Chapter 16: Sarah's Hope

Derek's trunk sat on the floor by the end of the Gryffindor table. Dressed in his winter coats, he was seated on the bench right beside his trunk, looking longingly up at the Head Table. Wishing that instead of being empty as the staff prepared the students for the train ride that they had ahead of them, and preparing to leave themselves, that it would still be full of teachers eating their noonday meal and looking out over their charges. He sighed dejectedly. He was out of time.

Since the talk he had with Remus nearly a month before, he had changed his daily training. The list that he had from his father was laying abandoned in the bottom of his trunk and he had not touched it since that night. Instead, he had been working with Remus and James and even Sirius on dueling technique. Several interesting little tricks that James had taught him would definitely come in handy. All so that he would have a chance to survive the madness that he was now caught up in.

Of course, the world didn't revolve around Derek, so that wasn't the only thing that had happened through that month. There were still classes, though Derek's grades pulled up a bit; enough that he settled back into a routine. James still didn't join the study group, and nor did Sirius. When Derek was at the study group (as well as Remus), the other two people involved in the "training" were most likely off pranking. Lily was getting highly annoyed with the pair of them, and had been heard loudly thanking Merlin that she wouldn't have to deal with James for a few weeks.

She was always careful to not say that she was glad the winter holidays was coming, only that James wouldn't be able to annoy her for a few weeks. Derek had caught her eye straying to him when she said it within a few meters of him. And she wasn't the only one who was treading lightly around him lately. Remus was steady and reliable, James was his normal self until a particularly awkward moment developed out of his big mouth, and he would freeze, and then launch into a completely separate subject. Lily found this maddening, the marauders hilarious, but Derek kind of appreciated it. It was… heartening.

Sirius was almost as blustery as James was, but he didn't let his mouth put him in as much trouble. Sirius's way of dealing with things was often pretending that they didn't exist at all on the outside while he worked on it in private or, in this case, behind closed doors. Peter still didn't know, or at least, Derek didn't think he did. He didn't change at all, anyway. Most of the girls knew, Derek was sure of it, but though they stepped quietly around certain subjects when they knew he was there, they didn't do anything highly different.

There was one exception. And it was this one exception that sat down across from him at the table. She was not packed, as she was not leaving the castle for the holidays. Derek couldn't blame her at all, though she still felt the need to apologize every time the subject of winter holidays came up at all. It hadn't gotten to the point where he would snap at her because of it, though he did burst out laughing the last time she tried.

Sarah simply sat on the opposite bench, not saying anything at all. Derek didn't mind too much; her company in silence was never overbearing or awkward, as it could have easily been. Like he imagined it would be if James decided to show up and sit down next to Lily who was sitting on the opposite end of the Gryffindor table. Derek imagined it was to dodge that particular fate that she was in the Great Hall instead of the Common Room like so many others that were leaving. James, Derek could say with quite a bit of accuracy, was probably not yet finished packing and annoying the rest of the Gryffindors with his screams of outrage. This, of course, not being a good thing for Lily's mood.

No, Derek and Sarah were in no way like Lily and James. They could easily remain in the same room for over twenty minutes without starting a row (James and Lily topped out at eighteen most of the time). And they both sought out the other when they wanted to talk to someone. Derek moved his head for the first time as he leaned over his shoulder to look down the table at Lily. She was staring off into space as he just was, though he didn't know what she was thinking about. She noticed that he was looking at him, and she gave him a tired wave. Derek smiled a bit as he returned it, then turned back around so that he was facing the staff table.

"Derek," Sarah said. It was slow, betraying her nervousness over what she was going to bring up. Derek put his hand on her shoulder and turned his attention to her, and she sighed, but she went on. "Could this really be the last time…?" She didn't have to finish.

"Probably," was Derek's reply. He had never been a believer in false hope. Hope, when dashed, had nearly as bad consequences as the ones he was walking into. At least those he could prevent. He would do his best to prevent his own demise, but realistically he didn't have any chance at all of walking away from a Death Eater meeting alive if he said no. At least he knew he had a choice.

Sarah took two deep breaths to steady herself, and when she spoke again it was in a heated whisper. "Don't you dare think that! It is probably true that you are going to live! You are a very strong person, Derek. James is strong in his way through his confidence, intelligence and Quidditch talents. Sirius has Quidditch, the run of the girls of the castle and his incredible knack for keeping himself from getting expelled. Remus always knows when to say something, be it firm or kind, and has to be the smartest of us all, save perhaps Lily or you. Lily is looked up to by everyone, including those that look up to the Marauders too.

"Wanda has Quidditch and her strong aura. She keeps people in line with a look. But you… think about what you've gone through to get here. Think about the things that your parents have done, what the Marauders have done, and what the Slytherins have done to you as well as all of us. There are many things that I can say about you that I couldn't about any of the others in our year. But most of all, you've kept going. It doesn't matter that you don't have hope left now… you'll keep going anyway, because that's who you are."

Sarah shook off Derek's hand from her shoulder and placed both of her hands on his shoulders, and both teens looked into the other's eyes. "But if you go into this struggle without hope… then I will never see you again. Then Lily, Remus… none of us will ever see you again. And I'm not the only one who won't be the same afterwards, Derek."

Derek swallowed. He was scared that Sarah was so affected by this that she would be driven to say all of this to him. The worst part was that he didn't know what he could do to placate her, even temporarily. "What do you want me to do about it, Sarah?"

When Sarah looked directly into his eyes this time, Derek felt something… it wasn't something that could be explained off as a developing crush, love, a part of their friendship… it was more of Sarah's true thoughts were speaking to him directly, without the middle-man of her mouth. "Hope, Derek. It's all about the hope. Didn't you always have it? Even if it wasn't obvious? Something was helping you get through everything when nothing was going your way. When you didn't have anyone to talk to… before you began to… to change. Into the person you are now. There was something, I'm sure of that. I think it was hope."

Derek sent his mind back into the crevasses that he did not like to travel. To the torture administered to him by Sirius's cousins and the greasy-haired git. Then there was the fear when he spotted the same three making their way to Lily beside the lake. Then there was the day that he was effectively knocked out of the prank war that Snape and the Marauders had ongoing between them. Then there was the day he learned of Lord Voldemort and that his parents were part of his following. Finally, his mind reached him as he was right then…

What tied them together? What, as Sarah had put it, had been helping him get through everything when nothing was going his way. All he could remember about the events were the events themselves; he couldn't find his own feelings. He scrunched up his face in concentration. He had to go deeper.

He let out a cry as the ropes bit into the boils that had been previously cast upon him. He felt tears stinging his eyes, but he dared not let them fall. Oh, he was afraid all right. But fear would not have helped him later. He was afraid of the last time this had happened… when Bellatrix had taunted him when he had been on the receiving end of one too many curses in one day. But things had gotten better since then, hadn't they?

But what did that mean?

What did it matter if things had gotten better the last time he had been in trouble? What did that do to him? It was not that event that would tell him what he needed to know. It did, however, teach him how to look. He cast about in his mind, trying to find the same connection he had just held, just with a different relevant event. Suddenly it came within his grasp, and he snatched it with abandon.

He was frozen in a moment in time. It took forever for the three figures to take their next step towards the motionless girl that sat on the bank of the lake. But even as slow as they were going, Derek knew that he could go no faster, nor could he help them if he caught up. A sense of panic rose in him to his throat. He didn't want Lily to have to deal with the same thing that he had dealt with. He knew what she would have to deal with… and he knew just how much pain she could be in for, or it might be worse because she was actually a mudblood.

He began to look around, his heart pumping… Wait. The scene stopped playing in Derek's head, but Derek remained in the thick of the emotion and the feelings that coursed through his body back then. He slowly rewound his deep memory until he found the moment he was looking for. What made him look around.

What can I do?

The shock of it brought him back to the present, and he noticed Sarah's confused face in front of him. He summoned a smile to his own and patted her knee. "I don't know if I'd call that hope… but I did find something."

Sarah only got more confused. "If it's not hope, what is it?"

Derek didn't hesitate for a moment. "It's the will to do something about it. It's not paying attention to the danger inherent to the moment, it's trying to prevent the danger from happening at all. It's an instinct; it's a reaction. That's what keeps me going."

Sarah calmed a bit and schooled her face to a more normal expression. She spoke quietly. "Trust in that then… but I'll trust in hope. Because even if hope fails me… it still can succeed." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and stood up. "Goodbye, Derek. I will see you again." She walked away. Derek watched her go. He watched Sarah and Lily exchange goodbyes and a hug before Sarah left the Great Hall. But not before she looked one last time at the boy at the far end of the Gryffindor table.

It was Sarah and her talk of hope that stuck in Derek's mind for the hours that remained that day. The train ride was not a boring one, as there were many Marauder antics that filled the compartments with laughter and gaiety. And the spirit of Christmas… something that Derek was sure he had never experienced himself until that train ride taught it to him. It wasn't hard for James, Sirius and Remus to pull Derek in with them to the festivities (and the pranking, of course).

At the end of the train ride it was just the Marauders and Derek in the compartment when Lily came in and told Peter to leave while she gave a lecture to the rest of the boys in the room. She looked furious, but Peter looked absolutely gleeful in that he was getting out of a lecture to the Marauders. He literally danced out the door. Once he was gone, Lily shut the compartment door in a huff, then dropped the façade. "I'm glad he believed me. There was no other way to get him out of here."

As Lily walked over to sit down, James nodded in agreement (this of course prompting some gawking from Sirius and a catcall to the effect of James and Lily doing very inappropriate things). "Yes, ev- Shut up, Padfoot! Even though we all know about Derek, it isn't our secret to tell, and therefore Peter will know only when Derek tells him." Remus nodded.

"What's this about?" Derek asked warily.

James and Sirius calmed down far more quickly than they did on a normal basis, and Lily and Remus became extremely grave. "This," James said, "is a farewell."

"But this is not a farewell in the fact that you are leaving us. It is a farewell in that we are wishing you to fare well in the challenges that you are heading out to face," Sirius added, without a trace of smugness. The words combined with Sirius being completely serious for once brought out a warm feeling in Derek.

"Because we believe in you," Lily continued, now throwing an amused look at the present Marauders, "and have trained you well." This brought on some snickering from everyone in the room, and Derek's smile was the brightest of all of them. "And we know that you will come back to us in the new year."

"So don't worry about all of us. We'll be fine, because we know that you'll be fine," Remus finished, and all present nodded. At that moment, the train stopped, and the five teenagers began to pack and leave the train, their words turning to less weighty subject matter.

Leaving Derek to think about the things that Sarah had said in combination with what the rest of them had provided to him on the train while he sat dejected in the car on the way to the Manor. Not home. Home implies something else.

Sarah had talked about hope: the feeling that everything will be alright in the end. Lily and the Marauders had provided complete confidence in his success. He wasn't so sure of that himself; but as his friends' confidence in him had been revealed, he had felt his own confidence and calmness growing within himself. He began to understand what Sarah had been talking about when she said that hope is what got her through the hard times. And like him, she truly knew what hard times meant.

He stared out the window as the first few drops of the storm began to fall and mask his vision of the countryside that rushed past the car. Hope. He did hope that he would come out on top. He was definitely prepared; the Marauders and his own father had seen to that. He let himself smile grimly at the irony. His own father training him to be the weapon that he had wanted… but had pointed in the wrong direction himself.

Derek frowned. He wanted to tell Sarah that she had been right… and just in case he actually didn't succeed, he wanted to tell her now. But then the smile returned to his lips, because his parents wouldn't take him directly to Voldemort. They'd let him stew for a while. Instead of stewing, however, he had other plans. And letters to write.