Ginny than Malfoy. What d'you say Ginny?" asked Harry.
"Erm, even though that's not much of a compliment, I'd also choose you over Malfoy any day," Ginny laughed.
"Good then," said Hermione. "Now, just to warn everyone, most stories that have Harry going out with Ginny also have me paired with Ron. But we can make that decision next chapter. I think we should end this chapter with Harry reading Ginny's note. So, remember, Ginny, this letter should include some excessive romanctic tendencies, and should also put you in the position of giving Harry some tough love to make sure he isn't beating himself up too much about Sirius' death. Plus, you need to mention completely out of the blue that you and Dean broke up. You should also put in at least one typo and a grammatical error, as we're still abysmally behind in keeping up with our quota on those. D'you think you can manage writing a convincing love letter to Harry?" asked Hermione, smiling knowingly at Ginny.
Ginny smiled back. "I think I'm up to that," said Ginny, and then began to type.
Dear Harry,
I've started to miss you already, even though we've only been out of school for a couple of weeks. Somehow I just can't bear to be away from those beautiful green eyes. But I know you've got bigger problems than I do write now. I hope your dealing well with Sirius' death. I know he meant a lot to you, and I am by no means trying to deny you your right to mourn him. It'd be an insult to his memory for you not to. But it'd also be an insult to his memory for you to dwell on it too much. Especially if you're feeling guilty over it, which I have a feeling you might be. How would I know that? Well, as you have a convenient tendency to forget, my mind was controlled in a way similar to the way yours was. And I hurt people too. I almost killed Hermione and several other people! Should I feel guilty for that? I don't think I should, because believe me, for the first year or so after, I felt really guilty about it, and I came to realize that that was a huge waste of time. You can't afford to allow yourself to be distracted by your grief. You just can't afford it, now that He-Whose-name-I'd-really-rather-not-put-in-writing is on the rise again and everything. And your friends need you too. Hermione, Ron, and me all need you to be yourself instead of some guilt-stricken remnant. So, I hope that by the time you come here (which should be soon), you've gotten yourself down to a healthy mourning level. And if you have trouble doing that, you can always come to me and talk about it. I know that I've been a little blunt in this letter, but I really can be sympathetic too. It's just that I figure you're probably getting enough of that from Ron and Hermione. Anyway, we can write to each other or else you could wait until we can talk in person. On a completely different note, Dean and I broke up for reasons that I'm still not clear on but which probably have something to do with the fact that I never really gave him my full attention while I was seeing him. I have a certain other crush that I'm still hoping to pursue eventually. In conclusion, you can feel free to send a response straight away, and Ron would probably like on too. You can send it back with Pig assuming he'll stay in one spot long enough for you to tie it to his leg, or you can send it with Hedwig. I eagerly await your response.
Much love,
Ginny.
Ginny nodded to herself in a satisfied manner. "I Think that should do it," said Ginny.
"Yeah, that shoud about wrap up this chapter, I think. Now if we just slap on a final author's note, we should be done with our second chapter!" exclaimed Hermione.
After a few minutes of collaboration, they produced the following author's note, with Hermione typing:
"A/N: Wow, 6 reviews for chapter 1. Well, theoretically, that should be enough reviews to get us to write the next chapter too. But we'd still like some more reviews... What can we offer in exchange for reviews? Ooooh, Ron has just promised to perform an erotic dance if we get 5 more reviews for this chapter. None of the rest of us quite understand why he's offered to do this, although we think he may have forgotten that the reviews really can't be exchanged for galleons at Gringott's, but we're not going to remind him again. Unfortunately, you personally will not be able to see the dance if it happens, but we promise a play-by-play in the next author's note."
A/N from Gryffindor777: All right, that chapter was pretty long to write... but still lots of fun. This is so much more fun than my other story, but I still intend to continue that one as well. (By the way, I've decided that I'm not above putting forth a shameless plug for my own story, so you should all feel free to go to my author's page and click on "Harry Potter and the Coming War." I rather like it, even though it does contain some of the more benign plot-devices that I make fun of in this parody. Oh well.) By the way, if it turns out that you don't want to read about Ron dancing, I don't want that to discourage you from reviewing, so if you just mention in your review that you don't want him to dance, your review won't be counted toward the five required. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.