Chapter 18:
The Giant Squib
On one particular night (which, coincidentally, happens to be the very night about to be described by this particluar chapter) Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny realized that it was only two days before they were scheduled to go back to school.
"Well... looks like that means this will be our second to last chapter then," said Hermione.
"But we don't even have a plot yet!" yelled Harry, even though yelling was pretty much uncalled for at the moment.
"How many times do I have to tell you, we don't need a plot?" asked Hermione. "We just need to wrap this up in two chapters. Fortunately, I know how to do this because all of the fanfiction writers in the week prior to July 16th 2005 (which, for some reason, happens to be the point in the future from which my magical computer is retrieving websites from at the moment) seem to be just as shocked as we just were to find that they only had a few more days to publish their stories before they become obsolete. You'd think that they would have had a little more warning, considering the fact that most people who are obsessed enough about the Harry Potter books to write fanfiction about them actually have the date of the release of the next book tattooed to their bloody arms (their arms are bloody because the person doing the tattooing puctured farther than he or she had intended to and drew a lot of blood...), but apparently the imminent release of a new book has caught the fanfiction community quite off guard. So, now, not only are most fanfiction writers too lazy to write anything actually worth reading, now they're rushing too. So, obviously the quality of fanfiction has deterioated lately. And, to correctly reflect fanfictiondom in general, so shall our story."
"Good then," said Ron. "What will our word of the day be?"
"Er... I dunno, 'tickle'?" asked Harry tentatively.
"Sounds good to me," answered Ginny.
"Okay, fine. Now, this is the point in the story where the average fanfiction writer realizes that they haven't got a plot, and therefore use other literary tactics to cover this up. These literary tactics include: pointless action, pointless snogging, pointless stupid humor, and also plenty of pointy objects, so as to make up for the lack of points anywhere else in the story. Oh, and also, all sense of logic must leave the story at this point, especially the normal rules of cause and effect, because making a story flow logically would take prescious time that the authors apparently don't have at this juncture. Oh. And grammar, spelling, and typoes all get even worse than before. Sometimes, entire words are left out of certain sentences only to reappear several sentences later in the middle of a completely unsuspecting sentence. I'm not sure whether I've actually ever seen this happen in fanfiction, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened. So. Off we go. Oh, and, since we're in a rush, just, whoever happens to have an idea can get on the computer and type, we won't have a set person type the whole thing."
"Well, wait, how are we going to start out the chapter?" asked Harry.
"I don't know... Why not a warm surrogate-father/son scene wherein Lupin and Harry work together to solve a problem? And then the action can begin, because the last few chapters of a fanfiction must include as much incoherent action as possible."
Thus, Harry began to type.
A/N: Thanks to everyone for the reviews. We would be more specific, but apparently, we're in a rush. So, this chapter shall begin abruptly.
Harry and Lupin were trying to fix a leak in a pipe in the sixth-year boys' dormitory. Of course, what they really should have been trying to figure out was why the hell there was a pipe in the middle of the dormitory, but they weren't?
"Oh, good, you've got one of your grammatical mistakes in already," praised Hermione.
"What?" asked Harry.
"Wait, you're going to tell me you didn't notice that you put a question-mark at the end of that sentence?" asked Hermione, now confused.
"Of course I did! It's a quest-" said Harry, then having glanced up at the sentence, said, "er... whoops." Harry started to type some more.
"Reparo!" shouted Lupin, pointing his wand at the leaky pipe; nothing happened.
"You know... I'm not sure you should be messing around with semi-colons if you can't even properly use question-marks. Semi-colons are pretty heavy-duty, you might hurt yourself," teased Ginny. Harry stood up from the computer-chair in mock-irritation, giving Ginny a chance to sidle into the computer-chair.
Harry tryd to repear the pyp using magic as well, but that didn't work either. He also tickled it. It giggled a bit, but continued to leak. Finelly, Lupin gave up, and merely stuck the point of his wand into the hole in the pipe.
"There, that seems to have turned the trick," said Lupin in a satisfied manner.
"Oh, speaking of things that turn tricks, where's Ginny?" asked HarRy.
"Just can't let the prostitute joke die, can you?" asked Ron, apparently somewhat perturbed. He traded seats with his sister and began to type. Because, once again, this chapter, he can type.
"Oh, right. I was supposed to tell you. The giant sqid is holding her in the layk. I think he may also be tickling her," replied Lupin.
Neville rushed into the room, simultaneously sNogging LuNa in order to make this chapter more sexy. "Quick! The giant squib's got Ginny!"
"The giant squib?" asked Harry. "I thought it was the giant squid?"
"No. It's definitely the giant squib. His name's Chuckles, although his friends call him Major Tickles," explained Luna, who then went back to snogging Neville.
"Then why did Lupin just say it was the giant squid?" asked Harry, still confused.
"I dunno, it must've been one of those typoes the are always putting in. They seem to think it's phunny. Authors."
"Er... was that one of those cases of a word being left out of a sentence and then reappearing elsewhere?" asked Harry, who seemed confused.
"Yeah," replied Ron, who then got up from the computer seat. "It's somebody else's turn."
"I'll take a go. You guys just don't seem to be rushing enough yet. We've go to make this believable!" said Hermione.
"Butt whut's the Giant Squib doing in the lake?" asked Lupin.
"Oh. It's in the lake! Maybe it was the squid then. It might've been me that the authors made say the typo. Anyway, let's all go to the lake.
They all walked out, each carrying their wands, in spite of the fact that Lupin had not yet removed his from the pipe. The pipe exploded.
On their way down to the lake, they met up with Cinnamon Malfory, Ron, and Hermione. And also Dudley Dursley. And Quirrel, in spite of the fact that he's dead. Oh! And Scabbers. As well as Wormtail. They killed Wormtail, but Scabbers managed to scamper away unharmed, receiving ownly minor tickles from Crookshanks, who had transformed into a Grim named Sirius in spite of the fact that he's dead again. Minty Malfoy showed up as well.
"See, that's what fanfiction looks like when it's being rushed. Absolutely incoherent. Even moreso than normal," said Hermione. "Now, does anybody else think they can keep that up?"
"Sure," said Ginny, "I'm ready for a challenge. In fact, I bet I can make my bit less coherent than yours. Oh! And I mustn't forget to put one of my buttons in this chapter.
As Minty and Cinnamon were now in sight of one another, they should've had to use their distinctive 'bloody' and 'brave' words. But they had forgotten, because they were in a rush. Minty said, "Put that in your wand and shove it up your rental car!"
Cinnamon replied, "Describe me helpless!"
Because both had forgotten to use their special words, they immediately turned back into one person, who was exactly the same as Malfoy had been before the potions accident, except that this time he believed that the word "asparagus" was spelled with an 'n'.
Dudley was wearing one of Ginny's discount badges, which she had given him before the squid walked up to take her to its hiding place. It said, "Ticklish baracudas in distress solve the equation for pasta metaphorically."
When pressed, it said, "If I owned a gobstone, you'd have eaten my only giddy wombat."
"Okay, good job, that was definitely incoherent," said Harry. "Now let me have another shot, will you?"
"Sure," said Ginny, who scooted over in the chair to let Harry sit down. Mostly because "scoot" is such a fun word. Harry typed.
Dudley said, "I think that my left tennis-shoe holds the key to defeating the giant squid!"
"Why would you say that?" asked Harry.
"Oh, I don't know. There probably was no reason. Sometimes, I'm just stupid," explained Dudley.
"NO! YOU must have said it for a raisin. The authors wouldn't be putting in meaningless die a log now, thier inn a rush"
"Oh. Then, maybe it had something to do with this key that I carry around in my left tennis-shoe," theororized Dudley who then pulled a kee from hiss pocket.
"That makes sense!" accused Ron ticklingly.
"Maybe I should go down to the Giant Squid and give use it to get Ginny!" tickled Harry. "Here, use some gillyweed!" advised Hermione, who proceeded to pick some from the ground in spite of the fact that if this was possible then Dobby woulnd't have needed to steal it from Snape's personal store during Harry's forth yeer.
"All right, Ron, why don't you have another go as well?" asked Hermione. So Ron began to type.
"By the way, here's your reason," said Ron, handing Dudley a raisin.
"Thanks," said Harry. Then, he grew gills. He swam down to the Giant Squid.
"What are you doing here?" asked the Squid, who had been taking English classes from Fleur Delacour.
"I'm trying to find a plot," said Harry.
"Oh. Well. I can't tell you about that, although I can tell you what to do if you ever find a rabbit up your nose," revealed the squid.
"Can you?" asked Harry.
"Yes. You eat it," said the squid.
"Oh," said Harry, who was disappointed because he had believed the Giant Squid to be a vegetable.
"Oh, by the way, did you want me to give your girlfriend back?"
"Yweah, thad be NYSE," said Harry.
"I will trade her to you for a key," stated the Squid.
"I seem to have a key right here," said Harry, removing the key Dudley had given him from his (Ron's) armpit. "And I will make that trade. But you'll have to tickle me first!"
"Okay," agreed the squid, who then tickled Harry, and then chucked both Harry and Ginny off to dry land. However, The Giant Squid was sad, becaue now he didn't have Ginny to play with. Therefore, Aurora decided to go live with the Giant Squid. Eventually, they got married, because it turned out that the Giant Squid was a female after all, and actually quite good looking.
The wedding ceremony included plenty of pointy objects, and frankly, the Giant Squid was tickled by the whole arrangement.
"Well, that seems to be a suitable end to the chapter," said Hermione. "I'll write an ending author's note."
A/N: Okay. Now, since we've gotten in some action, all that's left now is the ultimate battle scene between Voldemort and Harry. This will occur next chapter. It will be accompanied by tuna. Oh. And anyone who reviews this chapter will receive an e-jalapeno pepper of the magical variety.
A/N from Gryffindor777: Er... Well... This will be the second to last chapter of this particular parody. I'll publish the last chapter possibly as soon as tomorrow but definitely before the 16th. Once I've had some time to read the sixth book and to also read some bad 7th year fanfiction, there may be another installment of Harry Potter and Co Write fanfiction, or else maybe another idea for a parody will strike me. Who knows. But, anyway, there's still one more chapter to go here. Review to let me know what you liked about this chaper/ didn't like about this chapter/ found in your broom cupboard last Tuesday.