A/N: All right... I know I didn't update yesterday, but that's because I got addicted to www dot hpana dot com. It's got a Harry Potter forum where you can discuss basically anything related to the books, especially book 6. So, yeah, I'll be spending some time on there probably each day 'til the new book comes out. Now, back to this story, I need to thank Nemorosa Knopp who pointed out that I was wrong about Hermione and Harry being born 2 months apart, so I deleted the sentence in chapter 4 which claimed that they had. :Cough: What a dumbass I am. :End cough: At any rate, it's no big deal anyway 'cause it wasn't even one of the cleverer sentences in the chapter. Thanks to Jessica L'rynn (and probably others who I can't remember at the moment) who suggested the "random resurrection option." And I believe you will agree that mine is pretty random. (Tense pause while author searches for something...) Bah! Okay, look... I've been looking through the reviews list for several minutes and can't find who told me to put in the "boggart" scene w/ Mary Sue. Whoever you are, if you mention it in your review for this chapter (assuming you wanted to review... otherwise you could just e-mail me at brdplhen1 at aol dot com.) I will give you credit in next author's note. You'll notice, by the way, that I did not use your suggestion for what she should be afraid of (nothing) because... I like my idea better... ; )

Chapter 16

Defense Against the Dark Arts

"Okay, so, this chapter we've really got to have the characters go to their Defense Against the Dark Arts Class, or people may start to get irritable," said Hermione before they began work on the next chapter.

"Okay, I've got some ideas for what we could do, actually," said Harry.

"Cool," Hermione said. She was always using the word "cool." "Anyway, who wants to write the beginning author's note?"

"I will," said Ginny.

A/N: Seriously, you guys are awesome... these reviews just keep getting better and better (not meaning that you guys are becoming more and more complimentary, because nearly everybody has been plenty complimentary from the beginning) because a lot of them are funny (I've got to say top prize for this chapter goes to "Vanessachick-who's-awesome" because she gave us all badges with witty sayings on them... Honorable mentions go to LizzieizBizzie, Hrrypttrfan, and Littlemisschatterbox). Twenty reviews for one chapter before we've put an update up too... that's a new record for this fic (and it completely blows certain other fics, like that "Harry Potter and the Coming War" by some fella named "Gryffindor777" out of the water). By the way, somebody asked what a hit counter was. On your stats page, if you go to stats by story, you can now see how many times each chapter of your story has been accessed. Pretty cool, I think. Oh, and I thought that prophetically was a word, although I can't be sure. All right. This is too long. Let's get to the actual story, shall we?

Hermione, who was destined to keep her comments short on the grounds that the author (meaning, in this particular case, Gryffindor777) wants to get to the damn parody already, 'cause he has some ideas that need to get typed before they disappear, began to instruct Harry on what he was supposed to include in this chapter. "Okay, just make sure to put in a button, because those are just fun. Also, since the incessant use of the word prophecy and various forms seemed to go over well last chapter, I've decided we should have a new "word of the chapter" feature to more accurately exhibit fanfiction writer's tendency to stick with a word when they come up with one. This chapter, our word is "seduce" and its various forms. And don't feel yourself to be limited to forms that actually exist. Make some up if you like. And remember the grammatical errors. Also, as this is a DADA class, make sure that you've got us learning spells that are crazily complicated and too ridiculous to exist in real life, let alone be mastered by sixth year students if they did exist. Also, make sure that we master the spells pretty much immediately on the grounds that fanfiction authors cannot be bothered with writing about us struggling to grasp difficult spells. All right, that's all I can think of at this point. Harry, you might as well write this chapter pretty much by yourself (you can ask us for suggestions of course) even though the reviewers don't seem to like you quite as much as they like Ron. Oh well, I've said enough, it's time to get writing."

And so, Harry began.

Aurora was bouncing up and down with excitement. She was finally going to get to go to her first ever Defense Against the Dark Arts class at Hogwarts. She could bearlee contain her exitment as she walked seductively into the classrewm.

All three of the professors were standing at the front of the room, including Lupin, as well as Scarlet and Ebony (you'd almost forgotten about them, hadn't you?).

Lupin was the first to address the class full of Gryffindor 5th years once it had first been seated. "Today, we will start class off with a boggart. The primary reason for this is that I like to see poor kids react to being shown their biggest fears in front of a group of their peers who can then be expected to make fun of them for it. It's how I get my jollies. So, who wants to face the boggart first?"

Ginny, who was sitting seductingly on Harry's lap, raised her hand. Yeah, she had been promoted to sixth year. Mostly because the average H/G shipper really can't stand to have Ginny and Harry apart for long enough to conduct classes. No offense to H/G shippers of course. I myself am one. Anyway.

So, Ginny is faced the boggart first. At this point, the Boggart turned into the twins snogging each other for the amusement of Ash-vault-Rose-Garden who has been absolutely insistent in her reviews that we needed to include some romance between those two (this is all you're getting, though... sorry). Ginny was very afraid of twincest, but was able to ridikkulus away the boggart anyway, clearing the way for Deamus to have a go. His boggart turned into a pink waffle topped with pineapples being eaten by an apricot playing the banjo. Deamus is a weird kid. Then, Merry Sue Aurora encountered the boggart. It turned into Hermione standing in front of her, reading a book entitled "How To Conquer a Mary-Sue." After about 5 more minutes, the greatest fears of each of the students had been revealed and heartily made fun of. This made Lupin very jolly.

"Okay, I will now turn the class over to Ebony and Scarlet," said Lupin, gesturing seductively toward them. The seductive gesture will not be discussed in any further detail herein on the grounds that I have no idea how someone might manage to gesture seductively.

However, at that point, lesson interrupted by none other than Sirius Black apparating into the middle of the room. "I'm back from the dead," he stated simply. Nobody is surprised.

"I knew you'd come around," said Lupin.

However, at that point, Sirius tripped and fell flat on his face. It hurt.

"You know, on second thought," said Sirius irritably, after getting back up from having fallen on the floor, "maybe life isn't that great afterall. In the after life, there's no pain, and I get to be with James and Lily and everybody. Er... actually, I think I quite prefer it there, after-all. Yes. Hey, Harry, if you think you'll be all right on your own for a bit, I think I'm just going to nip off and go back to the dead," said Sirius cheerfully.

"Okay," Harry agreed.

Sirius vanished seductionately.

"I think that's what the prophecy from last chapter meant when it said 'The dog will chase its tail," said Hermione.

"What, it meant that Sirius, who is symbolized by a dog because that's his animagus form, came back to life but then went back to the dead, thus going around in a circle and metaphorically 'chasing his tail'?" asked Harry excitedly.

"Er, no. I was talking about that," said Hermione, pointing over to the corner of the room where a Weimerainer Dog was chasing it's tail.

"Right," said Scarlet. "So, as I was about to say, we've got some new and completely impossible spells to teach you."

Ebony, who was wearing one of Ginny's discount badges, was the next to speak. However, before she does, now would be a good time to explain what the badge said. It said, "It takes a special kind of wizard to be seduced by a toaster-oven." When pressed, it said, "Wizard's Chess Being Played by Goldfish Under the Full Moon." Nobody was entirely sure why it said either of those things. Anyway, Ebony spoke, saying, "The first spell we're going to teach you today is used to turn your opponent into a trout. And of course, trouts can't use wands, or breathe air, so if you use it on your opponent, they will be defenseless against you, and will soon die of suffocation. The incantation is "Troutus." The counter-curse is "Untroutus." Fanfiction writers like to keep the incantations as simple as possible so that they don't take much time to think of. It's easier that way. Anyway, begin practicing."

So, of course, Aurora learned the spell first. This made Hermione angry and made her thirst seductioningly for the day when she would finally bring about Aurora's downfall. Once Aurora transformed him back from a trout, Ron snogged her. One would think that it would be quite gross to snog someone who had just gotten changed back from being a trout, but Aurora didn't mind on the grounds that she was besting her rival Hermione. Most of the rest of the class learned how to perform the spell within 3 minutes of being taught, except for Newpill, who, instead of turning Deamus into a trout like he was supposed to, accidentally turned himself into a chipmunk doing forbidden things with a goldfish. Lupin managed to transform him back, but not before the class was scarred for life by the display.

"Okay," said Scarlet. "I've got another spell to teach you. This one is used to make your opponent disappear from where he is standing and reappear several feet away. It doesn't really make him powerless to fight you or anything, but it does cause the victim to become rather disoriented, giving the caster a temporary advantage. It also has the unexpected side-effect of causing all the people in the room in which it is cast to lose all sense of proper grammar."

Cinnamon Malfoy responded by saying, "But we are a little womanish sometimes."

The rest of the class was rather confused by Cinnamon's inexplicable outburst and so decided that it would be safest simply to agree with them. So they did.

Ebony continued explaining about the spell. "The incantation is 'dissapearfromoneplaceandmaterializeseveralfeetawayiarmus.' I suspect you will all be able to do this spell immediately upon trying."

They began to practice. Cinnamon, who was feeling vaguely less womanish at the moment, successfully cast the spell on Deamus, who seducively materialized several feet away. Then, all grammatical Hell broke loose.

Deamus said, "Where's me?"

"I don't know, where is you?" asked Cinnamon, looking around.

"There am I at," stated Deamus.

"Right, there you is!" agreed Cinnamon.

Neville attempted to cast the spell on Hermione, but succeeded only in causing 76 grapefruit to fall seductionitatively out of a closet next to Scarlet.

"Right, well... that's all I can think of to write," said Harry.

"Er... good then. I'll write the ending author's note," said Hermione.

A/N: For this chapter we give all of our reviewers their very own set of gobstones. Or chocolate. Or chocolate gobstones. Whichever you prefer, really. Anyway... we hope you liked this chapter. It made us laugh anyway.

A/N: Well... um. Okay, I would just like to point out that the bit about being a little womanish sometimes was actually said by one of my co-workers at work today. The reaction of confused agreement for the sake of one's own protection was the course of action chosen by me. The "Where's me" bit came from the fact that at my job (I sell people photographs at an amusement park) customer's who are looking for themselves up on the screen will ask "Where's me?" So... Just in case you were curious how my mind works. I spend a lot of time at work (which is often very boring) coming up with ideas for this story. It keeps me sane. Of course, sometimes, when I think of something I find particularly amusing, I might smile, or actually laugh out loud to myself. I did that today. I think at least one of my coworkers may now think that I'm insane. No worries though. As always, thanks for reading, and reviewing if you could be persuaded to do that as well.