Title: The Singing Scientist Sketch
Author: Everyone
Pairing: None
Category: Humor
Archive: If you actually want it, you can have it.
Feedback: Please! And thank you.
Disclaimer: Stargate:Atlantis and Monty Python's Flying Circus do not belong to me, and that's probably a good thing.
Summary: "All I ask is that you remove from our miserable world the incredible personage known as Doctor McKay."
A/N: Silliness inspired by seeing a production from the Broadway musical "Spam-a-lot" on the Tony Awards.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The first time John Sheppard met the Grand Vizier of Matamoras, the man had reminded him of a wolf. Now he seemed more like a panicked stoat, although John had to admit -- to himself at least -- that he had only the vaguest idea of what a stoat, panicked or otherwise, looked like.
"If you take him away, most esteemed visitor to our humble and unworthy planet, we will give you five bushels of katara fruit -- no, ten! Ten bushels of katara fruit, if you will leave and take the great and appalling Doctor McKay with you."
Sheppard felt his eyebrows trying to climb into his hairline. This was a surprising and unexpected turnaround from the man who, just a few hours ago, had threatened to have John hung by his toenails and pelted with motals, whatever they were.
The Grand Vizier misinterpreting the raised eyebrows, gabbled frantically, "Did I say ten? I meant fifteen bushels of katara fruit -- and a hliku-beast, nicely slaughtered and ready for cooking. All from the provisions of my own poor, inferior estate. All I ask is that you go through the Circle of the Gods back to whatever wondrous realm you came from, and that you remove from our miserable world the incredible personage known as Doctor McKay."
Sheppard's first instinct was to take the offer and get the hell out of Dodge -- or rather, Matamoras -- while they could. But he could almost hear Elizabeth Weir berating him for not making some attempt to patch things up and gain a trading partner, so he said, "Er, maybe we could set up a meeting to negotiate –"
"Two hliku-beasts!" the Grand Vizier practically shrieked. "A mating pair, the finest of my herd! Please, o gracious and beauteous lady," he turned to Teyla, "have mercy on this worthless son of a brelko. Your loquacious colleague need not exert himself further on your illustrious behalf. Please, I beg you, have mercy on my foolish and miserable self; inflict the merciless McKay on us no longer. Some of my less hardy citizens have already succumbed to the magniloquent maledictions that erupt from his amazing mouth."
"What did he do, snark at you?" John asked bemusedly, trying to unravel the elaborate speech of the Vizier.
"Oh, no, your supremacy, he wields the portentous power he calls 'snark' no longer. I gave him the fermented juice of the katara fruit, thinking to make him more pleasant, and now he – he –" The Grand Vizier put his face in his hands and moaned, "He sings!"
"You got him drunk and you're upset because he's singing?" Ford exclaimed.
The Vizier frowned at the laughter Ford was barely able to suppress.
"My people stand idle in the marketplace, o son of a great house. The victorious voice of Doctor McKay has mesmerized them. The melodies that issue from his astounding throat are like nothing we have ever heard, o prince of wisdom. And now the famous minstrel Flambodius, who has graced us for years with his exquisite harmonies, has left in great indignation."
"Well, what's he singing about that has you so upset?" asked Sheppard. Teyla looked at the Vizier with a mixture of suspicion and distaste, and wisely chose not to speak.
"Firstly, o most noble of travellers, the magnificent Doctor McKay sang of the wondrous land known as 'Finland'. That was not so bad. This 'Finland' sounds like a pleasant and restful place. Then he sang of a place called 'Camelot', where they eat ham, jam, and 'spam-a-lot'. But alas! Then he sang of the horrible 'Traffic Lights', and my people cried out in confusion. And now, I am told, he had drunk three -- three! -- flagons of fermented katara juice, and he sings the dreaded 'Song of Spam'. That is all that he sings now, over and over and over again. Your humble servant has personally heard him sing the 'Song of Spam', and it is terrible – terrible, I say!"
Ford had to put both hands over his mouth, and Sheppard choked on his suppressed laughter and started coughing. Teyla glared at them with evident disapproval and decided to take over the conversation.
"If you will lead us to Doctor McKay, we will remove both him and ourselves from your world."
The Vizier's face lit up.
"And we will be most pleased to accept your offer of fruit and livestock as a gesture of apology for the shameful way in which you have treated us. We came in peace, sir, looking for allies and trading partners, and you imprisoned us and threatened us with torture. If Doctor McKay has been harmed, we shall be very displeased. We may…" Teyla's mouth curved in a smile that could only be described as 'evil', "…we may have no choice but to leave him here…"
The Vizier's face turned white. "No! O no, most exquisite pearl of womanhood, o princess of mercy, no harm has come to Doctor McKay. He is very happy, o lady of infinite justice, merely very, very…inebriated."
"Three flagons, huh?" Sheppard said, finally getting control of himself. "Okay, lead the way to the drunk doctor."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
They heard McKay before they saw him, standing next to a pole in the middle of the marketplace. There was a crowd around him, and Sheppard was surprised to see expressions of fascinated horror on their faces.
"I've…" a wobbly tenor wafted over the silent crowd, "…got two legs from my hipsh to th' ground an', when I move 'em they walk around an', when I lift 'em they climb the shtairsh an', when I shave 'em they ain't got hairs, I've got two –"
"Rodney!" Sheppard yelled as one elderly spectator burst into tears in front of him. "Hey, Rodney, cut it out!"
A pregnant pause ensued, then, "Major?" McKay sounded utterly delighted, and as they pushed through the crowd, he stood up and spotted them. The huge smile on his face was scarier than the cheerful singing had been. He waved enthusiastically with both hands, nearly losing his balance. He weaved toward his team, only to be brought up short by the chain attached to a manacle around his ankle.
"Major! They have th' besht wine – ish like – like – I dunno, ish jush' good. 'S yummy. We gotta – we gotta get shome to take back home. Lish – listen –"
The Grand Vizier produced a key from somewhere in his robes and quickly freed McKay from his chains.
"What you doon?" the tipsy astrophysicist asked, transferring his attention to the Matamoran. "Get off – Major, make 'im shtop molsh – molesh – touching me!" McKay lost his balance while trying to tug his foot away and fell on top of the Grand Vizier, who was pressed to the ground with a muffled groan.
Ford stepped forward and grabbed McKay's flailing hands, pulling him upright and steadying him. The Vizier stayed on the ground, apparently feeling that he was safer there.
"Okay, we're going now. And I expect to see everything you promised at the Stargate first thing tomorrow morning, or we'll bring McKay back," Sheppard threatened.
"Yes, yes, kind sir, o paragon of generosity – ten bushels of katara fruit –"
"Fifteen bushels, you said, and a mating pair of – what was it?"
"Hliku-beasts, Major Sheppard," Teyla supplied. "The best of his personal herd." She turned to the Vizier. "Perhaps that will teach you not to threaten peaceful travelers. You were lucky today, Grand Vizier," she scolded. "The dreadful Doctor McKay was in a good mood. He could have sung to you –" she paused for effect, and Sheppard caught the surreptitious wink she gave him, "-- the 'Lumberjack Song'!"
Before he could ask her where she had heard that, McKay piped up, "Oh, I know that one – 'I'm a lumberjack an' I'm okay, I sleep all night an' I work all day –"
A collective wail rose up from the crowd, the Grand Vizier burst into tears, and two separate hands collided in an unsuccessful attempt to cover McKay's mouth. He lurched away from them and headed toward the Stargate, singing loudly and off-key and with a great deal more enthusiasm than necessary.
Sheppard looked around, shrugged, and set off after McKay, and moments later a second voice, only marginally less off-key than the first, but reciting the lyrics in correct order, drifted back.
"How do you know about the 'Lumberjack Song'?" Ford asked Teyla as they followed.
"Radek has been teaching me Earth culture. Those 'Flying Circus' men are very strange, but very funny."
"'Radek'?" Ford couldn't hide his surprise.
Teyla smiled mysteriously. "Radek is a very sweet man," she told him.
Rodney heard her and turned back, taking her hand in both of his. "Zlinky's a great guy, ver' shmart," he told her earnestly, "but don' let 'im break your heart."
"Oh, no, Doctor McKay. I will always look on the bright side of life."
The End