A/n : Yes I know I've just killed of everything. For the past year I've been experiencing horrible writers block. I think it was a result of not doing homework and thinking. Hopefully my brain has solidified itself again and I can finally get some good shit out here. This is really OoC but who cares. It's meant to be funny and warped. And yea Voldy has a body and what-not.

-parseltounge-

Thoughts

"Regular Dialogue"

"Aww. You're going to be exactly like your daddy. You're going to be an evil little baby and you're going to have power and you're going to take over the world." He cooed the baby and held it tenderly in his arms. "Yes you are. Yes you are." Voldemort drifted in his own world. He could just see it. Together side by side, Father and daughter, taking over the world one step at a time. They would bond while Crucioing Lucius. Voldemort grinned could see her radiant smile as she made him wither in pain. The baby was peacefully sleeping in her father's arms, unknown to the fact that she was going to lead a quite different life as one would put in polite words.

"M-m-master what should we do with the c-child's mother's b-body?"

"Cremate it and put the ashes in some kind of urn."

"Y-y-yes m-master." The blubbering fool bowed and stumbled away.

"Idiot." Voldemort scoffed and went back to talking to his kid.

Baby Years

Wails filled the empty halls ways of Slytherin Manor. The wails of a baby and adults

"WHY WON'T THE BLOODY BABY SHUT UP!" Lucius screwed his eyes shut and shoved his fingers in his ears.

"I THOUGHT YOU HAD A KID. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY AMOUNT OF EXPERIENCE!" Nott shouted.

"WE HAVE A NANNY!"

"MAYBE WE SHOULD CHANGE HER DIAPER."

"WHAT!"

"I SAID MAYBE WE SHOULD CHANGE HER DIAPER. I THINK KIDS CRY WHEN THEY GET BACKLOGGED WITH SHIT."

"OKAY YOU DO IT SINCE YOU CAME UP WITH THE IDEA!"

"NO YOU DO IT!"

"YOU!"

"FINE! HOW ABOUT THIS WE'LL DO IT TOGETHER BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND THIS CRYING ANYMORE. I'M GOING TO CRY IF THIS CONTINUES."

"OKAY! ONE! TWO! THREE!"

They carefully opened the diaper.

"BLOODY MERLIN!"

"HO-O...SHIT THAT SMELLS."

"WHY DID YOU VOLUNTEER US IN FIRST PLACE NOTT!"

"I WANTED TO GET ON HIS GOOD SIDE!"

"NO NEED TO DRAG ME INTO IT. IF I DON'T BREAK DOWN CRYING FROM THIS NOISE OR PASS OUT FROM THE STENCH OF BABY SHIT I'M GOING TO HEX YOU INTO NEXT CENTURY!"

(A/n: Wow I actually feel bad for Lucius. Originally this was supposed to be Voldy but then I realized he probably would have gotten his death eaters to tend to the more difficult parts of taking care of a baby)

Childhood

"Okay Circe today I'm going to teach you the Unforgivable spells." Voldemort quickly strode across the room and propped a plant four feet away from his daughter and himself.

"Okay I'm not even sure if I can say Un-unforgiable."

"Don't worry my dear child. Okay I'm going to teach you the Killing curse." Then He put his wand on the coffee table. "Now with MALICE! HATRED! SCREAM AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"abracadabra...?"

"NO AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"ABRACADABRA!

"NO! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"ABRACADABRA!"

"Clearly this isn't working." He dropped to his knees and held his daughters hands. "Say Avada."

"Avada"

"Okay good. This is good. Now say Ke-dav-ra"

"Ke-dav-ra"

"Let's put that together now. Kedavra."

"Kedvara"

"Now say Ava-da Ke-dav-ra"

" Ava-da Ke-dav-ra."

"Okay put it all thogether. Avada Kedavra."

"Avada Kedavra."

"GOOD!" He sighed and smiled and his child. Then dusting him self off he grabbed his wand. "Now with MALICE! HATRED! AVADA KEDAVRA!" A blast of green light shot out from his wand, the plant withered and just flopped over to the side. "Okay that wasn't supposed to happen." He said when Circe screamed and hid behind his robes.

He dragged her out from behind his robes. "It's okay Circe. It's okay. Now take your wand. Hold it firmly in your hand and with malice and hate scream Avada Kedavra. Be sure to aim it at the plant."

"Okay, daddy! AVADA KEDAVRA!" Another green light blasted out of her wand. Another dead plant.

Maniacal laugher emitted from the dark lord. "You did! You're POWERFUL! We're going to take over the world. La la la la!" Voldemort sang and danced with his child. He scooped her up and propped her up on his shoulders. "We're going to take over the world! We'll rule the world!" Another wave of laugher came over Voldemort.

"Daddy you're weird." Circe laughed and pulled at his hair

He didn't seem to hear the comment and continued with his song and dance.

Hogwarts Years

"Lucius I want you to accompany Circe to Kings Cross-"

"But sir the little brat-I mean angel would probably like her father to see her to the train."

"Crucio!"

Instantaneously he dropped to the ground shrieking and shuddering with pain.

"My Lord I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry!"

"Never call her that. And never ever interrupt me. Do you understand?" he hissed in a dangerously calm tone.

"Never again. My lord."

"As I was saying. I want you to accompany Circe to Kings Cross if I cannot find someway to make. After all aren't you going to see you're son off for his first year?"

"Yes My Lord."

"Circe get your lazy arse down here you're going to be late for your mission––I mean your first day of school!"

"Coming daddy!" she rolled out of bed, quickly buttoned her robe and hopped down the stairs while putting her left sock on. "Whoa. Are you actually making waffles! Whoa this is so twisted. The Dark Lord Voldemort is wearing a 'Kiss The Cook' apron in Voldy form Okay this is really scary. Put the spatula down and slowly back away from the stove."

"What a dark and evil father who wants to take over the world can't cook breakfast for his daughter?"

"Yea...But really don't have to do it on Voldy form. I mean it's kinda scary to see a snake man making waffles while wearing a 'Kiss The Cook' apron. Oi. Wait there. I'll be back down I forgot something." she rushed upstairs "There you are." she grabbed her camera and ran back downstairs.

"Smile fore the camera Daddy!" Voldemort had a look of absolute horror on his face. "Yay! Now I have something to blackmail you with."

"Oh ho. No you're not. Give it here or you're going to regret it."

"No." she promptly answered. "I need a picture of daddy while I'm off at Hogwarts."

"Well at least I can sleep easy knowing that I've raised a evil little imp."

"So that's what your calling your only offspring? An imp. For a megalomaniac you don't do insults very well"

"So would you prefer it if I called you a Goblin?"

"Imp is good."

"Now eat before food gets cold."

"Wow this is actually good. Have you ever thought of giving up taking over the world so you can have a radio talk show like Martha Wizard?"

He shuddered at the thought. "I'm not that out of my mind, luv. Besides I wouldn't fancy be locked up in Azkaban for 2 years for embezzlement. No matter how dark dementors are, they're just so messed up. Besides I like to be the one that sucks up all of that happiness out of people."

"Well sadly I can't listen to you rambling on about world domination. I must go and check that I didn't forget anything. It's be odd for me to get mail from the Dark Lord residing in Syltherin Manor would it?" She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and smirked, then proceeded to head upstairs

A/n: Well that's the first chapter. How is it?

Yea I fixed the typo thing with the Avada Kedavraand I changed the whole time lapse wording. Sorry for the typos. XX

Review please? thx .