Disclaimer: No I Do Not Own CSI I Am Not Affiliated With CBS Etc...
Authors Note: Un-Beta'd Very Different to What I Usually Write and This Is Only My Second CSI Fan fiction EVER First To Be Published So Please Be Nice And Review! Flames Will Make My Marshmallows Yummier
I lay here on the sterile white sheets. I hear the hiss, the hum and the beeps of the machines that surround me. I hear but I do not listen.
I go to jail, I can't see or ask why me, to what end, to the man who did this to me. I go and see the next best, the illogical or logical reason for my imprisonment I can not decide. I tell her don't take it with her but I can tell she will. She'll blame everyone from God to the gardener, everyone but herself for being inside.
I still have nightmares. I have no one to comfort me when I wake up with sweat dripping from every pore. I remember precious little, but that is the worst. My imagination fills in the blanks as I sleep, my own imagination runs wilder than I ever thought possible. I don't sleep that much these days and when I do all I want to do is be awake, my eyelids get heavier with every step I take and I can't stop that no matter how much I want to.
I see a councillor, once a week now but that doesn't help at all. Even though I don't remember everything, I remember waking up in Plexiglass surrounded by dirt. I remember thinking no, knowing I was going to die in that place alone. I screamed and no one heard me. I held a gun that could have ended my torment. I seriously considered it I think I didn't end it all because I knew subconsciously there was something out of that place for me but who knows if I'm ever going to find because I sure as hell don't.
I can feel that they blame themselves but it is nobody's fault, yet they shoulder the guilt. I have reconciled with that fact at least, but it is never going to be the same around here and nothing I or anyone else does is going to change that.