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Set during the 4th book, the night of the Yule ball.

Stand My Ground

It was past midnight already and Severus Snape stood alone on a balcony half way up the Astronomy tower. Watching the snowflakes falling softly onto the already snow covered grounds, he was too lost in thought to even notice how cold it was.

Slowly but surely, he was beginning to realise that what he'd always feared most was going to happen very soon. Igor was right; it was happening already.

Of course he'd noticed it quite a while ago but he'd chosen to ignore it. Because he didn't want it to happen. He didn't want to be drawn into this again.

Severus had gotten used to his life here at Hogwarts over the years. He wanted to keep it this way. It was an easy life. Or rather, it had been; because now it would change.

It was all coming back now. His past and everything he'd thought he'd put behind him was coming back to haunt him. The Dark Mark on his arm had become clearer day by day, and with it the memories had become clearer as well.

He didn't want it all to happen again. It had been so many years; things had changed. Maybe even he had changed.

And he just wanted it to be over once and for all.

But he didn't have a choice; there was no escape. Igor could just run away, he had no obligations. Severus did. He knew what Dumbledore would expect from him. He couldn't turn his back and run.

And he couldn't deny it any longer; it was merely a matter of time now.

He'd have to tell Dumbledore. Tonight. He'd wasted too much time already, wishing it away, waiting and hoping that it wasn't true.

Instinctively, he seized his left forearm with his right hand. It had been so many years ago, it almost seemed like a different life to him. But he could feel it all around him now, getting stronger and drawing nearer, invading his world again.

And he'd have to face it.

He was worried. Fifteen years ago, he'd almost enjoyed playing hide and seek with the Dark Lord; fooling him, maybe even putting his own life at risk. Often times it hadn't been much more than a game to him. He'd never worried much about what he was doing, and it had always worked out; he'd been invincible. But he'd grown up a little since then, and he wasn't sure if he was still up to it.

And something else had changed: he had something to lose. Back then it had been different. He'd had nothing worth living for. Now, he had a life. And though it might not be a life one would dream about, it wasn't bad. At least it was good enough for him to not want to lose it.

But he'd known what he'd signed up for when he'd made his promise to the Headmaster, even though he'd hoped that the day would never come. Of course, he'd known that it was rather naïve to hope that the Dark Lord would be gone for good, but with every day that had passed, and every year that had gone by, he'd become more convinced that it might actually be possible.

Severus hated to admit it, but he was afraid of having to return to his master and he was afraid of finally being exposed as a spy. So often it had been so close; he'd simply been lucky. But luck had never been a very faithful friend to him.

If they found out about him, he'd die. Then nothing and nobody could help him.

But that was the risk he'd have to take. There were bigger things at stake here than just one man's meaningless little life.

He couldn't look away any longer, no matter how hard it was for him to accept the truth. He'd go to Dumbledore and tell him right now. He'd do what would be necessary.

He took a deep breath of the cold and fresh air and for just a few more peaceful minutes he remained standing there, watching the snowflakes. Then he turned away and went back into the castle to go searching for the Headmaster.

-end-