A/N: THIS CHAPTER IS RATED R FOR DISCUSSING THINGS THAT ARE NOT ALLOWED IN PG-13. DON'T READ YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.
IT IS ONLY SEXUAL TALK, NOT SEXUAL ACTIONS!
Figuring It Out (Or – The Sex Issue)
Christmas was drawing near and Lily wasn't speaking to Amy and Jenny. She thought it was none of their business who she knew or why she and James are suddenly 'friendly' with each other.
She knew they were angry with her, she could see it clearly in their minds. Lily also saw the hurt they were feeling – their best friend was keeping secrets from them.
But Lily, being the stubborn redhead she is, was not going to give in. They had no interest in probing into her personal life, and she was not obligated to tell them her secrets.
When they had the Hogsmede trip, James asked Lily to be his girlfriend. Lily answered him with an enthusiastic 'yes' before sharing a particularly long snog that left no doubt in the Hogwarts' population – James Potter and Lily Evans were an item.
"Amazing how girls can fight for weeks after such small things," said James to his fellow marauders one evening as he looked wistfully at Lily, whom was sitting alone in the corner of the common room, scribbling her homework on a long piece of parchment.
"Yo! Prongsy! Snap out of it mate!" said Sirius, snapping his fingers in front of James's face. James attention was immediately returned to the boys.
"You know Prongs, you are already her boyfriend, you can stop gawking at her, she's yours mate," said Sirius teasingly, unaware of Lily, listening to them.
James only smiled and looked at his feet.
"I think he'll be staring at her when he's old and grey and have twenty children with messy black hair and green eyes," said Remus. Peter and Sirius laughed.
James's smile vanished and he looked stonily at the floor. Lily stood in the corner, her hand covering her mouth and tears brimming in her eyes.
"Listen, I'm going to sleep ok?" James said quietly and without waiting for a reply, he got up and went as fast as he can up the stairs to his dormitory.
"Did I say something wrong?" said Remus in complete confusion.
"No," said Sirius with a puzzled expression. "All you said was that they'll have children with messy black hair and green eyes…"
But in this moment, Lily's sob was heard and they turned to look at her horrified expression and the tears in her eyes, moments before she ran to the boys' dormitories.
"Her dormitory is in the other side," said Peter with confusion. Sirius smacked his head.
Lily didn't wait for an invitation when she entered the boys' dormitories. She opened the door, entered, and closed the door behind her. She slid down to the floor and started crying.
It hasn't been two minuets and she felt familiar arms sneaking under her arms and knees, lifting her.
Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around James's neck, burying her head in his neck.
"I'm so sick of it James," she said in anguish after a few minutes, hitting his chest in her fist "I want to know why!"
James wiped her tears with his thumb "I do too," he said quietly "Do you want to do it now?"
Lily nodded against his chest and he rubbed her back with a sigh "Accio Pensive" he said. Remus's Pensive zoomed towards them and James caught it with his excellent Chaser skills.
He put his wand to her temple and took a deep breath before extracting a silvery strand from his wand and putting it in the Pensive. He saw the silvery liquid swirl and took a deep breath.
"Ready?" he said.
He saw Lily summon a quill and a piece of parchment before hesitating just a bit and nodding. James took her hand with his and put them in the Pensive. Their world shook for a minute and they found themselves on one of the corridors in Hogwarts. They saw the past Lily and Ron.
"You do know he just used Harry's body, right?" the past Lily said
"Of course, but I just don't see the point of fighting against him. My entire family work against him and…I don't know -we don't even know- if he can be defeated," said Ron.
Lily looked thoughtful. "Ron, after your fifth year, did you ever wonder about the prophecy Voldemort wanted so badly?" she asked.
"Yeah I did but Harry didn't say anything," he said with a shocked expression. How did she know about that?
"Did you ever think why he wanted it so badly? Why could only Harry hold it?" she asked. It was rather funny seeing his shocked expression.
"Wha-? No," he stammered.
"Boys," she muttered "always so dense."
"Hey!" he said, "I resent that!"
Suddenly, a harsh, deep voice spoke behind them:
"WHEN THE FLOWER, THE STAG AND THE PROPHECY BABY WILL BE UNITED, THE POWER OF LOVE, UNITY AND THE MAYA WILL DESTROY THE DARK LORD. WHEN FLOWER, STAG AND A BABY WILL BE UNITED…"
Ron and Lily turned, they were pale and Lily looked like she's going to collapse.
"Anything wrong dears?" asked professor Trelawney in her usual misty voice
"N-No…" mumbled Lily. She saw the premonition but was never prepared for something like that. Lily and Ron hurried to an empty classroom.
"What was that?" she demanded of Ron.
"Trelawney," he said, the panic in his voice evident, "She made another true prophesy."
"Again?"
"She did one before Harry was born and one the night Pettigrew ran away from us," he explained, still dumbfound.
The memory ended here and James and Lily found themselves on the boys' dormitories again.
"Do you have it written down?" asked James.
Lily nodded but otherwise stayed silent.
"Hey," James nudged her "Is everything all right?"
Lily looked up to his face "I'm afraid," she admitted.
"Of what?" he asked, rubbing her arm.
"From figuring out the truth, from knowing, that we didn't do something good enough. We are murderers James. We killed him."
The words hit James like a slap in the place. "Lily! We are not murderers! We tried to defeat Voldemort and there are casualties in a war!"
"We did something wrong, we led him to his death!" cried Lily.
"Is Ginny a murderer too than?" he asked quietly, as if challenging her to agree with him. Lily was silent. "Ginny is not a murderer, and neither are we. We came back so we can fix this mess Lily."
Lily sniffed "You're right," she said, "We have to think about it."
James smiled in triumph; finally. Lily hit his arm and James winced, forgetting about her abilities.
Lily was so absorbed in the piece of parchment in her hand she didn't even notice James was sleeping next to her and that Sirius, Peter and Remus were all in beds.
She was startled from her semi-conscious state by a particularly loud snort from James. She jumped and rubbed her eyes sleepily.
Looking around her, she was shocked to see that it was almost midnight. She looked next to her, where James was snoring peacefully.
Lily giggled quietly and pushed a bit of black hair that fell on his forehead. She probed a little into his mind and what she saw him dreaming made her let out a little gasp and push away from his mind as quickly as possible.
She was beat red and growing even redder in each passing moment. She couldn't believe James thought about doing that with her.
Things like that are meant only for people who loved each other.
And suddenly it was as though someone put on a light bulb in her brain. Of course, love. Harry didn't love James and her like he would have if they were his parents. And they didn't love him the same way they would have if they were his parents.
It all made sense.
She shook James awake; "James!" she hissed "James!"
James mumbled something about knickers and Lily, growing crimson again, slapped him quietly.
"Wha?" said James blearily "Lil?"
"Yes that's me James you idiot," she hissed.
"What?" he asked thickly, wiping a bit of drool from his cheek; Lily grimaced in disgust.
"I found it!" she said "The reason why Harry died!"
James was immediately awake, unfortunately not awake enough to notice one of his friends awake.
"What is it? Why?" he said.
"We didn't love him, and he didn't love us! The prophesy mentions love, with the power of love!" said Lily eagerly.
James smiled at her and scratched his head, yawning, "How did you figure it out?" he asked.
Lily, whom expected a little bit more enthusiastic response, turned red.
"What?" asked James in amusement.
"You were mumbling something in your sleep," she muttered, so quietly he didn't hear her.
"Can't hear you," he said simply "Say it again."
"I said," she said between clenched teeth "That you were mumbling something in your sleep." James's eyes widened and he gaped at her like a goldfish, his cheeks burning in an amazing shade of scarlet.
"I…mumbled?" he stuttered "I…I…Lily…" he said, looking at her in fear, as if waiting for an explosion.
Lily turned even redder if that was possible. She crossed her arms, as if waiting for an explanation. James looked very embarrassed.
"Uh…" he started thickly.
"Yes?" said Lily, in a dangerous voice that made James wince again.
"Lily…uh…you see…I...uh…I am a normal seventeen years old boy!" he said quickly; it was the best explanation he could come up with.
"And…" said Lily in the same calm, dangerous voice.
"And…and I have my needs!" he continued in confidence. As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew it was the wrong thing to say. Very wrong.
"I see," she said in an icy voice, her eyes flashing.
"Lily, that's not what I-" Lily chose this moment to get up from his bed and walk briskly out of the room, shutting the door after her.
"Shit!" said James loudly and punched his pillow in anger.
Lily was in her dormitory, lying on the bed, not knowing how to feel. She was very embarrassed, yet she was amused; just the thought of James's face when she told him he mumbled almost cased her to giggle. Almost.
She was nervous. Yes, that was the feeling; nervousness. She knew of course, that seventeen years old boy (and girls she reminded herself with pink cheeks) do tend to feel sexually frustrated.
What you really feel is fear said a voice in her head.
Lily jumped from the sudden noise and then scowled. She knew that voice; it was the nasty voice in her head, which appeared out of nowhere when she was there.
"Yep, that's me. And you are afraid." Lily scowled again.
"I am not afraid!" she muttered loudly.
The voice laughed hysterically "yes you are you are afraid of losing your virginity at 17."
Lily was surprisingly quiet after that. She always thought of losing her virginity after marriage. But if James will demand it now…
She hugged her knees and buried her head in between them. She didn't want to lose James because she wanted to be a virgin until her marriage.
A single tear left her eye and fell on her knee. Why must it be so difficult? She loves James and he loves her, but she didn't want to ruin it because of this.
But then a new thought popped into her mind; why can't James accept her for what she is? It is the girl's decision whether or not to lose what is hers since birth, and no man should decide it for her.
Lily wiped her tears angrily. It wasn't his choice. If he wanted someone he could shag whenever he wants, she probably wasn't the right match for him.
Lily stood up determinedly, if James couldn't deal with the fact that she wanted to stay a virgin, it would be stupid to continue their relationship. Not to mention it would hurt.
Oh, how much it hurt. Lily rubbed her eyes when they started prickling again and walked down to the common room in determination. If she is going to end it, she is going to do it proudly.
But Lily was a bit puzzled when no one was in the common room. She looked at her watch and smacked her forehead, the determination slipping off her quickly and exhaustion taking over.
It was two o'clock in the morning, James must be snoring again and she would have to wait with it until the morning, when, she knew, she was going to lose all of her determination and replace it with hot bubbling anger that will wash out of her in rivers - and poor James when it happens.
Lily sat on one of the sofas and sighed heavily. She watched the fire as it demised, filling the room in almost suffocating darkness. The effect of the warmness from the dead fire and the darkness did it effect on Lily, and she fell asleep.
When James woke up the next morning, it took him several minutes to remember why he is feeling so angry and miserable. When he did remember, he punched his pillow again. Covering his eyes with his fists he let out a stream of courses that would've made his mother have a heart-attack.
"Someone woke up in a peachy mood this morning," teased Remus, who just got out of the shower.
"Shut up Moony," said James rudely, only to hear Remus's laughter ringing around the room
"Problems in paradise?" Remus asked knowingly.
"You can say that again," grumbled James as he got up.
"Problems in paradise?" said Remus.
"Ha, ha," said James sarcastically, though the corner of his lip was tugging upwards.
"What did you do this time?" asked Remus knowingly.
"Urggg…nothing. Listen, I'm going to talk to her ok?" James said, scratching his head.
James was very disgruntled by the time he reached the common room. He was an idiot last night and he knew it. Lily must have gotten the wrong impression and won't be talking to him for weeks. He groaned out loud.
"I want to end this relationship," Lily's voice said behind him.
James turned; he didn't even notice he went past her. She didn't look so good; her hair was messy and her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot and all of her makeup was smeared on her face.
"Lily-" stated James in desperation; she can't do that to him.
"No James, I'm not going to lose my virginity at seventeen," she said determinedly, pushing her hair out of her eyes.
James was shocked; she thought he wanted her to lose her virginity to him?
"Lily-"
"No James, I'm serious, it's over."
"But Lily-"
Lily didn't want to hear his apologies or his pleading, so she left the common room as fast as she could.
But James was not about to give up that easily without a fight. Lily was his; he was not going to lose her because she thought he wanted to take her virginity away.
He ran out of the common room, chasing after Lily and saw her red hair flying as she went down the stairs.
"Lily!" he called after her, "Lily!"
Lily whirled around and looked at him with flashing eyes.
"Lily, please listen to me!"
"No James, we have nothing to say to each other," Lily said with as must strength she could master, which wasn't much since she was hurting so bad.
"Lily," said James weakly "Can we please talk about it?" he begged.
"No," she said coldly "I have nothing to say to you."
"But I have things I want to say to you!" said James in indignation; why must she be so stubborn? He just wanted to talk to her, not rape her.
"Fine," said Lily, reading his thoughts "Fine, you can talk."
"Here?" said James with a look around. He hardly thought that Lily's virginity should be public knowledge.
Lily turned angrily and continued her flight down the stairs.
"No wait! Fine! I'll say it here!" James yelled as he saw her going away.
Lily stopped again and didn't turn. James however came and stood in front of her. He made to grab her shoulders but she pushed them away.
"Don't touch me," she muttered.
James was hurt and he cleared his throat before speaking. "Lily, I know what I said last night was wrong, but I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I don't want to push you to doing that until you want. Of course I have my needs but…well…in the mean time I…. I can…take care of it…alone…"
James blushed furiously at the thought and saw Lily was also bright red.
"Before I woke you up I…I looked at what you dreamt…" she muttered.
James frowned, trying to remember his dream. When he did his eyes widened and Lily's reaction seemed perfectly natural to him.
"Lily, I can't control my dreams!" he exclaimed.
Lily knew that of course, yet…"But you thought about it nonetheless James Potter!" she said angrily and poked his chest.
James grabbed her poking hand and pulled her closer to him. "I have no intention of doing what you don't want me to do!" he growled.
Lily tried to struggle against his strong arms but couldn't. "How do I know you're not lying?" she said to him.
"Don't you trust me?" he asked weakly, suddenly very tired "Don't you know me enough to realise I would never do something like that to you?"
Lily stopped struggling and felt very guilty. She knew James cared for her and would never do something to hurt her, so why did she act that way?
It's only natural for you to panic drawled the voice in her head.
Lily sighed and buried her face in James's robes. James let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and put his arms around her in relief.
"Hey! Move it lovebirds! Some people need to eat in order to function during the day!" yelled Sirius's voice.
James and Lily broke apart and Lily glared at Sirius. James looked around and saw that they did make a tiny traffic jam and that the students were looking at them in wonder.
James and Lily came down the stairs, hand in hand. Suddenly James pulled Lily into an empty classroom. Closing the door behind him, he turned to Lily.
"What?" said Lily when she saw James was looking at her.
Without a warning, James stated kissing her. The kiss was so intense Lily's air supplies were running out quickly.
James held her close and poured all of his frustration and relief into her.
"Hem, hem" someone cleared their throat behind them and Lily and James broke away from each other.
The turned, still breathing heavy, and saw Amy and Jenny smirking.
"Yes?" asked Lily testily, annoyed from being interrupted.
"We have class in less than three minutes and you weren't at breakfast," said Jenny.
"Thanks for letting me know," snapped Lily and turned back to James. They started kissing again and Amy cleared her throat again.
"What?" snapped Lily loudly 'Now what?"
Jenny and Amy looked amused but serious "We also wanted to say…that we're sorry…it's none of our business."
Lily's annoyance disappeared. "Fine," she said softly "You're forgiven."
Amy and Jenny came over and hugged Lily tightly.
"Amy! Can't – breath!" wheezed Lily.
"Let her go will you? She can't breath," said James in amusement.
Amy and Jenny immediately let her go and Lily sighed with relief. "May I return to kissing my boyfriend?" she asked them.
"Snog away," said Amy and dragged Jenny out of the classroom.
"Amazing how long it takes girls to make up," James shook his head in amazement.
"Shut up and kiss me," said Lily haughtily and James allowed himself a smirk before attacking her, completely forgetting about the homework that were waiting for them in the Heads common room.
Much later that day James and Lily came back to the common room with their lips swollen and goofy grins on their faces.
To their amazement they saw Amy and Sirius snogging their hearts out on the sofa. James, looking disgusted cleared his throat loudly.
Sirius and Amy didn't stop though and Lily giggled. James, frustrated from the lack of response, walked to where Amy and Sirius were snogging and pushed Sirius from on top of Amy.
Sirius hit the floor with a 'thud' and Amy had a funny expression on her face.
"Glad you could join us lovebirds," teased James.
Sirius shoved James and sat on the sofa, very close to Amy.
"Is there something you want to tell us?" said Lily in a voice that suggested that if they won't tell them, she will force Amy to tell her later.
Amy looked at Sirius. "Prongs and future Mrs Prongs, may I present you my dear girlfriend, Amy Isadora."
James goggled at them and Lily launched herself onto Amy. "Congratulations!" she squealed and after releasing Amy gave Sirius a peck on his cheek.
James and Lily sat on one of the sofas, or more like, Lily sat on James's lap on one of the sofas.
"They stopped? Finally!" said Jenny from the portrait hole and went in, followed by Remus and Peter.
"So what are you doing for Christmas?" asked Jenny happily after settling herself on the sofa.
"I think I'm staying here this Christmas, it's our last, pity to waste it," said James, looking at Lily.
"Prongs! Come on! That means I'll have to stay here too! Don't do that to me!" said Sirius, putting a hand on his heart. James grinned.
"I agree," said Lily "I'll stay here too," she said and looked at James.
Amy rolled her eyes "Cut the mushy stuff Lily, I'm staying here too,"
"So am I," said Remus.
"As I," said Jenny.
Everybody looked at Peter that squirmed under the stares of the rest of the guys, and especially under James and Lily's intense gazes.
"I'm…I'm going home," said Peter.
Loud protest came out from the rest of the gang "I have to visit my mother! She's sick!" he defended himself. James and Lily shared a long look.
"Oh," said Remus in understanding "Tell her we wish her the best."
Peter nodded and smiled a little. Lily couldn't resist and snooped into Peter's mind. What she saw there made her gasp silently.
James, that heard her gasp, suddenly said "We are going to patrol."
"At eleven?" said Remus with a raised eyebrow.
James didn't answer and took Lily in his arms before coming out of the portrait hole. "Mr Potter, it is very late…"
But James and Lily didn't hear the rest of the Fat Lady reprimanding, the walked silently towards the marauders room.
"He did it," said Lily with tears in her eyes.
"Are you sure?" asked James, rubbing her arms.
Lily looked up to him in anguish and James nodded in understanding. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes.
"Now what? Are we supposed to tell professor Dumbledore?" asked Lily.
"No!" said James immediately "Don't tell anyone, we'll just have to see what kind of information he wants to pass."
"James, he can pass any kind of information. Things that may seem not important to you, can be very important to him and Voldemort," said Lily.
"Yes, but Lily…just…just let it go for a week, we have a ball tomorrow and Christmas is in two days, please, please just let it go for now…" pleaded James.
Lily sighed "Fine, but after Christmas we're going to Dumbledore."
"Ok."
The next morning, the female population of Hogwarts was very jittery and excited. Groups of giggling girls were everywhere and the male population of Hogwarts seemed frustrated and nervous.
The only boys that looked as boisterous as ever were the marauders. They walked along corridors, laughed loudly and pulled pranks on boys that looked too nervous.
When evening came, the corridors were empty. The girls were primping up for hours now and the boys stayed in their dormitories, soothing their nerves and taking big calming breaths.
Lily, Amy and Jenny all came down at once, looked gorgeous in their dresses, making many heads turn.
Lily looked especially good; she wore a white dress that looked very much like the dress Ginny wore at the Christmas ball.
"Lucky you don't look too much like Ginny, I like my Lily best," whispered James in her ear, making her smile lazily.
Peter went to collect his date, a sweet Hufflepuff fifth year, making the boys whoop and cat call after him.
"Shall we?" said James and offered Lily his arm.
Lily smiled brightly and giggled "Lead the way good sir."
"Anything for my lady," James said dramatically though his eyes were sparkling.
"Move it you two," said Jenny and poked James on his shoulder.
"Moving, moving," said Lily and came out.
The gang's breath was taken away when they entered the Great Hall, that didn't look like the Great Hall at all.
The tables were covered with maps, according to the house colours and in the end of each table there was an iced statue that didn't melt. The statue on the Gryffindor side was a large lion.
Lily saw that the other statues were a snake, a badger and an eagle. "It's beautiful" she breathed.
"It is," James said, staring at Lily. It took her a moment to notice, at which point she blushed and hit his arm playfully.
"Stop being so damn clichéd James," she hissed but James could detect a hint of embarrassment and flattery in her voice.
"Just telling the truth," James shrugged and led her to the table.
Lily rolled her eyes and let him lead the way to the table, where Sirius, Amy, Remus, Jenny, Peter, and his date Rachel were sitting and talking.
"Hi guys!" called Amy, grinning.
"Hi," said Lily and sat next to her. The girls started chatting absently and the boys mainly ate, making a small talk about pranks and new Zonko's products.
"May I have your attention?" called Dumbledore from his seat. The noise dimmed after a few seconds and now all the heads were turned to Dumbledore, who smiled merrily.
"Welcome students and teachers, to the 1977 Yule Ball!" Dumbledore boomed and the students cheered.
"I think, that this is time to open the dance floor. Please welcome 'Butterbeer'!" the students stood up and cheered.
'Butterbeer' was a very popular band. The members of the band often wore black suits that during the show transfigured themselves into torn cloths.
James stood and offered Lily his hand "Want to dance?" he asked with the most innocent smile he could master.
Lily laughed and took his hand, letting him lead her to the dance floor.
Sirius shook his head in amazement "He is totally whipped."
"He always was," said Remus and offered Jenny his hand.
"And he always will," added Jenny with a laugh as she accepted Remus's invitation.
"Are you going to invite me to dance or I'm going to have to do it myself?" drawled Amy as she chewed a strawberry.
"Do it yourself," said Sirius cockily. Amy huffed and got up.
Sirius, who thought she was joking and now saw that she wasn't, stood up and coughed nervously.
"Would you like to dance?" he asked, making Amy roll her eyes and take his hand to the dance floor.
"Listen, I'll be back in a few minutes ok?" said Peter to his date.
The girl looked at Peter in disgust and got up. "No need, I'm going."
Peter sighed as he watched her walking away huffily. He stood up and slipped away unnoticed from the Great Hall.
"What have you got to report?" asked Snape behind him.
Peter flinched and kept walking "They are not coming back home for Christmas," he said with a slight quiver to his voice.
Snape smiled, though Peter didn't see it. "Good, you'll help us than."
"Help you do what?" Peter turned, but Snape wasn't there anymore. Peter drew a ragged breath and walked back to the dormitory; he didn't think they will notice his absence anyway.
&&
Lily crept silently into the boys' dormitories and smiled as she saw James snoring peacefully, snuggled inside his blanket.
She tugged the blanket away from James and slipped inside the bed, sighing in content as James wrapped his arms around her.
"Mr Potter? Ms Potter?" someone called and James heard them gasp.
"Ms Evans? What are you doing here?" Lily lifted her head groggily and saw professor McGonagall's shocked face.
"I came to notify…well…since you're both here…Mr Evans, Mr Potter…both of your parents died this evening in Death Eater's attack."
A/N: Rather hasty in the end right? Sorry, I just wrote an email to about 70 people and pressed send so I had to send this chapter quickly..not making a lot of sense am I? Nevermind...My Yahoo!Group is open to anyone, the link is in my bio. Thanks:
pandas rule the world, RaI'DeE PoYnT3r, Steelo, Silver Warrior, IamSiriusgrl, Hazel Maraa, Tidal Waves, Jinxeh, i 3 oc boyz, D'attitude, DancerForLife3320, kelz, Lily-900121, Mrs.KristinePotter, drgn prncss, Jenn, Sara A. Malfoy, OTHCharmedHPFreak, Lady Lily3, qew, Prongs76, nilepharaohess, soccerchic, truffletruffle01, princessdza, RuBy.
This chapter was meant to be longer but since I'm so tired and Zayne's interent decided he is mean, I am updating now, with ugly ending and many mistakes. Sorry guys! I just want to say:
WELCOME BACK OLD REVIEWRS!
I can't wait to hear from you again, by msn messenger (mayanlevy2 hotmail co il) or yahoo messenger (jamesandlily4eva) or email (potter1989 gmail com) or ICQ (139654439)
love you,
--Lily