Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

Rand and Moridin face off at the sidelines, glaring at each other as the wolves finish their repast and rush away from the field, leaving the crowd screaming in terror.

"G'damnit, Rand! You just had two of my best players devoured alive!" Moridin demands angrily and Rand shakes his fist,

"How would you like being shoved in a box for days, having to smell your own ass 24/7!"

Moridin fantasizes at the thought but quickly looks around with frown,

"Listen, I know they were bitches…but there are kids here! Have you no heart!"

"I must be…" (serious face) "I must be harder than stone." Rand turns around and walks away and Moridin snickers, still thinking about his own wonderful smell. He then spins around to survey his bench.

"Alviarin and Graendal, you're in." He points towards the field and Alviarin rises from her seat and tip-toes across the field, but Graendal shakes her head,

"No, thank you, I'm quite content sitting here on the bench."

"Did I ask you?"

"Well, I—"

"Get your fat ass up and hustle!" Moridin yells, slapping Graendal on her bublicious booty and she rushes onto the field.

"Well it appears the second quarter is going to continue where Aviendha was brought down." Rahvin says from the booth and Galad nods his head,

"The wolves have parted, thank the—" Galad throws a meatball to the floor and wipes his hand on his pants, "Damnit, Rahvin, you're the messiest eater I've ever met!"

"Oh yea?" Rahvin snickers, "That's funny, cuz that's what yo momma said!"

"WHAT?" Galad jumps to his feet furiously and Rahvin holds his fists up, "You take that back!"

"It's the truth, though. When I was done, she said that I—"

"You sick bastard!" Galad plops back down into his seat and Rahvin places his hand on Galad's shoulder,

"Why do you care? She's not your real mother."

"Oh yea, I forgot. So uh…how was it?"

"Hike!" Egwene back steps and Kiruna slide trips Semirhage as Aviendha waves for the ball. Egwene hurls the ball across the field and Aviendha leaps into the air with Lanfear right behind her. They collide in the air and fall to the ground, both of them pointing at the other for interference.

"She kicked me!" Lanfear complains and Aviendha shakes her head quickly,

"This bitch tried to grab my—"

"Silence!" A loud, commanding voice sounds from the tops of the bleachers and all eyes go wide.

"The Creator!" Rahvin asks fearfully, looking up and out of the glass booth.

"Daddy!" Olver asks from the floor, still sobbing after the disappearance of his mother.

"Nope! And HELL NO!" Bael says as he leaps down to the field and lands in a ninja crouch.

"Hi, Bael!" Berelain waves her pom-poms wildly and Aram leaps in front of her swooning,

"No, look at me!"

"Sup, peeps. All plays go through me now, and anyone that has anything to say can answer to…hmmm, me!"

"Ah yea, that's a good choice for ref I think." Rahvin says as Galad sniffles sadly, "He's can keep control of two women when most men in Wot can't survive even one!"

"Hey!" Perrin yells from behind the Gatorade bins and then curses, foolishly having given up his hiding place.

"You wooly oaf! Get my products!" Faile chases him off into the distance and Rahvin shakes his head sympathetically.

"Offensive pass interference, I'm gonna make it a 20 yard penalty because I can." Bael says casually and sits down cross legged on the sideline. Aviendha grumbles as she walks back to the huddle and Cadsuane waves her hands,

"I got a play! This is how it goes! What happens is that I—"

"Shut it!" Aviendha kicks Cadsuane in the shin, sending her hobbling to the ground and then looks to Egwene, "Throw me the ball again."

"Ok."

"We can still hear you." Mesaana says once again and Egwene glares.

"Just get open!" Egwene orders and hikes the ball. Lanfear, Semirhage, and Liandrin rush forwards for the sack and Leane and Sumeko run away scared. Egwene looks up field to the triple covered Aviendha and scowls. She tosses the ball to Elayne and leaps away and Elayne's eyes widen as she is plowed.

"Oh what the fuck!" Rand yells from the sidelines and the crowd gasps, "Oh c'mon, it's PG13, I can say it once." Rand kicks the empty bench angrily as the bloodied Elayne is dragged off the field and he looks to the approaching Moridin.

"You don't have anymore players there, Rand-dawg." Moridin says and Rand sighs,

"I figured we'd lose, but not in the 2nd quarter. I can't surrender, not yet!" Rand thrusts his fist into his palm as Lan rolls from the crowd with his blade drawn.

"Ahhhhh! The Warder of Prophecy!" Moridin squeals and rushes away and Lan raises an eyebrow.

"Why are you here?"

"You can still put in Nynaeve, Rand. She's strong in both body and spirit…and mouth."

"But she's injured…" Rand looks over his shoulder to Nynaeve who plays a PSP on her sickbed.

"I'm really hurt though…bastard." Nynaeve continues smashing away at buttons and Rand glares,

"With any hope, she'll die if I put her back in."

"Exactly!" Lan says excitedly and Rand's eyes widen,

"You mean you want her dead!"

"I married her for the ass, not the attitude. Ever since that damn boat, I've been a slave…" Lan sniffles sullenly, "I don't feel like a man anymore."

"I'll put her in, Lan…for all the Xbox fans, I'll put her in." Rand claps Lan on the shoulder and snaps his fingers, "Nynaeve, get in there!" Nynaeve curses and leaps from the bed and hobbles back onto the field, the Forces of Light cheering for her imminent doom.

"That was so touching…" Galad wipes tears from his eyes and Rahvin spits,

"Who the hell would want a bald biatch for a wife?"

"Hey!" Tuon yells angrily, rushing into the booth and Rahvin throws the pizza box at her,

"Get back in your cage, troll!"

"Hike!" Egwene quickly hands the ball off to Nynaeve and she rushes up the field, limping and hobbling, but Kiruna and Aviendha block for her. She finally rushes out at the Dark Lordz' 20 yard line at the two minute warning.

"The end zone is in sight, but we only have three minutes left!" Cadsuane yells, running around crazily in circles and Egwene spits on her hands.

"Two minutes, dumbass." Aviendha growls, but Egwene catches her shoulder,

"Listen, Avi, I'm gonna throw it to you." She whispers for once and Mesaana frowns, "Run out of bounds as soon as you can."

"Give me an 'Egg'! Give me a 'Win'!" Berelain giggles and Aram covers his face angrily,

"Are you even trying!"

"Hike!" Egwene rushes backwards in the shotgun and hurls the ball towards the sidelines to Aviendha, but it soars over her head and into the crowd. Gawyn's eyes widen as he reaches out and catches it, stealing it away from Jisao.

"Haha! She threw it to me! Egwene, honey, sign the ball for me won't you!"

"Oh come now, Gawyn," Logain laughs from beside him, "She only pretends to like you because Rand has Elayne. She'd sooner let Bela mount her than you."

"That's not true!" Gawyn cries, holding the ball into the air, "You love me right, Egwene!"

"Get the ball!" The Dark Lordz yell and rush to the sidelines and Logain and the Younglings scatter, leaving Gawyn alone as the team leaps over the rail and crushes him in the metal seat.

"The Light Sabers might have time for three more plays. Let's see if they get a miracle…" Galad says, not caring for the fate of his little brother and Rahvin shrugs,

"They need to hurry up so Half-Time can start. I hear they have a contortionist!"

"Really!" Olver asks excitedly and Rahvin kicks him in the head.

"Hike!" Egwene hands the ball off to Nynaeve as the blitz rushes forwards viciously. Aviendha kicks Lanfear in the stomach, sending her backwards and Kiruna and Semirhage clamp arms and begins a powerful sumo match. Nynaeve leaps over Liandrin's tackle and rushes down the sideline as Moghedien leaps forwards.

"I'll get her!" Cadsuane rushes forwards fiercely and leaps at Moghedien, but misses horribly and slams into the bleachers. Leane leaps out of the way as Nynaeve leaps for the end zone, but Moghedien clasps onto her ankle.

"You'll never be rid of me!" Moghedien yells as Nynaeve groans and reaches her arm forwards, attempting to place the ball over the line, but Semirhage cackles and leaps forwards,

"Make peace with the Force, Nynaeve!" Galad looks away as the behemoth lands hard on Nynaeve, crushing her underneath and the ball rolls from underneath.

Alviarin rolls forwards and snatches up the ball, rushing back down the field with no to block her.

"Nooo!" Cadsuane falls to the ground with a concussion from slamming into the rail and Semirhage stands up from the lifeless Nynaeve. Bael blows his whistle as Alviarin scores.

Tears leak from the crowd and Rahvin stands to his feet,

"Good night, Sweet Princess, muse of the braid puller, you shall live on in our hearts for as long as we—AND NOW TIME FOR THE HALF TIME SHOW, BROUGHT TO YOU BY RYNE VENEMAR HAIR GEL!"