Chapter 23

(A/N): Interesting feedback that I received on the last chapter. Hopefully this one is more up to par.

Just a note to you all- yes, Nina Potter and Lily have a few things in common… As for the whole "Amazing Grace" thing… I'm not sure if that really worked there. Just a personal opinion.

A note to jchen8910: I do agree with you that we should try to stick the facts laid out by J.K. Rowling the best way possible, and I do try to do so, but there are occasional slip-ups, I'm sure you'll find. In McGonagall's words, she had said the Sirius was one of the wittier people in the group. She never said, however, that Lily wasn't… Hagrid had once said that both James and Lily were Head Boy and Girl of their time, and a prerequisite of that would naturally be… a display of intellectual depth, I suppose. You seem to have concerns about the way I portray Sirius- I suppose that could be done better. But you'll find later that all the characters have something more than their surface exterior… James's conversation with Remus at the beginning of Chapter 21 was something of a hint. As for James's lack of participation in all the pranks… I didn't want the story to be all about the pranks. I don't like to sporadically include them in a story when there's a lull in the plot just to hang onto a few readers- somehow, it just doesn't fit. But I suppose you have a point that he's excluding himself purposely. Thanks for pointing that out- I'll consider it in the future.

I noticed that I forgot the disclaimer in the last chapter… terribly sorry. I'm sure J.K. Rowling won't sue me, though- I don't have that much to give.

Thanks for all the reviews!

Disclaimer: I own the plot. (That's really more of a claimer, isn't it?)

As the first few threads of sunlight reached past the filtering windows and drapes, Lily watched as the sun splashed its golden light across her bedspread, giving the satin sheets a warm glow. Having long since woken up, she was sitting propped up against her pillows in a crossed-legged position, a box of keepsakes, photographs, paraphernalia, and memorabilia to her right, and a thick stack of letters to her left. Just the familiar postage on the letters (her parents never did get around to buying any interesting stamps, to her childhood distaste, in great comparison to their neighbors' color-splayed stamps depicting Birds of Paradise, model cars, and land and seascapes… now it just made her sigh at the distinctness of it all in her memory) sent her reeling back in homesickness.

She remembered vaguely why she had left a day early- she had intended to stay the entire weekend, but her father's sister, whom she had met for the first time in her life, had insisted that she return to her school, which, to her, appeared to be a safer haven. And while this sufficed to her as an answer, she never got around to asking her Head Student counterpart why he had returned earlier than anticipated. After the brief conversation the two had held, they had walked into the Great Hall without exchanging any more words with each other.

Slowly sliding off her bed and unnecessarily smoothing it, she returned the box and letters to their place in her trunk under the four-poster bed. Glancing in the mirror as she passed it ("Go 'ack ta 'ed… too early for primping…") and nodding with satisfaction at her reflection while giving her ponytail a tug and straightening her cream colored turtleneck, she grabbed a light jacket and left the room. No reason to risk appearing blotchy-eyed in front of her peers and teachers.

Taking in a deep breath, she waited for some direction as to where to go. It was still early, only six-thirty in the morning, as her wristwatch told her. A brief glance outside the Common Room window and she could see the sun beginning to rise, reaching up to touch upon the towers of Hogwarts. Deciding to give the Astronomy Tower a visit- she hadn't been there since third year, when she had replaced Astronomy with Arithmetic as an elective-, she began walking up the steps leading to the stone-built tower.

As she walked past the large stone archway entrance to the tower, she caught a brief glimpse of the sun rising just beyond the trees. Breathtaking, she decided, as she walked up to the ledge for a better view. Her father had always enjoyed camping, and on many occasions had roused the family from their sleep to watch the sunrise or have them all stop their daily routine to admire the sunset. She, inheriting her grandmother's pragmatism, had missed the point in it all until now, as if the sun, as well as melting some of the previous days' snow, began to chip away the frost that had spread across her heart. Smiling, she closed her eyes, inclining her head towards the direction of the sun, as a wave of warmth washed over her.

"Sorry, am I intruding?"

Pulled out of her reverie, Lily turned to see James Potter. "What are you doing here?" She slid off the ledge, frowning. While she had a newfound interest in rising to meet the sun, she wondered what his excuse was.

"My book," he murmured, gesturing at the ledge, towards a blue hardcover book lying by her. "I left it here when I came up last night."

Picking it up from its place, she quickly read the title. "Great Expectations," she read out loud, arching a brow as she met his eyes. "Interesting."

Taking the book from her, he seemed to swallow a breath, biting down a few choice words and replying stiffly- trying to mask the bitterness in his voice-, "It was my mother's favorite. Anything by Dickens, actually. Depressing yet inspiring, she called it."

"I'm… sorry," she replied softly, letting her hand brush lightly over his as she passed the book to him. "I'm sure… it must sound insincere by now, but… It doesn't change the fact that I truly am sorry." Pausing to take a breath, she forced herself to look him in the eye. When she did, there was an expression there she had grown accustomed to herself- regret hidden behind a fine polish of bitterness. The intensity of the moment forced her to inhale sharply again. "You know you never did… tell me what… what really happened… when you went home."

His brow shot up in surprise, as he clearly had not anticipated the directness of her question. Seeing his clearly perplexed look, she took a step back, apologies forming on her lips when he finally replied. "It's alright, I just wasn't… expecting that." Letting out a short laugh, he said, "Most people have a tendency to avoid the subject like the plague, though I have no idea how everyone found out so quickly."

"Not everyone," she replied. "Just people intelligent enough to put two and two together. Did you really think the reporters would overlook the death of the Minister of Magic's wife?" Sighing, she shrugged, looking up at him. "Why didn't you tell me what your father did?"

"Didn't think it was necessary," he answered shortly. "I've lived my life surrounded by that world… His world. I didn't want to bring that with me into my schooling. Though I'm surprised you hadn't figured it out sooner from the Daily Prophet. Sirius himself told me the resemblance was uncanny."

"And yet," she said carefully, "you never told him, either."

"Sirius was the son of family friends, but I never truly knew him until I came here," James replied. "I figured that if he hadn't figured it out already, there was no use in ruining a friendship with my father's celebrity. Remus… well, I suppose he always suspected something, but knew enough to never ask straight out."

"How was she?" Lily probed gently. "Not too painful, I hope?"

"Painful?" James laughed without much conviction. "Is there such a thing as a painless death?"

"I'm sorry," she amended quickly. "I shouldn't have asked. That was inconsiderate of me-"

"Stop apologizing," he snapped, as she quieted immediately. She looked so stricken, almost hurt, that he had the sudden urge to apologize himself, curse himself for his lack of tact. She was chewing her lip in thought, carefully avoiding his eyes. He felt a stab of annoyance that she would fall into the routine of avoidance even his friends followed. "Hey," he murmured softly, tilting her face towards him. "I'm sorry, all right? I just… I don't need everyone feeling sorry for me all the time. It's bad enough as it is without drowning in pity from others. Don't tell me you didn't feel the same when…"

Jerking out of his grasp, she nodded slightly. "How do you do it?" she asked. At the quizzical look that passed his face, she elaborated, "How do you go on without a backward glance? I'm still trying to get over it and you…"

"We're different people," he answered, setting his jaw as he looked away and leaned against the stone wall. Giving her a weary glance, he continued, "In any case, I've had more time to adjust to it than you. I've known she was dying. You… everything hit you at once."

"Still, I can't shake the feeling," she said softly. "I've said my goodbyes, I've returned to a somewhat normal daily routine, I've found that life goes on… Yet when I wake up, I still feel as though I'm missing something. How do you go on, even after all this time?"

James sighed, closing his eyes, his fingers tightening on his book. "It does get easier, though, doesn't it? My father… he never said a word to me after he left the room. I just… I don't want to believe he's heartless, but you would think he'd at least…" As he tried to finish his sentence, he found his mouth run dry.

"You do still have your father, though," Lily answered, shaking her head. "I don't see how you can't deal with this together. I just find it so hard to understand how anyone can simply just throw away that kind of…"

"I understand," he murmured. "Really, I do. I'm sure you're wondering how I could even think of everything that's lacking in my relationship with my father, and I don't expect you to understand it. But try to see it from my view… I grew up in my father's shadow. And more than that, he was the one who tried to push me out of it, pushing me to excel, to exceed the limits. But despite that, he was never really a father to me. He was always so distant… like a stranger, almost. I never… I never reached out to him when I needed someone, and he never turned to talk to me. I never really…"

"I do understand," she replied, giving him a small, reassuring smile. "Have a little faith in me, would you? I'm not so completely ignorant of you background. In fact, it really explains a lot about the way you've acted the past seven years I've known you. Makes you less of an enigma."

James opened his eyes to catch a glimpse of her expression. It was somewhat bitter. "Pity it took something of this magnitude for us to open our eyes, isn't it?" he said, not really looking for an answer. Walking the short distance between them, he joined her by the ledge. Gesturing at the lands below, he said softly, "You know, in all my years here, I never did get around to just sitting back to admire the scenery. I was always too busy with studying or working to…" Lily laughed at this, and he frowned. "What?"

"Nothing," she waved dismissively. "It's just…" she shrugged. "I never pegged you as the type to be too busy studying or doing you duties as a student. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I always accused you of truancy, and never understood how you could get such high marks when they came around. I never… believed you deserved your status as Head Boy."

"You still don't, do you?" James asked. "You think I can't handle these situations as well as I should, and I don't study as much as I should. Is that it?"

Lily took in a breath sharply again, taking a step to distance them. "Your accusation rankles, really. Don't put words in my mouth. While I do admit that yes, at the beginning of the year, I believed you to be negligent to your duties, I'm not as vindictive and petty as you think… I do allow for second impressions."

James sighed. "Never mind, it doesn't really matter, I suppose. I just… I don't want you to think that I'm a slacker in all aspects. You were always telling me of all your accomplishments that it made me feel so… insignificant in comparison. Why did you do that, give me your résumé every time the words 'duty' or 'accomplishments' came up?"

She paused, thinking of an answer. At last, she replied, "I wanted you to think that I was good at my job."

"I do."

Lily laughed softly. "I thought it was unfair, how you were so instantly popular with everyone. The teachers liked you; the students respected you… For your charisma, for your personality. You never had to work for it. I did- and that always made me a little bitter. I've seen you at the meetings. They hang onto your every word; they listen. I just nod along to whatever they say. All the respect I've earned… it's from pushing myself up to the top. You never had to do that. Why?"

"How did we get to this?" James asked softly, turning to meet her eyes. "We were talking about my mother, and somehow, we managed to steer the conversation to our duties to the school."

"How did we go from two strangers to complete adversaries?" Lily answered. "I suppose it's a habit… a dance, if you will. One step forward, two steps back."

James laughed, before his expression sobered. "Would you say we're taking a step forward, then?"

"I'd say this was the calm before the storm," she whispered, before wrenching her gaze away from his. She could never understand why she let him have that effect on her. It was unnerving, in ways.

Frowning, James moved away, towards the arched entrance. Sighing, he paused and turned back. "Happy Valentine's Day, Lily," he murmured softly, before disappearing completely through the archway.

Sirius Black tapped his quill against his parchment in thought.

Clearly, something was on his friend's mind. Ignoring the professor's instructions on the precise way to brew and stir the Bottling Potion in comparison to the Stemming Potion, he cast a sidelong glance at the friend in question, who was assiduously taking notes all the while, a small frown accompanied with a grim expression paining his face, continuously dipping his quill in the inkwell in front of him, careful not to let a single drop stain the desk or smudge his fingers.

It seemed strange, though, how the two of them could pick up on each other's moods so instantaneously, after all this time- any other person might guess James was simply too engrossed in the Professor's words to pay attention to anything else, but Sirius knew him too well to think that. His friend rarely paid attention at classes- he had either learned it all already, arranged for someone else to take notes for him, or intended to read it in the textbook later. And Sirius knew that this lesson was one James had already gone through extensively in first year, while they were picking out pranks to test on the Slytherins. The only times his friend had ever truly listened in class beyond the first ten minutes of the lecture were when he had something serious on his mind, or when he was hoping to find extra information in a subject he truly was interested in… specifically, when McGonagall had gone through animagi processes. Now, however, he was not only listening, he was taking notes. Accurate notes. Sirius frowned.

However, he reasoned, it wasn't as if James hadn't reason to be in some state of distress. With the stress from the death of his mother, he now had whispers and eyes following him everywhere, rumors running rampant. It was a well-known fact that James was rich. Despite his attempts at keeping it a secret, everyone had always known about his wealth- to James's deep chagrin. Yet now, the full story was out: He was the Minister of Magic's son. Of course there had been rumors before, especially over Christmas breaks, as someone would always think James's father had something of an uncanny resemblance to the Minister, but they had always been dismissed in favor of something else. Now, though, everyone had seen it in bold print in the Daily Prophet:

"Minister of Magic, James Potter, has announced the passing of his wife, Nina Potter, over the weekend, dying of a disease in her blood that doctors failed to recognize and accurately diagnose until too late. Nina Potter was known to her friends as a vivacious, lively, caring person, and often accompanied the Minister on his tours around the wizarding world. 'She would have wanted us to remember her as she was alive,' the Minister said to one of our reporters, 'Nina was that kind of person. To celebrate her life, not to mourn her death.' While we attempted to contact the Minister's son, James Potter, we were told that he had, while at home in time to witness his mother's death, had returned to his schooling at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where he holds the prestigious position of Head Boy. Hogwarts is run by Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, known well for his services in the war against the Dark Arts during the times when Grindewald was at the height of his power. We have been in contact with the Minister and Professor Dumbledore, and they have asked us to refrain from any questioning of the Minister's son for the time being. We were told by the Headmaster, 'James is an excellent student here at Hogwarts, and we are proud to have him enrolled here. However, given the recent turn of events and his personal ties to it, we ask you all to please allow him privacy in his time of grief. We understand that you may wish to extend your sympathies or interview him, but please remember his needs and what is best for him at this time. While we believe James will recover from this eventually, we wish to give him the privacy we ensured him when he first enrolled here.' The Minister himself had not much to comment upon the subject of his son nor the memory of his wife, but expressed his wishes that the press leave the Potter family and the extended family on his wife's side away from the papers after running this story. The other members of his family include familiar names and faces as well, such as his brother-in-law, the famed Quidditch star, Thomas Ladend, his sister-in-law, the wife of the French Ambassador of Wizardry, Sara DuChamps, his cousin, the heiress to the Stratfordin fortune, Eliza Stratfordin and his sister, designer of her own line of clothing popular with many of today's celebrities of the wizarding world, as well as the co-founder of the 'K&S: Kismet and Serendipity' magazine, a popular read for many of the female young adult and teen audiences, featuring fashion tips, updates on major current events, and advice columns, as well. She has herself not run any major articles regarding her sister-in-law's death in her magazine, and, along with the rest of the family, requested the press to refrain from publicizing it. She told us, 'My sister-in-law was a good person, we considered ourselves sisters in all aspects of the word. This being said, my brother and I ask for you [the press] to stop regarding this as your latest news story or sordid society scandal. It was a deep loss for the close family of Nina Ladend Potter, particularly difficult for her son, James and my brother, the senior James Potter. While we appreciate all the kind gestures, please leave our family alone- my brother has enough on his mind as it is without having to run press conferences and the like. Please give us the privacy we have requested and don't cause them all more grief by bringing the subject up further…' We at The Daily Prophet are glad to oblige and extend our sincerest sympathies to the family. Nina Potter's funeral service will be held privately, this coming Saturday morning, to which all the above listed family will attend, as well as a few of Nina Potter's closest friends…"

Sirius sighed, remembering how angry James had been, storming away with the article in one hand and his mother's copy of Great Expectations in the other. James had once told him that it had been his mother's favorite Dickens classic as a child, and still read it in hard times. It appeared that his friend had adopted the habit. "There's hardly two sentences in here about my mother," James had said angrily after reading it. "All it does is talk about my family and what they're famous for. What kind of reporters are they if they consider a family death the business of the entire wizarding world? What kind of newspaper are they running, anyway? Haven't they ever heard of privacy, after all they've said about listening to the family's wishes? I swear, one day…" For a fleeting second, Sirius had thought James was capable of murder, and had quickly dismissed his question about why he had never told them about his family as James stormed away, presumably to the Astronomy Tower or the Quidditch pitch.

When he had disappeared again in the morning, Sirius and the rest had no idea what to make of it, a blunt note on James's pillow saying to "bloody-well leave me alone" and that he wasn't sure whether or not he'd return to classes for the day. Thorough as always, James had charmed the note with an anti-tracking spell and had brought the Marauder's Map along with him. Yet when he walked into Potions class, Sirius was surprised to see James already there, scribbling away to solve the Potions formula equation the professor had scrawled on the board.

Next to him, James paused for a millisecond- not even a heartbeat- in his note taking to glance behind him, as if trying to locate something. An expression Sirius hadn't quite caught flickered in his eyes before his eyes turned downcast to his notes, his expression even more grim than before.

Lily, sitting in the back of the Potions class, chewed her lip in thought for a moment, the feather light touch of her quill upon her cheek as she did so.

For a moment, she had thought she had seen James turn his head- a fraction of a movement as he angled his face slightly towards the back of the room, as if searching for something. Almost immediately afterward, he turned his head back to face the professor and resumed to taking notes.

Something must have been wrong, she calculated, for him to be taking notes. In their seven years at Hogwarts, she had only seen him pay attention to class a handful of times- the first few weeks in first year, before he realized he already learned the material, sometime in third or fourth year, while they were covering lycanthropes in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and the whole of fourth and fifth year, on the Animagi unit. And, of course, towards the start of winter break this year, before his father had come to the school. It was a habit, she realized, for him to throw himself into his studies in times of trouble.

While the professor continued singing the praises of thyme and nutmeg when mixed together, she quickly recalled their earlier conversation.

"It's alright, I just wasn't… expecting that." Letting out a short laugh, he said, "Most people have a tendency to avoid the subject like the plague, though I have no idea how everyone found out so quickly."

"Not everyone," she replied. "Just people intelligent enough to put two and two together. Did you really think the reporters would overlook the death of the Minister of Magic's wife?" Sighing, she shrugged, looking up at him. "Why didn't you tell me what your father did?"

"Didn't think it was necessary," he answered shortly. "I've lived my life surrounded by that world… His world. I didn't want to bring that with me into my schooling. Though I'm surprised you hadn't figured it out sooner from the Daily Prophet. Sirius himself told me the resemblance was uncanny."

"And yet," she said carefully, "you never told him, either."

Sighing, she found herself understanding, in some respects, why he had kept quiet regarding his family. She didn't understand, though, how anyone could have missed such obvious hints. She had even noted that the Minister of Magic had the same name, but then, it was a rather common name. When she had heard his family worked closely with the Ministry, she had assumed they were aurors… At the moment, she felt rather dense and oblivious to the facts, along with everyone else, unassuming and unaware until it was there in black and white before them. Not only that, but she hadn't realized James's close ties to other important figures- and once more felt sharp understanding at James's actions and blunt anger at herself for never recognizing it… How could she have missed such obvious resemblance?

But then, she countered, from his view, he must be angry the Daily Prophet would run such a story. It had seemed to report more on the family than Nina Potter. In any case, it didn't seem fair that they would consider it a news story without consent from immediate family. In his place, she would have called for a retraction.

But you're not him, she told herself, wondering why she even sympathized with her tormentor of seven years. Yet even she couldn't be as cruel as to hold such a petty grudge in times like these- after all, he had been kind enough to her when she had recovered from the initial shock of the news of her own parents' deaths. Kind, being, of course, a break from the usual 'no-escape' type pranks.

Shaking her head, she turned her attention back to the Professor, now discussing the Potions formula and the multiple equations used to solve it, as Gurney Bluderbop had used to discover the Bottling Potion.

James frowned, staring only at his notes and his professor. Anywhere else and he would find a questioning gaze in his direction, a few whispers mood. He must have seen the questioning looks and giggles responding with cold indifference, before they turned their attention to the lesson.

Yet he couldn't help but chance a look towards the back of the room. In his mind, he quickly calculated that of the fifty students in the room, a result of the mixture of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, at least thirty of them knew him personally, and would often stop to talk to him while they passed each other in the hallways. Of those thirty, he knew that at least two thirds subscribed to the Daily Prophet, and they, surely, were bound to show interesting stories to friends. And, of course, there he was, on the tongues of the student population again, simply because a newspaper reporter had stuck their nose in his family's private life… "Deepest sympathies, my arse," he muttered under his breath, remembering the particular article he had read the night before, sickening him to unbelievable extents.

"You say something, mate?" Sirius gave him a quick, calculating, glance, before returning to his notes as he shook his head the negative.

Sighing, James tore off a second roll of parchment and stuffed it with the rest of his notes in a pile at the corner of his desk, wondering why the school never issued simply notebook paper, in place of the rough, stiff, parchment. Because it's rough, stiff parchment, he thought with grim irony. Hogwarts had never been one for technological- or even general- advances, such as electricity or regular paper. Like the dark ages, it was. Of course, the only reason he knew of the muggle works such as electricity and their inventions was because of his mother and her incessant need for him to "understand" everything.

Somehow, he felt angry, as though it were all unfair that they would expect so much of him, while he was just seventeen- he wanted to live a little first. And however his mother had told him what they had meant in making him understand, he knew it was contradictory of what his father wanted: a younger version of himself to do all the things in life he had never done himself.

Useless, he thought, to weep about all the things that had gone wrong in their father/son relationship. Thinking of Evans, he frowned. He, at least, had a father/son relationship to weep about. She had lost both parents, who had obviously been more supportive and involved in her life than his own had ever- would ever- been.

"This is pointless," he muttered under his breath again, snapping his textbook shut and stuffing it all in his bag. Without another word, he walked out of the classroom, under the watchful gaze of forty-nine pairs of eyes.

Lily glanced up in surprise from her seat at the small round table that seated two people. It was painted white, with chairs that came with a whimsical design of ivy to complement it. The table was set for two, though it could easily seat four and was only seating one. The tablecloth, Lily noted, was a vibrant pink, and crossed out the feature on her clipboard as she looked up. "Hi," she said without much warmth as James seated himself in the chair across from her. "Didn't think you'd show for this after that little display in Potions."

James arched a brow at "little display". Choosing to ignore it, he nodded at the pear half she was holding in her left hand, and the clipboard in her right. "Catching up on lunch?"

"Oh!" She quickly wiped her mouth of the non-existent pear juice and set it down on her plate. "Didn't I tell you? The caterers wanted our last minute opinion on the snacks and the table décor. Pear?" She slid the plate towards him.

"No, thanks," he murmured, looking over her checklist. Glancing up, he noticed her staring at him with an expression as though she had a question and were unsure of whether or not to ask. "Anything I can help you with, Evans?"

Archly, he heard her snort in disgust and mutter something under her breath. It sounded something like, "So it's Evans now, then?" Giving him another hesitant look, she chewed the inside of her cheek. "Well… I was just a little curious… How did you hide it from the rest of us about your family? I mean, they're all pretty high profile in the wizarding world, and well…"

"Is that all everyone cares about?" he snapped. "My family?"

From his angle, he saw her give him a somewhat half-skeptical half-disbelieving look. She drew a sharp breath before letting it out and snapping, "Get over it, Potter, I'm not stepping on eggshells with you anymore." Setting down her clipboard, she directed at him, "Look, I realize we've come to a… an agreement, of sorts, I suppose as to not… make each other's lives miserable anymore, I guess you could say. And yes, I'm grateful that you haven't been as horrible as you have been in the past and I appreciate it, but right now, I apologize if I'm not quite sympathetic. You obviously don't want it, and I won't waste my breath stammering apologies to you. I realize this may be horrible timing for you, what with everything unraveling right now, but I just need to know."

James sighed before smiling ruefully. "I always wondered why they made you Head Girl," he said, a twist of irony in his voice. "I used to think you didn't have the conviction or backbone to ask for what you wanted- it always seemed like a façade of false bravado. I guess I was wrong." Coughing, his eye glazed over. "My father wanted me to not be singled out by the students, and since very few of them read the Daily Prophet, no one really suspected anything. There was speculation, but besides the usual gossip, between the Professors and Dumbledore, occasional intervention of my father, they all kept it hushed up. But now… well, most of the class subscribes to some paper, and they couldn't just let this one go without mentioning me. So…"

Lily nodded fractionally, before turning abruptly back to her clipboard, muttering, "One step forward, two steps back." Looking up, she gave him a weak smile. "Thanks for answering. I know how hard it can be," she seemed to slide back into her strictly professional mode again. "So… what do you think for the tablecloths? Vibrant pink, yay or nay?

Chuckling, he shook his head the negative, "Nay. I opt for the cream colored ones… Both the off-white cream and the pinkish color work, I suppose. As for the carnations… Red, white, and pink seem to work."

"And the snacks?" Lily gestured at the pears and other dishes. "We're supposed to pick thirty of the hundred here… And I can hardly remember how half of them taste."

James smirked. "Now there, I can help you…"

Peter wrinkled his nose. "What is this, the sixteenth one of its kind?" Lifting the fork to his mouth, he made a face. "Cranberry. I think it's even worse than the plum-flavored one."

Lily laughed as she took the plate of pie from him. "Alright, then… Good thing it wasn't apricot. You should have told me you were allergic."

"You don't get apricot pie very often these days," Peter defended himself. "And they can't seem to differentiate the colors aside from slightly darker shades of red… how was I supposed to know it would trigger a reaction?"

"Alright, Wormtail, we'll keep it in mind to leave you out of the recipes with apricot in them," Remus nodded, as he test-tasted a large parfait. Brushing it off and sliding it away, he noted to James, "Too much whipped cream, it feels like melted butter in my mouth."

James nodded slightly, crossing the item off the list of desserts, making a small note next to it. Food had never been his mother's forte, unlike Sirius and Evans's mothers… Nina Potter had never been known for her skills in culinary arts, and, luckily, his father had realized it early off and had hired a cook for them, who had worked with the Potter family until she died, the house-elves now in her place. Stop it, he told himself. How can food even remind you of her?

"Potter?" Lily waved a hand in front of him. "Did you hear that?"

Stirred, he shook his head, "I'm sorry, what?"

"I just asked you if we should keep on the dishes with nuts," she said, a quizzical expression on her face. "You know, since a lot of the students are allergic to them? Are you sure you're alright?"

Waving a hand dismissively, James nodded, getting up. "Yeah, sure. I, er, have to get going, Evans. Herbology essay due next week, I need to… do some research."

Ignoring her protests at his retreating back that she had Herbology with him and they were never assigned an essay, he walked quickly outside, with no directional sense, letting his feet guide him for once, as they broke into a run once he stepped outside. He passed more than one startled professor as he ran past them, barricading into Professor Flitwick and Professor Sprout discussing Anti-Freezing Charms and throwing a short apology behind his back. By the time he reached the doors leading to the Quidditch Pitch, he was already exhausted, yet he felt the need to keep up the running pace, the cool air a relief against his face. Leaning against the post of one of the goals, he looked up wearily.

It was painted red and gold, in preparation for the upcoming match in two weeks, towering above him ominously, as testimony that life would go on with or without him. The cold metal on his back was biting cold, yet he didn't flinch. His short breaths evaporating before him, he slid down, until he was almost sitting in the snow, a clammy hand on the post. "What am I doing?" he asked, closing his eyes in exhaustion, his head leaning backwards.

No one answered.

Drawing her hand away from the curtain and walking away from the window, Lily crossed her arms and shivered, the sweater not enough to keep her warm. "And you say he goes out there whenever something's bothering him?"

"Don't worry about it, Lily," Remus said, coming up behind her. "James has always been a little… short with us. Just leave him out there- he needs it. You understand, don't you?"

Letting out a short breath, she looked up. "What is it that you're not telling me, Remus? I can hear it in your voice. You know something, don't you?"

Raising his hands apologetically, he gave her a smile. "Sorry, I've got nothing to hide, Lily. You know all of my secrets. I just… like to speculate certain things. And right now, my guess is… Well, James only leaves people out when he cares about them. He doesn't think it's fair to load his troubles on them. Yet we were close enough to him to get him to tell us some of the things he's never told us before after this… ordeal, suffice to say- so I suppose he's fine with sharing the burden a bit as he's known us for so long. But with you… it seems like he told you everything. So he either views you as a complete stranger or… he cares a great deal more about you than he lets on." At her intake of breath again, he tilted his head. "Just speculation, Lils. I could be wrong."

Lily turned to look at him. "Listen, Remus, I appreciate your 'speculation', but I just… don't think you're right."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," he scoffed sarcastically, his eyes softening the edge of his words. "Really, though, Lily. James isn't that hard to figure out; you just have to look beyond the façade he's put up as defenses. You'd have to understand- he wasn't raised to wear his heart on his sleeve, but after you get around all that, he's quite willing to tell what's on his mind."

"I'd kill to know what he was thinking, sometimes," she admitted softly with a quiet sort of laugh. "But then, you've known him longer, so I suppose it'd be easier for you-"

"Hardly. Sirius and James have been acquainted far longer. Though we never probed much into Sirius's mind- he pretty much puts it all on the tables for us. Unlike James… But what I have learned is when he's in a mood like that, it's best to leave him alone, you know? He finds comfort in solitude, really."

"Really? He doesn't confide in 'the best friends the world could offer'?" Lily asked sarcastically. "I'm shocked."

"Well, we never know quite what is on his mind…" Remus looked pensive. "Of course, he's perfectly willing to tell when asked, but he speaks in riddles, most of the time, so we've learned not to bother."

Lily arched a brow. "Hmm. Did it ever occur to you he did that on purpose to throw you off? You're right, Remus," she said decidedly. "He's put up a sheen of charisma to hide behind, with layers building upon layers every moment of his life. And, at the very core is a selfish git who can't bring himself to accept help."

Remus stared after her with a mixture of admiration and foreboding in his eyes, as she walked out of the room. As Sirius and Peter quickly returned to their food, he was left with a question no one would answer. Bemused, he threw the question out at the air: "D'you think she meant that?"

James, lying on his back with his hands behind his head, on the bottom most bench of the audience stands in the quidditch pitch, was surprised to find that his view of the bleak sky was obscured by a face looming in above him into view. A rather pretty face.

"I should be angry at you."

Mildly taken aback, he replied, "Reason?"

"After skipping out in Potions, you've chosen to ditch us all in favor for lying out here in the cold," she laughed mirthlessly. And he suddenly found his view blocked again by something dropped over his face… Something warm and black. As he stood and realized gratefully that she had tossed him his coat, she had taken a seat by where he had been lying. "You're lucky I don't go and tell Dumbledore to charge you with truancy and dereliction of duty."

"Should?" he asked. "You mean you're not?"

"Oh, you git, I'm trying to make this easier for you!" Lily exclaimed, jumping up from her place. Softening her words, she replied, "No, I'm not. I should be, but I understand better than most that allowances should be made. I would like to say, for the record, that you aren't doing much for yourself, though. After all, you know the only reason the professors are putting up with you is because of the recent events. Right now, you're asking for a bit too much latitude, and it won't be long before they all realize what fools they were for even letting you get away with this much."

"Great, just great," he answered. "Listen, Evans- I appreciate the effort, but I know what I'm doing. Besides, you really haven't the faintest what you're talking about, so I strongly suggest you stay out of it."

Lily raised a brow, crossing her arms. "You 'strongly suggest I stay out of it'? Nice one, Potter. I'll keep out of your neck of the woods for now, but I know as well as you that when this whole thing blows over, you'll have a heck of a lot of explaining to do, and you can't just blame it all on emotional trauma. For now, I'm just going to say that you're causing a great deal more trouble than you're worth, believe me- your friends and your professors are concerned. Scuttlebutt travels far in Hogwarts- the Hufflepuffs and a handful of Ravenclaws are all beginning to question your sanity, according to the articles posted on the boards by the house newspaper staffs. The Slytherins aren't at all too happy, either, that you're getting off with this much, Severus Snape in particular. Seems he still remembers all the times you've teased him enough to think you deserve it. Not to mention, the patience of several students in our own house are waning… "

Taking a deep breath, she looked around the large pitch. In the sudden silence, she glanced over at him, and realized her words were lost to him, a distant look on his glazed eyes. Sighing, she asked, for the sake of conversation and out of sincere curiosity, "Why do you come out here?"

"Hmm? Paused in your tirade for me to get a word in edgewise at last, eh?" James said blithely. Walking up behind her, he followed her gaze. "I come here for the peace… the air up there is refreshing, and I like to sit here sometimes to imagine what it'd be like if there was a game at that moment. I just… feel more at home up there than I do down here. Less grounded, more free."

"Mmm," Lily angled her head towards the sky, turning a brilliant mix of fiery red colliding with the royal blue at sunset, a slight breeze ruffling past. "So it's more of an adrenaline thing, then? You come here to escape your woes of life?" Her words had a slight edge to them that made them come out almost bitterly.

"Something like that," he replied. "Why?"

She turned partly to face him, noting that his eyes were steady at the sky, seeing the reflection in his eyes. "No reason… Just… to know." Great, Evans, she thought to herself, have you any idea what that must sound like to him? Just as she was about to open her mouth and take back her words, he started to reply.

"'Just to know'? Explain, Evans." Looking down to meet her eyes, he quirked a brow.

"Oh, well…" she paused, thinking. "Remus was just filling me in on how to figure out what you think… how you think. Don't know why I wanted to know, really, but it interested me. You're a bit of a mystery to the rest of us, you know that?"

James inclined his head in acknowledgement. "And this provoked you to ask…?" He had a slight smile playing at his lips, as though the subject caused him great amusement. It struck a nerve within her.

"Well, it's one of the many things I've wondered about you," she countered slowly. "How you seem so at ease up in the air, while most of us quake at the thought of dropping in head first at a hundred feet per second towards the ground." Letting out a nervous laugh, she said, "I've heard things… About how you are up there. I didn't really come to many of the matches until this year, but I did realize that they were right. You seem more at home up there."

"You think about me often, Evans?" he asked, a twinge of amusement still in his voice. "Perhaps I should retract what I said last time about being madly in love with you… It seems like you're the one who's a tad obsessed."

"You prick," she replied, giving him a light shove. "And I was just starting to think you were a nice person, too." Quite at loss for a response, James resorted to returning the shove, pushing her towards the stairs near the stands, where she held onto the railing for a bit as she steadied herself. Keeping her eyes on his face, she said slowly, "Your friends and the professors really are worried about you, Potter. For their sake, drop the act."

"And would you consider yourself a friend?" he asked softly.

Lily shook her head, brushing off the question with a wave of her hand. "No relevance, Potter. Since when has our relationship changed enough for it to be considered anything more than a rather unsuccessful acquaintanceship?"

For a short while, she waited for him to contradict her. After a few moments of awkward silence, she turned, a feeling of disappointment beginning to settle in as she swallowed a breath of fresh air to clear her mind.

Shaking her head, she walked away finally, muttering something about "ruining Hallmark moments" that he didn't quite catch.

(A/N): Eurgh, that was bad, but I'm leaving for California first thing tomorrow morning, so I don't have the time to fix it up for now. No doubt I will when I get back. Kind of sloppily written, the last scenes, wouldn't you say?

I'm sorry if I worried anybody with the author's note in the previous chapter- I just need a break from Harry Potter right now, is all. But don't worry, I have no intention of actually giving up this story or my other A Christmas Carol for those of you reading it, though it may be a while before either are updated… Should be up, the next chapter, in four to six weeks.

To Come: Valentine's Day Ball, Gilderoy Lockhart, and the tying end of another bridge… Following that comes Spring, and all its glory.

Don't forget to tell me your favorite and least favorite chapters after you r/r!