Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

Mat and Rahvin sit in the announcer's booth in the massive football stadium erected in the Plain of Lances, created on short notice by Loial and some of his Ogier boys.

"Mad props, Loial!" Mat speaks into his headpiece and Rahvin nods his head, looking down upon the field.

"We'd like to welcome everyone to Tarmon Grid-Iron, the football game to decide the fate of the world. Cuz I'm pretty sure whichever group of women gets their power back, we'll have to hide underground for a long-ass time."

"Oh definitely," Mat pipes in, "But luckily, it's Rand and Moridin who will get most of the grief. Anyway, it's time for the starting lineups." Music starts up from somewhere and crowd cheers as Perrin emerges from underground, entering the field at the 50 yard line which has a big picture of the Dragon Banner painted onto the grass.

Perrin holds a massive megaphone and speaks with a powerful deep voice,

"The team for the Forces of Light, coached and managed by Rand al'Thor, we have the Light Sabers!" The seven starting women rush onto the field from the left, wearing yellow and white uniforms which expose much skin, designed by Mat of course.

"Oooooh yea!" Thom yells from his 50 yard line seat, sitting beside Noal and Rhuarc, all of them wearing their pants around their ankles.

"Get naked already!" Noal hoots and hollers as he takes his blue pill and passes the container to Thom who passes it to Rhuarc.

"Egwene, one of the biatches that could have been cool, but became a whore later on at QB, Nynaeve the braid tugger at RB, and the three Wide Receivers include bipolar Aviendha, the enticing Leane for, and Morraine who became bearable ten seconds before she disappeared, eh, who cares she's back. And for the two Guards, Sumeko and Kiruna, the big queen looking gargantuan who took four innocent men from their homes! And in reserve, know it all Cadsuane, her know it all apprentice Elayne, and some chick named Elza who I wouldn't trust with a potato, but Rand has no judge of character. That's the Light Sabers, ladies and gentlemen!"

The forces of Light cheer, not for their representatives, but mostly for Leane, Elayne, Aviendha and Morraine wearing the hot outfits. Min and Berelain cheer as they shake their juicy pom-poms and their sparkly hand-held streamers.

"The team just doesn't seem balanced." Rahvin scratches his head up in the booth and Mat looks over,

"What'da ya mean, Rahv?"

"They're all top heavy. What's to stop them from just tipping over? Not that I'm complaining…"

"The underdogs are out of the way!" Perrin yells and points to the right side of the field, "Now for Dark Lordz!" The seven women strut onto the field led by Moridin and the Forces of Light 'boo', but their weak 'boos' are overpowered by the Trollocs and Fades cheering. The Gray men attempt to clap, but their hands phase through each other.

"Who else could be QB other than the babe that made thousands of Choedan Kal stand at attention as Selene…Lanfear!" Perrin announces and Lanfear shakes her booty at the crowd, causing more attention standing, "The three wide receivers are Moghedien, pouty mouth Liandrin, and Mesaana! Semirhage mirrors Nynaeve as Running Back and the Guards are Dumais Well own, Galina and Katerine! In reserve are Graendal, Delana, and sneaky Alviarin."

"Now that's a team of aggressive women." Rahvin smirks from the booth and Mat shrugs his shoulders,

"Liandrin might be good for a hit or two, and I'm not touching Lanfear from fear of burning myself, but the others. Gag!"

"The coin toss in a moment folks," Rahvin says excitedly, "But first our sponsors from Ryne Venamar's Magic Hair Gel have a message for you."

The camera pans away to an empty wall, then back again to Rahvin who squirts some blue gel into his hands and slicks his hair back,

"It's me! Pimp-tastic yo! If ya want Domani and Saldeans, use Ryne Venamar's Magic Hair Gel!" He points both hands at the camera and winks with a debonair smirk, "And now the toss!"

Perrin tosses his megaphone away and awaits Egwene and Lanfear to walk to the 50 yard line. He looks to both of them and then decides allowing Lanfear to call it will save him from pain,

"In the air, Ms. Lanfear…please, if you want to."

"Just toss it!" Lanfear demands and Perrin swallows and tosses the gold Tar Valon mark into the air. They all watch as it spirals down, but a messenger pigeon swoops down and snatches it away.

"Muahahahahaha!" Juilin Sandar stands at the top of the bleachers and awaits the pigeon to land on his wrist, "I'm a thief catcher, not a thief! Oh right, I am! Peace!" Juilin jumps over the rail and falls fifty yards onto his horse and rides away into the day.

"We've already been robbed by a black guy." Rahvin says from the booth and Mat sighs,

"So the Tairens are black, I knew it!"

"Uhhh, I think Lanfear would have won anyways." Perrin says at the toss location and Lanfear nods her head,

"I have decided, we shall receive."

"No kiddin." Perrin says through the obvious, but clears his throat when Lanfear glares at him. He quickly puts the football at the 30 yard line and runs to the sideline.

"The Light Sabers are bringing Elayne out to kick the ball," Mat announces as she walks across the field with her chin held high, barely seeing where she is going, "Why they picked her, I have no idea."

Perrin blows his whistle and Elayne rushes forwards, leading the Light Sabers towards the ball. She brings her foot back and slams forwards, kicking the ball as powerfully as she can, sending the ball sailing through the air…ten yards.

Rahvin bursts into tears through laughter, holding his stomach,

"She should have chin-kicked it!" Liandrin rushes to recover the ball and Semirhage and Katerine block her. Egwene leaps forwards and is slapped away by Semirhage, sending her tumbling across the ground. Aviendha rushes forwards next and kicks Katerine in the legs, tripping her violently.

"That's gotta be a penalty!" Mat demands from the booth and Perrin grabs his yellow flag, but Rand shakes his head with a glare. Perrin clears his throat and removes his hand,

"I'll allow it."

Nynaeve finally drags Liandrin to the ground at the 10 yard line and the Dark forces of the crowd cheer and the Light forces 'boo' the sobbing Elayne off the field.

"Now the fun begins, ladies and gents!" Mat announces and Rahvin nods his head,

"Hell yea, my pizza's here!" Demandred slumps into the booth holding a large pizza and Rahvin snatches it away,

"Look at the little non-Nae'blis bitch!" Demandred sniffles and Rahvin kicks him out the door snickering.

"Ah, Rahv, I said no Grolm eyes!" Mat complains and Rahvin cackles as he squirts some Ryne Venemar hair gel onto his pizza slice.

The two teams line up at the 10 yard line, most of the Light Sabers shivering and the Dark Lordz glare fiercely. Mesaana hikes the ball to Lanfear and Galina and Katerine rush forwards to block. Nynaeve rushes forwards for the sack, but Galina tackles her to the ground. Lanfear then stiff arms Egwene in the face and tosses the ball to Liandrin in a screen.

Sumeko stands right in front of her, but freezes and doesn't move.

"Tackle her, dumbass!" Aviendha yells, but Sumeko shakes her head,

"I can't tackle an Aes Sedai!" Aviendha groans and attempts to rush over as Liandrin cackles and breaks for the end zone. Kiruna leaps for her, but Semirhage grabs the other woman around the torso and suplexes her to the ground.

"I called it! Suplex in the First Quarter!" Rahvin cheers, "Booya!"

Liandrin easily rushes into the end zone with Morraine and Leane standing still and not moving one way or another and the Dark forces of the crowd cheer. Min and Berelain lower their pom-poms frowning,

"It's okay girls, we'll stop them next time!"

Moridin looks around for his team's cheerleaders and spots Aran'gar hiding behind Gatorade Coolers,

"Hey, Aran, get out there and cheer!" Aran'gar shakes her head angrily and crosses her arms,

"I'm a man damnit! I refuse to put on a skirt!"

"Boys can be cheerleaders!" Aram asks excitedly and rushes from the sideline to Berelain and Min wearing a yellow and white skirt, "Woohoo! C'mon, bring on the cheers, girls!"