Disclaimer: Just curious, which is the stupidest thing to do in front of someone you like: tripping or running into something? I'd say running into something's pretty bad, but it really depends upon...oh, yeah, disclaimer. Blinks. M'yeah. InuYasha nor his friends/foes/random acquaintances aren't mine, though I'm sure they'd rather be mine than Rumiko Takahashi's. Really.

Author's notes: Shenanigans is a funny word. I think I'll use it somewhere in my fic. No sedatives for Twilight today. Miff. Hey, does anyone know what 'miff' means? I don't. I think I made it up. Then again, I thought I'd made up the name Nadia, too. Imagine my surprise when I found out otherwise... Hey, that rhymes. Blinks. Yeah, on to the Miroku insanity! Go forth and save the princess, Mario!

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Chapter III: A Lesson in the Use of a Girls-Only Lake.

Ahem... Meanwhile, InuYasha and the others had stopped for the night and made camp in an obscure forest. Kagome and Sango, tired of the constant putrid smell and gnats following them, forced the boys to have a bath. And, yeah, it's like all of the PG-rated "Let's give Inu-kun a bath" fics. Kagome and a very disgruntled InuYasha were standing on the bank of a lake, arguing about basic hygiene and the use of lavender-scented shampoo. Kagome got frustrated with InuYasha's stubborn refusal to take a bath and immediately fired off a round of 'sit' commands, frantically scrubbing his hair while he was munching on dirt. Then, using the almighty force of ticked-off girl power, she threw InuYasha into the lake. Inu-kun, soaked, swam to the surface and opened his mouth to scream at Kagome. Before he could protest, however, a bar of soap flew into his open mouth.

"Now stay there until you're clean, got it?" snapped Kagome as she turned and walked back to the campsite.

InuYasha and Shippo, who was much more easily coaxed into bathing, sat there dumbfounded for a moment, staring at the clump of trees into which Kagome had vanished. Shippo began to laugh. InuYasha, wearing a face of extreme annoyance (though we all know he really liked being handled by Kagome- ouch! Hey! Who threw that soap?!), punched Shippo on the head.

However, a few meters away, much more PG-13ish goings-on were...um...going on. Sango was bathing in another lake. You see, she's one of the rare feudal Japanese who care about hygiene. Or perhaps this scene is solely for fanservice. Whatever floats your boat. Regardless, Miroku was, as always, nearby. He'd gotten bored with waiting to get into the guys' lake, though watching Inu-kun get brutally suppressed by Kagome was entertaining, so he wandered off to check out the sites of the nameless forest, namely Sango. He leaned forward. She was about to get out and he'd have a prime view of the sans- clothing Sango. That is, until Kagome, still livid over her fight with InuYasha, spotted Miroku and screamed "Pervert!" at the top of her lungs. Then, Sango and Kagome irately thrashed and screamed at Miroku. Using the power of two ticked-off girls, they lifted up the monk and threw him into the girls' lake. Fuming, they marched off angrily to the campsite, muttering about perverted monks. Miroku sat, stunned, in the girls' lake. He started to feel funny...he wasn't the least bit interested in the brief flash of the nude Sango he managed to glimpse before the terrible beating. What was wrong?

Well, for starters, this lake is a girls' lake for a reason. It contains the chemical that makes girls like guys, which is why only women bathe in the girls' lake. If a man tries to do it, he either melts down to the very essence of his being and is reconstructed as a woman or, in Miroku's case, becomes temporarily gay. We see a problem here, don't we? Okay, for the slow among you, I'll start from the beginning. You know how Miroku's constantly chasing kimonos and how he asks practically every beautiful woman he meets to bear his child? This endeavor, of course, always fails because either the woman runs off screaming or says "yes" before turning into a giant praying mantis. Yeah, take this unreciprocated passion for women and add in the gay factor. Understand now? He's not just a homo, but a flaming homo. This, of course, could completely ruin his life and, once the rumor spreads, drastically reduce his already microscopic chance of getting a girl.

It's great to be an authoress.

Despite how fun it is to gloat and revel in the terrified and/or slightly disgusted glares, I really must get back to the plot at hand.

Miroku slowly swam to the muddy banks of the girls-only lake and crawled out. Then, head bowed, he shuffled back toward the campsite, moving as sluggishly as possible so as to avoid the two still-fuming brunettes. As he miserably marched through the wood, however, Miroku began to feel all tingly again. He was entranced by the gentle humming of the glimmering mauve dragonflies hovering near gently swaying daisies of gold and admired the perfect mix of the emerald green trees against the cerulean sky...

'Great galaxies! Those are...are...are the gay guys' names for those colors!'

And the DBZ universe tilted for a moment as an authoress was insane enough to steal Vegeta's dumbest exclamation of shock ever. Then, Goku screamed "I'm hungry!" and the universe returned to its regularly scheduled program.

Miroku's universe, however, remained tilted like some sinister and horribly deformed globe. It even squeaked when you tried to spin it. His terror didn't stop at the gay-sounding colors. Upon looking down at his clothes, Miroku's thoughts formed a horrifying inner monologue:

"Ugh. Black doesn't match with black."

"What do you mean? Black goes with everything!"

"Even itself?"

"Especially itself!"

"Maybe, but this black is so last year. Gray is the new black."

"Totally. Hey, wait a minute. Why should I care?!"

With a terrified look on his face, Miroku dashed toward the campsite with only one thought in mind:

'If I don't grope a girl in 3.5 seconds, I may lose my mind!'

Panting, he skidded to a stop at the empty campsite. Miroku glance around incredulously.

'What?! Where's a girl when you need one? I'm so desperate, I'll even take Kaede.'

He paused for a moment, thinking of an image of old lady Kaede. When the image winked, he shuddered.

'Okay, maybe I'm not that desperate.'

At that precise instant, the king of bad timing arrived at the campsite. InuYasha was so distracted mumbling under his breath while replacing his gi that he didn't notice Miroku staring at him with a slightly open mouth.

'I never realized how...how handsome he is,' thought Miroku before he could stop himself.

He found himself admiring InuYasha's pale, yet sunkissed skin; how his eyes seemed to glow slightly in the afternoon light; how his damp silver hair glimmered with the remnants of bath water...

Miroku blushed slightly. Frantically trying to cover it up (Inu-kun was still distracted by a non-cooperative knot in his gi), he turned his back on InuYasha and mumbled in a would-be calm voice, "Um...s-so where are Kagome and Sango?"

His comrade looked up slightly, now combing his knotted hair with his fingers and replied, sounding faintly annoyed, "That wench is probably throwing more innocent men into the lake."

Well, close, InuYasha. She and Sango were handing out pamphlets about hygiene in a nearby village. What optimistic little Kagome didn't realize is that few, if any, of the villagers could read.

See? Optimism is overrated.

Miroku has the right idea, though. Nary an optimistic thought crossed his mind as he sat down, carefully turned away from his most recent love interest, and dwelled darkly on his predicament.

'Well, there go my chances of having an heir,' he contemplated darkly. 'Of course, if it were possible for InuYasha...maybe even Koga...'

And then he began having horribly impure thoughts that, if I were to write them here, could easily raise my rating. These were the kind of impure thoughts that seemed to spring upon you like a hobo out of a trashcan (don't you just love my metaphors?). With a quick glance at InuYasha, who was building a fire over which dinner was to be cooked, the monk scooted toward a tree and promptly began banging his head on it, probably to shake out the dirty thoughts. Inu-kun inclined his head upward, glancing at the disheveled man in black and deciding not to ask. He wasn't in a talking mood anyway as the bitter taste of the soap intensified when he opened his mouth.

A bit later, Sango and Kagome returned from their quest to make feudal Japan a cleaner place. Like Captain Planet, but less annoying. I hate that show.

Kagome glanced at her right, noting how Miroku was pounding his head against the oak, making a sizable dent as he did so. Then she turned to a disgruntled half-demon who was lying lazily in front of the fire.

"Miroku? What are you doing?" asked Kagome, turning back to him with an eyebrow raised.

"Lady Kagome! Lady Sango! You've returned!" cried Miroku, looking up at them from his spot in front of the tree as if they were his saviors.

Kagome and Sango glanced as each other, exchanging confused looks. Miroku promptly stood up and walked next to Sango. Kagome, still slightly fazed, meandered over to cook some ramen.

For about ten minutes, Miroku hovered around a progressively annoyed Sango, trying to grope her. Somehow, someway, he...he...he forgot how. The day no one thought would come did and brought its overweight cousin. Eventually, they all sat down to some good ol' ramen. By a bit of mixed luck, Miroku was sandwiched between Sango and InuYasha. Partway through the meal, he got his courage and grope back. He inched his hand steadily to the right. Upon placing it upon the unfortunate victim's backside, he felt as if his hand were at home.

Immediately, the once on the receiving end sat up straighter, tightened the butt, and turned slowly toward Miroku.

"Miroku," said a harsh male voice, trembling with rage.

He looked up toward his right, his eyes locking with glowing amber ones.

"WRONG ASS!"

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I've finally finished this chapter. Finally, after, what, two months? Ah, well. I'm pleased with the finished product. Hope you are too.

Yes, I did swear in this chapter (a first in my fic) and, yes, I did use some gross generalizations about gay people. But these were merely to contribute to the plot. First off, I can't see Inu-kun saying 'tooshie' or 'bum' or 'rear.' Honestly, now. Second, all the generalizations were for comedic purposes. I have gay friends and know that not all gay people are constantly going "Fabulous! I love your shoes!" So, flame about it if you please, but the only response you'll get is to kiss my butt. Kiss it good.

For all my other fantastic reviewers, thanks for your patience and support. I'll try to get chapter four up soon. Woot! It'll be a Sessy chapter for all the crazed fans among you. He'll do battle with a sinister feature of modern life...the public bathroom! Dum dum dum...

P.S. I figured out what 'miff' means: to annoy, vex, or bother. So, it is a real word.