Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.
"Welcome back to the Field of Lances, where everything seems to be settling down with the Aiel grill'n the S'redit out back and the Murasaka Sisters chill'n out in my trailer." Rahvin takes a large bite of his juicy S'redit burger and smirks, "Unfortunately my co-announcer Galad is missing in action and its best to assume he's playin golf up in heaven with the contortionist."
"Golf?" Bael asks through confusion and Rahvin groans as he squirts hair gel onto the burger bun,
"I meant 'strokin it' up in heaven but since Olver is sitting—"
"Stroke!" Noal jumps into the air, checking his blood pressure and quickly pops back two more pills.
"Gah! Enough with this. We're about to start…" Rahvin says taking another bite, but Bael shakes his head.
"No we're not. The Light Sabers yet again don't have enough players." Bael walks over to the Light Sabers' bench where Rand grumbles, looking around at his disheveled players. Maybe he should have tried harder to win, but joining the Dark Side. He would put the injured Elayne back in, but she snuck off during Half Time.
"What's it gonna be?" Moridin asks as he sneaks over and Rand frowns pathetically,
"Can I call any players from the audience? Pleeeeaaasssse."
"You only need one." Bael informs as he counts the beans once more and Rand looks up, studying the Aes Sedai. Siuan and Elaida wave their hands in the air, rushing down the middle aisle eagerly, but Sheriam puts her leg out, tripping the both of them.
Talmanes and Nalesean laugh hysterically as the women crash to the ground and Rand shakes his head,
"Like I'm gonna pick either of you! (Serious face) I won't dance on Aes Sedai strings!" Moridin rubs his chin and then snaps his fingers,
"I got it! Maybe you should hold a survivor game to see who the best candidate is!"
"Uhh, I think we already have one of those." Rahvin says, double checking the front page, "Yep, and it's making us look bad...REAL bad."
"Damnit…Bashere, you choose." Rand says looking towards his strategy advisor.
"Nah girl, of course I'm a dentist. Trust me."
"BASHERE!"
"Huh, whuh!" Bashere spins around from his 'patient' and scowls, "You're interrupting my 'practice.'
"Your pay comes from my wallet! Now tell me who to put in!" Rand orders angrily and Bashere looks to the crowd,
"I would love to see Verin in that tight outfit."
"Ugggh!" The entire stadium vomits and gags at once and Rand grabs his stomach in pain,
"You got some sick fantasies!"
"My daughter's Faile, what the fuck do you expect!" Bashere growls, shaking his fist at the sky.
"Just pick one!" Bael demands and Rand turns back around, weighing the crowd.
"How about the one that raped you with her massive, throbbing warder bond?" Moridin asks and Rand almost falls to his knees in tears, the memory too much for him, "Too early? Does it still pain your heart?"
"Among other things…" Rahvin cackles from the booth and Bael shakes his head at the whimpering Car'a'carn.
Rand sniffles and wipes his eyes,
"Alanna it is...only because I can't remember anyone else's names…" Rand grabs a tissue and rushes away under the bench to continue his wailing. Alanna makes her way down the bleachers to the others and Bael smirks,
"Finally. And since I feel sorry for their coach, the Light Sabers shall receive. Get to it!" Bael blows his whistle and both teams take the field.
"Okay, this is the plan," Cadsuane begins, "I'll catch it, you all block like—"
"I'll spit you like I did that boar horse!" Aviendha yells as Semirhage sends the ball screaming through the air, burning in a spiral like before. Cadsuane's eyes widen and she runs the other way and Leane follows right behind.
The ball slams down at the 1 yard line, burning through the ground and Egwene rushes over, vigorously attempting to dislodge it. The Dark Lordz roar down the field and Egwene's eyes widen as they enclose.
"I'd say just fall on top of it…but that's just me." Aviendha warns and Egwene finally concedes and downs the already downed ball.
"Ah damnit. We don't get to kill her!" Semirhage frowns and Lanfear pats her on the shoulder,
"Maybe next time."
"Ummm, we still need to get the ball out." Alanna says impatiently and Bael groans and rushes over, pulling out a spear. He impales the ball, sending the air rushing out, and then pulls the deflated ball out of the hole,
"C'mon, common sense people."
"We playing ultimate Frisbee now!" Rahvin asks from the booth and Olver claps his hands,
"Yay! Me and Daddy used to play that!"
"You did not!" Rahvin yells, beginning to squirt hair gel at the boy, but decides against it and simply kicks him.
A new ball is airlifted in and the Light Sabers take the ball at the 1 yard line, an imminent safety looming.
"We should just give it to them." Alanna suggests and Egwene scowls and looks over her shoulder, down the field,
"Nope. We're gonna Hail-Mary it. Can you catch, Alanna?"
"The question is 'do I want to'?"
"No, that's not what she asked!" Aviendha growls, "Whore."
"Hey! He's the one that already had three women," Alanna defends with tears in her eyes, "I felt left out!"
"Me too!" Berelain waves her hands into the air and Cadsuane frowns,
"Me too."
"Me too." Lanfear says from the other side, holding up her hand and Semirhage thinks about it and then holds up her hand.
"You all do realize that there are single guys right in front of your faces right?" Narishma yells desperately, but everyone ignores him.
"Hike!" Egwene pans back, jumping away from Moghedien's flailing arms and Kiruna, Sumeko, and Leane struggle to hold back and a raging Semirhage. Alanna and Aviendha both wave their hands down field and Egwene throws the ball into the air as Graendal leaps at her.
"Mine, mine!" Alanna yells, reaching upwards as Mesaana jumps into the air. Both women collide in the air and Aviendha cackles as she catches the ball at the forty and spins by Alviarin. She hurdles over Liandrin's pitiful attempt at a tackle and then gasps as she comes eye to eye with Lanfear.
"I should have killed you at the docks!"
"But I thought you died at the docks and then came back as—" Lanfear shakes her head,
"This obviously doesn't follow the storyline too well," (Nalesean waves with a smile), "Let's just finish this!" Both women rush at each other, jumping and kicking and the crowd leans forwards as one.
"Ooooh, I'm taking bets! 3-1 on Aviendha, the Maiden of the Spear with the pounce of the cheetah!" Rahvin smirks as Aviendha lands a well placed kick, but Lanfear counters with an uppercut, "Well wait a second! The Daughter of the Night don't give up easily. My blood's cold, but I'm enjoyin this shit!"
"Go Lanfear! Rip her shirt off!" Logain yells and Gawyn shakes his head,
"No, go Aviendha!"
"Gawyn, who do you want to see naked more!" Logain asks and Gawyn bites his lower lip,
"Both of em?"
"Good answer!"
Aviendha ducks underneath a roundhouse kick and sends an off balance Lanfear crashing to the ground with a well placed elbow. She cackles and rushes towards the end zone, but forgets the ball.
"No! Don't toy with my emotions! Pick it up!" Rand yells and Aviendha spins around only to see the Dark Lordz rushing after her. She quickly leaps forwards onto the ball as the Dark Lordz leap onto her.
"Oh wow, on the 10 yard line! This is the closest the Light Sabers have ever been to the end zone!" Rahvin yells excitedly, "Wait…who am I rooting for?"
"Okay, we're definitely going to score." Egwene says happily and Cadsuane nods her head contently,
"Yea, thanks to me."
"We can't throw it, there could be an interception." Leane suggests and Egwene nods,
"Then I'll sneak it.
"Hike!" Egwene drops back as the two teams collide into one another, the Dark Lordz blitzing viciously, obviously having heard the play once again, but Lanfear leaps over the lines.
"I won't fail twice! Lews Therin is mine!" Rand looks around confused as Lews Therin snickers deviously as he continues doing cartwheels on the sidelines in the Light Saber mascot uniform.
Egwene attempts to turn away, but Lanfear reaches forwards with clawing hands and sends Egwene to the ground. The crowd gasps as the ball comes loose, but Lanfear disregards as she continues clawing at Egwene's eyes.
"Ah c'mon, that's illegal!" Rahvin yells as Gawyn cries out and rushes onto the field to save his beloved. Bael blows his whistle, rushing forwards to haul Lanfear away from the shrieking Egwene, but the damage has been done.
"She messed up my mascara! I'm not playing anymore!" Egwene pouts angrily and Rand slams his playbook on the ground.
"You can't just quit on me! You're my QB!"
"Says who!" Egwene crosses her arms underneath her breasts and then switches to placing them on her hips, and then back again.
"Who's going to replace Egwene?" Aviendha asks, spinning the ball on her index finger,
"Perhaps I can be of assistance?" A wonderful, mellifluous, graceful, and sexi-licious voice sounds out from behind and all eyes turn to land on the gorgeous Birgitte, standing next to a fully healed Elayne, although with slightly broader shoulders.
"Where did you get off to, Elayne!" Rand asks and Elayne points to Birgitte.
"She never had the power to begin with," Moridin says, "But if she wants to play, I wouldn't mind seeing her in that uniform…and with maybe her hair loose?"
"Don't push it!" Birgitte warns and Moridin nods quickly,
"Yes ma'am."