A/N: Hey all! This is my rendition of Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince, before I've read it.
Disclaimer: If this were my series I wouldn't be completely making fun of myself right now.
Manulus
"MANULUS!" screamed Draco Malfoy, chest heaving in fury. His mind raced as he toyed with the possibilities of using this spell on his archnemesis, Hermione Granger. He was practicing on some of his fellow Slytherins, but it didn't seem to be working. The spell, intended to sever one's hands, seemed to be having quite a different result. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING! MILLICENT! DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING DIFFERENT AT ALL? Any painful twinges at the wrist, perhaps? No? ... WHAT?"
"Yes.." said Millicent Bulstrode, a thuggish-like girl with sticky fingers.
"But that's impossible," replied Draco incredulously.
"Well, I've always wanted one.."
"Finite incantem."
"No! Oh, poo."
"I suppose it's not that bad of an effect. I wouldn't mind having the power to change one's sex at will," Draco mused, rubbing his hands together maniacally. "This might not be so bad, afterall."
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"HARRY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione cried.
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Draco trudged into the Great Hall, surrounded by cronies.
"Draco, when are we going to you-know-what to you-know-who? Because I don't know when," asked Pansy Parkinson, walking backwards before Draco and attempting unsuccessfully to speak in a hushed tone.
"Shut up, you ugly girl. You're going to give us away," he replied, swatting her away.
Narrowing her eyes, Pansy gritted her teeth and took her place again at Draco's side. They reached the Slytherin table and took their seats. Draco gazed up at the ceiling, watching the dark rain clouds gather. "The game's going to be canceled," he mumbled to himself. "Might be a nice time to act..." He looked over at the Gryffindors, searched for Hermione's face. Her beaver teeth and Einstein hair were conspicuously absent. Pansy, meanwhile, was pouring salt into Draco's coffee. He noticed her out of the corner of his eye and snapped, "Be gone, harlot!" before turning back to his meal. Pansy made a face and did the same.
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"Uh, Hermione? Have you gone mad?"
"HARRY! DON'T YOU DARE BITE YOUR NAILS! THEY'RE ALREADY ATROCIOUS AS IT IS! AND I JUST BUFFED THEM!"
"And for this you had to alarm the entire Common Room, screaming at the top of your lungs in slow motion, and lunge at me?"
"Well it worked, didn't it?"
"You are so crazy, Hermione," said Harry Potter with a grin.
"Yeah, Hermione. I bloody well thought You-Know-Who was lurking about," chimed in Rupert Grint. I mean Ron Weasely.
"Oh, Ron!" sighed Hermione. "By the way, we're missing lunch! What have you been doing in there, jerking off!"
"Bloody hell, alert the media!" Ron blushed profusely. "...Let's go get some food."
The trio ran down to the Great Hall, panting when they finally approached their table. Hermione looked up at the ceiling. "Looks like rain," she said. "The game's going to be canceled... I could get tons of reading done!" she said excitedly.
"Don't you have a life?" asked Parvati Patil, scooting aside to make room.
"No," answered Ron for her readily, grabbing a ham sandwich and shoving it into his mouth whole.
"Honestly! How do you not weigh a gagillion pounds?" she responded.
"Yeah. I work out." This response elicited a group sigh and complementary eye-roll.
"You, Ronald Weasely, are an imbecile," said Hermione with finality.
Ron shrugged. "Hey wait!" he shrieked and began to rise, his voice changing, as it dawned on him that he was just insulted.
"Oh hush, you know it's true."
He sat down resignedly. "Well you don't have to rub it in, now do you, you sycophantic lady."
Hermione closed her eyes and looked like she was searching her mind like a computer, eyelids fluterring all the while. ("Go Cyborg!" - Stewie Griffin). "A sycophant," she began finally, " is a servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people. I am nothing of the such."
"Touché," said Harry. "Anyway, oughtn't we be plotting Voldemort's demise?"
"OH NO, HARRY, NOT MORE DREAMS!" screamed Hermione, leaping over the table to feel Harry's forehead and incidentally poking his eye out. "Sorry..." she said, muttering a quick medical spell.
"Err, no, but what else have we to talk about if not Voldemort? We have no character development."
"Well I have books in place of that, and Ron has his temper. Don't you two talk about quidditch now and then?"
"But the author doesn't know anything about quidditch!"
"So think about quidditch..." Hermione said, and Harry, thinking about quidditch, remembered his omnoculars stashed upstairs that he hadn't touched in over a year.
"Right! Ron, come with me to get my omnoculars? I haven't touched those for ages!"
"I thought you went up to play with them last week," said Hermione.
Blushing, Harry replied, "Oh... err... um... Was that.. last week? Must have... slipped my mind."
"Tosser," she shouted after them as they dashed to the Gryffindor Common Room. Hermione, feeling that this fanfiction should get a move on, got up and rushed off to be a loner in the library, but since neither Harry nor Ron was around, no one cared.
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"Mudblood, Potty, and Weasel are here," noted Draco upon the three's arrival. "We must wait for Granger to be alone. They'll abandon her soon, and then she'll stalk off to the library."
"How do you know, Draco?" asked Crabbe or Goyle.
"Do not question me."
"Ok."
Draco wiped the corners of his mouth with his silk handkerchief, embroidered with the Malfoy family seal of the Dark Mark disguised as a black rose. He said a quick cleaning spell and shoved it back into his pocket, not once taking his eye off of the Gryffindor table. "They're on the prowl," he said when Harry and Ron raced out of the Hall. He watched as Hermione too excitedly rose and ran off. "To the library!" said Draco getting to his feet. But Crabbe and Goyle were still very much absorbed in their food, Pansy was still mutinous, and Draco wouldn't be left alone with Millicent, so he followed Hermione on his own, a smirk playing on his lips.
When he reached the library, Hermione was already there, sitting in a chair too stiff for comfort at a table in a far corner of the room. He sauntered elegantly over, easily concealing his excitement. "Well if it isn't the Mudblood," he said, lowering his voice for the last word so that Madame Pince, who was looking over some stacks of paper at a desk near the front of the room, would not overhear. "In the library. Who saw that coming?"
"Obviously you did, since you'd never step into a library of your own accord," she snubbed.
Draco glared, his top lip curling upward. "You are filth. How dare you talk to me this way?"
"FOR YOU INFORMATION, FERRET, IT WAS RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT ACTUALLY, MY MOTHER ISN'T JUST A DENTIST. IT WAS ALL AN ACT. I'M A HALF-BLOOD, AT LEAST. YOU'RE A WHORE."
"First and foremost, no matter what you say, if you speak in all capslock, you are wrong. So stop it" (- Nazimail). "Second of all, it is a noble profession. Third, it is awfully convenient that this was revealed to you just soon enough for you respond to my quip, and finally, contrary to popular belief, I am not of the rodent family."
"Could have fooled me, you bloody Wanker."
"I know you're just jealous of my devilish good looks."
"You're right. You know, what I'd really like to do is rape you right now, but I wouldn't want to get a sexually transmitted disease."
"Uhh..."
"My sarcasm has escaped you, I see."
"Do not insult my intelligence."
"You've intelligence?"
"Shut your mouth, Chipmunk, before I really get mad," said Draco, not used to people refusing his orders.
"Oh? And what'll happen then?"
"This! Manulus!" cried Draco, aiming for Hermione. Her eyes lit up as she realized she had no idea what she was in for. When she realized she had grown a penis, she shrieked violently, but since everyone was used to Hermione's overreactions, even Madame Pince ignored her. "MWAHAHAHA! HERM-APHRODITE!" he taunted.
"STUPEFY!" she screamed. Draco grew stiff as a board, and Hermione grew stiff as well. "I do want you." Hermione pointed her wand at Draco and chanted, "Wingardium Leviosa!" She then proceeded to the nearest broom closet with him, and had her way with him. "Why have I never realized it before? I love him." (Cue Bump and Grind). She raped him once more, and, ending the spell, ran out, knowing things would never be the same again.
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A/N: In case you haven't guessed, Hermione is the Halfblood Prince.