For three days Daniel and Sarah's baby girl hovered between life and death, her basic will to live trying to get the better of her two months premature birth and the fatal trauma her mother had suffered. It was a minor miracle that Janet had managed to save the little girl at all, although often she wondered if she had really managed to save it, or just prolong her suffering before she joined her mother in whatever afterlife there was.
For those three days, Daniel didn't leave the tiny girl's incubator. In fact, Janet wasn't even sure that he'd so much as blinked, he watched his sickly daughter with intensely, as if his will alone could stave off the spectre of death that skirted around the infirmary. He wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink, wouldn't sleep, just watched his daughter, silently pleading with whatever divine spiritual power was out there – God? Oma? He didn't much care who answered, so long as someone did.
Oh, please, let his daughter live. He hadn't been such a bastard to deserve this, had he? To sentence two people to death because of his actions? Why not let hi, die instead? Sarah had been innocent. He was the one to blame.
And now Sarah was dead.
For three days, Daniel tortured himself with guilt. He had caused this. If he'd only been able to keep his dick in his pants. If he'd only had a little more restraint. If only he hadn't been so goddamn selfish.
In the depths of his guilt, he didn't even think about Samantha and the part she had played in Sarah's terrible accidental death. That would come later. For now, he blamed himself, and prayed for his daughter's survival.
Banished to her own quarters, Samantha wallowed in her own guilt. Hammond was genuinely frightened more blood would be spilt if Daniel were to be in the same room as Samantha. And he had good reason, too. She had tempted a committed man beyond endurance and now Karma was punishing her. Funny, as a scientist, Samantha had never believed in spiritual higher powers – life was what you made it and everything had a scientific answer – but now, in the darkest recesses of her mind, she did.
She should never have pursued Daniel. She should have accepted if he didn't come to her freely, he wasn't hers to pursue. She should never have let him go in the first place, but once she had, she should have accepted she was gone.
And now Sarah was dead, and their daughter was dying.
Janet, who couldn't bear to tell Daniel the truth, told it to Samantha. " She's two months premature, " she informed the Major. " That in itself wouldn't be a problem in this day and age – we can keep babies alive that are born four months premature – but the force Sarah suffered in her fall – well, I was lucky just to be able to deliver her by C-section, and sometimes I think it was more of a curse. I don't know if I've done anything more then prolong her life by a few day's. "
Samantha prayed and prayed to some higher power she had never before believed in that the baby would survive. It lay heavily enough on her conscience that Sarah was dead – at least she had died instantly, broken necks tended to do that – but for the little girl to die as well – what had either of them ever done to Samantha to deserve that? A few days ago, Samantha would have said Sarah had stolen Daniel from her, but deep down, she had known that wasn't true. She had let Daniel go, let him go because she was too proud to overlook one little indiscretion.
And when she had realised she loved him, she hadn't loved him enough to let him go. He loved Sarah, she knew that now. She knew from the way he sat in the infirmary, watching, waiting, grieving, that he loved her. She had convinced herself he was only with Sarah because she was pregnant but now she knew he loved her.
Now, that Samantha had played a part in her death.
Please, she begged God, for lack of a better high power to be praying to, please let her survive. I don't know how Daniel will handle it if she doesn't. I don't know how I will handle it.
On the third day, the little girl, who had never been named, rapidly deteriorated and died over a few minutes. Daniel watched in absolute horror as Janet tried over and over to resuscitate the tiny child, tried far harder then she would have normally. She knew there was no hope for the little girl, but it took her a while to face up to the fact.
" NO! " Daniel screamed when Janet called the death. " No, you have to try again. You have to bring her back. You can't just let her die – you can't let my daughter die. She's…all…I…have, " he said in a broken voice that broke the heart of every person in the room.
" Daniel, I'm sorry, " Janet said in her most authoritative voice, although she doubted anything could get through Daniel's broken, hysterical mind. " She's dead. There's nothing more I can do. " They didn't have a sarcophagus on site, and even if they did, Janet doubted it would work. For a sarcophagus to work, there had to be some kind of life there in the first place. She had never had a chance.
" No! " Daniel screamed, and it reminded Janet of when Sha're had died. The man wasn't very good at accepting the death of loved ones. " No…no…" slowly he quietened down, as if all his energy had died with his daughter. " No, " he said again in a broken whisper.
Out of the corner of his eye, Daniel spotted a scalpel on the operating table and lunged for it. Before anyone registered what he was doing, he managed to gouge the sharp instrument deep into his wrist without flinching. By the time he was restrained, he had done some considerable damage, although nothing that couldn't be fixed. Janet ordered him restrained to a cot and given a strong sedative that would knock him out for several hours at least.
For an hour, she was too shaken by the events that had just transpired to do anything. There had been no real risk of Daniel killing himself, there had been too many trained doctors around for that, and deep down, he had probably known that. But it illustrated how deep his grief went – and his guilt.
Without Sarah and their daughter, he didn't want to live.
When Samantha was told about it, she was also shaken. " Oh…God, " she gasped when Janet informed her. " Poor Daniel. Where is he now? "
" He's in the infirmary, restrained, " Janet said. " I'll keep him that way until Sarah's funeral – he'll want to be lucid for that and we have the manpower to keep an eye on him for a few hours. That's not what I'm concerned about. I'm concerned that this illustrates just how deeply his grief goes. And his guilt. "
" His guilt? " Samantha asked morosely. " What does he have to feel guilt about? "
Janet stared at her. " Uh, how about the fact him sleeping with you caused her to run off and miscarry? " she asked.
" That was all my fault, " Samantha said in a small voice. " I'll tell him that, if you want. "
" You will do no such thing, " Janet said swiftly. " There's been enough antagonism between you and Daniel, Sam, it has to stop now. I don't want you to have anything to do with him. He's got his own share of the blame in this, but you have to face up to what you did. You couldn't bear that he'd moved on, you had to try and break them up. You know, there are some people around here who would see this as a pretty effective solution. "
Samantha gasped in horror. " You can't mean to think I planned this? " she asked. She had wanted to get rid of Sarah, it was true, but never like this.
" Of course I don't, Sam. I'm just saying that there are some who would. I think it would be best for everyone if you were to keep your distance from him for the time being. "
Samantha nodded sadly. The last thing she wanted to do was cause more trouble for Daniel.
Daniel came to slowly, reluctantly, his subconscious mind rallying against the pain in his body and conscience mind. He had cut pretty deep into his wrist, and that was hurting badly, but not as badly as his heart was hurting.
Sarah was dead. Their daughter was dead. He may as well be dead.
Clearly, Janet – or someone – had already thought of this, because he was securely restrained. He made a few halfhearted attempts to free himself, but he knew from personal experience what those restraints could withstand. " Goddamnit it! " he yelled in anger, frustration and grief, loud enough to sent a nurse running.
" Doctor Jackson, " she said, unsure of how to handle him. " I'll just get Doctor Fraiser. "
" You do that, " he said irritably. His mind was clearing now, and with it came the sharpness of his grief…and his guilt. And his irritation at being tied up like he was a menace or something.
" I was worried you were a menace to yourself, " Janet told him bluntly when he complained to her. " You cut yourself pretty deeply there. " Tentatively she reached for Daniel's hand, and when he didn't pull away from her, she unbound his bandaged wrist to check his wound. " It's healing nicely, " she said. " Just take the usual precautions with it – keep it sterile, change the dressing regularly. When you get out of here I want you to see me once a day until it's healed completely. "
" When I get out of here? " Daniel questioned.
Janet sighed. She knew this was going to come up. " Right now I don't think you're fit to be unsupervised, " she admitted.
" You mean you think I'm going to try and kill myself again? " Daniel asked.
Janet could already see those blue eyes working, recalling all the strong prescription drugs, not to mention all the untested medications they had brought from offworld, he would have access to with a little fast talking. Like hell she was leaving him unsupervised.
Daniel sank into the mattress, tears welling in his eyes. " Why didn't you just let me die, Janet? " he asked. " I would have been happier. "
I'm sure you would have, Janet thought sadly, She recalled her unspoken suggestion when Daniel lay dying of radiation poisoning that he be euthenaised to put him out of his misery. Although these were vastly different circumstances, when she looked into his eyes and saw the depths of his unhappiness, somehow they didn't seem so different. " I'm a Doctor, Daniel, my job is to restore life, not take it. "
" You couldn't restore Sarah's… or our daughter's, " he said accusingly.
" Sarah was dead the second she hit the ground, " Janet reminded him, as gently as she could given the subject matter. " And your daughter… we tried, Daniel, we really did. "
Daniel looked as though he was going to argue with her, but instead he sank back and let his tears flow. " I don't know how I can live without her, Janet, " he cried.
" You'll find a way – you did after Sha're, " Janet said encouragingly. It was hard to be positive about moving on when faced with the kind of grief Daniel felt.
There was a silence for a few seconds and Janet ventured to say, " Tomorrow Sarah's funeral's being held. I thought you'd like to go. "
Daniel looked at her, still trying to comprehend Sarah's death. A funeral made it all the more real. But he knew he had to go. He knew he'd regret it for the rest of his life if he didn't. " OK, " he agreed. " I'll go. "
" No-one's forcing you, " Janet told him. " If you're not up to it, you have no obligation. "
" I SAID I'LL GO! " Daniel yelled, and Janet blanched at the sudden change in tone of his voice. " Sorry, " he said remorsefully. " It's a lot to get used to. "
" I understand, " Janet said softly. She couldn't help but feel profound pity for the guy. Yes, he was partly responsible for the accident that had caused Sarah's death – and the death of their daughter – but he would be paying the price for that through his guilty conscience for the rest of his life. Janet was no phycologist, but she doubted if you could ever truly forgive yourself for something like that.
She decided it would be best to tell Daniel now she planned on having him monitored at the funeral. The last thing the Stargate Command was for one of their members to make a scene and blurt out some state secrets in anger. " You gave me – you gave us all quite a fright yesterday, " she said. " And honestly, I think given the opportunity, you'd probably do it again. " She only needed to look into Daniel's eyes for a few seconds to know that this was true. His heart ached for Sarah ; better to be in the grave with her then alive without her. " So I'm having some security assigned to you – for your own wellbeing. "
" My own wellbeing? " Daniel parroted, his tone lifeless. " I'll feel like crap weather I have a security detail or not. "
Janet gave a small smile. " Yes, but the rest of us will feel better knowing you're not an immediate threat to yourself. " Although if Daniel didn't find a way to deal with his grief and guilt, he would end up being a threat to himself in other ways.
Daniel shrugged apathetically. He truly didn't care what Janet did, beyond the fact she was making it impossible for him to take the easy way out. He supposed he should be grateful, and maybe in the future he would be, but right now he didn't care. He just wanted to die. " Whatever you want, " he said indifferently, in a tone that broke Janet's heart. Daniel had often driven her crazy with his tangents, his obsessions, his pathological disregard for military protocol – but it had all been done with passion, and now he had done.
" It's scary, " she admitted to Hammond later that night. " It's like beyond being with Sarah, he doesn't care about anything. "
" I hope you're not going to give him the option of being with Sarah, " Hammond thundered.
" Of course not. " What kind of a doctor did he take her for? " I'm just saying, it's going to be a lot of work, getting him back to normal – if that's at all possible. I think the most we have to hope for at this time is getting him back to being able to look after himself. Based on my impressions, it's going to be a long, long time before Doctor Jackson's ready to go on missions again. " If ever, she added silently, although she didn't say so out loud. Daniel was like a son to Hammond, and no father wants to hear that their son will never be the twinkle in their eye that they once were.
" And what about Major Carter? "
" She's holding up OK, " Janet said. " She's only got guilt to deal with, not grief as well, I think in time, with some counselling, she'll get over it. She has a strong mind. " Which was more then could be said for Daniel right now. " What I'm more concerned about is how she'll be perceived on the base. "
" How so? "
" Well, there's going to be a lot of people who'll say she somehow planned this – or at least that she isn't sorry Sarah's dead. She's a very successful woman, sir, even within the program, a lot of people are jealous of that and would love to see her fall. I'm afraid it will affect how people will see her. "
" At least she's still part of SG-1. Jack and Teal'c won't think so little of her. "
" That's one consolation, " Janet agreed. Although there was only so much time Samantha could spend with her team members before she had to integrate with the other members of the Stargate Command, and Janet was more then a little afraid of the consequences of that happening.
Daniel knew people were expecting him to make a scene at Sarah's funeral, and he wasn't going to give them the satisfaction. He was glad he had come, although he could barely stand it to watch them lower her body into the ground. The morticians had done an excellent job concealing the cuts Janet had made to do the C-section, so she looked eerily alive, just so… still.
So dead.
Sarah was dead. He had to keep reminding himself of that, or he would be likely to forget. Sometimes he did forget, and he was forced back to an unwelcome reality, where Sarah and their daughter were dead, and he was responsible for both events.
I'm so sorry, he said silently to the dead woman. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could trade my life for yours and our daughter's.
It was a nightmare for Daniel to meet Sarah's parents, who had flown in from England. To spare them any unnecessary grief, Janet had given her cause of death as a fall, a tragic accident with no extenuating circumstances. The Gardners didn't need to know their daughter had been fleeing from her cheating boyfriend, caught in the act.
Daniel didn't know weather to be grateful or resentful of that interferences. It had been the humane thing to do, and it meant Daniel didn't have to deal with their accusations on top of his own guilt, but in a way, it would have been welcome. He wanted someone to rant and rage at him, externalise some of the guilt he was internalising. He wanted someone to be as angry at him as he was himself. Maybe that would make things easier.
The funeral and wake were nice, dignified. Daniel wasn't sure who had organised it – probably Janet, Sarah hadn't had the chance to make new friends or rekindle old ones since she'd gotten back, Daniel made a mental note to thank her for it – but Sarah would have liked it.
He made appropriate talk with her parents, waxing lyrical about how happy they had been together, how devastated he was by not only her loss but the loss of their daughter – he couldn't bring himself to admit the truth. It would kill them.
After the wake, he was 'escorted' back to the base (a nice way of saying if he didn't go quietly his security entail would drug him and carry him back) where he sat in the infirmary, brooding. He hadn't shown any signs of trying to kill himself, so Janet figured it was OK if he remained unsedated and unrestrained, so long as there was always someone to keep an eye on him. There wasn't much damage he could do to himself in the minute it would take for security to get there. And besides, it couldn't be doing his screwed-up mind any good to be constantly in fog.
So he sat in the infirmary, the only reason he didn't try anything being that he knew there wasn't much he could do in the minute it would take security to get there – damn Janet and her thoroughness. He was glad not to have that damn cloudiness in his head anymore. The pain was sharp now, but he preferred that to the dull, vauge, almost manageable ache.
Sarah had deserved better then that.
He thought a lot, mostly about Sarah and about what he could have done to change things. And inevitably, he thought about Samantha's involvement in the tragedy.
Samantha. He hadn't thought about her since Sarah's fall. He'd been too busy, first watching over his daughter, then grieving for them both. But now that the funeral was over and his head was clear his thoughts turned to her.
She had pursued him doggedly, knowing he was committed to Sarah and not caring. She had taken advantage of the fact he and Sarah weren't sleeping together to tempt him. She had tempted him to distraction until he had been unable to think about anything but he and how badly he wanted to fuck her.
Daniel wasn't about to absolve himself of the blame. He knew it was a cop-out to say it had been all Samantha's fault ; she hadn't exactly raped him. But all the same, she had pursued him, tempted him after he'd told her he wasn't interested, after he'd told her he loved Sarah.
After their first tryst in the changerooms, she had told him he'd raped her, that it hadn't mattered that she'd wanted it, she'd said no, several times. By her own definition, she had raped him. Daniel wasn't sure if it worked like that – and he wasn't going to go around crying rape to see if it did – but he still felt used by her.
She had pursued him without any thought for who might get caught. Oh, he knew her well enough to know it had never been her intention that Sarah end up dead – she might even be feeling a twinge of remorse over it – but she wouldn't have felt bad about breaking Sarah's heart. In fact, Daniel was sure that, if that fateful day had merely let to Sarah breaking up with Daniel, Samantha would have considered herself very pleased with the outcome.
Samantha Carter could be very thoughtless when she wanted to be.
Samantha Carter could be a minx, a seductress, a siren when she wanted to be.
Samantha Carter was partially responsible for the dead of the woman he loved, a woman who had done nothing other then be foolish enough to accept Daniel's promises. And she was responsible because she was a thoughtless, selfish woman who truly believed that all was fair in love and war.
All was not fair. If we're using clichés, why not 'only the good die young'?
Samantha chose that moment to enter the infirmary. She'd been looking for Janet, having no idea that Daniel was still hanging out there. She stopped dead in her tracks, looking at her former lover in surprise. " Oh, " was the only thing she could think to say. It was the first time she had seen Daniel since Sarah's fall ; she hadn't attended the funeral on the advice of Janet and Hammond. Daniel looked terrible ; he looked like he hadn't eaten since (he probably hadn't, knowing how deeply distracted he could become), or shaved for that matter. Or stopped crying.
On seeing Samantha, Daniel's eyes turned ice cold. What the hell was she doing here? Daniel had no more right to the infirmary then Samantha did (apart from Janet's suggestion that she give him some space), it was a communal area, but since he'd come to be 'kept' in here, he'd started thinking of it as 'his' place. No-one bothered him here. It was almost a sanctuary – as much as a place could be a sanctuary when he was haunted by his guilt.
And now she had come traipsing in here like she had a right to be here, after what she had done!
Something in Daniel snapped. All his guilt, previously internalised, suddenly externalised itself into a furious rage. " WHORE! " he yelled, barrelling towards her.
Samantha stepped back, frightened by this side of Daniel she'd never seen before. He had a right to be angry, yes, but right now he looked – homicidal. " Daniel, " she said in the calmest voice she could manage, " calm down. Let's talk about this. " She wondered how long it would take security to get here. And Janet had said she was afraid for Daniel's well-being!
Daniel responded with a heavy slap to the face that sent Samantha reeling. Before she could right herself, he was on top of her, his strong hands around her throat. " She's dead because of you, " Daniel raged. " She's dead because you're a selfish tramp! "
Normally Samantha could kick Daniel's ass, but right now he had something over her – pure, unadulterated rage. She had slowly driven him crazy with desire over a month, and now it was all coming back to her. He wanted revenge for Sarah's death.
Samantha's struggled against Daniel's iron grip, gasping for breath. Daniel didn't notice or didn't care that if he held on for much longer he would kill her – maybe that was what he wanted, she thought. " Please… " she begged through raspy breath.
" Please? " he laughed humourlessly. " I asked you the same thing… I begged you to leave me alone. " His voice was breaking up now, and he was on the verge of tears. Samantha saw in his eyes the pain he was going through, and she was filled with regret – regret that she hadn't held onto him when she could, regret that she hadn't respected that he had moved on.
" I'm sorry, " she whispered. Despite her struggling, Daniel had a solid grip on her throat, and she could feel the edges of her vision fading to black…
It took two security guards to pull Daniel off Samantha, who gasped frantically for air when the pressure on her throat was released. " WHORE! " Daniel screamed at Samantha as Janet prepared a strong sedative for him, struggling against the hold the guards had him in, determined to inflict the same pain on Samantha that she'd inflicted on him with her thoughtless seduction. " BITCH! " He continued screaming names at her until the sedative took effect and he went limp in the arms of the security guard.
" Alright, get him back into bed, " Janet ordered tiredly. She had thought things were under control but clearly they weren't. " And make sure you restrain him. " She didn't want him waking up and going looking for Samantha to finish what he started.
Angrily, she turned to her friend. " What did I tell you about staying away from him? " she asked Samantha.
Samantha shrank at the vehemence in Janet's words. " I'm sorry, I didn't know he was down here. I came looking for you. " She glanced over at Daniel, who was out cold. " Is he – is he going to be OK? "
" He's going to be fine – physically at least. " Janet shook her head sadly. " I knew he'd blame you for some of it, I just didn't realise it would be this bad. I don't know what to do with him now. Clearly, you guys can't be in the same room as each other, and I don't want Daniel to leave the base while he's in this state of mind. "
" So does that mean – ? " Samantha started to ask. The obvious conclusion to her was that she would be the one to leave the base – and by extension, the program – and even for a short period of time, the thought horrified Samantha. She didn't know what else to do other then her work on the Stargate Program.
" No, I don't think that will be needed. For the time being, Daniel needs to be isolated. I'll have a room set up where he can't hurt himself – or anyone else. And I don't want you going anywhere near him, Sam. I mean it. Whenever your intentions might be, right now that's the worst possible thing for him. "
Janet's words stung Samantha. Not long ago, she and Daniel had been in love. Now Janet was saying it would be detrimental for Daniel to see her. " OK, " she agreed. " If you think it's for the best. "
" I do, " Janet said curtly. She ignored the crestfallen look on her friend's face. After all, Samantha had helped cause this sorry situation.
When Daniel woke up again, he found himself restrained in bed once more. His head felt groggy, and he remembered being given another sedative. Because he'd tried to kill Samantha.
At the memory of her, his thoughts turned sour. Samantha. Whore. Bitch. She was as responsible for Sarah's death as he was.
Monitoring his vital signs from another room, Janet was quickly by his side. " How are you feeling? " she asked pleasantly.
" Like crap, " he complained. " Whatever it is you're giving me, it's horrible. "
" If I could trust you not to go around killing people, I might take you off it, " Janet remarked wryly.
Daniel flinched at her gentle words. " I'm sorry, " he said. " I just saw her and I got so angry – "
" It's OK – well, it's not, you shouldn't have done it, but no harm was done. " And Samantha had learned a valuable lesson – there was a reason Janet had told her to stay away from Daniel.
" I want to press charges, " Daniel said suddenly.
Janet looked surprised. " You press charges? " she asked. " You're the one who tried to kill her. "
Daniel shook his head. " Not about that. I mean… sexual harassment charges. "
For a moment the room was completely silent as Janet's mind processed what Daniel was talking about. " She pursued me, Janet, " Daniel explained tiredly. " She wouldn't accept that I had moved on – she wanted to break Sarah and I up. She knew – she knew we weren't sleeping together and she knew – I was having a hard time dealing with that – " at this confession, he turned his head away, blushing. " She was always there, she did something to her uniform and she'd always be wearing these short skirts – and the day Sarah died – " Daniel gulped, feeling tears form in his eyes. " She teased me until I couldn't take it anymore. " Feeling embarrassed at having related what had happened to someone, Daniel turned away from Janet completely.
Suddenly a lot of things were clear to Janet. She'd been aware of the effect Samantha had had on all the men on the base – it had almost been as noticeable as when Hathor had been around – but she hadn't seen any reason for it and had decided it was Samantha's business. But it turned out she'd been altering her uniform, wearing sexy clothes when she was allowed civilian clothes and generally being sexually provocative, all for Daniel's benefit. And he had the entire male population of the base to bear witness to the fact. Not to mention all the women who resented the effect Samantha had had on the men,
Sexual harassment was something that usually applied to men harassing women, but in this case, it could easily apply to a woman harassing a man.
This would kill Samantha's career.
" If that's what you want, " she said diplomatically. Mentally, her mind raced for ways to talk him out of it. The only workable solution was time – especially time away from Samantha. And a lot of therapy.
Samantha would have her own guilt to bear for the rest of her life. This had all been a horrible situation they'd gotten themselves into because of their pettiness, their jealousies, ending with a tragedy that would stay with them both forever. Neither of them needed a protracted court martial to further drag themselves through the mud. Janet resolved to talk Daniel out of it. But in the mean time, she'd humour him.
Life went on. Daniel started seeing a phycologist, and he began showing signs of life. At least, he didn't show any signs of wanting to die anymore, which was a good sign. After a few months, he started going on mission again, although he and Samantha never worked together. Even when they combined expertise was considered the best thing needed for a particular problem, they never worked together, Janet and Hammond deemed it to be for the best.
At first, Daniel was insistent that he wanted to press charges on Samantha for sexual harassment. Janet did her best to talk him out of it, but after a while, the idea drifted out of his head. He decided it was too much trouble, and the less he had to deal with her, the better.
He had been a fool if he'd thought they could ever be friends.
But he had vowed he would never let himself be reduced to one of those bitter exes who fought it out on every available arena – at work, in public, in private. He was no Justin Timberlake. He vowed he would be dignified about this, and by dignified, that meant treating Samantha was polite coolness – not red-hot rage, although not a day passed when he wanted to take her to task for what she done and call her every name under the sun. Bitch. Slut. Whore. Murderer.
He was sure Hammond was just love that.
No, he was going to be dignified about this. As his pain receded to a manageable level, he started going on missions again. Mercifully, Hammond arranged it so he and Samantha weren't hardly ever on the same planet. Daniel knew the General wanted them to patch things up, but that wasn't going to happen so this was the next best thing.
So they remained at a kind of impasse, professionally courteous to each other, so long as they only saw each other passing in the hallways every so often. Hammond did his best to make sure that at any given time, they weren't on the same planet. He wasn't happy to know two of his best people could barely be civil to each other, but he realised it could have been worse. Daniel could have insisted on pressing charges – that would have gone down well with the brass. Kinsey would have had a field day. Things seemed to be pretty stable now. Hammond just hoped they would stay that way.
Samantha never really got over Daniel's coldness towards her. She understood it, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. There were nights when, in the privacy of her quarters, she thought about how close they had once been, and the sorry state their relationship was in now, and her thoughts reduced her to tears.
What she wouldn't give to be able to take it all back. Sometimes, when she was feeling her most sorry for herself, she thought about all the things she'd do if she could do things over. But looking back and feeling sorry for yourself that things didn't turn out the way you wanted was for people who didn't have anything to look forward to. And she had plenty to look forward to.
Or at least, the known universe – and much of the unknown universe, too – depended on her to save it from the Replicators and The Goa'uld. It wasn't exactly the same thing but it worked for Samantha.
She never thought about the fact she had a nonexistent lovelife, even by the standards of the Stargate Command. It was difficult to have a life outside of work when you worked on a cutting-edge, top-secret government project, but it could be done – everyone else on the base proved that.
Everyone but Samantha. Samantha had Jack and Teal'c. She didn't need anyone else. She didn't want anyone else. So she told herself.
She would never admit to herself that the only person she really wanted was Daniel. That ship had sailed.
Besides, she had a feeling one of the many protective females on the base would die before they let her have another shot at him. Sentiment against Samantha was high at the base, particularly among the women. They had all chafed too long under the reputation of the 'brilliant Major Carter' not to take up the cause when a bit of dirt came along. And they were all too fond of the sensitive, hunky Doctor Jackson not to take his side in the cold war that was simmering between the two. Never mind that Daniel wasn't completely free of blame, the women wasted no time in laying it all at Samantha's door.
Samantha pretended not to care. In truth, it hurt, although not nearly as much as Daniel's coolness towards her. And at least Janet was standing by her – it was times like these you discovered who you real friends were. But there had been so many times when she had overheard two women discussing her when they thought she couldn't hear – or maybe they knew she could, and just didn't care. She's such a slut, the way she seduced him… didn't want him, but didn't want anyone else to have him… I heard she planned it that way, and that she wanted Sarah to die… wouldn't put it past her, she's got no heart… she's got plenty of heart for Doctor Jackson…that's not heart, that's hormones…slut!
People could be so cruel, especially women. Sometimes Samantha wondered if that was why she'd chosen to pursue a career in such a male-dominated arena. Although the way feminism was going, it hadn't achieved the absence of women in her life that she would have liked.
She refused to let the comments of jealous, small-minded women (pity a military clearance couldn't pick up such personality flaws as that – maybe, being such a male-dominated institution, they hadn't thought to include personality flaws that were dominant among women) get the better of her, although sometimes they got her down. But she never showed that they got her down. No, that would be letting them win. And she refused to let them win. She was Major Samantha Carter, Airforce, she was one of the best at what she did. She was much better then those mean-spirited bitches who tried to bring her down. She consoled herself with the fact that, as SG-1 was considered the Stargate Command's number-one unit, when they were writing the history books, it would be her name they remembered, not theirs.
So she kept her head high and ignored the barbs that flew at her every day. It helped that Hammond sent her offworld a lot, with Jack and Teal'c for company. They didn't judge her, Teal'c especially. He had seen too many different civilisations to judge anything anymore, and she loved him for it.
So life went on, and the days disappeared into weeks, and months, and before they knew it, almost a year had passed. Anubis and the Replicators between them were becoming a more and more imminent threat to Earth. Even with the help of the Tok'ra and the Jaffa, it was a losing battle.
And then one day Daniel was captured by Samantha's Replicator double, assumedly because she wanted the Ancient information that was buried in his mind somewhere.
When Samantha had first heard of that, her first thought had been Good luck. They had tried every trick they could think of to extract that information from Daniel and had come to the conclusion that it was a lost cause. Oma had locked it up good.
And then it dawned on her that RepliCarter (how some people on the base had gotten a good laugh about how, when the Replicators were building a soulless killing machine, they had chosen to copy it from Samantha) had much more thorough ways of extracting information then they did.
Ways that didn't have to worry about such niceties as keeping Daniel alive.
Terror gripped at Samantha's heart. She and Daniel hadn't been on speaking terms for over a year, but she still cared for him deeply. And she had kind of let RepliCarter to Daniel.
Jack knew what she was thinking, and tried to tell he it wasn't her fault. He wasn't very successful at convincing her of that.
" She knows he may hold key Ancient knowledge because of me. She's out there because of me. I basically gave her the means to counter the only effective weapon we have against her, " Samantha pointed out.
" Would you feel this guilty if it were anyone but Daniel? " Jack asked pointedly, with one of his occasional flashes of insight.
Samantha squirmed. " Yes, " she said, clearly lying. " I can't help but think what she must be doing to do… what she'd be prepared to do to get that information… and what she'd do after she got it. "
Jack held up his hand in a stop motion. " Quit beating yourself up, Carter, " he said with characteristic gruffness. " And quit thinking of the worst possible situation. Daniel's going to be fine. He's always gotten himself out of tight situations before. Remember that time he almost on Apophis's ship, and dragged himself to the sarcophagus and gated home in the nick of time? " Samantha nodded. " You know he always does crap like that. I think he likes tempting fate. He'll be fine. "
Yeah, but what if he's tempted fate one time too many? Samantha asked herself, her heart full of fear – and regret.
As it happened, she didn't have much time to think about Daniel, which was a relief, because there was nothing she could have done to help him. Help came from an unexpected corner in the form of Baal who, for all the pretensions to God-hood, had decided that the Replicators were too much for him to handle alone, and he came to SG-1 with a plan to wipe them out once and for all. Samantha wasn't too happy at having to work with Baal – after all, this was a being who'd made a sport out of torturing, killing and reviving Jack – but at the moment they were all out of options. Is the friend of my enemy my friend or my enemy? she asked herself wryly.
Although even with Baal's help, it didn't look like they were going to pull of their plan. They found an Ancient weapon that could destroy all life, reducing it to a molecular level and disintegrating it, and Samantha thought she could modify it to only destroy Replicators, but she needed time, and that was something that was fast running out for them. Whenever Daniel was, they would probably soon be joining him in the afterlife – if there was one.
On earth, Jack and the rest of the Stargate Command were having troubles of their own, being overrun by Replicators. They could shoot at them, but that only slowed them down. It looked like they'd finally run out of luck.
And then something completely unexplainable happened.
The Replicators just stopped. Dropped dead, like a series of computers wired up to a mainframe that was suddenly switched off.
Something was disrupting RepliCater's game plan.
Neither Samantha and Jacob offworld or Jack on Earth had time to think about it, although they were eternally grateful for the break. It bought Samantha precious moments to get the device to work and destroy all the Replicators.
Later, when Samantha was back on earth, she talked about the strange phenomenon with Jack. " Carter, did you notice if the Replicators where you were happened to ... stop in the middle of everything? " Jack asked her.
" Yeah, it was really strange. They just ... "
" Froze, " Jack and Samantha said simultaneously.
" It actually bought us the time we needed to calibrate the weapon, " Samantha admitted. Without that, they probably wouldn't be here now.
" Any idea why that happened? " Jack asked.
" D'you think Daniel had something to do with it? "
" I don't know, " Jack said, shrugging.
Sir, if he was on board that Replicator ship when ... " Samantha began tentatively.
" Carter -- we don't know anything, " Jack interrupted gruffly, not wanting to go down this road with Samantha again. " Let's just…see what happens. "
" Yes, sir, " Samantha agreed in a small voice, but that didn't stop her from thinking about it.
If Daniel were still alive, he'd be here, she knew it. If not for her sake, then he'd want to be celebrating the destruction of the Replicators with the rest of the Stargate Command. He couldn't be on Abydos, that planet had been wiped out and the population ascended. There was nowhere else he would be.
With dread in her heart, Samantha faced the strong possibility that he was dead, that RepliCarter had killed him.
It was one more thing for her to feel guilty over. Jack had told her it wasn't her fault, but she felt it was. RepliCarter was herself, after a fashion, and she knew of Daniel's existence and the Ancient knowledge locked in his brain because of her. She had led RepliCarter to her.
And now she had killed him.
Retreating to her quarters, Samantha curled up on her bed to think about what had happened. Jack was right – this wasn't the first time Daniel had died. But somehow this time it wasn't like the other times.
This time there was more left unsaid then ever. This time she was sorrier then she ever had been.
" Oh, Daniel, " she cried out through the tears she could no longer contain. " I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. "