Title: What Honorable Men Do

Author: coffeeplease

Rating: YTEEN (references to "sleeping with", one swear word)

Category: AU, little angsty, little sappy

Spoiler Info: Everything up to Holy Night, and then it veers into AU

Disclaimer: WB, NBC, John Wells, Aaron Sorkin... owners. I just lease and try not to stain the carpet. Lawsuits don't look good on me.

E-mail address for feedback: permission: Sure, just tell me first

Notes: Thank you, everyone, who has giving me feedback or who has just read these puppies and enjoyed them. This one's the same AU as I Am Not Hester Prynne, etc... Jack's POV. (Just as Christian Slater is in the news again!)

This is what honorable men do. If another man asks them if they are "getting in between anything" by asking a girl out, they reply with honesty. They reply "yes" if that is the answer. They don't attempt to play Yenta in the first place. Honorable men do not say "no", only to change their answer to "yes" a few years later. A few years and wedding anniversaries later, I should say.

To be fair, it was the last time Josh Lyman lied about Donna Moss Reece, now Lyman, to me. Later, he just wouldn't answer the question. As if the answer wasn't staring me in the face; a toothbrush in the holder that wasn't mine, a necklace I knew I hadn't bought her and my son calling another man "Daddy."

What could hurt worse than that and the worst part is that you can't blame the little boy. He's just stating the truth, his truth. One of the things I've tried to teach my son, in the brief moments I've had with him, is honesty. Be honest, most of all to yourself. If I had been honest with myself, I would probably not have asked Donna Moss out to begin with.

If she had been honest with me, she wouldn't have accepted my invitation. If Josh had been honest with himself, he would have told me there was a problem. He wouldn't have filled my ears with stories of Ille Nastase, painting the picture of a slightly demented, very sweet ditz, the one who mistakenly voted for the wrong Presidential candidate, even though she worked for Bartlet.

That girl may have been around, but she didn't end up being the woman I married.

Motherhood changed her. And I should have been there, I know, just as I know that C.J. Cregg was nowhere near the goddamn delivery room. You can't laugh in the President's face, even when he tells you a blatant lie. He is the Commander-In-Chief; I wish he had had more honor than that.

Donna knew the navy was one of those careers; in a way, it was much like her own. Filled with long hours, sacrifice and not much control over your destiny. But it was clear that her expectations were higher than I was able to deliver. I missed the pregnancy, I missed the birth, I missed the preschool interviews, I missed walks to the playground. I missed everything and if she thinks I don't kick myself for it, than she thinks nothing of me.

I will never be able to forgive Josh Lyman and I don't think I should be expected to. I won't be able to forgive Donna, either, but her actions are more understandable to me. I couldn't be there and she needed to replace me, like replacing a faulty screw in a machine. The boy needed a male figure, or at least a second parental figure, around. She wanted someone in her life who would be there. It begs the question why she even bothered to marry me.

We weren't in love, but it was one of those things. We were on the precipice; if I had stayed on shore, we would have fallen in love. It was rushed into and all her colleagues were against the marriage, either blatantly (Toby Ziegler), subtly (Leo McGarry) or drunkenly (Josh Lyman.) She seemed determined to make it work, as was I. And that seemed like enough of a starting point.

I think I did fall in love. She was... is... a great lady. Even with my bitterness, I can still say she is far more interesting than the girl who dropped her underwear at the art gallery. It amazed me how well read she was. I was astonished to learn she spoke French. She swore like a sailor when she stubbed her toe and I should know what that sounds like. She could hold her alcohol like an Irishman and made fiery Italian love in bed.

That information was not part of the sales pitch Josh gave me. Omission by choice or omission by ignorance, I'll probably never know. Various people who worked in the White House have told me that Josh was always trying to sabotage Donna's relationships. I never thought he would sink so low as to sabotage her marriage.

The eyes of the White House held one emotion for me: pity. High ranking government officials, the Press Secretary, the Communications Director, the Chief of Staff, the President... all feeling ever so sorry for me, all feeling protective of the adulterous couple in their midst. No indignation, no shame, no disgust, no worries about the press or the public, just a happy smiling family for the camera, the husband relegated to standing on one side.

I could have ruined Josh Lyman, but I won't match one dishonor with another. I still figured I could get my wife back. One day, I went to see C.J. Cregg. Why I thought she would help, I don't know. Josh Lyman's brothers and sister-in-arms always had his back.

"It doesn't look good for the White House."

"Jack, that's my problem to deal with." To be fair, she said this in a very compassionate voice, filled to the brim with pity.

"He's sleeping with his assistant, who happens to also be my wife."

Everyone, Josh and Donna included, refused to confirm or deny that. The Press Secretary, she was honest.

"Yes, yes, he is. But Jack... "

"Why aren't you upset over this?"

"I'm not her husband, Jack. And, you know, I mean..." She was struggling with words. "Okay, there have been times when he's said that he'd resign. If it ever came out, he'd just resign. He has said, repeatedly, that Donna, and his... your... son are more important to him than his career."

"And they aren't more important to me than mine?" I said, angry at her for the jab.

She grimaced. "I don't know, are they?"

"A military career means certain sacrifices..."

Her pity seemed to just melt away as she interrupted me. "And a career in the White House doesn't?"

"Doesn't seem like Josh and Donna are sacrificing much of anything at the moment. They get to work in the White House, as boss and assistant, go home after a long day's work and make love in my bed. While I am missing vital years of my son's life and serving my country."

She blanched. They could protect all they want. They still had no excuses. "You're entitled, Jack. You're entitled to be angry. You're entitled to be bitter. You're entitled to even go to the press if you want to give me a coronary. But you know what its like when you serve your country with someone for a long period of time. When people are firing bullets at you, when you're working twenty-hour days, when it seems like you're under siege all the time. You protect your comrades. And when they find happiness and a love, and Jack I know you don't want to hear this, but a love like I've never seen, not even read about in books... when they find that, you want to protect it for them, too."

The most recent time I saw the two of them was at our son's little league game. We sat on opposite ends of the bleachers, me in my uniform soon to return to base. They had been married for awhile at that point, long enough to have their own child, bouncing on his father's knee.

My son had told me about him, his baby brother. The baby cried all night, barfed all the time and my son had had no takers when he offered to sell the child for ten dollars. I laughed but told him that he had to be good to his little half-brother, take care of him. He scrunched up his face and asked why.

"That's what honorable little boys do."

My son can catch a baseball all day long, but he strikes out every single time. I've never taught him how to do either of those things. Josh did. He's obsessed with the Mets; Josh again. He runs to Josh with every scrapped knee and comes to him with the questions he has. Josh takes him to the doctor, signs his report cards, punishes him when he's done wrong, hugs him when he's had a bad dream and tucks him back in, telling him that he loves him. And he does. Josh Lyman loves my son as if he were his own.

I can hate the man for many things, many wrongs he committed. He shouldn't have been sleeping with his assistant, let alone another man's wife. But, if I am truly honest, he should not be faulted for the things he has done for my son. He took care of him when I couldn't. I can't deny it. But it hurts to see that my son has more Mets trading cards than G.I. Joes. I can't deny that, either.

He could have been a father to my son without having been a husband to my wife. It may have felt right to them, but it was still wrong. The military has a code, a code of honor. Loyalty, duty, friendship... all important. But you must have honor. There's a difference between right and wrong. It is distinct and unimpeachable. Josh and Donna were wrong, very wrong and yet this wrong goes unpunished. A new marriage, a new baby, a new life for Donna Moss Reece Lyman.

I tried to fix it. That's what you do when something breaks, you fix it. But if I am honest with myself, I will admit it. Even though it kills me, I will admit that if true love exists, it exists nowhere stronger than in those two. It did when I asked him if I was getting in between anything.

An honorable man would've told the truth.