Disclaimer: You know what, Rumiko Takahashi? You can have your multi-million dollar comic book and its characters. I don't want them. What? No, I'm not in denial! I'm serious! No, no more meds! No!
Oh, come on, don't look at me like that. It hasn't been a whole year since I last updated. And those rumors that I've been in an asylum are totally false. I've been buried under schoolwork. Oh, and I've suffered from lethargy and writer's block and ol' unfaithful rolling over and dying on me (and then getting revived and then dying again and then getting revived).
Patience is a virtue. Yeah, right.
Anyway, I just want to remind everyone to check out my bio for information relating to changes/deletions/hiatuses of stories and just to read my stupid ramblings.
Okay, okay. I'll start typing the fic. Geez.
Chapter VII: The Woes of Lucille
"You know, Lucille, I feel I can really open up with you."
Flatulence lay mellowly on his stomach, waving his feet in the air. He caught eyes with his newfound love and blushed like a schoolgirl.
Ah, love. Wait…okay, I've got my barf bag. Let's continue.
Naraku suddenly entered, still relatively sloshed and slightly more evil than usual.
"Flatulence! Where's that (hic) pa-pa-papaya I asked for two min-day-millennia ago!"
He caught sight of the sickening puppy love going on below and stopped in his tracks.
"What the hell are you doing? What's with all the sparkly pink flowers and floating hearts? Are you-?"
Flatulence sighed longingly at his darling snookums, hunnybunny, indigestible fiber.
"You know my policy on love!"
Naraku ran up and, with an impressive kick to make any imitation Mia Hamm proud (ha ha, imitation ham), he sent Lucille the Pet Rock flying out the rice-paper window.
"LUCILLE!"
"No lovin' for Naraku, no lovin' for the henchmen!"
With that, he left Flatulence to search frantically for Lucille. Unfortunately, he was about seventy miles too far east.
About seventy miles west of there, a despicable lord who had overtaxed his serfs, raped their women, and refused to bathe was impaled by Lucille the Pet Rock.
The official cause of death was marked as "divine retribution." Lucille became the resident rock god of said village.
And that's why pet rocks are awesome.
Anyway, the InuYasha gang had finally managed to calm Kagome down. Of course, this necessitated the use of really big sticks and industrial-grade chains (courtesy Lucky Bob's Chain Emporium- the shop for friends, enemies, and lovers). InuYasha, suffering a horrible spork wound to the nasal cavity, proceeded to polish his stolen bling. He gathered mental notes for his next visit to the Inu gang's official psychiatrist- Hachi.
Poor, poor Hachi.
Kagome return to consciousness a few hours later, covered in bruises and chained to a massive oak the size of a small skyscraper. InuYasha had been so unhelpful in explaining the situation that Sango and Miroku had to rely on Kagome's testimony.
"What the hell's your problem!" shrieked Miroku.
Wait, that was out of character. Heh. Like it matters, but…let's try that again.
"Kagome? What happened?"
Much better.
"I'm NOT Kagome! I'm Kikyo!"
"Uh, you've got that backwards," Sango offered helpfully. Kagome continued screaming.
"To hell with you! I AM Kikyo and THAT is my man-flesh!"
Sango and Miroku stood, flabbergasted at the sight of a psychotic Kagome mimicking an obsessive Kikyo. Sango turned her back on the shrieking girl.
"I think that rock to the head addled her brain," Sango whispered to Miroku.
Miroku responded at the prompting of renewed threats from psycho Kikome, many of which involving gerbils and duct tape.
"Clearly."
Shippo, seeing his favorite person ever acting like a rabid panda, lost all reason.
"This can't be happening! I'm just a kid! The world should have logic and reason! My companions shouldn't be insane! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?"
Bweheheh. I love my job.
And Miroku, moved beyond words by the child's emotional outburst, sought to comfort InuYasha in his time of ironic adversity.
He was returned to the full-body cast a few minutes later.
Meanwhile, Naraku was cooking up his evil scheme of the day. He had eaten his Count Chocula this morning and, thus, felt far more evil than usual. Something sinister was forming in his brain. Something beyond brownies or ant burning. As he hopped onto his noxious gas cloud (courtesy Joe's meaty meat beans), one thought ran obsessively through his head.
'InuYasha will pay.'
Things had gone from bad to worse back in Nameless Forest. Not only had InuYasha started discussing tattoos, but also the massive tree Kikome was tied to was slowly being sawed in half by her struggling. Shippo had gotten so irritating that Sango was forced to sedate him. Meaning she chucked a rock at his head, thus knocking him unconscious.
But, if they thought that was bad, they were in for a surprise.
Suddenly, a massive dark cloud formed overhead and saimyosho came spilling out of it like candy out of a piñata. InuYasha was doing quite well getting rid of them. That is, until a golden toe-ring came flying from the cloud. InuYasha ran a few feet away to capture the bling, totally immersed in his newfound obsession. The battle was forgotten as he tried to cram it on his already gold-covered toes.
With him distracted and Sango left all by her lonesome, Naraku could easily do what he had come to do: kidnap Kagome. He chopped down the tree and lifted her onto his noxious cloud. He paused for a moment to taunt the foolish hanyou.
"See, InuYasha? If you won't let me love you, no one will!"
Okay, whatever.
The dark cloud dissipated, taking both Kagome and the irritating saimyosho with it.
"Kagome!" shouted the suitably distraught InuYasha.
Yup. Kagome has been kidnapped for what seems like the twenty-seventh time or so. You'd think that InuYasha would have wised up and stuck to her more closely. No, literally. I was thinking steel cables. Good ol' steel cables.
"Mmph. Mer mumph mumph mumph maou?" queried Miroku, still confined by his full-body cast.
"Whatever. I've got her scent. Let's go."
Sango and InuYasha dashed off, leaving the unconscious child and the immobile monk behind to fend for themselves.
The sight they saw when they came to the end of the scent trail was probably the last thing they had expected. Well, no, to be more precise the last thing they expected was a massive castle shaped like a pink flower. But, man, was this close.
They had stumbled upon a modest-sized hut, complete with leaky roof and broken rice-paper windows.
"Uh, InuYasha, are you sure this is the right place?"
InuYasha straightened his many necklaces and replied, "Yeah. The scent is coming from that run-down hut."
Little did these poor, bewildered souls know that Naraku's horrible performance as of late caused his status to be downgraded from "Seriously Bad Dude" to "Slightly More Dangerous Than a Wet Cat." And with the downgrade came the budget cuts. So, instead of a castle with all the futuristic fixins, he has…well…this. Sympathy moment…over.
InuYasha and Sango ran like an insane person running from an asylum which, I hear, is really fast. Unfortunately, they forgot one small thing and ran smack into the ever-present barrier.
As they recovered from their stupid, Kagura asked Naraku the one question I'm sure everyone is wondering:
"Why'd you bother to kidnap this psychotic wench?"
Naraku pondered for a moment and answered in an important-sounding thunderous voice.
"Because I am EVIL!"
"Idiot," replied the other three inhabitants of the economy hut. Even Kagome took a break from her death threats and angry ramblings to tell him of his idiocy.
Ten minutes and three ballpoint pens later, Kagome was officially Rescued. I won't bore you with the details, but I believe it involved the French army, a couple of Gundams, Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, a box of graham crackers, and a couple of pixies. See? Typical boring battle sequence. Naraku had, of course, escaped using the wing of a World War II fighter plane.
Battle-scarred and winded, the trio set off for camp. Wherever that was.
The situation at said campsite was quite dire. Shippo was frantically searching for food to satisfy his hunger since no one was there to feed him. What happened to Kagome's backpack, you say? It's hidden behind a nearby tree. Shippo doesn't use a wide search radius when scrounging. Instead, he reached into his pocket, prepared to eat pocket lint, and found one of his magical mushrooms.
'Should I?' he pondered, staring at the odd 'shroom. 'Why not? What's the worst that could happen?'
Somewhere, a thunderstorm is raging and a mad scientist is laughing insanely. They didn't get the memo that they were supposed to be scaring Shippo instead of Genghis Kahn.
He did indeed eat the mushroom, which tasted quite good, but needed salt. Nothing really seemed to happen aside from a gentle tingle in his mouth.
'See? Not so bad,' Shippo mused.
Suddenly, he spotted three figures in the distance, or rather, two figures dragging a third. Shippo was scared out of his wits until he noticed the blindingly bright bling on one of the figures.
He ran up to them, shouting joyfully.
"Uyashainay! Ouya avedsay agomekay!"
Oh, yes. All mushrooms have side effects.
To be continued…Well, that's it for now. You know what I want. Yes, that. No, I demand that you DANCE AROUND IN YOUR UNDERWEAR SINGING "I'M TOO SEXY!" I DEMAND IT!
Okay, fine. I guess I'll settle for a review instead. Though, the dancing wouldn't hurt…