On the assigned date of July thirty-first, Lily Evans officially became a nervous wreck. She couldn't make a decision to save her life, which this indeed could do….ccording to Petunia. Lily's first idea was to march into the park and succinctly make her speech. And then her chicken mode kicked in, and she thought that maybe she should just act like it was a normal date until it was time to go back home. Then came her favorite; hide at home, maybe in that cupboard under the stairs. Nobody would ever find her there.
The hiding thing was actually the plan she had decided on until about three thirty, half an hour past the arranged meeting time. That would be when the guilt finally caught up with her.
Lily hobbled downstairs on her crutches, now that her wrist was barely sore at all, but she was so surprised that she stumbled a bit. Petunia was standing sentry in the hall. Lily wondered what had happened to her plans to go to the cinema, a thought she voiced.
"Sold out."
"Well…I'm going to the park for a bit," Lily said quietly, and probably guiltily.
"I doubt you'll be playing tag, so what exactly, are you going to do once you see him?"
"What I have to. How did you know I am meeting James?"
"I didn't, but it looks like you just confirmed it. I'm sure you'll make the right decision, and I'll be here when you get back."
"I…thank you, Petunia." Lily left quickly before she started crying, but she couldn't keep up the quick pace on her crutches without tiring, making her even later. The exhaustion she felt was nothing to the sheer misery when she spotted James. Lily was still behind a small band of trees, so he couldn't really see her, but she could easily watch him. But, instead of seeing someone who had been the source of her parents' disappointment with her the very last day they were alive, she saw a dejected young man with a small bouquet of yellow and pink daisies clutched between his knees.
He didn't look up until she lowered herself into the swing next to him. "Hey, James."
"I figured you were coming."
"I almost didn't. Anyway, I'm not so spiffy with these," she said, indicating to her crutches.
James's expression turned to horror as he finally observed her blackened eyes and scratched face. "What the bloody hell happened to you? Are you okay? Why didn't you tell me something happened; I would have visited you at the hospital. WE could have met someplace closer so that you didn't have to walk."
"My parents died." That was all Lily could say, but that wasn't a surprise, it was all she could think, too.
He reached out and held her hand, and she didn't have the heart to pull it away. "I would have came to the funeral and stood with you if I had known. I'm sorry it was your parents…it should have been someone like mine. Nobody cares what happens to them, but your parents have you." He tucked the bouquet of flowers in her other hand, "I'll send you some Get Well Soon and I'm Sorry For Your Loss flowers ASAP."
"I think that would be wholly unnecessary, but thank you. James…I…I don't…We..."
"You don't have to say it, Lily," James said quietly. "Your letter pretty much told me something between us had changed, and you almost not coming confirms it. I just want to know why you want to end a relationship I thought we were both happy in."
Lily wasn't prepared for the blunt chill that entered his voice and the hard glare that drilled her. "My parents."
"Aren't you a touch late on that one?"
They were both standing now, and Lily reached out to touch his face. She was surprised when he didn't jerk away. "I'm not strong enough to handle the guilt, James. I can't do it."
"Let me help."
"I'm sorry…I can't. They knew I didn't break up with you. The last memory I have of my parents is them being disappointed in something I had done. I need to fix it."
"If they wanted us to break up, maybe they should have died sooner."
"James. I'm sorry…I truly am…you have no idea."
"I think I might. I'll walk you back to your sister's."
"That's okay, I can get there on my own."
"No, really."
"I want to be by myself for awhile, I'm just going to stay a bit. "
"Fine, then. Are you sure? About everything?" James asked, his hazel eyes search her own.
Lily nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She thought she could pull this off without crying until James ruined her plan by giving her one last kiss; one filled with heart-wrenching tenderness. The tears fell.
"Yes, I can see you're very certain, Lily. I hope you can be happy with your decision, sweetheart," he said quietly.
"Goodbye, James," she said, sinking back into her swing to watch James walk away. He didn't look back.
*~*~*
*~*~*
Lily found Petunia cooking in the kitchen. "Tell me I did the right thing," she said, tears evident in her voice. "Tell me I didn't completely screw up my life just now, ruining his too. Please."
"Lily, you did the right thing, morally and logically," Petunia said calmly. "It was Mum and Dad would have wanted, you know that."
"I don't know anymore," she said, laying her head on the table, wanting to just bawl. Lily was beginning to seriously doubt her decision. James had so accurately pointed out she wasn't sure when she made it, not sure at all. "Oh, God, Petunia. I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have."
"Lily," Petunia said sharply, tilting Lily's chin up to look at her, "did you love Mum and Dad?"
"Yes…of course," she whispered, tears sliding down her face again. A million voices seemed to be screaming at her, all at once, half of them reminding her that her parents were dead…the other half reminding her that she had lost James now. "Oh, God!"
"Then you did the right thing. You can't let this destroy you, Lily."
"Petunia, you have no idea how miserable I am right now."
"You aren't the only one who lost a parent," she said sharply, making Lily feel even worse. "You chose the bad apple, and now you're paying the price for lying to our parents. I realize this is hard, but you're making it even worse on yourself. I'm going to give you some advice Mum gave me…move on."
"Could you have been any more harsh?" Lily snapped, wishing someone would just hug her.
"Yes, I could have, but I would rather you didn't cry. At the same time, Lily, you have got to shake this. It's a harsh world."
"Thanks for telling me what I already knew. I'm going upstairs," she muttered. She sat unmoving upstairs for hours before it finally crossed her mind to write Millie and Amos. Each got a very simple and identical note: I've got some good new for you-you've gotten your wish; James Potter is officially out of my life. I hope you're happy.
*~*~*
The next day, Lily had received an early morning owl from Millie stating she would be over there as soon as she could arrange it, and another one from Amos logically asking her what happened and if she was okay.
The real surprise was from the late-night visit from a certain Remus Lupin, looking abnormally unsettled. Petunia had called upstairs for Lily, sounding worried. Lily had hurried more than usual, and she had at first been relieved to see Remus's tired face, then alarmed at his obvious unhappiness. "Is something wrong?"
"You could say that. Are you alright? James mentioned you had gotten hurt, but I didn't realize you had to have a leg extension."
"It's a cast, Remus," she said dryly, "a Muggle thing. Come on in the living room."
He seemed rather reluctant to follow, but he did nonetheless. He seemed to be thinking for awhile before he spoke again: "James got hurt in a Quidditch game today."
"Was it because of-?"
"Don't try to delude yourself," Remus said roughly. "James would not fall off of a broom because of a girl. He could fly through hell itself. The Falmouth Keeper slammed James into a goal and he fell off. He just mangled his knee up decently, but he would've been okay had it not been for the half-wit MediWizard. He did the wrong bloody spell and made his knee very nearly explode. Ruined it, he did. The Healer said he can walk again soon enough, but he won't be able to play Quidditch like he did, won't have that secondary grip."
Lily sat with her hand over her mouth, unable to believe that James had actually gotten hurt. The James Potter, invincible and untouchable. He could go through an ocean of curses and insults without blinking.
"Had it been my choice, I wouldn't have told you. Had it been Sirius's, you would be dead right now. If Peter would have had his way, we would have made you drain his knee…you wouldn't have made it through that either. James told us to tell you because he didn't want you to see it in The Daily Prophet. For some reason, he thinks you still care. Quite frankly, Lily, I don't know what the hell you're playing at, but you are royally screwing up several lives in the process. I suggest you figure some things out and quickly."
"I broke up with him because I want to."
"Unbelievable. Absolutely un-damn-believable."
"Should I go see him?"
"Just bloody well stay away from him and try not to ruin his life, Lily."
"Remus, I-."
"I think he's had a rough enough time of it."
"I know he has! I'm trying to help."
"I believe you lost that privilege."
"Nobody is trying to see my side of the situation, not you, not James, not even Petunia! No one cares that I feel like I'm dying!"
"But you're not, and I think that's the important thing to remember right now." Remus left quickly, the night swallowing him immediately, making Lily feel cold and alone. Her anger had died as quickly as Remus had come, leaving nothing. What was there to leave? Nobody cared about her anymore; her friends had apparently deserted her, every last one of them, and Petunia was too preoccupied with vengeance to know how lost she felt.
And lost was the perfect word for it.
*~*~*
As it turned out, Amos visited her before Millie got around to it, and he found her in a rather sad state. A sad, depressed, uncommunicative state.
Petunia had ushered him up to her room where Lily was staring out the window again, but this time the rain was absent. "Lily?"
Lily jumped at the sound of a voice other than her sister's, for a brief and wild moment imagining that it was James behind her. She had listened to Amos's voice for nearly every day since she was eleven; he was one of her best friends. Recently absent best friend, she noted. "Hi, Amos."
"When you didn't write back I got worried. I hope I'm not out of place."
"Of course you're not. I'm very glad you're here, in fact," she murmured, rising to hug him tightly. Finally, a hug. "I'm very, very glad you're here."
"Why do I have the impression that you forgot to leave out the 'I'm miserable' part of your note?"
"Because I didn't have the heart to put it in there. My life is in shambles, Amos, and I don't know what to do. I feel like everything is out of my control and I can't even choose what happens in my life…I am coerced into everything and I don't have the hardness to stand my ground. I wish everything could just stop for awhile so I can get my bearings." Lily started crying again, not just tears as had been the norm for the past few days, but deep, tearing sobs. Amos didn't try to get her to stop crying as everyone else had done, for which Lily was vastly relieved. "I miss my parents so much, like I just have a huge burn that keeps getting bumped and loaded with dirt, and it's festering. And nobody will help me put some dressing on it. Now I miss James, and I feel supremely guilty. He has a sucky life, Amos, and I made it worse for him. He's hurt now, in a Quidditch game, he can't play anymore. Sirius and Remus and Peter will be the only ones that will visit him. I feel awful and it's not getting any better. I just wish someone would listen to me, Amos. Nobody seems to care about me. I realize that I am acting like a spoiled brat, but right now, I'm an orphaned brat. It's not fair! I want my parents back! I want them back!"
Lily gripped the collar of his shirt as violence boiled within her, wanting to scream and kick and hit something. She wanted to cause the destruction that had been shoveled into her life. She wanted someone to hurt the way she was hurting.
"Lily, it is okay to feel that way, and if you really want to hit me, you can. I felt the same way when my parents died. Part of you will always hurt when you think of them, but that part will grow smaller and smaller as time passes."
She clenched her eyes shut tighter, shaking as the tears squeezed out. "I want the pain to go away. I wish something would make it go away. I can't sleep anymore. I can't do this."
"Just get through one day at a time, and each day will bring you farther from the pain."
"I can't handle another day. I can't handle it here. I feel like a caged animal and I'm running against the walls. I love Petunia, but she doesn't understand how I feel. She has Vernon and I have…I have my ruddy owl. I miss Hogwarts and magic and chocolate frogs."
"Would Petunia let you stay by yourself at your house?"
"Considering I might fall down the stairs, no."
"If I went with you to St. Mungo's and your leg got fixed, how about then?"
"Maybe."
"Then let's do it. At least your leg won't hurt anymore. You might be able to stay by yourself for awhile, and you can gather your wits and prepare for Hogwarts. You haven't got your letter let, have you? I'll go with you to get those last couple books when you do. You'll get through this, Lily."
"How did you do it, Amos?"
"Exactly the same way you are…slowly but surely."
*~*~*
A/N: Haha, another chapter. Anyway, there's several little things I'm going to let you in on. Guess who turns sixteen on Sunday? ME! I can't wait…but guess when school starts. Friday….oh goody. That means my time is going to be demolished, volleyball practice is starting, so I'll probably only have a few hours a week to work on my fics. I might have to start updating each fic every other week, but I'll try to keep it regular. Also, I'm considering starting a new one, so that's going to subtract some time also. Anyway, happy August everyone. I trust everyone is ready for school to start….or not.