Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.
"Before we start the Second Quarter, Else Grinwell has an injury report down on the field on Nynaeve's condition." Rahvin picks cheese from his teeth as the camera pans down to Else holding a microphone on the sideline.
"Well, Rahvin…and Mat, Nynaeve would have no problem blending in with Seanchan Royalty in her current state. Semirhage ripped out even the roots…and Flinn refuses to heal her. Who can blame him?"
"Will she die?" Mat asks anxiously and Else shakes her head and looks over her shoulder at the groaning Nynaeve lying on a stretcher,
"I doubt that, Mat, but she will definitely have to find something else to jerk on when she's angry."
"I've got something." Rahvin says, trying hard not to burst into laughter, but fails.
"That isn't very nice, Rahvin." Else chides and Rahvin regains his composure with a throat clear,
"Of course not. I apologize. So uh…what color panties you wearin?" Else covers her red face through embarrassment and Rahvin and Mat slap each other's hands.
"Ya know, Rahv, some Aes Sedai can't even heal bruises. Let alone complete scalp-ation." Mat says proudly of his information and Rahvin nods his head,
"Yea, I've heard about that. They have a number of different weaves, but none are funner than the one that cures…impotence."
"Impotence!"
"Yea, guess which ones found out about this one? The Greens! Big surprise, eh?" Rahvin continues laughing and Mat shakes his head,
"You've gotta stop sleepin around, Rahv, it could lead to more problems like that."
"Yea, look who's talkin! You're just jealous because I ruled my queen and yours ruled you."
"Hey! We're not talking about that!" Mat demands and Rahvin claps Mat on the shoulder,
"All I'm sayin is that I'm jealous towards the MVP of this game, because those pillow friendly channelers are gonna thank her immensely."
"You really think so?" Mat asks intrigued and Rahvin nods his head,
"Oh definitely. The woman who allows all women to regain the touch on the One Power is gonna get touched…nicely."
"I uh…have to go do something." Mat stands up, holding his hands over his crotch and runs out of the announcer's booth.
"Boy can't handle lesbian themes…"
Perrin blows his whistle, signaling the beginning of the second quarter and the Light Sabers receive the kick. Now that Elza and Moraine are both absent, both Cadsuane and Elayne have been substituted in.
"I've got it!" Cadsuane yells as the ball descends and she pushes Egwene away.
"Hey, I'm the—" Cadsuane pushes her again and catches the ball.
"Haha! Look at me, I'm important!" Cadsuane starts jumping into the air, clicking her heels together and Aviendha growls,
"Start runnin or I'll tackle you myself!"
"Excuse me, young missy, but I happen to be—" The Dark Lordz slam onto Cadsuane as one unstoppable force and Aviendha claps along with the Dark Forces in the audience as she is flattened.
"Okay, listen up." Egwene begins as the team lines up at the 5 yard line and Cadsuane limps towards them,
"Throw me the ball."
"No. I'm throwing it to…" Egwene looks at Leane and then at Sumeko and then at Kiruna and finally nods, "Okay, Kiruna, screen pass."
"We can hear you guys." Mesaana says at the non-huddled Light Sabers and Aviendha slaps her own forehead. Egwene growls and calls for the huddle and Perrin blows his whistle loudly,
"Delay of Game!"
"Oh don't you dare!" Faile yells from the sideline and Perrin spins around as she rushes towards him.
"I'm just doing my job, honey bear." He whimpers and Faile growls and punches him in the chest,
"You just want everyone to be quick like you!" She prods him in the pelvis and Perrin groans,
"Why do you have to be so mean to me, shnookums?"
"Don't talk back to me!" Faile slaps Perrin across the face and he frowns,
"I apologize for whatever I did, peanut butter cup, but I—"
"And you still haven't gotten what I told you to buy!"
"Gosh, coconut crème pie, that aisle makes me so uncomfortable…"
"I won't tell you again!"
"Ok, I'm sorry, I'll go." Perrin takes the five silver marks from Faile and rushes away from the field and everyone looks around confused.
"Well this is odd." Rahvin says from the booth as a handsome man stalks into the booth with his blade drawn, "Who are you?"
"I've come to slay you, Lord Gaebril. I am your nemesis."
"Gareth Bryne?" Rahvin asks through confusion and the man growls,
"No! I'm Tallanvor! A younger version."
"Ahhhhh. Okay, what do you want?"
"I've come to smite you!"
"Why?" Rahvin asks, standing up and crossing his arms and Tallanvor holds up his blade,
"You besmirched the virtue of Queen Morgase!"
"Lemme tell you, about twenty guys beat me there." Rahvin shrugs and Tallanvor's scowl deepens,
"You won't speak in such a manner about my true love!"
"Why do you love her anyway? You're young, why go after an older, used woman?"
"Because if I marry her, I can be King!" Tallanvor cackles triumphantly and Rahvin sighs,
"Sorry, but you can't be King. (Serious face) Caemyln has no King…Caemlyn needs no King."
"What…what do you mean? I can't be King?" Tallanvor lowers his sword as a tear rolls down his cheek.
"Sorry buddy, better luck next time." Rahvin places his shoulder on Tallanvor's shoulder comfortingly,
"All that for nothing…I feel so used…" Tallanvor turns around and slinks away.
"You wanna be referee?"
"I can't be King…I just wanna be alone for a little while…" Tallanvor disappears into the shadows and Rahvin sighs and turns back around to find Galad sitting in Mat's vacant seat,
"Can I be ref!"
"Sorry, Galad, but you'd distract the women. We need someone that no one likes…"
"Fain?" Galad asks and Rahvin thinks for a moment and then shakes his head,
"No, he's too free with his hands around young girls."
"Gawyn? He can't even get throw-away trim."
"Nah…we need someone even more repulsive…wait! I got it!"
"Oh, haha! Very funny." Bel'al walks down from the bleachers and hops down onto the field, "Alright, let's get this thang goin."
"Don't tell us what to do!" Elayne yells viciously and Bel'al holds his hands up defensively,
"Sorry, but that Blacksmith left so I'm gonna be—"
"Just go…go stand over there." Elayne waves her hands over towards the sidelines and Bel'al frowns and walks away.
"Hike!" Egwene throws the ball to Kiruna immediately, who catches it and spins away from Lanfear. She cackles and continues down the sidelines, but Moghedien catches up. She leaps at her feet, but Kiruna sidesteps, and then hops back in bounds and keeps running. Bel'al blows his whistle and stomps where Kiruna stepped out,
"Balls dead here, honey." He waves and Kiruna and the other Light Sabers turn and scowl at him. He swallows and mops sweat from his forehead.
"You dare say I say stepped out!" Kiruna rears up into Bel'al's face and he backs away,
"I—uh, well—I think ya…umm you—"
"Why are you even here, gawd!" Elayne stands the tips of her toes and Bel'al throws his hands up,
"Not even Callandor is worth this! Screw you all and I hope you rot in Shayol Ghul!" Bel'al sobs as he runs off the field and Kiruna places the ball where she believes it goes.
"Hmmm, we've totally gotta find a new Ref." Rahvin rubs his hands through his hair and Galad smirks,
"I'm still here, ya know."
"You're the only man that can stand up to me and Ryne in looks, but if you don't shut your mouth, I'll have to change that." Galad frowns and slumps down in his seat.
"Hike!" Egwene grabs the ball and throws it to Aviendha who jumps over Galina to catch it. She lands on the ground and charges down the field. She kicks Liandrin in the shin and then chops Lanfear in the neck.
"Damn, she can fight!" Galad yells excitedly as he stands up and looks down through the glass window, "Dude! Is that a nipple!"
"What! Where!" Rahvin jumps up and looks towards the field expectantly, but frowns, "Nope, pepperoni slice." He peels the pepperoni off the window and Galad groans.
Aviendha is dragged down at the 40 and the Forces of Light finally have a reason to cheer. Aviendha high fives herself and walks back to the huddle. Cadsuane looks towards her and 'sniffs',
"I would have done it differently, but you tried your best and that's all that matters." Aviendha growls and reaches for her shofa, but decides against it.
"Hike!" Egwene hands the ball off to Aviendha again and Sumeko squeals and leaps forwards, blocking Mesaana's tackle. Katerine leaps forwards, but Kiruna intercepts and slams her head into Katerine's stomach.
"Yes! Go! Go!" Min and Berelain cheer from the sidelines and Arem continues to click his tongue in disappointment,
"Rookies."
Aviendha kicks Galina in the neck, sending the Black Aes Sedai flailing backwards to the ground and the crowd boos, but luckily there is no ref. Semirhage finally leaps forwards and Aviendha quickly rolls out of bounds to avoid being destroyed.
"And it appears Galina is down for the count!" Rahvin announces as Trollocs rush her from the field and Galad shrugs,
"Eh, who cares? Now we get to see Alviarin in that tight little uniform!"
Rand snickers deviously as the Trollocs wheel Galina off the field and he looks over to his strategic coordinator, Elyas.
"Long Tooth, you know what to do." Elyas looks up and shakes his head,
"Sir, it'll be much too bloody."
"Release the hounds, minion." Rand orders and Elyas nods and holds his hands up,
"The Final Hunt has come!"
Hundreds of howls sound out around the stadium and wolves begin pouring over the walls, instilling fear in everyone, but they are only intent on the incapacitated Galina.
"REMEMBER THE ALAM—umm, REMEMBER DUMAI'S WELLS!" The wolves leap onto Galina and Rand cackles viciously, holding his hands into the air,
"That's for beating me, wench!" He quickly looks onto the field and Katerine gasps as his finger falls onto her, "You're next!"