A/N: er—slightly explicit descriptions here. ok maybe not that explicit...I think I've just become a bit of a prude lately...lol oh yeah…and um, apologies to you, lupin is my hero, for not keeping my word. I swear, I would've had this posted by 2am…but there was a bit of a fiasco in my room that kept me from finishing up that night; lol long story…let's just say I've finally come to an understanding at just how ridiculously scared I am of spiders…lol
Chapter 55: Property of R.J. Lupin
Kierra wrung her hands nervously as she paced around her bedroom. It had been almost a week since Sirius's death, and Remus was supposed to be returning from London today, after seeing Harry off for the summer and giving a quick warning to his aunt and uncle regarding their treatment of him. She hadn't spoken to him since last week, when he came back to break the news of Sirius to her. And he had hardly spoken. He had barely gotten the words out before he broke down. Kierra shut her eyes trying to block out the memory. She had never seen Remus cry before, and was fairly certain that it was not something that occurred with frequency. He looked defeated and broken, sobbing into her lap, muttering incoherent phrases every few seconds. For Kierra, the news had come as quite a shock, but she couldn't bring herself to cry. Not when Remus needed someone to be calm and strong for him, the way he had always been for his friends. They hardly spoke that evening. Remus quietly told Kierra of how they ended up in the department of mysteries in search for Harry and his friends, and how Bellatrix and Sirius had been dueling. How Sirius had dared her to perform better, and how Bellatrix rose to the challenge…He had spent the rest of the evening in solitude, not even bothering to come out of his room for dinner. The following day, Remus had gone back to London to see to order business, and almost immediately after he left, Kierra began wandering about the apartment—for nearly an hour, staring off into space, trying to comprehend what had happened—until she found herself pulling out a painting from underneath her bed…the painting she had made of Sirius months before…There he was before her, staring out his window, soaking up the sunlight…he looked alive…he was alive… Kierra stared at the painting until her eyes began to water. She had tucked it back underneath her bed, and curling her knees up to her chest, she cried silently. She had not gotten a chance to know him at all. All the years she had known him…and she had not really known him. Not the way Dominique or Remus did. Yet she missed him desperately…
Kierra heard a popping sound from the living room, and she immediately drew breath as she hurried out to meet Remus. He forced a weak hello as she smiled and greeted him with a hug.
"Did you see Harry off?" she asked as she took his bag from him and set it on the kitchen table. "Is he alright?"
Remus sighed. "He will be soon enough. I think he looked slightly comforted when we insisted that we hear from him at least every three days. It'll beat last summer, I'm sure."
Kierra nodded, remembering how Remus had told her of Harry's frustrations with being left in the dark for a good part of the summer. "And how's everything with the order? How's Dominique? Have you talked to her?"
"Briefly. She needs some time though, obviously. Probably more than any of us. Dumbledore told me he's considering offering her the teaching post at Hogwarts for defense against the dark arts. Umbridge is out now, obviously."
Kierra forced a smile. Well, that was certainly something to be happy about. That and the removal of Cornelius Fudge from the ministry. Nymphadora Tonks had written her the day before, updating her on the goings at the ministry. "Well, I hope she takes it. She can be closer to Dumbledore then. And Harry…"
Remus nodded. "Yes, I certainly hope she takes it too. It'll be good for her…"
Kierra watched as Remus started to head back to his room. She frowned slightly. "Remus"—he turned around and looked at her—"how are you?" she asked, raising her eyebrows concernedly at him. He simply shrugged in response and smiled weakly.
"Fine…" he managed to say. He turned back around to go to his room. "I'll be fine, thanks…"
"Thank you, Dominique for agreeing to see me."
Dominique forced a smile at her great-uncle as she took a seat across from him in Hogwarts office. "No problem."
"Well," Dumbledore began, looking down his half-moon spectacles at his niece, "I thought with the upcoming expiration of your contract with the Parisian orchestra I might offer you a position here at Hogwarts. As you know, we're in need of a defense against the dark arts professor, and I couldn't think of anyone more suited for the position than you."
Dominique cocked an eyebrow at Dumbledore. "Me?"
Dumbledore smiled slightly and nodded. "As a former auror"—
"I never got around to actually being an auror. I was just training…you know that…"
"Nevertheless, you have plenty of background in defense and I know you'd be able to handle yourself well in a classroom."
Dominique looked at him skeptically. "This isn't a pity offer, is it? Because I can easily renew my contract with the orchestra…"
Dumbledore smiled. "It's a genuine offer. I can assure you that I did not get Umbridge fired simply for the purpose of hiring you. I did however approach you for this position before I did for anyone else for the simple reason that we are both responsible for Harry Potter. I need a staff member who can watch him and befriend him, and you have a duty to him as his new guardian. It is needless to say that your employment here would sufficiently accomplish both our goals."
Dominique nodded. She hadn't seen Harry Potter since he was a baby. She didn't even know him, and suddenly she was his guardian. Part of her wanted to get up and run out of Dumbledore's office and hand the responsibility over to Remus, but she knew she could not back out of this. She knew it would be selfish to stay in France, never really meeting her friends' son. Never carrying on for Sirius…
"So…" Dominique said slowly, "when do I get to move back to Hogwarts?"
Many nights later, Remus found himself staring at the ceiling as he lay in bed. He needed to go to sleep. He was administering exams the following morning. He knew he wouldn't fall asleep for hours though. He hadn't been able to sleep soundly the whole week. His mind would keep wandering to Sirius, who now seemed to be thousands of miles away from him, or perhaps in a whole new world, but not entirely gone. The idea of a world without Sirius—it was practically incomprehensible. He knew, as Dumbledore tended to remind him, that those they love never truly leave them. He knew that. He certainly felt that Sirius had not truly disappeared, yet the raw fact that he would never see his friend again completely tormented him.
Yet Sirius's memory was not the only one that tormented him. Dreams of a certain flatmate continued to reappear, even though he had gone on his first date with Sheila Forester and was planning on seeing her again at the end of the week when exams were through. Sirius told him the dreams would go away at this point. "…And if they don't go away, and you don't seem to like Sheila, then screw it, suck it up, and ask Kierra out." Sirius had added. But he didn't not like Sheila. She was a nice woman. She was interesting and funny too. Well, he'd give it another try at the end of the week. But if it didn't work out, would he be able to ask Kierra out? His heart pounded anxiously at the mere thought. As he turned over in his bed to lie on his side, he sighed. He needed to make an effort with Sheila…
Kierra shook her hips rhythmically to the sound of the song on her muggle radio as she wiped the kitchen table clean. She loved the feeling of turned-in grades. It made her feel so easy and carefree, that cleaning hardly seemed like work for her. With the mountain of exams and essays to grade during the past week, neither Kierra nor Remus had found much time to maintain their flat, resulting in the progressive accumulation of clutter and disorder all around. But they were finished now with the school year, and had a lovely two and a half months to relax almost entirely (they were still expected to draw up lesson plans for the following school year and attend a few meetings at the castle over the summer). Kierra had wanted to go out with Remus to celebrate, but was pleasantly surprised to find that he had plans to see Sheila again. She smiled happily at the thought of the couple as she attempted to clean off paint stains she had left on their futon. They were cute together. She had seen them leave together from the castle for their date, and she couldn't help but giggle. Remus was nearly two feet taller than his petite date, and from behind, it looked a bit as though he was walking with his daughter. She made a mental note to mention this to Remus, mostly for the sake of annoying him.
"Wingardium Leviosa." She muttered aloud, waving her wand at the pile of laundry on the futon. Her clothes hovered in the air for a moment, and with another swish of her wand, the clothes flew off in the direction of her room. She then turned her attention to Remus's stack of clothes and waved her wand again, bringing them into the air. She waved her wand again, pointing it in the direction of Remus's room. Just as the clothes pushed Remus's door open and made their way into his room, Kierra's radio started making crackling noises, causing the song playing to grow fuzzier. As Kierra turned away from her magic to glance at the radio though, Remus's clothes plopped onto the floor. Kierra tucked her wand in her pocket and went to turn the radio off. She then headed to Remus's room and began collecting his clothes off the floor. She walked over to his bed to place the now neatly folded stack there, but found that his bed was covered with books and papers. With some effort she pushed aside a heavy stack of advanced magical theory books away, and dropped his stack of laundry in their place. She shook her head as she glanced over the mess of books. During the past week, Remus had spent hours pouring over his books, checking the facts of his students' essays when they presented information about defense magic that seemed foreign to him.
Kierra knew of a shelving charm, but the last time she had tried it, her books stacked themselves in her bookshelf upside down. She leaned forward and began re-shelving his books by hand, occasionally wondering if he had any strange methods of organizing his books, though she opted to arrange them by size. Several minutes later, Kierra reached for the last book—or what she had thought to be the last book. The Practice of Unforgivables lay open on his bed, and as she picked it up and shut it, she discovered a small, leather-bound book sitting underneath it. She shelved Unforgivables and picked up the unlabeled book. It looked like a very old, tatty planner or muggle address book, but knew Remus used neither. She opened the book, and on the inside front cover in elegant script she found the words, Property of R.J. Lupin, and below it, 1976. Kierra frowned, trying to remember where she was in 1976. Hogwarts…sixth year. She glanced down again at the book, and over on the next page, in handwriting that looked vaguely familiar, it read:
Happy Christmas, mate! Yes, I know. I'm the most uncreative friend ever. Another book for you to make precious love to. (I'd get you a girl, but I don't know anyone here mad enough to have you). Thought you could do with a little haven to spill your poetic little soul into. Merlin knows the rest of us can't stand hearing about your reflections on life. Just kidding. Well, no, maybe I'm not. Anyway knock yourself out, but don't try to jinx it so Padfoot, Wormtail and I can't read it—we shall know if you've tried.
–Prongs.
Kierra couldn't help but laugh. James…and it had sounded like him. She wondered what Remus had been doing with such an old journal in the middle of exam week. Perhaps with Sirius's death he had felt pangs of nostalgia and had taken a stroll down memory lane. Kierra smiled fondly of the memories she had at Hogwarts, now wondering at what moments Remus had treasured most of all…
Ignoring the annoying tug on her conscience, Kierra turned to the next page and began reading.
14 January 1977
Had to dock points from Gryffindor because James somehow managed to sneak into the girls' dormitory while they were sleeping and dyed the girls' hair purple. Bit pervy, sneaking up there like that. I think he realized he crossed the line when Lily hexed him, and Alice threatened to hex me if I didn't take away house points. Sirius is a bit mad that I listened to her, and hasn't spoken to me all day. I wouldn't mind turning in my prefect's badge sometimes…
17 February 1977
I'm being stalked. I know it. The others think I'm mad, but I swear, this whole week I've been seeing a pair of brown eyes staring at me through the bookshelves in the library when I study…
Kierra laughed. That had been her, as she had admitted to Remus a year later when they began to date. She began leafing through the pages, occasionally finding cards of famous witches and wizards that normally came with packets of chocolate frogs, as well as sketches of random objects drawn on scrap paper (she felt guilty laughing out loud at Remus's artistic abilities. He was only sixteen…) She noticed that there were hardly any entries, but mostly quotations and poems, which she assumed to be his own work as he had not cited any other authors. As she flipped to a page that was marked 30 April 1977 though, she stopped and looked down at it, drawn to an entry that seemed relatively long in comparison to the other entries in the journal.
I just punched one of my best friends. I, Remus John Lupin, just punched Sirius Fitzwilliam Black. And I don't regret it. He deserved it. James and Peter think so too. He betrayed me—he betrayed all of us. I don't understand what he was thinking…egging Snape on to find out where I go every month. He could've killed Snape. I could've killed Snape…or turned him into a monster. I could've made him like me. And I would have to live with it. I know Sirius isn't an evil person…but…what is wrong with him? Why would he want me to have that on my conscience? Even if I didn't harm Snape…I'll forever live with the fact that I almost did. What's more, he used me as a means to an end. That's not what our friendship is for. Was for. That's not why we spent months creating a map and signing our names on it as a pact of fraternity. It's clear now that it's all meaningless to him. He'll do what he wants for his kicks…
Kierra turned the page, expecting to find another entry, mentioning him making up with Sirius. But there was none—only a brief entry dated to a month later, talking about exams. She vaguely remembered the incident—it had taken place in the great hall—all she saw was Sirius and Remus suddenly standing up and shouting at each other. Sirius had let out a loud laugh, and a moment later had fallen backwards against the table by the force of Remus's punch. Kierra smiled slightly, remembering that this day had been marked as the one that made Remus a popular topic of discussion in the girls' loos. She only wondered how long it took Remus and Sirius to make up…
Kierra skipped through several more pages until she found herself glancing through his seventh year entries. Her smile broadened as she flew past the months. They had started dating…had he written anything about her? After a few minutes of careful skimming, Kierra finally found her name under 28 January 1978.
Just finished studying for arithmancy exam with Lily. Kierra looked slightly put out when we emerged from the library after three hours. I suppose that is a lot of time to spend alone with a girl who's not your girlfriend. I made it up to her though. Well, I tried to anyway. I borrowed James's old cloak and tried taking her on a midnight stroll around the castle, but it seemed she had other plans. Let's just say we spent a good part of the night in an empty classroom…
I love her. I love being with her. She's so perfect. And beautiful. And lovely in every way. She has flaws, I know. She has a short temper and gets mad when I spend too much time with Dominique. She tends to trip over her shoelaces a lot and is almost always oblivious to everything around her. But I love it all. Every little bit about her. God, I sound like James gushing over Lily. Hope he doesn't find this entry…
Kierra smiled sheepishly. Why hadn't he ever told her all this when they were dating? She hurriedly turned the page, hoping to find more, but found nothing. She turned a few more pages, finding them all to be blank. But there had hardly been any entries in those two years, yet the book had looked so thick and full…
Several blank pages later, Kierra found another entry. Only this time the ink didn't look nearly as faded as the previous entries. The entry before her was dated 13 June 1994.
Moved in with Sirius today. I had packed up all my things and sent them to his place, and as we were unpacking I came across this. It barely took half an hour to get through my entries. Pity I wrote so seldom when I was younger. Brief as it was, we had a fun trip down memory lane. We laughed quite a bit at some parts and met awkward silence at others. Those days at Hogwarts seem so distant now. Reading the names of people who are dead now…or people we've lost touch with. It's amazing what time can do to people…
26 August 1994
Who am I kidding? Sirius knows me too well. Well, he knows women too well. He knows their ways and he knows how they play with minds and move the hearts. I suppose Sirius deserves more credit—he does know my heart; better than he used to anyway. I can tell him all I want, even believe so myself…but he seems to know what's deep inside my heart. I've been telling myself for days that I'm happy for Kierra. Sirius has finally learned to nod and accept it too…but I know he doesn't believe my words. And frankly, I don't think I do either anymore. The few times I've seen Edmund, I've forced smiles and polite gestures. I'm just jealous. That's all it is. All these years have gone by and I have little to vouch for. Kierra on the other hand—she's done so much with herself. She's getting married to a man that really seems perfect (I honestly can't find anything wrong with him), she's kept her job (something I can hardly manage to do thanks to Mademoiselle Umbridge), she's so stable…and happy. She has the life that I've longed for. And I'm taking it out on her engagement. She seemed so happy to have me back around…and this is how I'm repaying her…
Kierra gasped and quickly shut the book when she heard a cracking sound from the living room.
"Kierra?" came Remus's voice.
She glanced around the room frantically. She heard his footsteps, and before she realized what she was doing, Kierra was tucking the book into her pocket. The door, which was slightly ajar, came open all the way, and Remus stood at the entrance. He raised an eyebrow at her.
"Remus! You're back!" Kierra said a bit too perkily, clapping her hands. "How was your date?"
"Oh—it was good. Actually, much better than last time. Sheila's starting to grow on me a little." Remus replied, still looking quite nonplussed. "Er—what are you doing in here?"
"Oh! Well"—Kierra waved her hand at his bed, which was now clean of all books and papers—"I was just cleaning up the place, and when I brought your laundry in I saw the mess of books, so I thought I'd clean them up for you."
Remus hung his cloak up in his closet. "Oh—thanks. That was very nice of you."
"No problem." Kierra said as she hurried out of Remus's room. She sighed with relief as she made it to her own room.
It was not until late at night when Kierra could be alone again in her room. She saw the lights go out in Remus's room, and now assured that he wouldn't come bursting in her room for whatever reason and finding her reading his journal, she pulled the book out from underneath her pillows and began reading from where she had left off.
30 November 1994
I'll never admit it to Sirius, but I'm in love. Hell, he knows it, but I won't admit it to him. He'd never let me hear the end of it. Why, of all people does it have to be Kierra though? I'd feel less anxious fancying Elinor—a married woman. But Kierra…I should've seen this coming when I first let her move in. She's beautiful and flirty…and the way she isn't even aware of it makes her even more attractive.
I'm in love with my flatmate. I'm in love with my ex-girlfriend. I'm not sure which one sounds worse…
25 May 1995
She's like a fire raging all around me.
Burning me when I get too close.
I'm afraid of all the heat, it's become unbearable.
At times I want to fight fire with more fire
Other times I want to smother it with love.
Kierra turned the page, but there were no more entries.
Remus Lupin is going to kill me, Kierra thought as she lay in bed awake. It was now 3 o'clock in the morning. I am going to die from sleep deprivation, and it's all his fault. She shut her eyes, the words in Remus's journal flying through her mind. How did she never see this? How could she have? He never even dropped a hint about his feelings…but were they still the same? His last entry was dated back about a month ago. Had his feelings changed already? He was dating Sheila now, but he didn't seem to be crazy about her. There didn't seem to be much chemistry between them…
Kierra pressed her hand against her stomach, feeling slightly nauseous. What was she supposed to do now? Ignore everything she had read? That was probably the wisest thing to do; clearly Remus didn't want her knowing about his feelings. But she knew she couldn't pretend she didn't know. She wasn't nearly as good at concealing her feelings as Remus was. But how did she feel? She wasn't so sure. All this time, she had felt nothing toward him, and now all of a sudden, she knew what he concealed, and she didn't know how to handle it. Kierra wondered if Remus had felt similarly when he had found out about Kierra liking him when they were students. Kierra's hand involuntarily slid up her torso and fastened over her breast as she closed her eyes and thought about the days when she and Remus were an item. He had been so sweet to her. For some reason, the one memory that always stuck in her mind was his tendency to always take her for ice cream dates even though he himself disliked the dessert, simply because she loved it. He always got her sundaes, picking the cherry off the top for her since she didn't like them. They would sit in the ice cream parlor for hours, laughing and talking, and finally being forced to leave when the store owner found them locking lips…
Kierra found herself smiling slightly at the memories. They had been crazy about each other the year they had dated. They were almost always in each other's company—sitting next to each other in class, dining together in the great hall, sneaking away to the darker, unlit corners of the castle between classes for their more private display of affections…
Kierra shivered as she closed her eyes and recalled the memories…she could practically feel the pads of Remus's fingers pressing against her. And without realizing so, Kierra arched her back slightly, her chest heaving up as she felt his hand closing around her breast. She closed her eyes and sighed, letting the sensations wash over her. He would caress her all over, and then replace his touches with kisses. She imagined him trailing kisses down her neck, and she gasped out loud when she felt his tongue pressing against her nipple. She sat up in bed, breathing fast. She shivered slightly, but she felt hot. Kierra pulled herself out of bed and tiptoed into the kitchen. She was just dehydrated…
Kierra sat down at the kitchen table and closed her eyes as she took a sip of water. What had he done to her? She took a large gulp of water and set the glass on the table. She was a mess. Just as Kierra looked up though, she saw Remus entering the kitchen. He stopped for a moment, slightly startled at finding her there, but then smiled at her.
"I see I'm not the only one who can't sleep then." said Remus as he headed to the sink.
Kierra forced a smile in return. "Yeah…" was all she managed to say.
Remus sat across from her and took a sip of water. He took one look at Kierra's appearance and immediately tried to avert his glance elsewhere. She wore a pink tank top with her pajamas, with one of the straps falling over her shoulder. But it was her nipples pressing right through the fabric of her shirt that made him shift his stare to the clock that hung behind her as he took a particularly large gulp of water. There was no way he was going to survive a summer with her…
Kierra paced around her room the following afternoon. She needed to somehow slip into Remus's room and stick the journal in some inconspicuous place. Only it was proving to be a bit difficult because Remus had no plans to leave the apartment and was in his room right now. She flipped through his journal, staring at the pages blankly as she tried to come up with a scheme. She could just leave it hidden in her room for now, and when he went to use the bathroom…Yes, everyone uses the bathroom, and he would have to go sooner or later. She would just have to keep an eye on him until he did so…
Kierra jumped up in surprise, flinging Remus's journal backwards overhead as her door opened. He eyed her warily. Why didn't Remus knock? He always knocked…
"Er—I saw that we were out of a few things. Would you mind running to the store? Or should I?" he asked, looking past Kierra to see what she had thrown onto her bed.
Kierra stepped to the right, hoping to block Remus's view. "No, that's alright. I can go. Just—er—give me a second to change."
"You look fine. It's just the grocery store, Kierra." Remus said, smiling slightly.
"Yes I know, but I don't like the shirt I'm wearing…" Kierra said as she pushed Remus out and shut the door. "I'll be ready in less than a minute!"
Kierra sighed with relief as she hurried to her bed to grab Remus's journal. She glanced quickly around her room. He had caught a glimpse of it, but he didn't see it fully. But he probably suspected that she was hiding something now. Kierra tucked the journal inside her purse, and after a quick change of shirts, she headed for the grocery store.
As she made her way through the dairy aisle, Kierra couldn't help but notice that at the end of the aisle stood a small woman with short black hair, studying the labels on two cartons of yogurt. It was Sheila. Kierra was halfway in making a U-turn to avoid passing her, but then an idea struck her. She slowly rolled her trolley down the aisle, past the milk and eggs, past the cheese…
"Sheila! Hi!" she said brightly. Sheila looked up and smiled broadly when she saw her.
"Hello Kierra!" she replied. "How are you?"
Kierra smiled. "I'm great. It's so nice to be done now with classes. For once, not having any paperwork to deal with…"
Sheila rolled her eyes but continued smilling cheerily. "Speak for yourself. As ze headmaster's secretary, I 'ave to be zere 'ear round…"
Kierra laughed. "That's right…I'm sorry. So how's everything going? How's everything with Remus? Is he treating you well?"
Sheila beamed. "Absolutely. "He is such a gentleman! Though a bit too gentleman-like at times, if you ask me." She said, rolling her eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"Well…he didn't tell you how ze dates went?" she asked.
Kierra shook her head. "He doesn't really kiss and tell."
Sheila frowned. "As if zere was much to tell about. We've only kissed once. On our last date. And it was on ze cheek! He must be very shy…"
Kierra smiled slightly, not being able to resist the temptation. "No, not really. He's not that shy."
Sheila raised an eyebrow, looking somewhat offended. "Oh really?"
"Oh no, don't take it personally, Sheila." Kierra said quickly, pulling a look of concern on her face. "It's not you at all. It's just…well, never mind. It's a long story. I should've kept my mouth shut."
Sheila looked so absorbed by Kierra that she absently placed both yogurt cartons in her trolley. "No, what is it?"
"I can't"—
"Oh, come! He is my boyfriend now! I think I 'ave a right to know…"
Kierra sighed in defeat. "I know. And I feel like I have an obligation to tell you, as a friend…I don't want you being deceived."
"Deceived?" Sheila breathed. "What do you mean?"
"Well…do you remember in the beginning of the school year? All those rumors flying around about him…"
"That he was a poof?" Sheila asked. Kierra nodded. "Yes, I heard those…zey are not true, are zey?"
Kierra shrugged. "I want to say they're not…but honestly Sheila, I live with him. I went to school with him. And well"—she sighed dramatically—"I don't know. He hasn't said anything to me…but I think he is. He's just afraid to admit it."
Sheila frowned. "I always thought he was a bit…different. But…are you sure?"
Kierra nodded. "A couple of weeks ago, I found a large-sized t-shirt under the futon. I didn't recognize it. And Remus said it was his…but I mean come on, you've seen how skinny he is. He would be drowning in a shirt that size." She felt a pang of guilt as she saw the look of distress on Sheila's face. But it was too late now…
"So…why would he ask me out?" she asked. "To cover the rumors up…make him look straight?"
Kierra nodded. "I'm sorry, Sheila."
"No, I'm sorry. I understand if he's frustrated and worried about his image…but he used me!"
Kierra bit her lip, feeling slightly nervous as she realized they were in a grocery store. "Listen Sheila, I need to go. But I'm sorry…I'm sorry I had to tell you…are you going to…you know, dump him?"
"Oh you bet I am." Sheila said angrily. "Is he home right now? Because I think I might pay him a visit."
"Er—yes—he should be home." Kierra replied. "But Sheila—I don't know if you should…he'd kill me if he found out I told you…"
Sheila pat her on the shoulder sympathetically. "Don't worry, I won't say I heard from you. In fact, I won't give him any reasons. I'll tell him I just don't want to see him anymore. I suppose I shouldn't be too harsh anyway. It's not entirely his fault that he has a weak character…"
Kierra nodded and bid Sheila good luck. As she headed for the checkout, she felt her insides gnawing at her. What had she just done? What had possessed her to do that? Sheila was her friend…Not a very good friend…but all the same…she was a friend. She lied to Sheila so she could dump Remus. But for what? What had she accomplished? Kierra had a sudden urge to write to Dominique, confessing her guilt to her and begging for advice on what to do. Instead of apparating back home, Kierra walked the way, hoping to avoid meeting Sheila in their flat. When Kierra reached her flat, she took a deep breath, hoping Sheila was not there, and that Remus was too distracted to ask her what took her so long. She opened the door and found Remus sitting on the futon in the living room, his hands in his face.
"Hey" she said brightly. Probably a bit too brightly. There were no signs of Sheila anywhere. "You look glum. Everything alright?"
Remus lifted his face from his hands and looked at her. "Oh…not a good day. I seem to be losing things. Sheila just stopped by to tell me she was through with me."
"Oh"—Kierra put the groceries and her purse on the ground and sat next to him, giving him a hug—"I'm sorry!"
"She didn't even say why. She just…ended it. Like that."
"Are you going to be ok?" Kierra asked.
Remus shrugged. "I wasn't really close to her. It was just odd, I guess. But I think I'll be fine. Thanks."
"Are you sure?" Kierra pressed him as she got up and took the groceries to the kitchen to put them away. "I mean you don't seem particularly devastated…but still"—
"No, I'm fine…really." Remus said. "Do you need help with the groceries?"
"No, that's alright." Kierra said as she tried to tuck a box of cereal into the pantry, but to no avail. It was too tall. "Hey Remus, can you get my wand out of my purse? I need to drink this box of cereal to make it fit…"
Kierra heard Remus unzipping her purse, following by the sound of rummaging. He seemed to have stopped though, and almost immediately Kierra understood. She burst into the living room, but too late. Remus had withdrawn his journal from her bag, his eyes widened slightly in surprise. Oh, there was no way getting out of this…
"Another thing that I lost today…" he said, staring at the book. He stood up and looked at Kierra, narrowing his eyes at her. She cowered slightly, but his expression did not soften. "You stole this from my room—how long have you had it?"
"When I was cleaning up the other day…I found it…and…I didn't mean to. I'm sorry"—Kierra stammered.
"You didn't mean to?" he asked incredulously. "So you accidentally picked this up and stuck it in your purse? Accidentally read it too, didn't you?"
"Remus"—
But Remus did not stay to listen. He brushed past her, clutching his journal in one hand, and headed towards his room.
"Remus"—she repeated, following after him. Her mind raced, but her heart beat even faster. She grabbed a hold of his arm and with some effort, she whirled him around. And before she could think of something to say to him, she pulled him up against her by his shirt and kissed him.
She pressed her lips firmly against his, closing her eyes in anticipation. But nothing came. She pressed him, but as she did so, she had a fleeting image of Dominique leaning over a table to kiss Remus. She had a feeling he had been equally unresponsive to her. She pulled away, her cheeks burning with shame. She looked at him apprehensively, waiting for what seemed like an eternity for him to speak.
"What was that?" he asked, looking very taken aback though traces of anger still remained on his face.
"I—well—you love me!" she found herself saying.
"I'm sorry?"
"You love me!" Kierra repeated. "I know I shouldn't have looked through your diary"—Remus winced slightly at hearing the word—"but…I'm glad I did. You had no intention of telling me about your feelings, did you?"
"What feelings?" he asked. "I haven't written in that thing for over a month. And it's nice to know you took the trouble of reading the entire thing."
"Remus, come on! I said I was sorry…and I mean it! I felt so guilty about all of this…but…curiosity just got the better of me. And this is good now! Your feelings are out in the open"—
"Those weren't my feelings." Remus cut in. "Just…moodiness. I didn't mean it."
"Bull"—
"You know, you seem quite keen to assert your knowledge on my feelings, yet you haven't said a word about your own." Remus said.
Kierra did not reply at first. She did not know how she felt. Up until reading Remus's journal, she had not really been attracted to him at all…and Remus seemed to read her mind.
"You don't love me." He said quietly. "And I don't love you."
"You're just saying that because you're afraid of rejection." Kierra replied.
"No, I don't." Remus said. "It's the same as last time. Do you remember when we broke up years ago? You said it was just lust that was holding us together, and when that disappeared, we would have nothing left to hold onto. That's what it is Kierra. It's not love. It's lust. And that will die away in time. It always does."
"It's not, Remus." Kierra said. "I know it's not for me. I wouldn't go to such great lengths in such a blind manner…"
"What are you talking about?" asked Remus.
"Well…" Kierra started slowly, hoping the story would amuse Remus and cause him to forgive her. "Sheila…I sort of ran into her when I was going for groceries. And well…I sort of fed her this cock-and-bull story about how you were…sort of…homosexual. And that you were a closet one at that…having a secret affair with some guy…" Kierra said, cringing as she saw the changes in Remus's facial expression.
"You told her that?" he asked incredulously. "Why?"
"I don't know!" Kierra exclaimed, stomping her foot hard. "I don't know what came over me. I just saw her…and I didn't want her to be with you…and I just told her all of that so she would break up with you…" She stared expectantly at him, wondering if he was going to laugh or shout some more.
"I can't believe you told her all that…" he muttered. "Just so…what? So you could be with me? Were you planning on coming home and saying something about it? Because you didn't seem to leave that impression when you came home! And how could you say that? Isn't she one of your friends?"
"Yes, but"—
"So, what? Is that what friendship is to you? Just lie to your friends…playing with them like they're your pawns, with no regard for their feelings? Just to get it your way?"
"I felt bad, Remus"—
"For about five minutes, right?" he retorted. "I can't even believe you have the capacity to be so selfish."
"Selfish?" Kierra exclaimed. "I'm not selfish! I was thinking of you, Remus!"
"No you weren't. You were thinking of yourself. You don't even know why you did it, except to satisfy yourself. You didn't like the idea of Sheila being with me, so you drove her away, and that was it. You did it all for yourself." Remus replied.
"You're not being fair, Remus." Kierra said in a hurtful tone.
Remus's expression softened slightly, but his tone of voice did not. "I am. I'm telling you facts. That's how you acted. You didn't care about Sheila's feelings, how incredibly used she would feel if she knew your intentions. You didn't care about how I felt either. I could've been more attached to her, and the breakup could've hurt me more. And if that weren't enough, you certainly didn't care about my feelings when you stole my journal. You couldn't respect my space or privacy, simply because you just had to satisfy your curiosity." He swallowed and looked hard at Kierra before turning away and heading to his room. "I have nothing more to say to you." He muttered.