Observations
I've noticed in this life that there are certain times when I'm watching life and others when I'm really living it.
When I say watching, I mean observing. Like I'm standing on the edge, or looking through someone else's eyes. For example, when I'm brushing my teeth, and I'm in the middle of rinsing, and I just catch myself and become aware of my breathing and aware of the cold tiles under my feet and the taste of the mint. It's at that point that I start to wonder. I can't perform my daily tasks because I'm too busy pondering my own mortality and the feel of things.
When I'm observing life, I often feel content. Because it's those moments when everything is so happy and amazing and lovely and nice that you just don't care about breathing and tastes and sounds because you know they're going to happen, regardless of anything.
When I ponder mortality, and what is to come, I get a gripping pain just near my heart. It feels like a twisting sensation, like someone is pulling desperately as though my heart is what they want and they'll stop at nothing to get it. I feel like that late at night, when I'm alone and all I have is my thoughts to keep me company. But everything trails back to death and what will happen after it. I never tell anyone these things though, as far as anyone knows, I'm the happy-go-lucky, hyper boy who loves to play pranks and gain notches on my bed-knob.
When I catch myself, and begin to feel life and really live it, it's those moments that are so out of the ordinary, and so different. They're mostly bad -for me at least. Like those times when my parents beat me and Reg laughed and Kreacher cackled and all I felt was the pain, the emotional hurt and the ragged breathing of my worn out Mother while my Father whispered "This'll teach you boy, this'll teach you." It's those moments that I suddenly wonder how I got there, why I'm feeling these things. Just plain 'Why Me?'
Not all moments are bad though. Sometimes when I catch myself, it's because I'm feeling such bliss that how can I not revel in the feeling? When I kiss and feel my love (life partner?) nibbling at my lip, and their hand slowly creeping up to my hair and their other hand grasped tightly in mine. When I feel those things, I'm also aware of my breathing, the taste of mint on his breath and the warm feeling spread all the way from my feet, despite the cold tiles beneath them.