Fade III
part two of the Paint the Sky anthology
part three of Fade
by lone astronomer
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related names, locations, etc. are property of J. K. Rowling. No profit is being made and no infringement is intended. The line re: wolves who live with people, is shamelessly filched from the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett. I own a copy of the book but not the copyrights, so I'm actually losing money on that one. I have a feeling I also stole one of James' lines from Han Solo of Star Wars (expanded universe) fame, so I'm telling you, L, the guy is slime! gets credited to Dave Wolverton and The Courtship of Princess Leia.
Summary: Remus is moody; Lily is distant; Sirius bears his heart. James pretends to be oblivious, until he makes a discovery that changes everything.
Through
I might've known I'd be skipping these stones
Alone on this October night
-Jamie Williams, Goodbye July
"Happy birthday, Lily!" Sirius said with a grin that was only half-forced, pumping her hand vigorously. "How does it feel to finally be legal?"
She gave a watery smile, and Sirius' grin wavered. It had only been two weeks since her impromptu rescue, but he thought she ought to have a little more life in her than she seemed to. She was living with the Potters, after all, and they were hardly a slothful bunch. "Thank you. About the same, I think. Why? Do I look different?"
Yes, Sirius decided to himself. Paler, drawn, too thin. Fragile and small rather than tempestuous. James would be heartbroken. "A bit older, maybe," he fibbed, injecting his voice with whatever false cheer he could. "How's your eyesight?"
"Awful," she admitted. "James says it won't be back until October, really."
James says, Sirius noted, not Mrs. Potter says. "How are the two of you getting on?"
There was a pause that was almost too long, and he wondered what she could be thinking. More likely than not she had cottoned on to what he was really asking about, and was trying to be tactful. Or maybe there was something between her and James that was theirs alone and not to be shared. Sirius could certainly understand that. "Better than I expected," Lily finally answered him, but she sounded unsatisfied with it.
"But?"
The ghost of a smile danced across her lips and faded; it was like an emotional eclipse. "Not as well as James might like," she offered flatly. "Could you point me towards the house, Sirius? I need to use the loo."
He did so, feeling oddly as if a door somewhere had been shut in his face and then locked. He watched her as she walked toward the house, her gait unsteady until she reached the back porch. Sirius felt distinctly uneasy- he knew he wasn't Lily's favorite person, but he'd thought that perhaps they could learn to get along. Now it seemed that Lily wasn't willing to make any effort at all- at anything.
"Not a cheerful sight, is it," James commented quietly from behind him. There was no hint of a question in his voice.
"Cheerful as a funeral," agreed Sirius darkly. "It's as if nothing means anything to her anymore. I can see that, and I've only talked to her for five minutes."
His friend sighed and flopped down onto the damp grass. "I don't know what to do, Sirius."
Biting his lip, Sirius lowered himself into a crouch. "How has she been? I mean, aside from quiet."
"Odd," was James' eventual response. He let out a long breath. "Do you remember hearing that she was with a Muggle family when she was abducted?" Sirius nodded. "They're dead," James said without inflection. "Killed right in front of her. Lily didn't remember seeing any of it, but Dumbledore thinks she must have. He doesn't think she was blind yet when the Death Eaters started torturing them."
Sirius felt his stomach clench. People like his family- like the people who had raised him- they had done this.
"Anyway, she didn't remember. So when Mum suggested that we have a party for her birthday, she wanted to invite them."
In the silence that followed, horror and dread battled in Sirius' heart. They had reached a stalemate when James continued.
"Before she went… distant, I guess, she told me a bit about them. She'd known John and Miranda Priam since she was a little girl. They were all about the same age- the Priams weren't twins, but they were only eleven months apart and in the same grade at school. Last summer she and John had a - I don't know, I didn't ask for details - a fling, maybe? But he was in love with her and she didn't want a relationship when she could never be totally honest. This summer she was just visiting Miranda and I think she'd decided to give John another chance…"
He didn't finish, just watched the door to the house as Lily emerged again, escorted by her parents.
Sirius cleared his throat in what he hoped was an inconspicuous manner. "She does seem to have that problem, with people falling in love with her and whatnot."
James' face closed. "I miss her, Sirius. I miss her scolding and taking house points. I miss the insufferable know-it-all. I wish she'd tell me off. But it's like you said- she doesn't care."
"She'll come out of it." He wished he were as certain of this as he sounded. Sirius knew firsthand how much it could hurt to have someone shut you out, especially when it was someone you cared for deeply. Looking at James, he could see more than a small share of the bitterness and self-loathing he had felt when he had betrayed Remus. But Remus' withdrawal had been Sirius' fault, and James was merely a victim. "It will take some time, but she'll be alright."
His friend said nothing, just watched her from afar.
Later, Sirius deposited himself next to Lily on the sofa. Most of her guests had left, including her parents and all of James' ex-girlfriends. "So how come you didn't invite your sister?"
She gave a bit of a start, turning her head in his direction. "I imagine it was for some of the same reasons you wouldn't have invited your brother."
Sirius was a bit taken aback. "Your sister is a foul, tripe-for-brains Slytherin brat?"
Unsurprisingly, Lily didn't even smile. "Muggle equivalent, really, though as Head Girl I suppose I should be impartial to houses. Wizards aren't the only ones who can have funny ideas about blood." She gave a minute for this to sink in. "What do you care, anyway? Not enough females for you to occupy yourself with?"
If she was going to play the off-putting truth game, she was going to lose. "Me? No. Bit of a poof myself, really." It was a bit like outing himself to the whole world, but he would risk it, if there was a chance he could keep her from slipping away. He hadn't rescued her for nothing.
To his credit, Lily floundered for a moment or two, cheeks pink. "Oh." Then, "A lot of girls are going to be disappointed."
He smiled, a touch relieved. Maybe there was still a chance...? "Yes, but not heartbroken."
"No," she admitted. "They'll just latch on to James or Remus instead, I suppose. Er, do they know?"
"I've told James." Fairly recently, really- only after that incident with the Whomping Willow, and then only by accident. "I've not got the balls to tell Remus. And Peter… Peter just wouldn't understand. I don't know. Maybe someday." Sirius wondered when they had stopped talking about her. "Anyway, I got you something. You know, for your birthday."
She smiled a bit. "Oh- thank you. You didn't have to…"
"Nonsense. You're probably going to need it." He placed a small parcel in her hands. "Bet you can't guess what it is."
Lily snorted. "I don't think I'll take that bet." Her hands found the Spello-taped seams and pulled off the plain brown wrapping paper, then turned it over a few times. "Alright, I give up."
"It's a talking eyeglass," explained Sirius, feeling just a bit smug. After James had told him that Lily was to be Head Girl after all, he had done his best to come up with something to help her out. "Just put it on the cover of a book and tell it which pages you need- it will read them to you." He didn't add whose voice it read in- that was a part of the gift intended for later, for when Lily most needed to laugh.
"Really? Sirius, that's excellent!" Sirius had the benefit of seeing a full smile before Lily clumsily flung her arms around his neck. "It's just what I needed. Thank you." She was in the process of kissing him on the cheek when a noise in the doorway drew his attention.
Remus. He was standing under the arch with one hand in his pocket, his expression unreadable. "Didn't mean to interrupt," he said, a bit sharply, but didn't move.
Sirius froze. "Nonsense. We were just talking." Lily had unwrapped herself from around his neck, blushing slightly.
"Naturally. Directly into each other's ears, I suspect." Remus' eyes flickered to the window and back. "Don't let James catch you at that, Sirius. Do I assume correctly that he doesn't know you're in here?"
Sirius' patience was leaving him quickly. "Don't be a prat. Of course James knows- I just came in here to give her something."
"Of course James knows," repeated Remus dully. "I understand. It's always been share and share alike between the two of you. I just never thought-" He looked away furiously again. "You don't trust me."
Lily crossed her arms. "Remus, quit being morbid. I was thanking Sirius for the talking eyeglass. He certainly wasn't about to take advantage of me." Sirius thought he saw the corners of her mouth twitch and decided that perhaps, after what he had just revealed to her, the situation was a little funny. Then, to his shock, she giggled. "Don't worry about that- I'm not his type."
A peculiar look sneaked onto Remus' face. "You're laughing at me!" he accused, trying to scowl but not managing more than a pout. His friend fought the urge to snicker- this close to the full moon, Remus was always a little touchy.
"Well, yes," replied the alleged tramp. "I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. If you'll excuse me, boys, I think I'm going to head to bed."
Sirius watched her leave, an uncharacteristic flush on his cheeks when he turned back to his friend. The two stared at each other a moment, and then Remus left, murmuring something about needing to talk to James. Sirius stared into the empty fireplace and wondered.
September first came and melted away into a flurry of NEWT classes, Quidditch games, pranks and homework, and before Sirius knew it an entire month was behind them. News of attacks and missing students and Dark Marks haunted the hallways, seeping insidiously into what had always seemed a safe haven. James and Lily were almost compatible as Head Girl and Head Boy, mostly because she was still playing the part of the unaffected damsel. The only time Sirius had seen her come out of it all month was the first time she set her talking eyeglass to a textbook, when it started reading a section on Love Potions in James Potter's voice. Sirius had been relieved that she couldn't see properly yet; she may have cursed him into oblivion. Still, in the end it had put a smile on her face. Often he didn't know what to think of her- she couldn't seem to decide whether she was going to let herself be infatuated with James or not. She went from distant and unaffected to prying in seconds, but never opened up herself. It was disconcerting.
Yet the thing that struck Sirius as oddest was the distance that James seemed to be putting between himself and Lily. Sirius knew that he, in a similar position, might milk the hero bit for a while or at least subject the object of his affections to some good-natured teasing, but then there were differences between him and James, and the nobility complex, however newly developed, was one of them. James had lusted after her openly for years, and now that she was starting to return the sentiment (at least on occasion) he was backing off. Sirius didn't understand, but then, it was likely he never would.
At that particular moment, Quidditch-star-turned-hero-turned-Head-Boy was blatantly ignoring the looks he was getting from across the table. What a stupid thing to do, Sirius thought, resolving to talk to James about it later. He looked down for a minute to give instructions to his rook, and glanced up to find Remus watching him oddly. Waiting for Remus' counter-offensive, he turned his attention back to James and Lily.
Confused, James thought, didn't even begin to describe it anymore. He was stuck, as it would seem, between a rock and a hard place. He couldn't take advantage of the devotion Lily had just recently deemed should be his. Devotion wasn't the same thing as love, and he wouldn't have anything less than the real thing. At the same time, he knew he was distancing himself from her to try to prevent her from excess hero-worship. It hurt; she was a staple and a constant in a life that was tumultuous, and falling out of love with her wasn't easy. He told himself that it was for his own good.
He told Lily, quite indirectly, that it was for hers. This was true, too; he wouldn't use her, and he wouldn't allow her to use him. After her abduction and temporary blindness she had been as his shadow, in bed and out of it. They hadn't slept together in the sexual sense of the term, though James knew if things continued that would inevitably change. So, despite Lily's protests and his own misgivings, he had sent her to her own bed in the Head Students dormitory of Gryffindor Tower once they had returned to school in September. They were still in close quarters- his room and hers both opened onto a third room meant for studying and planning events.
It was nearly Halloween now, and he could honestly say that he missed having her small, warm body next to him in bed. At the same time he felt his desire waning, and told himself that it was because Lily needed a friend more than anything.
He didn't tell Lily about that.
Someone kicked him under the table. "Earth to James. Anybody home?"
He looked up, startled. "Sorry," he apologized. "I was just thinking."
She nodded, and glanced quickly down and back up again. Four months ago, she wouldn't have broken his gaze. His heart ached a little at the change she'd undergone, but not as much as it should have. "I was just asking you about your alter-ego Prongs and when you decided to change."
"Oh." For a minute, he wondered if he had been talking of his Animagus form in his stupor, but then he realized what she meant. Snippets of the conversation flooded back to him. "It wasn't so much a conscious decision as it just happened," he shrugged, realizing that she was hero-worshipping him again. It made him uncomfortable.
"Come on," she cajoled. "It's like you went from Prongs the prank-happy prick to Captain Selfless overnight."
And that was true, and in a way it was because that was what he had chosen: honor over shame, action over indifference, integrity over everything. At the time he had hoped it wouldn't evolve into a trend, even as he had known that it would. Ever since that day under the Whomping Willow James had been a changed man. "I just had to grow up. Everyone's got to." And that was all that he could say, really, because he wasn't allowed to talk about that. It was ironic that by the time she'd noticed the man he'd become, he was trying to push her away.
Captain Selfless, indeed. Well, that was great. Something twisted inside of him; he knew full well that Lily wasn't getting his not-so-subtle hints. Sometimes he had to do things that he really wished he didn't. "What do you think of that Ravenclaw Prefect- Alice Stockwell?"
He saw confusion and then understanding fly across her face before she replaced it with a forced nonchalance. "Oh- she's nice enough, I suppose. Why do you ask?"
"I was just thinking," he pretended to gaze out the window so she wouldn't know how blatantly he was lying, "about who I should invite to Hogsmeade." The old James would have probably thought the wounded look Lily was wearing was well-deserved; this James, seeing it, couldn't even bear to glance further in her direction. Just because he was falling out of love with her didn't mean he wished her any pain.
She was trying to smile. He could tell by the way her voice sounded. "Guess you're over me at last, eh?"
He managed to smile back, finally meeting her eyes. "Believe me, it happened at the most inconvenient of times." And maybe she would never know exactly what he meant by that.
For the third night in a row, James found himself waking to Lily murmuring in her sleep. He grimaced to himself for his lack of willpower; he could not bring himself to cast Silencing Charms, even at the cost of a normal sleep cycle. Sometimes he just needed to know. Pulling himself out of bed, he fumbled for his glasses and walked out his door.
In her room,Lily lay perfectly still in the moonlight, arms straight at her sides, fists closed gently around the sheets. Only her lips and eyelids were moving, hinting at something that James couldn't quite understand. He moved closer.
"Touchy? I think the word you're looking for is possessive, Sirius. Yes, that's exactly how I meant for it to sound. You don't hide it very well."
James frowned. This half-conversation was strikingly similar to the one he'd overheard the previous night. There's a name for wolves who live with people, Remus. If he whistled…Realization dawned and James sat down heavily on the floor. There was no way that thought had only occurred to him now. He blinked a few times, testing out the idea in his brain. If he whistled…
On one level the idea was completely wrong, too twisted to function in reality. It worked directly against everything he knew and trusted. However, James was prepared to admit that Remus and Sirius were not to be classified under something seen as normal. Finally he shook his head and stood, returning to his own room to grab his Invisibility Cloak, and stepped out into the hallway.
It was well past curfew, and there wasn't another soul in sight as James wandered aimlessly through the corridors. Why was Lily dreaming out loud of conversations with his best friends? Why couldn't he successfully fool himself into not caring? And, most urgently, where had that doorway come from…?
A stone archway had just opened in the middle of what had been an unadorned wall, and James moved closer for a second look. Where was he? One minute he'd been in the library wing and the next… well, he wasn't in Gryffindor for nothing. Glancing around, he slipped under the arch.
The room on the other side was sparse, except in terms of dust. James fought the urge to sneeze. Faintly visible in the eerie light that filtered through the windows were two desks and a large, indistinct shape that was covered by a sheet. Curiously, he moved closer, taking the edge of the sheet in his hands. In for a dime….
The sheet fluttered to the ground and left James standing next to a large, ornate sheet of mirrored glass, adorned with some strange writing at the top. From that angle, he couldn't make out all the letters. He moved to stand in front of it, then stopped quite suddenly.
In the mirror was almost a perfect reflection of himself as he was now- tall, bespectacled, tousle-haired. It shouldn't have been there- he was still wearing the cloak. More disturbing, however, was the slight shape that stood in front of his mirror-self: a young woman with red hair and green eyes and his arms around her waist. He clamped down on the pang of longing. What sort of mirror was this, anyway? It saw through the cloak and it saw through him, it saw…
His gaze flickered up to the writing again, his mouth outlining the syllables in the night. What a strange mirror… how were you supposed to read the writing? Erised stra ehru…It wasn't any recognizable language as far as James could tell, so perhaps it was some sort of code or clever trick- how would he write on a mirror? Backwards? He smiled as he decoded the message. "I show not your face but your heart's desire." But the smile, looking back inside himself, didn't last long. He turned away, snorting dryly.
"Ah, Mr. Potter. I've been expecting you."
James jumped halfway through his skin. "P-Professor!" he stammered, trying to slow his pulse. He took a few deep breaths. "Did you see- I mean…"
"Your deepest desires remain a mystery, Mr. Potter; the Mirror of Erised keeps all of our secrets. Though I believe I could hazard a guess." Dumbledore leaned forward in the desk, pressed his fingertips together and spoke slowly. "You'll forgive me if I ask you to remove the cloak. I'm afraid it's a bit of a strain on my eyes. I'm out of practice."
Dumbfounded, James could only do as he was asked. "You said you were expecting me."
"Oh, yes," replied his elderly mentor. "Please, have a seat. Could you, perhaps, enlighten me as to why you felt it necessary to roam the corridors after hours?"
He flushed a bit. He was certain Dumbledore already knew more than he was ready to tell him. "Um. Miss Evans talks in her sleep, sir. Loudly." His flush deepened.
"Undoubtedly something not even the strongest of Silencing Charms could dampen." In the pale light, James thought he detected an amused twinkle. "Have you given this any thought?"
"What, that she talks in her sleep?" Perhaps it was time to come clean. He hoped this wasn't violating Lily's trust in any way, but seeing as she had no idea what he was talking about, he guessed there wouldn't be a problem. "Well, yes. I mean… I mean a couple of times she's woken up screaming about something that shouldn't exist and when I ask her about it later she never remembers a thing and… I'm worried about her, sir. What's wrong with her?"
A small smile twitched in the corner of the Headmaster's mouth. "Ah. Physically, I suspect, nothing, though she may be suffering from an emotional illness known as sinus fragosus."
"Er," said James, wishing he had taken up the study of Latin. "And that's serious, is it?"
"Oh, it could kill her," Dumbledore replied blithely. "But I don't think you'll let it. In any case, this is not the reason why your friend has been having strangely audible dreams. They should stop shortly, in fact." There was a short moment of quiet, and then, "Mr. Potter, did you never wonder why Miss Evans was abducted?"
James was stumped. Of course he had wondered- what did that have to do with anything? "Every day since it happened."
The old man sighed. "Your fellow head student was given a gift- and a curse. Did you know that she was a seventh daughter?"
He frowned. Seventh daughter? That would make her a Seer, not a sleep-talker. He supposed it would explain why she'd been abducted. "What do you mean? Lily's only got the one horrible sister. Doesn't she?"
"I imagine she often wishes that were the case. But no, her father has three other daughters from a previous marriage, and her mother miscarried twice before she was born. A seventh daughter, Mr. Potter. A true Seer."
"But that doesn't explain anything!"
Dumbledore sighed again. "I wish it didn't. You see, there were two possible motives for Miss Evans' abduction. The first was to procure a true Seer for the Dark forces for the upcoming war. The second was to deprive our side of the same advantage. Have you ever heard of a Sybil, Mr. Potter?"
"What, like the loony who graduated last year?" James was missing the connection, if there was any.
"Not quite. You see, a Sybil is a Seer whose optic nerves have been so severely impaired that, at least for a certain period of time, he or she is completely blind. All precognitive ability is then turned inward or, in a few poorly documented cases, a Sybil may begin to hear the subject of his or her prophecy. Unfortunately for Voldemort- and for us- when Lily was tortured every optic nerve was damaged so badly that they had to be completely regrown. By virtue of the sheer amount of magic that she absorbed, her gift was magnified a hundred times over, but because her optic nerves were essentially ruined, she can only predict her own future."
This was quite a lot for one seventeen-year-oldto absorb, so James stuck to what was familiar. "But why does she talk in her sleep?"
"When she lost her sight, Miss Evans' dreams consisted solely of sound. This proved a very convenient time for her precognition to manifest, since it didn't have to worry about interfering with consciousness or anything she might hear. It… adapted, I suppose, as a Sybil's precognition tends to do, so that she could only predict things while she was sleeping, and the meanings, like most dreams, disappeared when she awoke. During her blindness, only the most intense dreams were given voice." He paused. "Now that her vision has returned, Miss Evans has a much more crowded brain- and the once-silent manifestations of her precognition have to go somewhere, so they get spoken aloud. She should start to quiet down in another week or so, once her brain reorganizes itself."
"But she won't ever be a proper Seer again."
"No."
James sat still for a few moments, trying to organize all of this into his brain, and finally came up with a short summary. "So what you're saying is that Lily has déjà vu every day of her life."
Dumbledore chuckled. "I should think that's exactly what I'm saying. I'll remember that explanation for the next time I need to use it."
James nodded, then rose to leave. "Thank you for sorting that out with me, sir," he said sincerely, shaking out his cloak. Then something occurred to him. "Could you answer just one more question for me, please?"
"Certainly, Mr. Potter. How may I be of assistance?"
"Who would you say is the best whistler in Hogwarts?"
The absurd question didn't seem to phase the Headmaster in the slightest. "Oh, Sirius Black, I think. Hands down."
James grinned darkly as he pulled the hood up. "I'll have to agree with you."
By the time the next Hogsmeade visit was announced, James was plenty comfortable with the idea of bringing Alice Stockwell as his date. However, the fact remained that she was a seventh year Ravenclaw, and the only time he ever saw her was at Prefects' meetings or, on rare occasion, in the library. So it came to pass that, one evening in early October, James prepared himself to ask out a girl he barely knew. When Lily adjourned the Prefects' meeting, he gathered a few pages of notes on fare, decorations and a tentative schedule for the Halloween feast under one arm and approached the oldest Ravenclaw Prefect. "Alice, could I have a word with you?"
She nodded, her eyes questioning, and waited for the rest of the assembled students to disperse. When they had, she leaned back in her chair. "What is it?"
"Er… do you have any plans for the Hogsmeade weekend?"
"Oh," she said quietly, and bit her lip. "Um, I'm supposed to play a chess match against someone in the Three Broomsticks- settle a bet, sort of a thing." She flushed. "Other than that, I'm… free."
"Would you mind if I went along and cheered you on a bit?"
Alice looked a little overwhelmed at this. "You mean like a date?"
"Yes." At this point, elaboration was looking a little pointless. James squirmed a bit.
She smiled. "I'd love to. Meet me in the Three Broomsticks at two-thirty?"
"Sure," he answered, relieved. "Well… see you Saturday." They said their good-byes and went their separate ways, and James felt generally good about the whole experience.
He hoped the feeling would last until Saturday.
"I don't even like pumpkin pie," James protested, sitting across the table from Lily in their small, shared study.
She raised her eyebrows, wondering if this was going to end up giving her a headache. "Really? I never would have guessed. Still, it's a Halloween staple."
"Can't we have blueberry instead?"
"Blueberries aren't in season," Lily pointed out. "I guess we could ask for apple as well, though."
"I suppose it's too much to ask for peach?" James asked, his tone hopeful. "It's my favourite."
She smiled wanly, trying very hard not to roll her eyes. He was so frustrating- for years he'd chased after her, and then just when he got her attention something scared him off. Well, that was fine with Lily. If his interest lay elsewhere, she could deal with that- she owed him a wizard's debt for saving her life, but that didn't mean she had to moon after him. "James, peaches are even more out of season than blueberries. Have some sense- even if they weren't, we'd probably have to import them."
"Oh, alright," he conceded. "What about after the feast? Are we planning anything?"
"No one else ever has. At least not as far as I can remember." She thought about it for a moment. It wasn't a bad idea, really- in fact, it would be good to get the collective student mind thinking about things other than the war. "What did you have in mind?"
"Poker tournament? Costume contest?" James suggested. "I don't really know. Something for everyone. Can we do that?"
Lily was lost in thought. "Poker's not really very festive- and a costume contest isn't very original. No offense." Finally, an idea struck her. "What if we…"
James appeared to be listening intently as she related her idea. Visions of pumpkin-throwing contests, scarecrow races and haunted hayrides danced inside Lily's head, and both of them began taking notes. They needed activities- pumpkin carving, bobbing for apples and tug-of-war (in a pit of pumpkin guts)- all were added to the list.
"What about prizes?" Lily asked, shaking out her hand.
"Don't Muggle arcades use tickets? Maybe it could 'cost' a certain number of tickets to participate in an event, and the winner would get their opponents' forfeited tickets."
"That could work," she agreed. "Then they could use their tickets to buy prizes- candied apples, pumpkin pasties, dancing skeletons and the like." At this, her stomach let out a loud rumble. James caught her eye and they both dissolved into laughter. "I guess I should have eaten dinner," Lily said ruefully, rubbing her stomach. "Bit late now, though."
James looked at her as if she'd grown an extra head. "You mean to tell me you've never sneaked into the kitchens before?"
"And you have?" she asked before she could stop herself. "What am I saying. Of course you have." Her belly gave another loud protest at the continued discussion of food-related topics. "I don't suppose you're willing to share the secret?"
"What?" He clutched at his heart in faux shock. "You mean after curfew?"
Lily glanced at the clock- it was past eleven. She shook her head in resignation. "I guess I'll have to go to bed hungry. We can't very well be caught out after hours. We're supposed to set an example."
"Don't be such a worry-wart," James chided. "Wait right here- I'll be back."
She vaguely wondered where she could get to in thirty seconds without leaving their quarters- the bathroom, possibly, if she hurried.
James returned from his bedroom with something bundled in his arms. "Voila," he said. "The secret to the Marauders' success."
Lily remained skeptical, though something about it was trying to grab her attention. "It's a great piece of ugly cloth."
"Ye of little faith. No one has ever been caught wearing this cloak."
"That's because people are afraid to touch it," she disputed as James began to shake it out. "I mean, look at it-" she stopped. James- and the ugly cloak- had disappeared.
"Some witch you are, Miss Evans," he said teasingly from behind her, his voice directly in her ear. "There's a reason it turns invisible when someone wears it."
But Lily wasn't paying attention to his voice anymore- rather her thoughts were focused inward and backward to a time several months ago when the Invisibility Cloak had proved extremely useful to her personally. The events in her memory were rather hazy.
Pain. Suffering. Confusion. Sudden, unexpected relief. Weak knees. Disbelief.
"You were expecting Father Christmas? Come on, I've got a Invisibility Cloak, get under and let's get out of here."
Then… then, warmth. Then nothing.
Lily swayed a little, feeling light-headed. I don't want to remember this! But she had no choice in the matter; the events were coming back. She felt herself starting to fall-
Somehow, she never hit the ground. She supposed James must have caught her. It was warm- he had probably set her on the sofa by their fireplace. Inside she was cold. She remembered.
Screaming, pandemonium, a door being blast down. The Priams… her best friends, her first love, dying around her. Days chained to a pole in a room that became progressively darker. A hated voice- a hated touch- a slap and a grope in the dark, in the cold-
Lily's stomach heaved; she was dimly glad that she hadn't eaten any dinner. The flashback stopped and left her gasping, clinging to the arm of the sofa, trying to shut the memories away.
Someone was rubbing her back. "Lily, I'm sorry." His words sounded far away, strained. "I should have realized- come on, come back to me. I can go to the kitchens and get you something. Snap out of it."
She took a deep, shuddering breath, and managed some control. "I'm alright," she whispered, closing her eyes and laying her head down on the armrest.
"Like hell you are. You've been screaming blue murder for ten minutes."
A few more calming breaths. "How did you know what to do?" She focused on the small circles he was making on her back. Put it away, she urged herself. Put it away, it can only hurt you.
He sighed, and helped her sit up. She hadn't realized she'd been lying across his lap. "Mum said something like this might happen if you ever saw something that made you remember… what it was like. I was prepared."
What it was like. The touch. Lily shuddered, throwing off James' once-soothing hand. Oh- oh, what if he'd seen, what if he had been there- had there been more, more that she couldn't remember? It sickened her. She had to know. "James, when you came to get me…. Did you- did you see anything that might make you think- think maybe I was abused more than just, you know, with magic?" She couldn't look at him. She couldn't look at herself- if they had touched her, she was filthy- she would never be clean again.
She could tell James was trying to be gentle. His voice was very soft, and very sad, and for a minute her heart stopped. "Lestrange was going to," he answered quietly. "He was going to when I got there, and I couldn't do anything, but he had to leave. Mum said- Mum said they hadn't touched you otherwise."
Lily felt tears of relief leave her eyes, but they dried as quickly as they had come. Pull yourself together. Her stomach growled loudly again and she looked at James- his face was frozen- before forcing a smile onto her face. She wasn't very hungry anymore, but she needed to get out and do something or she would go crazy. "Let's go. You promised me dinner."
He pulled her up off the sofa, looking at the cloak on the table as if it might bite him, but Lily marched up to it and held it out to him as bravely as she dared. Warily, he slipped it over their heads and they headed towards the kitchens.
Half an hour later, full of meat pies and chocolate cake, James and Lily stuck their heads out of the kitchens. "All clear," she pronounced, reaching a half-visible hand up, checking that the hood was still in place. "Ready?"
"Let's go," he agreed. They stepped out into the hall and began the journey back to the Head Student dormitory.
They passed three suits of armor, the portrait of the dogs playing cards, and the entrance to the Ravenclaw dormitory. Seeing it must have jogged Lily's memory, because she asked, "How did your date with Alice Stockwell go, by the way? It was almost two weeks ago- I forgot all about it."
James winced inwardly. His date with Alice had been a little boring- she tended to adhere to rules very strictly, preferring chess to more social activities. They'd run into Lily in a pawnshop in Hogsmeade, which had been nothing if not awkward, though it hadn't deterred them from seeing each other. Their relationship hadn't lasted. When you're kissing me it feels like you'd rather be somewhere else, she'd told him. With someone else. And since she was partly right, and because he sensed the same thing about her, he hadn't argued. Finally he answered, "It went okay. We've gone our separate ways, though." He had to smile at the irony of the situation. "I think she fancies Frank Longbottom."
"That's nice," Lily said, stumbling a bit over a stair. James grabbed her about the waist to steady her. "They'd make a good couple."
Suddenly, the staircase gave a groan and started swinging around. "Bollocks," mumbled Lily around a yawn. "I was really looking forward to a nice, comfortable bed."
James resisted the urge to copy her action. "I know what you mean. Between you, Quidditch and Potions labs with Sylvia, I could really use the rest."
The staircase shuddered to a halt and they quickly clambered up the last few steps. "Any idea where we are?"
James glanced about furtively. "I think we're on the other side of the library. Near the Hufflepuff wing, maybe."
"So that means we need to go… left?"
"Left," he confirmed, falling into step behind her again.
All was quiet for another few minutes, but just when James thought they were home free, he heard the pitter-patter of feline footsteps down the corridor.
In front of him, Lily froze. Above their steady, synchronized breathing, James could hear other, heavier footsteps. "What is it, my sweet?"
James leaned over as far as he dared and whispered very quietly, "Tapestry down the hall to your right. Step with your left foot. Now right. Now left…"
Painstakingly, they made it to the tapestry. "There's no way out," he told her quietly. "And no room to move around once we're in there- so the tapestry absolutely cannot move."
Lily nodded, and he felt her wriggling a bit to get her wand in her hand. Very quietly, she placed a Freezing Charm on the wall hanging.
Filch was only a few feet behind them now, and Mrs. Norris' nose was working quickly. Holding his breath, James followed Lily into the recess.
It was more cramped than he remembered from previous escapes, and he realized that that was because the last time he'd been cornered like this, he'd been thirteen and had a much scrawnier version of Sirius with him. There was barely enough room for the two of them- his back was only an inch or so from the wall, and Lily's nose was in the same predicament. They stayed that way, hardly daring to feel relieved, for an indeterminate period of time. Then James realized that his palms, settled securely around Lily's waist, were itching to move, and not to places he particularly wanted them to go. He shoved them in his pockets.
Lily must have taken this as a sign that it was okay to squirm about a bit, because she did so, somehow managing to turn her back to the wall with a minimum of physical injury to both parties. She cast a Silencing Charm. "This is cozy," she murmured, raising her eyebrows at him. "How'd you happen upon this place?"
"Oddly, nicking food with Sirius. Don't look like that, I know what you're thinking, and first of all, you're way off base. Second of all, ew. And lastly, we were thirteen."
"Bit defensive, aren't you," said Lily, with a grin he could hear.
James poked out his tongue at her. "Look, just because Remus and Sirius have chosen the path of wickedness doesn't mean I have!" And the reality of the fact that he'd just outed two of his best friends hit him over the head. "Oops."
There was a soft snicker in the dark. "Luckily for you, Sirius has already confessed that particular sin."
"And Remus?"
Silence. Then, "I'll put ten Sickles on Sirius cracking before Frank Longbottom does."
"No deal. Sirius has less patience than… than a very impatient thing," James improvised. Right then, he was rather too close to breaking, himself: it was getting awfully warm in their little alcove. There was precious little space between them, and it was supercharged with the intensity of her presence. Her hair was tickling his chin, and it took all of his willpower not to give in and bury his face in it. "Sometimes I think you know more about my friends than I do."
"Hey! They're my friends, too," she said playfully, then gave him a gentle shove.
James hit his head on the brick and lost his balance- his feet slipped out from under him, but in the tiny alcove they tangled with Lily's. He landed half-supported by the wall behind him, half by his feet braced against the opposite wall, with Lily flushed and breathless between his legs. So, partly addled by the blow to his head and more than a little distracted by her face centimeters from his own, he did what any sensible male would do: he leaned forward, raised a hand to her cheek…
"You've got a spot of chocolate right here," he whispered, moving his thumb over the offending blemish. Then he kissed her.
Her lips were moist and unresisting, and he swore that she was melting against him, making him whole, filling in the missing pieces. Her arms rested on his chest, her scent in his nose, her teeth nipping softly at his lower lip. Lily filled his senses, but he found his concentration focused elsewhere: his only thought was that something this perfect could only be right.
Of course, Lily would have to pull away and ruin it. James was in such a state of shock at himself at this point that he might have gone along with anything anyone asked of him, but he would immediately regret agreeing with what she proposed next. "Oops. I, um, forgot we were in an enclosed space. Sorry about the whole, the whole pushing and falling and kissing thing."
He felt for a minute that all of the life had been squeezed out of him, but if she was sorry, he had better be, too. "Right," he said, speaking around the fog in his brain and the lump in his throat. "Forget it. Let's get back to the dorm."
When he saw her at breakfast the next day, he merely asked her to pass the toast.
The three-quarter moon had risen in the enchanted ceiling by the time James and the rest of the stragglers filed into the Great Hall for the Halloween feast. Like the other 'support staff' for the evening's activities, he wore his everyday robes over his costume of choice. Each prefect pair had been assigned a different task, though on a rotational basis- the Ravenclaw seventh years and Remus, along with a few teachers, were on security detail, the Slytherin fifth-years were running the pumpkin-tossing contest. The sixth years had divided the scarecrow races, bobbing for apples, prize claiming and tug-of-war between them, and the remainder of the prefects were judging the carving contest. James and Lily had taken the responsibility of hosts of the haunted hayride, which took the students on a tour of "Dracula's castle."
He took a seat between Remus and Peter and grinned across the table at Sirius. "You must be about bursting with curiosity."
Sirius did, in fact, look like he might burst. He was bouncing up and down in his seat and giving Remus his best puppy-dog expression. "Please give me a hint!"
James took a bite of roast to hide the grin on his face, wondering how Remus kept from caving in. Glancing about the hall, though, it faded to a frown. Lily Evans had just walked in the room, talking animatedly with Severus Snape. He knew that Snape was her partner for their NEWT Potions class- James had been paired with Sylvia Peters- but he couldn't subdue the flash of jealousy. He'd been doing his best not to think about her since their unexpected kiss in the hallway, but he was failing miserably. He couldn't help but think that what he really needed was a good distraction. Reluctantly, he let it go and turned his attention momentarily back to his friends.
"Padfoot, even if I wanted to tell you, I couldn't. Lily devised a magical contract and made us sign it."
Sirius pouted. "Not even a little hint?"
Rolling his eyes a bit, James tuned them out. At the High Table, he could see that Dumbledore had taken to the occasion by dressing as a large tree, complete with a bird's nest in his long beard. Every now and again a bird would poke its head out and fly about the hall before returning to its hiding spot. He amused himself by contemplating the pandemonium if one of the birds could be convinced to unload on Snape's head.
As the feast drew to a close, the Headmaster stood and clapped his hands a few times; plates disappeared and his costume faded away, leaving him in lurid purple robes with orbiting planets. "If I could have your attention, please!"
There was absolute silence in the hall as the student body awaited his address. "Some of you may have noticed that this year's feast began an hour earlier than normal. This is because of a special treat your Head Students have prepared for you." James met Lily's eye from down the table (he convinced himself that his heart wasn't thudding loudly) and they both stood. "Miss Evans, Mr. Potter, I believe you and your staff have some last-minute preparations to see to. I will explain the rules to the rest of the students."
James was acutely aware of the attention of the students in the hall as he hurried out of the school. He waited for Lily on the steps by their enchanted 'buggy', which was in reality a large wooden box on wheels filled with bales of hay for somewhat more comfortable seating. In case of rain it could be covered quickly- Lily had jokingly called it a convertible. "Did you bring the makeup?" he asked as she hurried towards him, a small case under her arm.
Lily nodded and threw it towards him, throwing off her robes as she hurried to get ready. James' jaw nearly dropped in awe. Her costume for the evening's events was a low-cut peasant's dress that showed far more cleavage than she'd ever displayed before. He looked away quickly, feeling his face heat up, and removed his own robes.
Hearing a giggle, he turned towards her again. "You did not just have a cape like that lying around," she said with a grin.
He turned up his high red-silk collar and swirled the cape about him as flamboyantly as possible. "I had Mum do some shopping. Likewise about that dress- unless you've been holding out on me?" He winked.
She poked out her tongue. "Like it, do you? Mum and Dad went to the continent a few years ago on their second honeymoon and Mum decided she just had to have one of these. She's never worn it." Lily looked down at herself in what he guessed was a self-conscious fashion, a wry smile on her face. "Can't imagine why."
"Do you really think the lipstick is necessary?" he asked, opening her case and peering inside.
"Vampires have very dark lips. Everyone knows that."
"But I'm a boy," James whined, pouting. "Come on, I agreed to the blood and the cape and the weird suit thing and even the slicked-back hair… I feel like Snape. Do I really need to have the lips, too?"
"And vampire teeth," Lily reminded him mischievously, holding up a set of self-adhesive fake teeth so that he could bite into them. "You don't need help with the lipstick, do you? You know, liner and such might be very fetching on you."
James glowered, opening and closing his mouth a few times for practice, getting into character. "I'll remember zat if I ever decide I like boys." Reluctantly, he smeared the red paint on his lips. "Vot about you? Need some help?"
Lily was flipping through the small booklet she'd put in the case. "No, no. I'm just going to do a Fading Charm- that should make me seem victim-esque. But you'll have to help me with the blood-pop part- I've never used them like that before."
Taking two blood pops from his pocket, James conjured a small cup and some water, then swirled the candy into it, causing them to dissolve. In another minute he had a thick, red liquid ready, most of which he didn't really need. He dribbled a bit on his chin for effect before turning to Lily. "Tip your head sideways," he instructed her, leaning in close and trying not to let her nearness distract him. Under the Fading Charm, she was as pale as a ghost, skin almost gray beneath his fingers as he made two clear "bite marks" on her neck, dribbling some more of the solution down to her collarbone. He tapped his wand against her skin to perform a Concealment Charm- those marks shouldn't be visible until later. It was hard not to linger- she was so soft…
"Done," he admitted reluctantly, opening the coffin that lay near the front of the wagon. "You're all set to be my mindless mistress. I mean, assistant."
Lily shoved him back into the hay. "You wish."
"No, I like you much better with spirit," he said dryly, hiding his sincerity and trying to shake the debris from his hair. He imagined it must look very un-vampire-like. "Um, are the Thestrals harnessed properly and whatnot?" He wished Lily was still unable to see them.
She hopped off the side of the wagon and wandered around to the front. "They're alright. Anxious to go, though."
"Good. Me, too." James flicked his wand at the ground outside the wagon and a rotting wooden sign sprung out of the ground:
HAUNTED HAYRIDE
Take a tour of Dracula's haunted castle grounds, led by Duchess Fritzi von Lichtenstein.
COST: 2 TICKETS
He tucked his wand back into its sleeve holster and stepped over to the coffin. "Guess I'd better disappear before my loyal fans see me," he said cheekily, laying down in the box. "Make sure nobody steps on me, would you?"
"Off course," Lily replied, stroking the side of the coffin in a vacant way. "Rest vell." Then it was dark.
Lightly, Lily hopped down from the bed of the wagon. The sun was low on the horizon- the perfect time to start Halloween events- and all of the booths and games had been set up, waiting for the influx of students from the Great Hall to don their cloaks. She conjured a small ticket box next to the sign, adding a tricky little spell that would turn the left hand of those who put in their tickets blue for the duration of the hayride. With just a few moments before sunset, and thus the start of the festival, she took two black blankets from the back of the wagon and draped them over the Thestrals so that no one would walk into them.
When the sun sank into the west, the doors burst open and the grounds filled with students: eager first, second and third years followed more slowly by somewhat skeptical-looking older students. Lily noticed Gryffindor's fourth-year Beaters dragging their respective girlfriends towards the pumpkin-guts tug-of-war. She winced sympathetically at the thought of being covered in wet pumpkinseeds all night, then realized that a simple Cleaning Charm should sort them out.
She was still staring off at the two couples when she felt a tug on her wrist. A first-year with a completely blue hand said, "I can't reach."
Lily blinked, then realized that even she needed a bit of a running start to get up on the tall hayride. "Vell, ve can't haff zat." She waved her wand and transfigured the side of the wagon into a rickety-looking stepladder. "Vatch your step."
Before she knew it, the seats were all filled save for her own at the front, so she tacked a piece of parchment to James' sign:
Out for a ride. Back at 7:45. - Fritzi
She still thought Fritzi was a ridiculous name, but she'd made James wear makeup, so she supposed it was a small concession on her part. "Finite Incantatem," she said, pointing her wand at the wagon. The side panel sprung back into shape and she hoisted herself over it into the hay.
Most of her passengers were first or second years, but there were others scattered here and there, notably Alice Stockwell, who must have had the first shift break, and Frank Longbottom, who looked very cozy together. Lily cast a Sonorous Charm. "Guten Tag, meine Dame und Herren! If I could see your hands, please?"
There was some confusion at first, and then everyone held up a blue appendage. "Thank you. I am Duchess von Lichtenstein-" she couldn't bring herself to say Fritzi- "and I vill be your hostess this evenink. Ve must be very careful, because alzough Dracula has not been outside his castle in years, he always is strongest on All Hallow's Eve, and a vampire knows his territory vell. So, I must ask you to be very quiet vhen I tell you to."
She turned to the Thestrals and gathered the reins, setting them in motion. They knew the path well- it had been rehearsed, and could sense the wards that guarded it. She and James had spent much of the previous week awkwardly copy-pasting: they had duplicated a section of the Forbidden Forest's vegetation for the purpose of having the spookiness without the danger. The Thestrals pulled them toward that stretch of forest, and Lily saw a couple of the first years glance fearfully at each other.
"Ze lord of this castle has rigid control of his grounds. Few dare to come here without his permission." As the last of the sunlight vanished, tiny lamps set at the four corners of the wagon began to glow. "Even the verevolves are loyal to him."
"Werewolves?" said a skeptical second-year. "Yeah, right."
Exactly on cue, a haunting howl rose to their left. Lily kept her face serious. "Verevolves," she repeated.
The ride wore on and Lily managed to keep her audience on the edge of interested, if not quite scared. There were quite a few volunteers involved in parts of the haunted hayride- mostly seventh-year volunteers who could be trusted not to spill the beans to anyone.
The tour was nearing its completion after highly inventive stories about the gamekeeper's hut, disappearances in the woods, and the few failed vampire hunts undertaken by the oppressed people of the village. Lily could see that they were nearing the end of this section of forest and stood again to start her history of Dracula's castle. As they passed out into the open sky, they triggered a spell that caused lightning to fork in the sky. There was an ominous creak from somewhere inside the wagon. The little lamps sputtered and faded.
Three seconds later, when lightning flashed in the sky again, Lily let her head fall to the side. James was behind her, his false teeth on her neck, his wand in her back removing the Concealing Charm they'd placed on the blood lollipop solution. She did her best to fight the blush she could feel coming and merely moaned in what she hoped was an appropriate fashion.
To her immense satisfaction, there was a lot of collective screaming. Lily let herself fall to the floor.
James raised his hand and the light from the lamps grew again; most were too distracted by this display to notice Lily pointing her wand at them and muttering spells. "Velcome," said James, "to my humble abode."
The whole of the evening went off surprisingly well, Lily reflected after the last hayride was done two hours later. She still had about a half an hour left to explore the festival before everything was packed up and put away, so she cleaned off the blood lollipop as best she could and unharnessed the Thestrals.
There was loud whooping and cheering coming from the scarecrow races, so Lily headed off in that direction. Two teams- one Ravenclaw and one Hufflepuff- were furiously stuffing straw into a pair of overalls. Currently Hufflepuff were winning- they were already unfolding and stuffing red flannel shirt. This, too, got filled with straw before the head- a mid-sized pumpkin with a lopsided grin- could be attached. Then the whole thing was animated with magic and sent on a sort of obstacle course.
Though they had a bit of difficulty with the animation spell, Corpus animei, the Hufflepuffs were far enough ahead that it didn't matter. Their scarecrow hopped through the Muggle tyres almost gracefully before practically falling across the finish line, the animation having worn off.
Lily had just turned away from the scarecrow races when she felt something touch her shoulder. Looking up, she was surprised to see the Headmaster's phoenix perched on her shoulder.
"Hullo," she said warmly, reaching up to stroke his head. "I don't suppose you've come to join in the fun?"
Her question was answered when she encountered the note the bird was carrying.
Dear Miss Evans,
Please make your way up to my office at your earliest convenience. The password is 'blood pops.'
-Albus Dumbledore
Lily sighed. "I guess I won't get to enjoy the fair, after all," she commented to Fawkes, heading towards the castle. Despite her flippant tone, she couldn't help but think that something must have gone horribly wrong.
She was not amiss in her assumption, that much she could tell by the atmosphere in the Headmaster's office. The shades were drawn and the window shut, excluding any interference from the fair. Dumbledore himself looked very grave, and she paused for a moment on the threshold before he motioned her inside.
"Miss Evans, please have a seat."
She did so, squirming a little. Dumbledore didn't seem to be in any hurry, but that could mean a number of things.
After a length of time in which he sat and regarded her sadly, he spoke. "Miss Evans, words will always fail me in these situations, no matter how often I find myself in them, so I hope you will forgive me for speaking plainly."
Lily felt a chill run through her. "Sir?"
"Your parents have been tortured with magic, Miss Evans."
Sheer shock kept her from any immediate emotional response. Her parents, tortured? Absurd. They had no contact with the magical world, aside from her.
Her overwhelmed mind knew that that could only mean one thing, and she shied away from it. Shakily she managed, "Are… are they going to be okay?"
"They have been taken to St. Mungo's. Your mother is in stable condition- she is expected to make a full recovery." Dumbledore let out a deep sigh. "Your father is not so lucky."
He said 'is,' she told herself, clinging to whatever faint hope he offered. "How-" she was startled to find that she had to speak past a lump in her throat. "How is he?"
"He is not expected to live past the end of the month. You have my deepest condolences."
Though Dumbledore spoke gently, Lily finally felt the impact of his words. She slumped in her seat, her limbs not heeding her commands to cease trembling. Her father was going to die. He had loved her and supported her and been there for her for her whole life, and the one time he had needed her, she hadn't been there. She suddenly needed to see him more than anything else in the world.
She looked up at him at last, wondering for a moment why he'd gone blurry, and then realized that she had tears in her eyes that had yet to be shed. "I need to see him," she whispered.
The Headmaster nodded gravely. "Of course. I will have a Portkey ready for you first thing in the morning." He paused. "Would you like me to have someone escort you back to your dormitory?"
She shook her head. She felt a desperate, irrational need to talk to James- but she didn't want him to meet her like this. It could wait until she got back to their rooms. "No, thank you, sir. I think I just want to be alone for a little while."
"Of course."
It was the longest walk of her life. She barely had the presence of mind to remember to give the password to the suit of armor.
James' bedroom door was shut, but Lily supposed that she'd intruded on him enough times during the summer that he probably wasn't going to mind if she woke him, especially considering the circumstances. It wasn't so much that she wanted someone to talk to, but that she felt if she didn't tell James specifically she would burst.
So she pushed open the door as quietly as she could, noticing belatedly that the light was on.
When she finally realized what she was seeing, Lily closed the door and backed away as quickly as possible, one hand covering her mouth. For the second time in an hour, her heart seemed to constrict. She shut her eyes to keep the image out but it was burned onto her retinas; she retreated to her room and flung herself onto her bed, resigned. Before the first tear fell she had already promised herself that it was time to put her crush further behind her; James had quite obviously done just that- Sylvia Peters proved it.
It was lunchtime the next day before James found out why Lily hadn't been to class; the note tacked on to her door explained everything in tones just cold enough that he knew she'd withdrawn from him again. A week after Lily's return, he started seeing her less- just before bed and at Prefect meetings. He pretended not to notice- between studying for his NEWTs and snogging Syl, he oughtn't have had time to notice Lily avoiding him at all. But he did. A week after that, he stopped leaving his door open at night. He was certain Lily wouldn't come to him now even if she needed him.
That had been two weeks ago. They'd had two Prefect meetings in that time, and he and Syl had had three separate rows over Lily. She was too nosy. She flirted with him. She said nasty things about Syl to Marianne and Alice. James was frankly tired of it, especially considering he only spent about three hours a week with Lily.
If he'd had less restraint, he would have mouthed her words along with Sylvia- he'd heard them enough times. "I don't understand why you hang out with her. She's no fun."
"Look, Syl, give her a break. She's been specifically targeted by Voldemort, for God's sake." He didn't even have to devote any attention to what he was saying, he had said it so many times.
"I don't like the way she looks at me," Syl complained. That was a new one. "Like she thinks I'm some kind of filth."
"She does not," James protested. "She's a nice girl. Really."
Sylvia pouted, filled her eyes with crocodile tears and crossed her arms. "Sure. Take her side. Everyone knows I'm a slut anyway, right?"
James was about ready to wring her neck, but he bit his tongue. "Nobody thinks you're a slut, Syl," he lied. "Lily is just a little hard to get along with sometimes." That was either an understatement or a lie; James didn't know which.
"Well, you hang around with her enough."
"Lily is one of my friends. Besides, she's Head Girl. We share a bathroom, for crying out loud! There's not much I can do about it."
All he got for his argument was another ridiculous pout. "I don't like her. Besides, she hangs out with Severus Snape. You hate Snape."
This was a new low for her, James thought, and even though he knew she had mentioned it on purpose to rile him, he was getting angry. "He's her Potions partner, Sylvia. Just like I'm yours, only without the alleged benefits."
She ignored his snide comment. "I want you to stop being friends with her."
He almost swallowed his tongue. "What are you, five?" he asked before he could stop himself. "I hardly ever see her and we live together! Are you so insecure that you can't deal with that?"
"I'm your girlfriend and people are talking!" she protested. "Don't you even care-"
"No," he interrupted. "I don't care. I've had enough, Syl. It's over between us." The words took a seemingly huge weight off of his chest. "Can we get back to the Potions assignment now?"
Syl was looking at him in astonishment. "Can we talk about this?"
"No. I've let you push me around long enough. Forget the assignment; I'll do it myself." He stalked off down the corridor.
She made him so angry! He'd known from the beginning that she had no real interest in him as a person- she knew nothing about him aside from the fact that he was rich and popular, but that had been enough for her to deem him a "logical" match.
Further, he had to admit that some of his anger at her comments was because they were untrue- and he wished sorely that they were. He missed Lily's company, and trying to cover up her absence with Sylvia just made the difference that much more acute.
He stopped outside the library and leaned against the wall to get control of himself. When Lily got in from her study group tonight he'd tie her up if he had to in order to make her to talk to him properly again.
He was about ready to head back to his room when he heard voices around the corner. He hadn't meant to overhear, but there were certain words that could not be said in his earshot without his brain automatically paying attention, and the name Evans was one of them.
"He said the bloke cried like a baby. Real dignified." A snort. James stilled, unsure if his blood was freezing or boiling. "It's a wonder they didn't have to massacre half the filthy street. The broad, though, she was real quiet 'til they started going on about that Mudblood daughter of theirs- then she really got on her knees, you know. I guess that's the only reason she escaped with her sanity."
Filthy, derisive laughter. "No pride. Did Malfoy tell you anything else?"
"No, he had to head out on some Ministry business. Where's Snape, anyway? He'd better be here soon if he knows what's good for him."
James had heard enough. He came around the corner already swinging, landing a trio of blows with fists and elbows before any of the three Slytherins knew what was going on. His glasses fell off, or were broken; he couldn't see them but it didn't matter because he could smell them and hear them and feel them, and they were the reason that Lily had missed a week of classes and barely got out of bed and never spoke to him anymore and went around looking like life had no meaning. His anger gathered in his arms and his knees and his chest and he lashed out again and again, hardly feeling it when he was struck in return. Then someone was holding his arms and someone was pulling a knife and there was a terrible voice, two terrible voices, both repeating the same words-
"Petrificus totalus!" and they were all still, and he was still, until he could move his eyes enough to see, blearily, two people he never liked to see together.
Lily's expression was livid and he she looked as if she was nearly bursting with anger. "I thought you told me you had grown up," she said, and he didn't know whether he felt the way he did because she was angry and disappointed or because she hadn't even given him a chance. She cast the counter-curse and threw his glasses at him; he only just managed to catch them in his shock.
Beside her Snape simply looked down and sneered, then removed the spell from his classmates. "Put that away if you don't want to be expelled. Have you all got your books?"
"Lily, you don't understand- they were talking about- they were- they called you-"
"Expelled? He's the one who attacked us-"
"Oh, I'm sure they started it. Why do you always have to let your temper get the best of you?"
"And I'm sure everyone will see your side of the story once you explain why the knife was necessary, Nott," Snape put in smoothly. James' face flamed uncontrollably- he didn't need this would-be Death Eater to defend him- "Now get to the library before someone asks you what's going on and decides to back up the questions with some Veritaserum."
"If you would just let me explain-"
But Lily cut him off, watching Severus as the rest of the Slytherins beat a hasty retreat. "Go back to the dormitory- I'll deal with you later." With no other option presenting itself, he turned and did as he was told.
If he had been able to see himself, he would have noted that he looked almost as terrible as he felt. His face was pale and blotchy, his hair was flat on one side from where he'd buried it under his pillow, and his eyes were red behind crooked glasses. One of them was badly bruised, dried blood from his nose was smeared across his cheek, and his knuckles were raw and swollen. He waited for her later that evening in their study, not really taking in much of anything. When Lily strode in, mouth set in a firm line and shoulders rigid, he realized that he was exhausted. He wanted to give up.
"James Potter," she said grimly, "I absolutely cannot believe you. What did you think you were doing? You're lucky Severus said they didn't want to involve the Heads or even the board of governors- you could have been expelled-"
What was he supposed to tell her? 'Lucky I didn't get tortured like your parents?' He looked down, Syl's words from earlier that day coming unbidden to his memory. In the uncertainty, old habit took over. "So it's Severus now, is it?" he asked, a bit nastier than he'd intended. The look of injured fury on her face elicited a perverse mixture of sadistic pleasure and shame.
"As if it were a concern of yours!" she retorted haughtily. "Severus isn't who you think he is, and for that you should be grateful!"
Grateful! James thought. I saved his life! But he'd never told Lily that and this probably wasn't the time to bring it up. "He's not good for you- not good enough for you! I'm telling you, Lily, the guy is slime!" And he's the only reason I was stopped from hexing your parents' would-be killers into oblivion.
Lily's fists clenched. "Slime! What do you care? You've no right to go on about who I may or may not see- we've had one kiss, James Potter, one! As if you have the right to call him slime- he's just my lab partner, he hasn't asked me to marry him! Since September there has been a steady parade of girls past your bedroom door! Slime, indeed!"
"Those girls meant nothing to me!" James shouted. "Nothing, do you hear? And if they did, what's it to you? One kiss, Lily, like you said."
"What's it to me?" She spun to face him, red-faced. "Before school started you were all I had and now I can't even get a word in at breakfast! I haven't seen you in almost two weeks and we bloody share a bathroom!" A tear ran unnoticed down her nose and dripped silently onto the floor. James' stomach churned unpleasantly. Her parents had been tortured almost to the point of insanity and he hadn't been there for her. "I thought we were friends, but you've been avoiding me for a month! You won't look me in the eye and I can't even keep up with the girls you're dating and I miss you, alright! I want my friend back!"
"I've never gone anywhere!" he spat. "I just took a step back. What else could I do, Lily? In September you started treating me like a piece of meat to be devoured! You weren't stable! And then you decided you bloody wanted Snape! And I'm not the only one who's been making myself scarce around here! What was I supposed to do? Of course I've been pushing you away- I was trying to save our friendship!"
"Oh, how noble." Lily speared him with a glare. "I won't get into the subject of my lab partner again, James, but I will save you some trouble. As of this minute, you and I are no longer friends." She attempted to stalk off, but James yelled after her.
"Don't you dare walk out on me!"
Lily rounded on him again. "Why bloody not?" And paused, maybe noticing the train wreck, and the kicked-puppy look, both wretched and mixed with something so dirty and vulgar and twisted, so warped, that maybe it made her stomach lurch, but the moment passed and she pushed sadistically onward. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't leave right now and never speak to you again."
"Because I'm in love with you!" he shouted, hating the words for leaving his mouth instead of sticking in his throat. He was too ashamed to look at her and even if he had, he was too angry to see her properly. It took no time at all for the lies he'd so painstakingly built to come tumbling down around him, and then he was left with only painful silence and bitter truth. James stood his ground for an awful moment, not thinking or seeing or feeling, and then his brain caught up with his mouth and he slammed the door of his bedroom closed behind him, leaning wearily against it. He knew then that he was breaking, that he had broken, and that nothing would ever be the same.