Her Choice

You knew it was going to happen sometime soon. You've known that letter was coming ever since she summoned a bottle when she was fourteen months. I keep talking to myself as I drive around. I told Kathryn that, since we weren't leaving until tomorrow, I needed to run a few more errands. Instead, I drive to the park and sit on a bench beside the pond.

It has been eighteen years since I had any contact with my former life. I have tried my hardest to separate myself from everything I was then. I manage to go for days at a time without think of magic.

Magic. That is the first time in a long time that I have said the actual word to myself in years. All my old possessions, except my wand, are in a storage unit that my family knows nothing about. To my shame, I still use my wand sometimes, to renew my disguise and to help my patients when there is no other recourse. And of course, to answer particular unwanted mail.

I'm avoiding the subject. Courtney. I have to deal with this. Michael will be getting a letter when he turns eleven too. I've known that ever since he apparated from his crib into my lap when he was ten months.

I'm still avoiding the subject, aren't I?

I can't tell them. I don't want them to know. I don't want to deal with all telling them entails. But do I want my daughter in that world, with them? The ones who were once my friends. I don't like the idea.

No, she won't be going to Hogwarts. I stand and walk resolutely to my car, but slow as I reach for the door handle.

How can I make that decision for her? What right do I have to deny her what I have denied myself? I chose my exile, my new life. I have no right to enforce my exile on her, do I?

I'm her father! I can enforce whatever rules I see necessary. She will not be going to Hogwarts!

But then I would have to explain. Kathryn wouldn't let me just say no. She wouldn't like it either if I made a decision like this without her. I already know that Kathryn will say yes.

So, am I supposed to entrust my daughter to them? How can I trust them? I haven't trusted any of them since I was fifteen.

My mind wanders to them, and I wonder who will be coming tonight. I hope it is no one I know. I don't know if I'll be able to handle that.

I walk over to the edge of the pond, pick up a rock, and send it skipping. It isn't a very good; it skips twice and then sinks.

What am I going to do? I sit back down on the same bench and watch the ducks. I'll miss Courtney.

What? Where did that come from? I haven't agreed to let her go! I want to protect her from them. A different thought creeps in; I want to protect myself. No! I want to protect her!

I am angry. How dare they put me in this position! I sigh. It isn't their fault she has powers. That is my fault.

Can I punish my daughter for my faults? No.

I hate them! I don't want anything to do with them, nor do I want my daughter to do anything with them. I don't trust them. I never wanted any association with them again. I don't want the letters that I still get. I don't want to think about my past, about what happened.

But I have to!

I can't impose my will unjustly on Courtney. I never have before and I won't start now. So, I leave this choice to an eleven year old who has no notion of what could happen?

There's an easy remedy to that.

Easy? No telling the story of my past would not be an easy thing. So, I let her decide? I must.

So, Courtney will be going to Hogwarts. I know she won't turn down the opportunity.

I don't want to imagine her there. But images come unbidden to my mind. I wonder who is teaching…. No! I don't want to know. I don't care anymore. That is no longer my life! So do I just sit idly by and watch my daughter embrace that world? I guess I have to. I have no other choice.

It hurts to think of her leaving. Living among them. Becoming one of them.

I was once one of them. That doesn't matter! I'm not anymore! I stopped being one of them, when I started calling them, them. Did that thought even make sense?

What will I do? Give her my blessing? I could never do that. I can't bring myself to do that.

I will say neither yea nor nay. I will be neutral. I will not get involved, nor will I hinder her. It is her choice and I will neither support nor deny it. That is my resolve.

I walk to my car and drive home dreading the hour that brings our visitor.

I only hope that I can stand firm.