A/N: This chapter is rather depressing (well the whole story is, actually.) It was a bugger to write, and this is about the fourth attempt. I'm still not happy with it. It hasn't come out as I wanted it too, but it was the best of the bunch so to speak. Because of its length, I've added a snippet of the next chapter on the end...

Halloween … a day that'll stay in my memory for the rest of my life. It was on this day, seventeen years ago, that my life changed forever. It barely registered as being All Hallow's Eve at the time, but I distinctly remember the smell of early bonfires and the dry leaves at my feet, as I stumbled numbly down the street in Godric's Hollow. It felt like a dream, my movements were slow, and I could hear nothing but the blood pumping loudly in my ears. I could taste blood in the air, but it wasn't mine.

I had entered the Potter's home, before I had even realised it. It had seemed that my legs had taken my mind somewhere it had not wanted to go. Sudden noise pieced my eardrums; the hubbub of the Auror team. Had the streets really been that silent? Dumbledore was present, I remember that too. The elderly man wore a blank expression, but his eyes were filled with utmost sorrow. They reflected my own. I was led subconsciously from the nursery and to the spare room. Lily and James had always planned on having a large family. I wanted to stand but my legs insisted otherwise. Dumbledore lowered me into a seat by my elbow. A strange sight; the frail, old man aiding someone so much younger than himself. The room was dry, and I struggled to swallow. I kept my eyes low. Voluntary denial.

"Do you understand what has happened here tonight, Remus?" Dumbledore had asked quietly. His tone was gentle, almost paternal. I needed it, though I was no longer a student, no longer a boy. I wanted to scream. No, of course I didn't understand. So much had occurred in such a small amount of time. It hurt my brain to even begin to comprehend. However, I merely nodded. I knew all I needed to know…for the moment. Dumbledore copied my slow nod.

"And you've heard about Peter?" he asked regretfully. My head shot up, and our eyes met once more. No, I had not heard. Dumbledore hesitated and placed a hand on my arm.

"I'm so sorry, dear boy," was all he said. Now I screamed. Not words, as I remember…more a cry of devastation. I was suddenly thankful for being seated, or else I would have crumbled to the floor for sure.

"How?" I croaked a whisper, not really wanting to know but knowing I needed to.

"Sirius," came the simple response. And then my world officially ended. Dumbledore watched me closely as I sobbed in my chair, wishing I was alone and yet wishing I wasn't. It was a strange feeling…knowing that you're the last. It was beginning to get dark outside, and I was trembling from the draught from the window.

"Where is he?" I asked out of nowhere. Why, I do not know. I suppose a part of me wished he were dead along with them…a small part of me anyway. Dumbledore gave me a look, just a look, and it told me all I needed to know. Azkaban. As good as dead. It always amazed me how the Headmaster could communicate without words. He truly is a powerful man. He took my arm once more, and this time indicated for me to stand. I willed my legs to comply.

"Come now Remus, it is almost time." The man sounded apologetic, and he gazed out of the window into the early evening light of the rising full moon. Life really is cruel to me. I nodded weakly and headed on wobbly legs to the door.

"And Harry?" I suddenly remember. A mass of guilt hit me, it was almost physical. How had I not even thought of the boy until now? He had lost everyone, his parents, his guardian…his life? I hated myself for my selfishness.

"He's safe, Remus. He's with his Muggle family, they will protect him."

I found comfort in this as I left the room. Dumbledore watched me go from the upstairs window. I felt his eyes on me as I headed down the cottage path…such powerful eyes.

I will never forget that day. I wish I had been taken too. It's a strange feeling, to want to die. I almost hated my friends for leaving me, and not taking me with them. It felt asif it were something they had planned, and deliberately left me out of. That was just the lonely boy in me. Dumbledore had once said that death was the next adventure. It would be an adventure that the Marauders would be facing without me. And I was severely jealous.

And so…seventeen years later, I laugh bitterly at how my life has treated me. I'm still the same. Still lonely, still begging for acceptance. Still grieving my friends. Still fighting the war (the same one, but yet so different from the first.)

How can I ever believe that I will, one day, be free from this loneliness? It's too much to ask for, I should have realised this years ago and saved myself the heartache. But sometimes I can be fooled into believing that I can be happy. It's because I crave it, you see. Then again, it always seems so bitterly ironic, to a man who has lost so much, that I can always manage to lose that little bit more.

And once again, I curse and chide my heart for jolting in hope…as I hear a knock at the door.

Remus stood at the front door. He didn't realise that his mouth hung open until the bitter wind ached his teeth. He shut it quickly making his teeth click together.

"Hello Remus," she said. He blinked at her. Was he breathing? No! Breath Remus breath! "I guess you're a little surprised to see me," she added. Remus could only nod. "Uh…can I come in Remus, it's rather cold out."

Breaking out of his stupor, he nodded numbly and stepped aside to let her in…