A/N: First off, immense thanks to all who read and reviewed, I really enjoyed this one and I hope you all did too! Although it was all over the place and probably a "few" plot holes and even a bit inappropriate in nature:)
Disclaimer – I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.
The Dark Lordz receive the ball at the twenty and all becomes a hush as a furious Lanfear rushes the ball back up the field. 'Elayne' and Birgitte lead the counter attack with Aviendha and Kiruna flanking their sides.
"You have no chance, Archer!" Semirhage growls as she leaps forwards in a beastly block, and Birgitte spins away gracefully, flipping that hair oh so sexily, but Liandrin cuts her legs out from underneath.
'Elayne' jumps forwards, and barely grabs a hold of Lanfear's well lotioned leg, and holds on as 'she' is dragged along, while being kicked and prodded by Graendal. Delana and Leane engage in a vicious glaring match off to the side, but Sumeko readies herself in front of the charge,
"I'll become a true Aes Sedai if I help this tim—" Sumeko's words are trampled as she herself is and the crowd cringes as the Dark Lordz continue passed the fifty.
"This can't happen! The good guys are supposed to win!" Rahvin cries from the booth and Olver looks up at him with a raised brow,
"I didn't know you cared."
"Shut up!" Rahvin wipes a tear from his eye and sniffles, "If those Dark Aes Sedai get their powers back…I'm gonna have to start wearing panties."
'Elayne' finally pushes Graendal away and brings down the gazelle like Lanfear at the Light Sabers' thirty yard line, the imminent touchdown looming. Both teams huddle up exhausted and Egwene scowls from the bench,
"They need me! They're going to lose, let me back in, al'Thor!" She shakes her evil little fist at Rand who hides behind Elyas and Davram as he sticks his tongue out at her,
"It was you who decided to leave the game in the first place!"
"Don't tell me what I did or didn't do, wool face!" Egwene hurls an orange cone at Rand's head and he leaps down underneath the bench.
"Okay, girls, we have to stop the pass at all costs!" Birgitte explains and Leane raises her hand,
"Does that mean doing more than scowling at the other team?"
"Leane, if you actual do something, I'll make sure you get all the makeup you could ever want!" Birgitte offers and Leane's eyes widen with an adolescent gleam.
Lanfear hikes the ball and pans backwards as Birgitte rushes away to cover Liandrin and Leane and Kiruna rush forwards for the blitz while Alanna sits to the side, filing her nails. Semirhage easily grabs Leane and Kiruna by their hair, but 'Elayne' leaps over them, and hurls 'herself' at a very surprised Lanfear.
"You grab my shorts and I swear!" Lanfear attempts to spin out of the way, but 'Elayne' brings her down for the five yard sack and the Light Forces of the crowd erupt in cheers.
"Yes! I knew it! Give me an E!" Aram shouts from the sidelines, kicking his legs up, but realizes his squad isn't giving any support. He spins around and scowls at the three lovely ladies busying themselves in the Gatorade and scowls, "Get up and cheer damnit!"
"Hey, whose side are you on!" Thom yells angrily, throwing his special knives at Aram who squeals and runs away from the barrage of projectiles from the crowd.
"Do I get my makeup, do I, do I!" Leane asks, tugging on Birgitte's shirt and Cadsuane hauls her away,
"I did more, honest!" Birgitte looks at Cadsuane suspiciously who has half a hot dog in her mouth and a soda in her hand,
"Where have you been for the last ten plays!"
"I was…here…"
"Hike!" Lanfear drops back and immediately throws the ball to the spinning Liandrin and Birgitte reaches up quickly, tipping the ball upwards. All eyes widen in suspense as Myrelle sends Min's leg twitching uncontrollably, massaging those dainty little feet…oh, and 'Elayne' jumps through the air for that ball thingy.
"Interception!" Rahvin yells, leaping to his feet, and then groans through the pain of slamming 'his goods' on his desk and falls back to the ground, reaching for the ice and pain relievers, but Olver snatches them away and cackles as he runs to the other side of the booth.
'Elayne' speeds back down the field with the Dark Lordz hot in pursuit, Lanfear the foremost, now absolutely livid at the other 'woman.'
"You won't escape me, impersonator!" Lanfear reaches forwards and grabs a hold of the oh-so annoying bundle of red curls and 'Elayne' gasps as 'she' is pulled backwards.
"I shouldn't have used glue!" 'She' yells as Lanfear sends 'her' crumbling to the ground and Lanfear reaches for the ball, but it won't budge from the other's grip.
"I wonder if Lanfear would ever join the other three…" Noal ponders from his seat, looking from one side to the other and Rhuarc shakes his head,
"I hear she's really a little girl, and oddly enough, that's the one thing that goes against Aiel Custom."
"Too bad for ya'll." Shaidar Haran says as he takes a seat next to the no pants wearing grandpas with Cyndane on his lap.
"Dude, where'd you come from!" Noal asks, surveying the sky for thunder and lightning and Shaidar Haran shakes his head,
"I only do that sometimes, I'm just out for a nice outing with this useless character that almost got left out."
"Hey, I got left out too!" Beslan yells angrily from the bleachers and Shaidar shrugs his shoulders,
"And now you're not, be happy and shut up."
"This is it, Elayne, a Hail Mary to finish it." Birgitte explains in the huddle and 'Elayne' nods 'her' head with a smirk, "Cadsuane, keep Liandrin occupied."
"You mean by telling her a long, boring story about how I'm so great?" She asks and Birgitte ignores her and looks to Sumeko,
"Sumi, sweety, I'm gonna need you to block for me, okay?"
"I won't fail!" Sumeko says from the wheel-chair in the full body cast and Birgitte smiles and calls for the hike. 'Elayne' rushes away quickly, dodging Semirhage's massive meat hooks and Liandrin rushes to cover. Cadsuane actually attempts to do her job, but Delana sticks her leg out and trips her.
'Elayne' groans as she rushes down the field, covered by both Liandrin and Lanfear, but the crowd begins chanting her name to instill confidence. They actually call out 'Berelain', but it sounds close and over the commotion, 'she' thinks they're calling 'her' name.
"I'm doing this for an important reason!" 'Elayne' demands as 'she' runs hard and looks over 'her' shoulder for the sailing ball. Rahvin cries out as Olver begins sending his coveted hair gel all over the floor and 'Elayne' reaches up and catches the ball, ripping it away from Lanfear.
"Go, go! Yippy!" Aram leaps into the air, shaking what his momma gave him and he scowls at his squad once again, and then looks at the drooling Slayer and Sammael who pay no attention to the game, "C'mon boys, our girls need us!"
"Doesn't look like it to me." Daved says, turning his neck in-humanly to scope out a better angle and Hopper howls at the three beautifully curved moons.
"No, I can't become Selene without the power! I must be the hottest!" Lanfear growls and grabs the ball, each of them holding on to an end and Lan leans forwards with a smirk,
"Don't worry, you're the hottest."
"Really!" The distraction is enough for 'Elayne' to slip away and tumble into the end zone.
"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" The crowd yells in unison with Berelain and Min as Myrelle is kicked numerous times in the face by uncontrollable feet and Thom and Noal slam their viagra cases together in a toast of victory.
"Elayne, you did it!" Aviendha leaps into 'Elayne's arms as Rahvin finally stumbles to his feet and begins limping after Olver, but Olver points towards the field,
"Shouldn't you be commentating! They just scored! And…are sisters allowed to do that?" Rahvin looks over his shoulder and shrugs,
"I still don't understand if their 'really' sisters or not…"
Both sides of the crowd are in hysteria, for numerous reasons, but as a certain red haired snoot is escorted onto the field by her Andorman drawn carriage, all becomes quiet.
"And why is everyone chanting my name as if I'm important!" Elayne asks with her nose held high and everyone turns towards the 'Elayne' who holds Aviendha inappropriately. Aviendha gasps offended, an Aiel actually offended, and scurries away, looking from one to the other, wondering why her bra is unclasped.
"Well, well, this is interesting." Rand says, looking down at his lap and Gawyn puts on his glasses and looks from one to the other,
"Did I always have two sisters?"
"Ummm, I can explain…" 'Elayne' says with a masculine giggle and reaches up to her face, grasping rubber and the crowd gasps as one,
"MAT!"
"We've been ogling our fearless leader all this time, UGH!" Talmanes and the "Red, tired Hands" all pull their pants up guiltily.
"Woah, I gotta take a seat." Rahvin says, plopping back in his chair and Bair smiles at him, her wrinkles scraping against each other,
"Can I sit next to you?"
"HELL NO!"
"What the hell have you done!" Moraine rushes onto the field, from her LONG absence, joining the mob of women surrounding poor little Matrim, including Beslan who stands behind him embarrassed,
"Good thing you revealed yourself, cuz I was about to do something inappropriate…"
"Hol up! My daddy is my mommy too! I'm gonna get picked on even more now!" Olver sobs, his head spinning crazily as Rahvin spins him around by his big dumbo ears,
"You get picked on for being an ugly ass kid!"
"But I got you guys your power back! The exhilaration of touching the rushing torrent in the shower or however it goes!" Mat explains through terror filled stammers as Leane picks up a baseball bat and Aviendha veils herself, "And you snuck off the field, Moraine, how can you be upset?"
"I'm me, duh!"
"As if we needed a MAN to help us?" Cadsuane yells infuriated and Kiruna punches her closed fist into her palm,
"We could forgive that womanizer Galad, but not you!"
"C'mon, I'm a nice guy! I did it for you guys!" Mat demands and Alanna glares and snaps her fingers,
"Kill him!" Birgitte rushes off the field as the female channellers from the crowd join the two teams, chasing Mat from end of the field to the other, and back again, the poor boy screaming like a biznatch.
"Well, there you have it folks, here at the Field of Lances, the game comes to an end in the way we figured it would, the ladies angry at whatever happens, whether its good or bad, except when their smoothing their dresses or smiling at the one guy everyone wants…Galad, you bastard! Now I give you Else, talking to the coaches and what not." Rahvin sits back and cradles his damaged goods, wondering if it'll heal right.
"Well, Rand, how do you feel about the conclusion?" Else asks and Rand looks from the mic and back to his suitcase as he continues packing, throwing whatever he needs for the long trip to Shara,
"Stupid Mat has ruined this for all us men, and now it's going to be ten times the man-hating on this side of the anti-chivalry world. There are going to be many deaths and I'm getting the fuck out of here! Peace, yo!" Rand jumps in his Escalade behind Davram and Elyas floors the shiat out of the chaos, running over Sumeko's wheel chair in the process.
Else quickly rushes over to Moridin who stands on the sidelines laughing his ass off as he watches Mat's fate,
"Uh, Moridin, how do you feel about the loss?"
"Loss! You do realize I had like five players at the end there? Fuckin Rand had two of my players eatin by wolves, and the other just dropped out dead! (Logain clears his throat and looks around innocently) Do you see my sweatin, naw, Babe, we gotta see these women run around half naked in costumes I hand-picked, bettered only if there had been mud, PLUS gotta see some Gatorade escapades, and to top it off, I've got Melaine and Tylin waiting in my car!"
"What do you think about Mat and what he did?" Else asks, now snuggled against Moridin's chest with his arm around her shoulder,
"I think he's an idiot for revealing himself before the locker room! What a dumbass! He had it going perfect for him, and as we all knew he would, he messed it up. I guess he gave up Half the Light of the World by uh…surrendering half his rights as a man by getting breast implants, but hell, at least he still has left eye—nope, my bad, Semirhage just poked it out."