A/N: No, you are not hallucinating, this really, honest to God, and update. I was in a sort of moral crisis over my former plan for this fic, but last night I thought of something else. It just clicked in my mind and here I am, a day later. I really apologize about taking so long, and for those of you who didn't know, I put a little note in my bio. If you'll check there that should usually explain what my hold up is if it's something that I have a modicum of control over. Anyway, happy Halloween and if you get a chance, check out my new fic. It's a one-shot Sirius fic called I Got Out.
Capitolo Diciannove: Lost and Found
"All Prefects will be expected to be in the Great Hall at nine o'clock tomorrow night to begin with the decorating, and the sooner we get it done, the sooner we can all get back to our common rooms. Everyone pick up an envelope on the way out, it will contain your specific duties. This meeting is adjourned, everyone have a great night." Lily rolled her eyes as she turned from the podium and began placing her things into her book bag again. She would bet a Galleon that somebody would forget an envelope and then ask her about it tomorrow morning at breakfast. Then she would take a couple house points, get a scowl or two, and calmly finish eating her orange.
She watched the last Prefects leave, forgetting their envelopes as they chatted on their way out, and Lily shot a triumphant glance at Amos.
"Damn, you won again. How do you always know what they're going to do it?"
"It's a secret, my dear, a very good secret. What job did you select?"
"I am going change the lighting."
Neither of them had to hear him say, "To help you."
Lily was perfectly capable of charming the candles to give off that special Christmas glow, but both of them knew at any minute she could lose grip of the brilliantly placed mask she was holding. The next day, she would be forced to decorate the castle for Christmas, and there was nothing she could dread more. She didn't know how she would be able to handle a full month of Christmas Trees and snowflakes and gingerbread and holly. Lily wasn't even sure what would happen when she heard her first Christmas carol, but she didn't think it would be good. It would be her first Christmas without her family, without anyone. Her mother and father were dead, Vernon would be taking Petunia on an anniversary cruise, and everyone would be going home, leaving her at Hogwarts by herself. Of course, Millie and Amos had both asked her home with then, but Lily wouldn't be able to watch Christmas as a curious spectator.
Technically, she wouldn't be alone at Hogwarts. There were dozens of students staying from each house. The orphan population had tripled over the summer and was growing with terrifying celerity. That would bring the reason that the Prefects and Head Boy and Girl had to decorate. The wizarding world could only be described as scary right now. There seemed to be an upheaval of power where nobody could be certain whose side somebody was on anymore. Professor Dumbledore had begun teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts this year, and the Transfiguration post had went unfilled after Professor Figg had left on a mysterious trip a week into the term. The free period each teacher had previously had at some point of the week was now spent teaching that class, making all the instructors frazzled to the point of ripping out their hair. The students were waffled back and forth between lessons with no apparent plan.
With a quick kiss and a hug, she and Amos parted at the dormitory stairs, and Lily walked up them tiredly. It seemed like everything in her life and changed, and not very much of it was for the better. Even her relationship with Amos had changed. They were sort of playing at being more than friends, but it was still in that awkward stage where people were still asking them if they were seriously dating or just playing a joke on someone. It was honestly terrible, though, when someone asked what had happened with James. She would make some sort of incoherent noise, look at Amos, and say 'we broke up this summer'.
Lily flopped into her bed and lay there, thinking about that question. She had no idea what he was doing. Lily had seen Remus in Hogsmeade a few weekends back, but he had only said that James was doing well. He had paused and looked at her for a long minute until Amos came running up and slipped his arm around her waist. Remus had quickly averted his eyes and murmured a quick goodbye.
All in all, it was November 28, and Lily Evans did not know how many days there were until Christmas. That seemed to sum up her situation rather tidily.
*~*~*
The train from Hogsmeade to London departed two brief days before Christmas, but it was a day made purposely special for even the students staying behind. Those who would not be journeying home were allowed to go to the station to see their friends off and stay an additional three hours in Hogsmeade. That depressed the stay-at-schools on an entirely new level. It was how Lily found herself at eleven o'clock in the morning.
She, like most of the remaining students, was alone. The prospect of spending the next three hours in the disgustingly festive atmosphere of Hogsmeade was unbearable. Instead, she found Alice Wigthim, who was also alone. Alice readily agreed to go with her, and they settled on Florean Fortescue's. The warm, coziness of the indoor parlor offered a welcome reprieve from the stiff coldness of the December weather. Standing in line, the two girls rubbed their hands together energetically and shivered.
Lily was just irritably asking, "Do you have something that doesn't have peppermint or gingerbread flavors?" when she heard the person in the next line say, "Vanilla with a vanilla crème hot chocolate."
Her shoulders became lax in exasperation, and she glanced briefly at Alice before working up the courage to look over. She confirmed her fears by spotting James Potter in the next line. He looked over at the same moment, and they stared at each other for a long second.
"Hi, Lily," he said at last, giving her a short, but very cool, smile.
It took her what seemed like years to formulate a response. "H-Hello. How are you?"
James nodded in response as he received his order. Lily could imagine how well he was doing as he walked away in a choppy gait that was dramatically accented in a limp. After she was sitting at a table with Alice, she couldn't help but watch him as he wrote something. He had several large books with him, and he wore reading glasses as he worked. She studied the look of relaxed concentration that was occasionally broken by his eyebrows drawing together. It was familiarity of the worst sort. She hated that.
The night she had helped decorate the great hall was the last time she had cried; she had sobbed into red velvet swag. Lily felt the tears gathering again, and Alice reached across the table asking, "Are you alright?"
"No. I'm not alright. I need…I need to leave. I've got to go." Lily stood up and hurried out of the building, but then she just stood on the sidewalk, staring out at the crowds. They were all hurrying around with something to do and someone to meet at the end. She was just standing there alone with the wind tugging at her cloak with no one. There would be no one to walk her to Hogwarts, no one there once she arrived. There would be nobody to wake her up on Christmas morning, and nobody to open presents with. There wasn't anyone to sing songs with and nobody to throw chestnuts in the fire with.
She didn't need to do any last minute shopping; there were only four people to buy for, how long did that take? Lily wouldn't return home with shiny, wrapped packages tucked under her arm or with that warm glow that proclaimed you had done a wonderful job.
Lily stumbled backward as someone ran into her. She muttered an apology but looked up to see it was Sirius Black with Peter Pettigrew standing beside him. "Oh, um…"
"Are you okay, Lily?" Peter asked, looking at her expectantly.
"No, Peter, I'm not, but I think that's really beside the point right now."
"Did I hurt you? You're crying," Sirius pointed out.
"No I'm not," she said and wiped at her tears. "I'm fine. I've got to go, bye."
Before she could walk away, Sirius called her name. "Happy Christmas."
Lily froze and turned to look at him again, knowing she was perilously close to breaking down. "Happy Christmas, Sirius, Peter."
Sirius watched her retreat, and then looked at Peter. "She's changed, hasn't she?"
"I would guess so. She's lost a lot recently."
"And she isn't doing anything to fix her situation. That's sad."
*~*~*
Christmas Day, 1973
Sixteen Ginela Boulevard
Potter Residence
The three family members stared at each other, none of them really sure of what to do.
Sadly enough, James had the best idea of what was supposed to happen next. He eyed his parents, both fully dressed and groomed for the day. "You were supposed to stay in pajamas. See."
"I don't know why we're doing this!" Mr
Potter snapped. "You're nineteen years
old and suddenly you want to have a real
Christmas! And now, I suppose, you're
going to sit here criticizing your mother and I for the entire blasted day!"
"No, I'm not. I'm just trying to do this the right way; I'm pointing it out for future reference, okay? Anyway, we're supposed to open presents now. I'll get them out from under the tree." James had wracked his memory savagely in the previous weeks in order to recreate last year's Christmas as faithfully as he could. He even had a list. He and the House Elves had decorated the house in hopes of removing the dark gloominess. James had given them recipes and a menu and found a Christmas station on the wireless.
Now it would be simply grand if his parents could just cooperate.
He handed them each several presents, earning surprised looks from both of them. There were five from himself, one from each of the Marauders and each parent. He was disappointed to note the lack of Christmas card from Lily, but shrugged it off to think about it later.
"Okay, now we all open our presents at once. Then we'll laugh, say thank you, and give hugs…wait…let's not hug."
The horror on his parents' faces was obvious.
The three of them began tearing into the presents, and the irony was enough to make James laugh humorlessly. Instead of the personal and specialty gifts Lily's family gave and received, his was the sort you would give strangers. That was until his father left the room and then reentered with a huge box covered in orange paper. Inside was a top of the line medical potions kit.
"I decided it was time I started taking your goal to be a Healer seriously. Here you go."
"I…thank you, sir," James said finally. "Thank you." He shook Mr. Potter's hand, thinking about the running hug Lily would have given her father. He would have to be alive for that to happen, though.
"So how is your medical training going?" Emmaline asked.
James stared around at the two of them, wondering how this could be happening. "Why don't I tell you over breakfast? It's only French toast since we're eating dinner in a few hours."
*~*~*
Christmas at Hogwarts
Lily stared up at the ceiling above her bed, wondering how in the hell things had come down to this. Seriously, as what pointed had she offended the gods or other controlling being?
Always in the past, Christmas had been something good and pure to her. It was, quite simply, untouchable. No matter what, it was there every December 25, and nothing could change that. Christmas was beautiful because of that. There were always second chances to get it right, but it didn't really matter if you did or not, because there was no set way Christmas had to be.
However, she was sure Christmas wasn't supposed to involve lying in bed at eleven thirty in the morning with no desire to get out of bed.
She put her hands over her face and sighed, not knowing what to do. The reasonable part of her said she should try to make the best out of a bad situation, but the part of her that still hurt and mourned her parents suggested she just stay in bed and cry. The hurt part won, and she rolled onto her side again, trying to block out the morning light.
She dreamed of reindeer and her parents, but awoke to an owl sitting on her.
She took the envelope it offered her, looking around expectantly for something in return. It hopped away from the owl treat she offered and bobbed its head at the still unopened envelope. Wearily, Lily smashed her glasses onto her face and opened it, drawing out a matte card with a Christmas scene of blinking lights. The lights let her know it was originally a Muggle card, but that it had been bewitched. She opened it to find Your Christmas wish came true written on the inside. Lily was temporarily confused because she hadn't made a wish this year; nothing magical nor Muggle could bring the dead back. Thank you for giving me Christmas.
"Oh, dear Lord," she moaned. Drawing her knees up, Lily felt monumentally worse. She didn't need to be reminded of last Christmas, she didn't want to be thanked…she didn't want to think of him being happy with someone else. All of it hurt too much.
Unfortunately, it looked like the owl exspected to pick up a card in return. She hadn't bought cards this year as in the past. That left her with two options: reuse the card Petunia sent her or improvise. She chose the latter. Drawing out a roll of parchment and her colored inks, she folded the paper and drew a quick Christmas tree on the front. Inside she scribbled As you can probably tell I didn't buy Christmas cards this year; I didn't plan to give or receive any. I'm glad you're having a nice Christmas. Apparently you don't need it, but Happy Christmas all the same. Lily. She rolled it up and tied it to the owl's leg.
After it had gone, she burst into tears.
For the first time, Christmas had failed her.
There was something so sad about it that she just couldn't bear it.
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Where Are You Christmas
*~*~*
A/N: No, you are not hallucinating, this really, honest to God, and update. I was in a sort of moral crisis over my former plan for this fic, but last night I thought of something else. It just clicked in my mind and here I am, a day later. I really apologize about taking so long, and for those of you who didn't know, I put a little note in my bio. If you'll check there that should usually explain what my hold up is if it's something that I have a modicum of control over. Anyway, happy Halloween and if you get a chance, check out my new fic. It's a one-shot Sirius fic called I Got Out.