Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.
Prologue-
The wind blows across the Rahad, bringing dust and terrible odors with it, slamming maliciously into Rand al'Thor's face in Kandor. He coughs and gags as the wind flees cackling away and Perrin looks over from his horse,
"Are you alright, buddy? We haven't even made it to the Blight! You can't die yet! The Light will fall to the Shadow, oh no!" Perrin hugs his arms around his horse's neck dreadfully.
"Quiet yourself, Perrin." Rand finally stops coughing and turns his head, looking out over his massive army. Hundreds of Aes Sedai, some Seanchan, the Band of the Red Hand, Perrin's useless boys from the Two Rivers, as well as Faile's even stupider bunch and the few Asha'man that didn't go with Taim to take over Shara.
"I have to do what no one expects." Rand convinces himself as he looks out upon them. Hope is plastered to their faces and their blades are prepared to die for the sake of the Light. Poor bastards. Mat's terrified gasp brings Rand swinging his head back to the North and he realizes it has begun as he feels the Gateway wink out.
Moridin and the massive forces of evil have all Traveled to Kandor where they knew Rand would be attacked by the wind. He would be stopped and distracted, a perfect time for attack. The Forsaken, some Black Ajah, and then some Darkfriend cannon fodder.
"Rand al'Thor, what shall we do?" Sulin asks from below him, standing beside his left stirrup. Rand looks to Mat and motions for him to lower the Horn of Valere from his mouth and Mat pouts.
"Stop putting hard things in your mouth, Mat." Rand then looks down at Sulin and smirks, "I will handle this, Sulin, don't cry for me." Rand heels his horse forwards and Moridin does the same, trotting away from his tremendous army. Rand looks over his shoulder, a tear forming in his eye and his brave men frown sympathetically towards his fate.
"Rand al'Thor, I have waited too long." Moridin barks viciously and unsheathes his heron-mark blade from his back. He leaps down from his black war-horse and Rand does the same, ripping the blade that Aviendha stole for him from his scabbard.
"You're going to regret…doing what you did, Moridin!" Rand leaps forwards, but Moridin dodges underneath. Rand smoothly glides into Monkey eats Banana which meets Banana becomes one with the Earth which transforms into Dog buries Bone which becomes Bone enters Woma—
"Your hesitation will cost you!" Moridin yells and elbows Rand in the side, re-opening the never healing pulsing wounds and Rand's ululating groan echoes throughout the lands. The Forces of Light all lean forwards hopefully and the Forces of Dark lick their lips maliciously.
"Is this the end!" Thom yells out in dread and Noal nods his head as he moves his last stone, defeating him. Thom throws the board away and scowls, looking towards the battle and blows out his mustaches, "When did Rand start fighting?"
Rand looks up from the ground with blood staining his forehead and Moridin thrusts his blade downwards!- but misses.
"Now!" Rand yells as Moridin's blade slams into the ground beside his ear and Moridin nods, thrusting his hand downwards. Rand takes it and is pulled back to his feet and both men embrace Saidin, allowing the rushing torrent to fill each other.
"Not like that, we're not filling each other…" Moridin clarifies and Rand nods hesitantly, as he reaches into his pants and pulls out his Choedan Kal, "I don't wanna touch that." Moridin and Rand link using the powerful Sa'ang…uh, reh…um…leal, and they both channel.
To all that can't channel, the two men are simply holding hands, one holding his own rod, but all the women that can channel fall from their horses or if they're not on horses, they slump to the ground, and the ones already on lying on the ground, busy pillow friends mostly, stand up and throw themselves back down. Everyone looks around through confusion, wondering what has occurred in front of their eyes. Mat quickly places the Horn back to his mouth, but Talmanes slaps it away.
"That's right!" Rand yells from the center beside Moridin and all eyes rest on the two men, "All women here have now been knocked down to a level of new humility! The only reason Aes Sedai are powerful is because of the Power itself! You are nothing without it!"
"That's not true!" Egwene demands from beneath her horse, brushing the dirt from some dress she's wearing. Moridin bursts into laughter and Rand points his rod at her,
"Then prove it!" Thousands of gasps sound from the crowds, all the women knowing they can't prove their usefulness in the slightest.
"Are you going along with this, Moridin!" Mesaana skulks to the center and Moridin looks over his shoulder and nods,
"Of course I am. And do you know how you're going to prove you can do anything without the Power?" Moridin asks and all ears open to listen.
"You're gonna play a game of football, ya biatches!" Rand announces and Cadsuane throws herself from her horse. Semirhage thrusts her fist into her open palm with a devious smirk and Berelain giggles,
"I am so gonna be a cheerleader."
"Each team will have ten players, picked by us to represent each side. The victors will be healed by Damer Flinn." Rand points to a very uncomfortable looking Damer Flinn, already being swarmed by Aes Sedai and Seanchan to heal them.
"Leave Damer alone!" Corele yells and Flinn smiles appreciatively at his bonded Aes Sedai, but her compassion transforms to rage,
"Heal me now, you oaf!" She charges and tackles him from his horse, slapping and clawing. Rand 'tsks' as he walks back to the forces of Light and Aviendha scowls at him,
"Why have you done this, Rand al'Thor? I'm useful aren't I?" Rand snickers and slaps her on the butt,
"Of course you are, babe. Wanna be Wide Receiver?" She immediately nods her head and Rand looks around the Aes Sedai, sizing up the positions.
"I should be Quarter Back!" Siuan rushes forwards at Rand, but Elaida tackles her before she reaches him,
"I'm the real Amyrlin Seat!" Siuan and Elaida wrestle viciously across the grass, losing clothing along the way, but no one bothers watching.
"Egwene, you're QB." Rand announces and Egwene steps forwards and salutes,
"You have faith in me, Rand?"
"Nope," Rand laughs, "I just wanna see you get sacked over and over again." Egwene thrusts her arms out, trying to wrap him in flows of air and she pouts when she can't.
"Hey Rand, put in Sumeko." Mat suggests from his horse and Rand looks towards the group of Kin. Most of em are way too old to play football, but Sumeko and Kirstian seem spry enough,
"Sumeko, you're left guard." Sumeko sighs and nods shyly. Rand then looks for his Running Back. Someone evil and aggressive… "Nynaeve, you're our RB."
"Rand al'Thor, you wool-head! I don't take orders from you!" Nynaeve charges at him, but Rand holds his arms out and forms a wall of air. She slams right into it and bounds backwards.
"Betcha didn't see that coming!" Mat giggles from his horse and he high fives Nalesean who sits beside him.
Over at the Forces of Dark camp, Moridin finishes his free agent signing, finishing his team off with Delana as a reserve.
"Aight girls, it's time to suit up." Moridin snaps his fingers and Padan Fain crawls out from some brush holding a massive cardboard stasis box on his back,
"Aye, my master has called for me, yes?" He holds the box out in his scrawny fingers and Moridin pulls out the tight fitting black short shorts and the silver padded tank top.
"I'm not wearing that!" Lanfear demands and Moridin looks over his shoulder and winks at Rahvin. Rahvin snickers deviously and channels, using the WONDERFUL weave that explodes clothes, dress and shift together and Lanfear squeals.
"Playing naked is ok too, ya know." Moridin laughs and Semirhage cackles and speaks in her burlesque, deep voice,
"I can play naked!" Moridin grabs his swirling stomach and shakes his head rigorously,
"Anyone except you!"