Jack said Daniel was coming back, was sure of it, and Samantha tried to share his confidence. " How many times have you thought he was gone, and then he shows up -- in one form or another. I'm sorry, but we're not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead. " Jack turned his head and calls out to the room. " You hear that! I'm not buyin' it! What? " he asked, looking at Samantha's dubious expression on her face. " He's just waitin' for us to say a bunch of nice things about him. Next thing you know, he'll come waltzing' through that door, like, right now. Waltzing ... now. "
Nothing happened.
While Jack continued to prophesise that Daniel would could walking through the door anytime now (Samantha restrained from pointing out that the last time he'd descended, they'd found him naked on a foreign planet, he hadn't just walked through the door) Samantha spent all her free timed holed up in her quarters, not even pretending to work. She couldn't work. She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't think about anything but Daniel.
Most likely, he was dead because of her. Add that to the list of rotten things she'd done to him. No-one was going to console her over that.
With Daniel gone, she had a lot of time to think. Or, rather, she found time to think, much to the chagrin of Hammond, who wanted her back in action in the fight against Anubis. But Samantha's mind, like her heart, lay elsewhere.
With Daniel, wherever he might be.
She reflected a lot, about how she had treated him over Sarah, how she had handled herself – with very little dignity. For years, she had kept Daniel dangling on a string, always hoping for a kiss, a caress, always rebuffing him when he took matters into his own hands, always gently enough that he didn't leave, discouraged. She had always wanted Daniel by her side, just not in her bed.
And when he'd first moved on with Sarah after they'd rescued her from Osiris, she'd been livid, like he'd cheated on her or something. Ha, to cheat on a person you had to be in a relationship and Samantha had made it clear she didn't want a relationship, just a lapdog.
That had been her first mistake.
Daniel had been in the wrong, taking her in the changerooms the way he had. But with newfound clarity, she saw that she hadn't left with much of a choice. She had baited, teased and tempted him until he couldn't stand it anymore. He was, after all, only a man.
However he had gone about it, he would never have raped her. It wasn't what he had wanted. He had wanted her to want him. He had wanted her to love him – as much as he had loved her.
And she had thrown in back in his face by telling him he'd raped her. Samantha doubted if he had ever really gotten over that. To think himself capable of rape must have been a bitter pill for Daniel to swallow.
Oh, Daniel, I'm so sorry. If I could speak to you know I'd tell you it wasn't your fault. You were only trying to make me see what a fool I was.
And then Sarah's pregnancy. She hadn't had the security within Daniel's love to accept it as one of those things that happened. She couldn't believe she had ever asked him to stop seeing her. Oh, if only she could do it over. She would be so much more supportive of Daniel, she would be part of the baby's life.
If she could have, she would give Daniel a baby of their own.
She realised now, too late, that she wanted to be a mother – she wanted a child with Daniel. But the realisation had come too late on so many levels…
And then he'd moved on with Sarah and she couldn't accept that. She had disregarded Sarah's feelings with as much thought as she might step on a bug. She had only been thinking of herself. She hadn't even been thinking of Daniel.
She had been a selfish, insensitive bitch.
She knew what had happened to Sarah had been a tragic accident. She knew she wasn't to blame for that, and the guilt she felt for it was gradually receding, although it would never disappear altogether. No, the guilt she felt was because at the time she'd felt no remorse in stealing another woman's man.
And what did she have to show for it? The woman was dead, the man hadn't spoken to her in a year, and her personal reputation was in shatters. Samantha would just about say she'd gotten what she'd deserved.
Daniel, I'm so sorry. I was thinking only of myself and I guess I deserve everything I've got – namely, nothing but heartache. I'm sorry for so many things. I'm sorry about us, I'm sorry about Sarah, I'm sorry about RepliCarter. I wish there was a way for me to take it back.
Oh, what she'd give to take it back. Hell, what she'd give just to have Daniel by her side once more. She'd apologise, she'd beg for forgiveness, she'd respect any boundaries he wished to put up. He deserved so much more then her and the way she'd treated him, but if he were here right now, she'd give it her best to make it up to him.
But that opportunity was past, and it was a bitter pill for Samantha to swallow that by the time clarity had finally come to her, by the time she was in a place where she could have been happy and secure in a relationship with Daniel, it was too late.
Being ascended gave you a lot of time to think, beyond duking it out with Anubis. And no matter what he might think about, Daniel's thoughts always came back to Samantha.
Samantha Carter, a blessing and a curse. He had pursed her for years only to be rebuffed every time. And when he'd hooked up with Sarah, she'd lost it, like she had any claim to him.
She did have a claim to you, Daniel told himself, and it was impossible to ignore that inner voice of truth. You belonged to her, heart and soul. Otherwise you would have stopped pursuing her after she first turned you down.
That was true enough, he couldn't lie to himself. That was the thing about being ascended, the quiet voice of truth buried deep inside you subconscious was a lot louder, a lot more conscious. Impossible to ignore. He had never loved a woman as deeply, as passionately as Samantha, and she must have known it on some level. Even when he was with someone else, he still belonged heart and soul to Samantha.
Oh, he had loved Sarah. She had been his friend, his lover, the mother of his children, his companion, his fellow archaeologist. He knew he would have been very happy being married to her.
But there would have been a small part of him – that voice of truth – that would always have wondered what it would be like to be with Samantha. He would always have belonged to Samantha, body and soul, like she would always have belonged to him, body and soul.
Samantha and Daniel were just one of those couples who, even when they weren't together, were still together. And they'd been fools to think otherwise.
She had behaved badly over the Sarah thing, but he supposed he could understand that. She must have felt so left-out, so insecure. Sarah's pregnancy would have brought out all her feelings towards being a mother, all her insecurities that Sarah had provided for Daniel something she couldn't. He should have been more attentive, more reassuring. He could have done a lot of things to make it easier for her to deal with.
He should have been more honest about his feelings for Sarah. It had been so easy to accept Sarah as a replacement for Samantha, especially considering he had genuine feelings for Sarah – feelings he might describe as the love of his life if he hadn't experience something far more powerful with Samantha.
No, he shouldn't have gotten involved with Sarah to the degree he had. No wonder she had come to see him that fateful day. She had been suspicious of him, and she'd had good reason to be. She must have known that his heart was wholly there. He had only ever been with her when he couldn't have Samantha, and as sincerely as he told her he loved her, she must have known otherwise.
If he had truly loved her, if Samantha truly hadn't meant anything to him, he would have been able to remain faithful to her. He had remained faithful to Sha're for two and a half years, Hathor notwithstanding, a few months should have been a walk in the park. And it would have been, if he'd been truly committed to Sarah. And as easy as it had been to blame Samantha for cheating, it wasn't her fault. It had been his.
Sarah, I'm sorry, he told her, and he found it made him feel much better. I should never have treated you the way I did. I only hope you're somewhere much better right now. For some reason he couldn't explain, he thought she was. He knew Sarah wouldn't blame him for the way he'd behaved. He knew she was better then that.
Somehow, he knew he was better then that. He remembered Oma saying something like the measure of his character was not in his failures, but his attempts in the first place. What had happened with Sarah was a tragic accident, one set into motion by his own selfishness and inability to face up to his true feelings, but it was an accident nonetheless, and he found himself now able to forgive himself.
It was funny how easy clarity came when you were ascended. Or maybe that was just something you learned after dying a dozen times. Either way, Daniel saw now with great clarity the depth of the problems he'd had with Samantha – and how he could fix them. If he could be with her right now, he could forgive her for all the things she'd done over the course of their sorry relationship – like he was now able to forgive himself.
Daniel decided that being ascended was not for him, at least not at this point in his life. He and Oma didn't exactly see eye-to-eye on things… most things. Come to think of it, he didn't see eye to eye on most things to do with the Ancients. Like their complete disregard for the havoc Anubis was wreaking. Maybe it was something that came with being ascended for years and years, but Daniel couldn't do it. He chafed under the restrictions of being ascended. What was the good in having all this power if you couldn't use it?
He was far too human to be happy being ascended, and for some reason, that brought him comfort. Being human may mean being flawed, but it also meant living. What these people – these things did was not living.
And he wanted to live.
So he got Oma to engage Anubis in mortal combat and then saw fit to hightail in out of there. At least this time Oma (maybe it was someone else who descended him this time, seeing's Oma was otherwise occupied) had allowed him to keep his memory.
He smiled as he returned, happy to be going back.
He and Samantha had some unfinished business.