The Devidramon Monologue
K. Jarvis, "Sikoro"
Digimon Adventure © Toei Animation; Bandai
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Machine City, southern Digital World.
It's a pretty shady joint filled to the brim with just-as-shady characters, who are all smokin' till their lungs implode and drinkin' till their pansy digital livers seethe with hate and addiction. In essence, this is the calamity of the world's population, the malady, the terror drivers, the pets of the darling Digimon Kaiser. This is a place one could release their inner toils and spill them in the most foul manner possible.
This is Devidramon's haven, bitch. You've been warned.
Being the Kaiser's slave is a hard-as-fuck job, is it not? Let me see a raise of hands. Yeah, that's it. I know you all know what the hell I'm talking about -- the Kaiser is one mean bitch, is he not? What with all the whipping and screaming and poisoning, you'd think he done gone died and became the D-Reaper itself. My name's Devidramon and I am a Kaiser addict. I am his loyal fucking chauffer named Joseph, but if any of you call me that, I'm going to rip out your intestines and asphyxiate you with 'em. That's right. I hate my name. I. Hate. My. Name. You now know the punishment if you call me by my name.
Devidramon sits back on his hind legs and twitches his nose.
Anyway, since I just found out this place has an Open Mic night, I'm going to come by every damn Friday possible, suck down all the bloody Coronas I can manage, and come up here and rant to you about every damn thing that plagues my life. But, first of all, you should know what makes my fancy tingle.
I like films -- more specifically, British comedy, American drama, Japanese horror. I also like alcohol, long walks on the fiery surface of volcanoes, cigarettes, pornography, freesias, lilacs, roses, bubble baths, stuffed animals, pandas, tarot cards, whips, chains, leather, and video games. What I dislike is stupid little fucks who don't know when to stop. Yeah.
That's pretty much me in a nutcase. You poor saps.
You know, I was checkin' my e-mail today for random shit, you know, like newsletter updates and random, rather personal personal ads. Yeah, well, I received one that was in the following context:
Dear Devidramon,
Are you feeling a little empty in the swanky department of your genitalia? Are your balls whining that they're not getting enough coverage? What about your thighs screaming for a fat slab of meat to grind against them? What about your sassy lady? Is she sad your thing and her thing aren't making a connection? Try out PENOLARJ, our famous new penis enlargement medication which is going to grow your erection out by ten inches guaranteed!
Signed,
B. Too Biggs
Ten inches guaranteed? I need forty to be the biggest in the Digital World -- one hundred if I dare go against the likes of the Kaiser's -- He snorts. -- but really? What is the point of penis enlargement pills/methods in the Digital World? Once the damn defragmentation occurs, your dick'll be the same size it was five years ago -- you know, the last time they managed to mass-configure the place. Fuckers. I'm not wasting my money on that bullshit, especially if you don't make it long-lasting and permanent. For all I know, it just makes the fucking penis swell up ten sizes -- uh, ten inches -- and... wait...
Do Digimon even have a gender?
He looks down.
An abrupt cough ensues before he looks back up, obviously disturbed with this newfound realization. Drawing a cigarette out from the recesses of his mouth, he flicks the tip on a candle flame not too far from the microphone and sighs.
Bull. Shit. I'm a man. I'm a man!
He pulls the corona beside him and sips it slowly, staring at the crowd with glazed eyes and a cocky-as-all-hell smirk. Yeah, he thought incomprehensibly to himself, licking his lips. I'm gonna --- gonna...
You're all a bunch of cockfucking whoresssss! I'm gonna scre--- DON'TCHU TOUCH ME THERE, ASSHOLEEERRR!
Without further notice, security sweeps the stage and seizes the Digimon, clipping his wings and whipping his ass while they drag him outside to rot in the dead night air of Machine City.
Silence.