Part 4
~Liz~
October 8, 2002
Operation: Max & Tess - Update
Well, I am pleased to report that Max actually spoke to Tess today. I saw them talking in the hall, near the mailboxes, after lunch. When I saw him in Bio, he seemed annoyed that I noticed. I think he was embarrassed by how happy I was that it happened. I couldn't stop myself from congratulating him, even though I knew he'd turn all red. It's about time though! For some reason, since I told him I'd help him get together with her, he's been avoiding her completely. I know he's shy, but the fact that he just doesn't know how much he has to offer a girl.it's absolutely ridiculous!
Even though I'm trying to give him pointers behind the scenes, I stay away from them when they do actually converse, because Tess doesn't seem to like me very much. I think she might have the wrong idea about my friendship with Max. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but I'm taking some science courses, along with my writing classes, to keep my dad semi off my back. Anyway, Max and I have been spending a lot of time together recently, mainly because we ended up in the same Bio lab and we're partners again - this time by choice. Why bother getting to know someone new, when we already work so well together?
Back to the subject at hand. I know Tess likes Max too, even though she won't talk to me about it (trust me - I've tried). She can barely keep her eyes off him when they're in the same room together. He doesn't believe me when I tell him this, though. They're both just so incredibly frustrating! She is everything Max needs. Nice and pretty and smart. I think he really believes that she's out of his league. Maybe it's the age difference, but I don't think so. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's not good enough for her. The fact that he has no idea how much he has to offer a girl drives me absolutely crazy.
I'm not sure why Tess won't let me help her. I mean, she has to realize that I'm not interested in Max that way. Sean and I have been casually dating for close to a month now. It's not love - at least not yet - but I'm not seeing anyone else either. She's seen us together at Carlos several times. You'd think she'd get the picture by now. Max and I are just friends. But Tess's attitude is why I haven't been able to give him as many tips as I'd like to. I don't want her to see us together very often.
Unfortunately, Max really does need help. He seems incapable of talking to girls without freaking out on some level I don't understand. He turns bright red and gets all stammery. Interestingly, this behavior doesn't really include me anymore. Since our late night chat of a few weeks ago, he seems perfectly comfortable around me. Now, if I can only get him to act the same way around Tess. I mean, he's wonderful! She already knows it. I can tell. He just needs to show it.
If Max Evans would behave as openly with other girls as he has with me lately, he could have any girl he wanted. I'm going to try to remind him of that again tonight, when we're studying for our Bio mid-term. Maybe I can get him to invite her to the dorm party. If he'd only just ask her out. Everything will go great after that. I just know it. There's something about the two of them when they're together. It's almost like they're made for each other.
Now I just need to convince Max that it's true.
***
"He really over-did it today. I've told him that Isabel doesn't care that's he's skinny, but he just won't listen."
"So, are you going to ask her?" I cut Max off abruptly, making him blink and then stare at me.
We're sitting in the library, and have been for the past half-hour. My Biology text is open in front of me, but I have not read two words. Instead, I've been watching Max, waiting for the perfect time to start talking about Tess. Up to this point, he has been telling me about Alex's new work-out regimen at the gym. Actually he's been babbling about it, in an entirely unMaxlike manner. My eyes have been narrowing with every passing moment. I just know that he is avoiding the topic on purpose. He has been entirely too restless, which is totally unlike him. For example, until I just interrupted him, his pencil was tapping against the side of the table, like he has something major on his mind - and I have a feeling it has nothing to do with his and Alex's latest trip to the gym.
It has to be Tess and, finally, I just blurt it out, so that he can no longer pretend it's not what he's thinking about.
"Ask who?" he returns innocently, his dark eyes dropping to the textbook in front of him. "You know, I think this test is going to be really hard." He starts to change the subject again.
"Max!" I exclaim in exasperation, making the girl sitting at the next table glare at me. I blush slightly, dropping my voice. "You know what I'm talking about."
"Liz, I'm not asking Tess to the party." He raises his gaze, stares at me, his tone firm.
"Why not?" I demand. "You had the perfect opportunity this morning and you just let it slip away! Why didn't you ask her then?"
"Liz, why the hell do you care so much?" he asks. "She's not into me. I've told you. She's dating someone else."
I start. "She is?"
"Yes, Liz," Max replies patiently. "I told you this last week."
"You did?"
"Yes," Max repeats. "Now, can we please just drop it?"
I am searching my brain, trying to remember him telling me. I am absolutely certain that he didn't. In fact, I know he didn't. My brain is so one- tracked on getting Max and Tess together, I would have remembered this information for sure.
"Well, boyfriend or not, she's into you. I know how girls who are interested look at guys they're interested in," I assure him. "Tess has the look." I am watching him, wondering why he is lying.
"Liz." This time he's the one who's exasperated. "I repeat, why do you care so much? I am perfectly fine single. I'm too busy with school to date anyone anyway."
I shrug. "I just want you to be happy, Max."
He meets my eyes for a brief moment, then looks away. He abruptly seems a million miles from this place, plunking me squarely back at our lab table in high school. I used to hate it when he did that. I can feel him shutting me out. "I am happy," he mumbles.
"You sure sound it," I mutter, dropping my own gaze back to my textbook. I decide to drop the matter for the moment. As stated, I don't like when he gets all distant on me. Since our little late night chat of a month or so ago, he hasn't acted this way at all, except one other time when I was trying to talk to him about Tess.
I think it's why I'm so obsessed with getting them together. I want Max to always be as open and as comfortable as he is when we're alone together. I see how painful it is for him to talk to people. He's always been this way, but since we've been in New York, he hasn't been with me. He needs some self-confidence. Convincing him that Tess likes him might provide it. Hopefully.
"Are you going with Sean?"
I stare at him. He is looking at me again, back from whatever planet to which he briefly disappeared.
"I guess so," I say. "He hasn't asked, but I think it's assumed."
Okay, maybe this is why I want Max to get together with Tess. He is still entirely too focused on my relationship with Sean. He needs his own girlfriend to worry about. I know that Max still doesn't trust Sean, even though Sean has done nothing over the past month to prove Max's suspicions right. I think this drives Max even crazier. He wants Sean to screw up, just so he can tell me he told me so. But, Sean and I are having a good time. He has proven my confidence in him to be justified.
You're probably asking why I'm so determined to give Sean a chance. The thing is, I get him. I understand how it is to suddenly feel liberated from a stifling small town existence. Sure, maybe he went a bit crazy when he first got here. It's hard not to when you're suddenly free from the watchful eyes of parents and an entire community. But he has never given me any reason to think that, now that he's met me, he's interested in other girls. He's fun, and sweet, and entirely trustworthy.
I don't understand why Max refuses to see it. He acts like the older brother I have never wanted.
"Go with me."
I am thinking about Sean at the moment, so Max's words don't register for a moment. When they do, I stare at him, dumbfounded. "What?"
"And Isabel and Alex," he adds quickly. He still isn't looking at me. "It'll be fun. You can see Sean there. And I can see Tess. Don't you think it would be fun? Just the four of us? Like old times."
Of course, the Evans siblings, Alex and I never had old times in Roswell, but I don't remind him of this. I know this is a ploy to make sure I don't go out with Sean again. He is driving me crazy!
"Max."
"C'mon, Liz. We can go for dinner and then just hang out." He raises his eyes to mine. He sounds so nervous, I realize I'm about to say yes, just to take that look of impending doom off his face.
The look inspired by the fact that he knows already I'm going to say no. Because I am.
What would he do if I said yes?
For one, brief moment, I'm so tempted, I become aware of my own pounding heart. Oh my God! Did my heart just skip a beat? I think that was disappointment that I'm going to say no. Impossible! This is so not good. This is Max. He's from Roswell and I've moved beyond Roswell. I'm dating Sean. Max is supposed to like Tess.
And, yet, he's asking me to go the dorm party with him. What does this mean?
"Max." I trail off uncertainly.
There is a long, uncomfortable pause. "You don't have to go with me if you don't want to," he finally says. He doesn't sound upset, just strange.
I look at him. "What's wrong?" I can tell there's something wrong. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he just asked me to the dorm party when we're only supposed to be friends.
"I didn't want to have to tell you this, Liz," Max sighs. "I'm trying not to interfere, but I can't just sit here and not tell you. Because I know and it'll just make it worse. I don't want you to be mad at me."
"Max, what are you even talking about?"
"Sean's girlfriend is coming to town for the party," Max says in a rush.
What. What?
"Girlfriend," I repeat, uncertain if I've heard him correctly.
"I talked to her on the phone this afternoon," Max informs me gently. "He has a girlfriend. She goes to BU and she's coming to New York this weekend to surprise him. He told her about the party, and she decided it would be a good time." He grimaces. "She sounded nice on the phone," he adds lamely.
"This just can't be right," I insist. "Sean told me about her. Her name is Hannah. They broke up."
"She didn't sound like she thought they'd broken up," Max tells me. I can hear the anger in his voice. "Liz, I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, because you like him. I have to admit, he has settled down since you've been dating." He trails off. I can feel his anxious eyes on my face. I am staring off into space, still shocked.
Sean has a girlfriend. We've been dating for a month, he told me they broke up, and apparently he's been lying to me about it the entire time.
"Liz, I'm so sorry."
I manage to shake my head. "It's not your fault, Max. You warned me."
I am trying to analyze how I feel about this. I am hurt - definitely. I am disappointed - certainly. I like Sean. But, I'm not in love with him. I will survive this.
More than anything, though, I realize that I'm embarrassed. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he has made me look like a complete idiot.
"Won't you just go with me?" Max asks, sounding a little desperate. Like if he can't make me feel better, he may just die.
I press my lips together. "Are you sure that Tess won't go with you?"
"Liz, I'm sure," Max insists. "She's not interested. I've given up on her."
"Okay, then," I say. "I'll go with you. Just as friends, of course. If we find someone else for you there, you're totally free to pursue it."
There is another long pause. He lets out a long sigh, which makes me look at him again. "As friends," he agrees quickly, as if I'll maybe misinterpret his obvious relief. I can tell this has really been eating him up inside. He's been concerned about how I'm going to react to his bad news. "What are you going to do about Sean?" he asks.
"Nothing," I say. "We never made any commitment."
"You're not even going to say anything?" Max demands.
"No," I reply. "And neither are you. He'll get the picture."
"You're just going to let him get away with this?"
"I don't see that I have any choice," I tell him glumly. And, I don't. Sean isn't my boyfriend after all. We've been on several dates, he's kissed me once or twice, but we never said we were an exclusive item. I realize that I'm not even that upset. I've known from the beginning that he wasn't my soul-mate. I am incredibly attracted to him, yes, but it never really went beyond that. "I mean, I could go yell at him, but what would be the point? He's an ass. He won't care."
"Can I kill him?" Max asks. "Please?"
I smile slightly, in spite of myself. "No, Max."
"Please?"
"You have to live with him," I remind him. "Let's just try and pretend none of this ever happened. I clearly have the worst judgment on the face of the planet. I'd prefer to just forget about him."
"Liz, it's not your fault," Max insists.
"I know, Max," I reply. "I guess I just needed a reminder of why I should stay away from men."
"Stay away from men?" he asks, strangely panicked.
"Not you," I reassure him quickly. "Not guy friends. Just guy guys. I'm supposed to be working on myself, on making myself into someone new. Guys are a distraction. Why do you think I broke up with Kyle in the first place?"
"Why do you need to be someone new?" Max demands.
"Well, not entirely new," I amend. "Just someone other than who everyone expects me to be. I came here to prove that I can make it on my own, and what do I do? I let myself get sucked into a relationship right off the bat. How typical."
"Liz, I don't think you're anything like people would expect you to be," Max says. He seems amused now. "You're totally different than I expected," he adds.
Now, what is that supposed to mean?
He doesn't say anything more though, turning his attention back to his Biology textbook, and I don't ask. Because I realize I'm a little afraid to know what he really thinks of me. I have certainly proven myself a very bad judge of character since we've been here. I have definitely proven myself to be self-absorbed, basically accusing him of following me to New York. I'm entirely certain that Max actually kind of considers me a freak.
Well, I never tried to pretend I was normal. In fact, coming here was meant to lead me down the road not taken. I should take it as a compliment.
Being a freak is better than being dull. I'd choose freakiness over the boring person I used to be any day.
***
I have not returned Sean's twelve phone calls since Max told me about Hannah on Tuesday. I have also been deliberately avoiding him, which isn't too hard, since we have all different classes. As long as I'm not in the dining hall at regular meal times, it's pretty easy. I spend all my study time up in the deserted carrels at the top of the library.
Charlotte is beginning to get a bit annoyed. Since I told her about Sean's girlfriend, she thinks I should tell Sean to go jump off a bridge. I don't blame her. I know I'm being a coward about this. I'm not sure why I won't confront Sean directly. I guess I have a little bit of the sadist in me. I want to see the expression on his face when Hannah shows up at the party and he realizes that he's totally busted.
It is now Friday and the dorm party is tonight. I realize that I'm nervous. I keep checking my hair in the mirror. I don't know why I'm nervous. It's only Max after all.
"You look fine, Liz," Charlotte tells me, sounding exasperated. "Will you please stop pacing?" She is lying on her bed. I had assumed that her face was buried in a book, as usual. She is a studyaholic, I swear. She's promised she'll come down to the party later, though. My room-mate tends to spend way too much time studying, and not enough time enjoying college life. I know she misses her boyfriend, but I have made it one of my missions in life to force her have a little fun.
"I don't care what I look like," I inform her flippantly now. "It's just Max."
She smiles knowingly. "Of course, you don't."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I demand.
"Just that you're completely fooling yourself," Charlotte replies. "You are dead gone on this guy."
"What?"
"Liz, please. You spend half your waking hours with him, you couldn't care less that Sean is a cheating bastard, and you can't stop looking at yourself in the mirror. What else is it supposed to mean?"
"I want.I want to look better than her," I stammer, frowning. "I'm shallow that way."
"Right." Charlotte rolls her eyes, turns back to her book. "Better than Tess, you mean." I could hear the amusement in her voice.
"Charlotte! Better than Hannah."
"Keep lying to yourself, babe," she replies, sounding bored. Actually, she sounds exactly like Maria. Why is it that my entire small town seems to have moved to New York with me? Isabel, Max, and Alex are all here in actuality, and Maria is here in spirit. "I just hope that Max is as patient as he seems. Because if you don't get your head out of your ass, you're going to lose him."
"Are you insane?" I demand. "I've been trying to fix him up with another girl for the past month," I remind her. "I am not interested in him."
"Okay," Charlotte mutters, not paying any attention to me any longer.
And, so, I am slightly pissy when the knock sounds on my door a moment later. I mean, I know how I feel for God's sake!
Needless to say, my mood does not improve when I open the door to a Max who looks entirely too hot for me not to notice. He is dressed casually in khakis and his brown leather jacket, and my stomach lurches, much to my annoyance. I have never denied that he is a good-looking guy. Why does he have to prove it right now?
He seems to notice my glare, because he blinks. "Er, is everything okay?" he asks.
"Just fine," I snap, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him out of the room after me. See! Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing touching him.
Really. I don't. Well, except for the way my face heats up a little. But that's just because I'm sure Charlotte is about to say something embarrassing.
"Have fun, you two!" Charlotte calls after us. "I'll see you later." I can tell that she is going to burst out laughing as soon as the door shuts.
"What was that all about?" Max asks when we're in the elevator.
"Room-mates," I reply curtly. "You have a sucky one too. You should know all about it."
"I thought you liked Charlotte," Max says, confused.
"Usually."
He apparently decides to let it go, because he changes the subject, "So, how do you feel about Chinese?"
"It's fine," I say. I turn my head, look at him suspiciously. It's Charlotte's fault. She's made me question exactly what is going on here. Max sounds too nervous. Like it really matters that I like where we eat. "Max, you know this isn't a date, right?"
He starts. "I know."
I feel a dull flush rising into my cheeks again. "Sorry. I just had to make sure."
"Liz, what happened?"
"Nothing," I assure him. I make myself smile. "I'm sorry. Chinese sounds great. Are Alex and Isabel meeting us there?"
The elevator doors slide open and we're outside before he replies, sounding a bit tentative. "Well, no, actually."
"What? Why not?"
"Isabel dumped us," Max replies, sounding amused now. "She wants to be alone with Alex. Needless to say, he was all for it. They said they'd see us at the party."
"Oh. Okay." I feel my heart start to beat more quickly. I don't know why I suddenly feel nervous. This is not a date. Max just confirmed it. I've been alone with him plenty of times over the past month, to study, and, also, to needle him about Tess.
Apparently, Charlotte has put some kind of weird hex on me. I am not interested in Max Evans. He is not interested in me. I shake my head, forcing myself to focus on returning our relationship to the easy one it has become over the past month.
"So, is Tess coming to the party?" I ask, as we walk towards the subway.
I think I hear Max sigh slightly, but when I look at him, he just shrugs, his expression blank. "I think so. She is a R.A. They're the ones throwing it."
"Oh, right."
"Liz, can we please not talk about Tess?" Max asks abruptly.
"Okay," I agree. "What do you want to talk about?"
There is a long pause.
I can't help it. I start to laugh.
"What?" Max demands, obviously embarrassed.
"Don't we have anything to talk about other than Alex and Isabel, Tess or Sean?" I ask, amused in spite of myself.
He stops walking, stares at me. "Um." I can see him frantically searching his mind for a topic that did not, somehow, revolve around any of those people. Then, amazingly, he starts to laugh too.
I realize that it is maybe the first time I have ever heard Max Evans do this. His laugh is deep and rich, and entirely not the laugh of a shy person.
But, then, he isn't really shy around me anymore.
Or maybe he was never shy at all. Maybe I just thought he was. I mean, when I knew him before, I never really ever asked him anything about himself. I just talked at him, not to him.
However, I wasn't completely self-absorbed back in high school. There was something mysterious about Max back then. Like I knew that if I tried to get to know him too well, he wouldn't like it. In fact, there is still something of that element to him.
I am still intrigued by him. I admit it. In spite of the fact that he is a remnant of my life in Roswell, he is not a remnant I ever really knew or understood. It is why I wrote what I wrote to him in his yearbook after all. I'm glad that I'm getting the opportunity to know him better and, yet, he still holds something in reserve, still remains slightly distant.
I am interested why this is, but for the reason that Charlotte thinks. I wrote in his yearbook that I wished we had gotten to know each other better because he was the one person in Roswell I didn't understand. He was the one part of that town that wasn't known inside and out, the one person who couldn't be boring to me, because I never got to know him well enough to realize that he was.
Or maybe I knew, somewhere deep inside, that he isn't boring. Maybe that was why I never tried to get to know him. Because I knew that if I did get to know him, everything I thought I knew about Roswell and about wanting to get out of there would change.
I don't understand why I am having this insight now. Fifteen minutes later, I realize that it was a premonition. Somehow, in that instant, when he was laughing, I really saw Max. I saw everything that he was going to mean to me in the future, saw how everything was about to change.
Because, fifteen minutes later, we are in Central Park, having taken the subway to near a little restaurant Max has found. It is just a short way through the park. It should not have been a walk that changed my life.
It is getting dark, but there are lots of lights and I feel safe with Max. We are actually talking about something other than Sean and Tess and Biology and Alex and Isabel. We are talking about my writing class and how much it means to me, and he is telling me that he is jealous that I know what I want to do so certainly. He is just saying that he has no idea what he wants to do, when the man dressed in black steps out from behind a tree.
I feel my eyes widen in dismay. Moments before, we were surrounded by people enjoying the evening in the park, but, abruptly, we are alone. The man has taken advantage of it.
He has a gun and it is pointed right at us.
It takes me about twenty seconds to realize that he is actually pointing the gun at me.
I am expecting him to demand cash or valuables or something, but he does not.
Instead, without ever even opening his mouth to say a word, the man in black shoots me.
~Liz~
October 8, 2002
Operation: Max & Tess - Update
Well, I am pleased to report that Max actually spoke to Tess today. I saw them talking in the hall, near the mailboxes, after lunch. When I saw him in Bio, he seemed annoyed that I noticed. I think he was embarrassed by how happy I was that it happened. I couldn't stop myself from congratulating him, even though I knew he'd turn all red. It's about time though! For some reason, since I told him I'd help him get together with her, he's been avoiding her completely. I know he's shy, but the fact that he just doesn't know how much he has to offer a girl.it's absolutely ridiculous!
Even though I'm trying to give him pointers behind the scenes, I stay away from them when they do actually converse, because Tess doesn't seem to like me very much. I think she might have the wrong idea about my friendship with Max. I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but I'm taking some science courses, along with my writing classes, to keep my dad semi off my back. Anyway, Max and I have been spending a lot of time together recently, mainly because we ended up in the same Bio lab and we're partners again - this time by choice. Why bother getting to know someone new, when we already work so well together?
Back to the subject at hand. I know Tess likes Max too, even though she won't talk to me about it (trust me - I've tried). She can barely keep her eyes off him when they're in the same room together. He doesn't believe me when I tell him this, though. They're both just so incredibly frustrating! She is everything Max needs. Nice and pretty and smart. I think he really believes that she's out of his league. Maybe it's the age difference, but I don't think so. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's not good enough for her. The fact that he has no idea how much he has to offer a girl drives me absolutely crazy.
I'm not sure why Tess won't let me help her. I mean, she has to realize that I'm not interested in Max that way. Sean and I have been casually dating for close to a month now. It's not love - at least not yet - but I'm not seeing anyone else either. She's seen us together at Carlos several times. You'd think she'd get the picture by now. Max and I are just friends. But Tess's attitude is why I haven't been able to give him as many tips as I'd like to. I don't want her to see us together very often.
Unfortunately, Max really does need help. He seems incapable of talking to girls without freaking out on some level I don't understand. He turns bright red and gets all stammery. Interestingly, this behavior doesn't really include me anymore. Since our late night chat of a few weeks ago, he seems perfectly comfortable around me. Now, if I can only get him to act the same way around Tess. I mean, he's wonderful! She already knows it. I can tell. He just needs to show it.
If Max Evans would behave as openly with other girls as he has with me lately, he could have any girl he wanted. I'm going to try to remind him of that again tonight, when we're studying for our Bio mid-term. Maybe I can get him to invite her to the dorm party. If he'd only just ask her out. Everything will go great after that. I just know it. There's something about the two of them when they're together. It's almost like they're made for each other.
Now I just need to convince Max that it's true.
***
"He really over-did it today. I've told him that Isabel doesn't care that's he's skinny, but he just won't listen."
"So, are you going to ask her?" I cut Max off abruptly, making him blink and then stare at me.
We're sitting in the library, and have been for the past half-hour. My Biology text is open in front of me, but I have not read two words. Instead, I've been watching Max, waiting for the perfect time to start talking about Tess. Up to this point, he has been telling me about Alex's new work-out regimen at the gym. Actually he's been babbling about it, in an entirely unMaxlike manner. My eyes have been narrowing with every passing moment. I just know that he is avoiding the topic on purpose. He has been entirely too restless, which is totally unlike him. For example, until I just interrupted him, his pencil was tapping against the side of the table, like he has something major on his mind - and I have a feeling it has nothing to do with his and Alex's latest trip to the gym.
It has to be Tess and, finally, I just blurt it out, so that he can no longer pretend it's not what he's thinking about.
"Ask who?" he returns innocently, his dark eyes dropping to the textbook in front of him. "You know, I think this test is going to be really hard." He starts to change the subject again.
"Max!" I exclaim in exasperation, making the girl sitting at the next table glare at me. I blush slightly, dropping my voice. "You know what I'm talking about."
"Liz, I'm not asking Tess to the party." He raises his gaze, stares at me, his tone firm.
"Why not?" I demand. "You had the perfect opportunity this morning and you just let it slip away! Why didn't you ask her then?"
"Liz, why the hell do you care so much?" he asks. "She's not into me. I've told you. She's dating someone else."
I start. "She is?"
"Yes, Liz," Max replies patiently. "I told you this last week."
"You did?"
"Yes," Max repeats. "Now, can we please just drop it?"
I am searching my brain, trying to remember him telling me. I am absolutely certain that he didn't. In fact, I know he didn't. My brain is so one- tracked on getting Max and Tess together, I would have remembered this information for sure.
"Well, boyfriend or not, she's into you. I know how girls who are interested look at guys they're interested in," I assure him. "Tess has the look." I am watching him, wondering why he is lying.
"Liz." This time he's the one who's exasperated. "I repeat, why do you care so much? I am perfectly fine single. I'm too busy with school to date anyone anyway."
I shrug. "I just want you to be happy, Max."
He meets my eyes for a brief moment, then looks away. He abruptly seems a million miles from this place, plunking me squarely back at our lab table in high school. I used to hate it when he did that. I can feel him shutting me out. "I am happy," he mumbles.
"You sure sound it," I mutter, dropping my own gaze back to my textbook. I decide to drop the matter for the moment. As stated, I don't like when he gets all distant on me. Since our little late night chat of a month or so ago, he hasn't acted this way at all, except one other time when I was trying to talk to him about Tess.
I think it's why I'm so obsessed with getting them together. I want Max to always be as open and as comfortable as he is when we're alone together. I see how painful it is for him to talk to people. He's always been this way, but since we've been in New York, he hasn't been with me. He needs some self-confidence. Convincing him that Tess likes him might provide it. Hopefully.
"Are you going with Sean?"
I stare at him. He is looking at me again, back from whatever planet to which he briefly disappeared.
"I guess so," I say. "He hasn't asked, but I think it's assumed."
Okay, maybe this is why I want Max to get together with Tess. He is still entirely too focused on my relationship with Sean. He needs his own girlfriend to worry about. I know that Max still doesn't trust Sean, even though Sean has done nothing over the past month to prove Max's suspicions right. I think this drives Max even crazier. He wants Sean to screw up, just so he can tell me he told me so. But, Sean and I are having a good time. He has proven my confidence in him to be justified.
You're probably asking why I'm so determined to give Sean a chance. The thing is, I get him. I understand how it is to suddenly feel liberated from a stifling small town existence. Sure, maybe he went a bit crazy when he first got here. It's hard not to when you're suddenly free from the watchful eyes of parents and an entire community. But he has never given me any reason to think that, now that he's met me, he's interested in other girls. He's fun, and sweet, and entirely trustworthy.
I don't understand why Max refuses to see it. He acts like the older brother I have never wanted.
"Go with me."
I am thinking about Sean at the moment, so Max's words don't register for a moment. When they do, I stare at him, dumbfounded. "What?"
"And Isabel and Alex," he adds quickly. He still isn't looking at me. "It'll be fun. You can see Sean there. And I can see Tess. Don't you think it would be fun? Just the four of us? Like old times."
Of course, the Evans siblings, Alex and I never had old times in Roswell, but I don't remind him of this. I know this is a ploy to make sure I don't go out with Sean again. He is driving me crazy!
"Max."
"C'mon, Liz. We can go for dinner and then just hang out." He raises his eyes to mine. He sounds so nervous, I realize I'm about to say yes, just to take that look of impending doom off his face.
The look inspired by the fact that he knows already I'm going to say no. Because I am.
What would he do if I said yes?
For one, brief moment, I'm so tempted, I become aware of my own pounding heart. Oh my God! Did my heart just skip a beat? I think that was disappointment that I'm going to say no. Impossible! This is so not good. This is Max. He's from Roswell and I've moved beyond Roswell. I'm dating Sean. Max is supposed to like Tess.
And, yet, he's asking me to go the dorm party with him. What does this mean?
"Max." I trail off uncertainly.
There is a long, uncomfortable pause. "You don't have to go with me if you don't want to," he finally says. He doesn't sound upset, just strange.
I look at him. "What's wrong?" I can tell there's something wrong. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he just asked me to the dorm party when we're only supposed to be friends.
"I didn't want to have to tell you this, Liz," Max sighs. "I'm trying not to interfere, but I can't just sit here and not tell you. Because I know and it'll just make it worse. I don't want you to be mad at me."
"Max, what are you even talking about?"
"Sean's girlfriend is coming to town for the party," Max says in a rush.
What. What?
"Girlfriend," I repeat, uncertain if I've heard him correctly.
"I talked to her on the phone this afternoon," Max informs me gently. "He has a girlfriend. She goes to BU and she's coming to New York this weekend to surprise him. He told her about the party, and she decided it would be a good time." He grimaces. "She sounded nice on the phone," he adds lamely.
"This just can't be right," I insist. "Sean told me about her. Her name is Hannah. They broke up."
"She didn't sound like she thought they'd broken up," Max tells me. I can hear the anger in his voice. "Liz, I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, because you like him. I have to admit, he has settled down since you've been dating." He trails off. I can feel his anxious eyes on my face. I am staring off into space, still shocked.
Sean has a girlfriend. We've been dating for a month, he told me they broke up, and apparently he's been lying to me about it the entire time.
"Liz, I'm so sorry."
I manage to shake my head. "It's not your fault, Max. You warned me."
I am trying to analyze how I feel about this. I am hurt - definitely. I am disappointed - certainly. I like Sean. But, I'm not in love with him. I will survive this.
More than anything, though, I realize that I'm embarrassed. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he has made me look like a complete idiot.
"Won't you just go with me?" Max asks, sounding a little desperate. Like if he can't make me feel better, he may just die.
I press my lips together. "Are you sure that Tess won't go with you?"
"Liz, I'm sure," Max insists. "She's not interested. I've given up on her."
"Okay, then," I say. "I'll go with you. Just as friends, of course. If we find someone else for you there, you're totally free to pursue it."
There is another long pause. He lets out a long sigh, which makes me look at him again. "As friends," he agrees quickly, as if I'll maybe misinterpret his obvious relief. I can tell this has really been eating him up inside. He's been concerned about how I'm going to react to his bad news. "What are you going to do about Sean?" he asks.
"Nothing," I say. "We never made any commitment."
"You're not even going to say anything?" Max demands.
"No," I reply. "And neither are you. He'll get the picture."
"You're just going to let him get away with this?"
"I don't see that I have any choice," I tell him glumly. And, I don't. Sean isn't my boyfriend after all. We've been on several dates, he's kissed me once or twice, but we never said we were an exclusive item. I realize that I'm not even that upset. I've known from the beginning that he wasn't my soul-mate. I am incredibly attracted to him, yes, but it never really went beyond that. "I mean, I could go yell at him, but what would be the point? He's an ass. He won't care."
"Can I kill him?" Max asks. "Please?"
I smile slightly, in spite of myself. "No, Max."
"Please?"
"You have to live with him," I remind him. "Let's just try and pretend none of this ever happened. I clearly have the worst judgment on the face of the planet. I'd prefer to just forget about him."
"Liz, it's not your fault," Max insists.
"I know, Max," I reply. "I guess I just needed a reminder of why I should stay away from men."
"Stay away from men?" he asks, strangely panicked.
"Not you," I reassure him quickly. "Not guy friends. Just guy guys. I'm supposed to be working on myself, on making myself into someone new. Guys are a distraction. Why do you think I broke up with Kyle in the first place?"
"Why do you need to be someone new?" Max demands.
"Well, not entirely new," I amend. "Just someone other than who everyone expects me to be. I came here to prove that I can make it on my own, and what do I do? I let myself get sucked into a relationship right off the bat. How typical."
"Liz, I don't think you're anything like people would expect you to be," Max says. He seems amused now. "You're totally different than I expected," he adds.
Now, what is that supposed to mean?
He doesn't say anything more though, turning his attention back to his Biology textbook, and I don't ask. Because I realize I'm a little afraid to know what he really thinks of me. I have certainly proven myself a very bad judge of character since we've been here. I have definitely proven myself to be self-absorbed, basically accusing him of following me to New York. I'm entirely certain that Max actually kind of considers me a freak.
Well, I never tried to pretend I was normal. In fact, coming here was meant to lead me down the road not taken. I should take it as a compliment.
Being a freak is better than being dull. I'd choose freakiness over the boring person I used to be any day.
***
I have not returned Sean's twelve phone calls since Max told me about Hannah on Tuesday. I have also been deliberately avoiding him, which isn't too hard, since we have all different classes. As long as I'm not in the dining hall at regular meal times, it's pretty easy. I spend all my study time up in the deserted carrels at the top of the library.
Charlotte is beginning to get a bit annoyed. Since I told her about Sean's girlfriend, she thinks I should tell Sean to go jump off a bridge. I don't blame her. I know I'm being a coward about this. I'm not sure why I won't confront Sean directly. I guess I have a little bit of the sadist in me. I want to see the expression on his face when Hannah shows up at the party and he realizes that he's totally busted.
It is now Friday and the dorm party is tonight. I realize that I'm nervous. I keep checking my hair in the mirror. I don't know why I'm nervous. It's only Max after all.
"You look fine, Liz," Charlotte tells me, sounding exasperated. "Will you please stop pacing?" She is lying on her bed. I had assumed that her face was buried in a book, as usual. She is a studyaholic, I swear. She's promised she'll come down to the party later, though. My room-mate tends to spend way too much time studying, and not enough time enjoying college life. I know she misses her boyfriend, but I have made it one of my missions in life to force her have a little fun.
"I don't care what I look like," I inform her flippantly now. "It's just Max."
She smiles knowingly. "Of course, you don't."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I demand.
"Just that you're completely fooling yourself," Charlotte replies. "You are dead gone on this guy."
"What?"
"Liz, please. You spend half your waking hours with him, you couldn't care less that Sean is a cheating bastard, and you can't stop looking at yourself in the mirror. What else is it supposed to mean?"
"I want.I want to look better than her," I stammer, frowning. "I'm shallow that way."
"Right." Charlotte rolls her eyes, turns back to her book. "Better than Tess, you mean." I could hear the amusement in her voice.
"Charlotte! Better than Hannah."
"Keep lying to yourself, babe," she replies, sounding bored. Actually, she sounds exactly like Maria. Why is it that my entire small town seems to have moved to New York with me? Isabel, Max, and Alex are all here in actuality, and Maria is here in spirit. "I just hope that Max is as patient as he seems. Because if you don't get your head out of your ass, you're going to lose him."
"Are you insane?" I demand. "I've been trying to fix him up with another girl for the past month," I remind her. "I am not interested in him."
"Okay," Charlotte mutters, not paying any attention to me any longer.
And, so, I am slightly pissy when the knock sounds on my door a moment later. I mean, I know how I feel for God's sake!
Needless to say, my mood does not improve when I open the door to a Max who looks entirely too hot for me not to notice. He is dressed casually in khakis and his brown leather jacket, and my stomach lurches, much to my annoyance. I have never denied that he is a good-looking guy. Why does he have to prove it right now?
He seems to notice my glare, because he blinks. "Er, is everything okay?" he asks.
"Just fine," I snap, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him out of the room after me. See! Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing touching him.
Really. I don't. Well, except for the way my face heats up a little. But that's just because I'm sure Charlotte is about to say something embarrassing.
"Have fun, you two!" Charlotte calls after us. "I'll see you later." I can tell that she is going to burst out laughing as soon as the door shuts.
"What was that all about?" Max asks when we're in the elevator.
"Room-mates," I reply curtly. "You have a sucky one too. You should know all about it."
"I thought you liked Charlotte," Max says, confused.
"Usually."
He apparently decides to let it go, because he changes the subject, "So, how do you feel about Chinese?"
"It's fine," I say. I turn my head, look at him suspiciously. It's Charlotte's fault. She's made me question exactly what is going on here. Max sounds too nervous. Like it really matters that I like where we eat. "Max, you know this isn't a date, right?"
He starts. "I know."
I feel a dull flush rising into my cheeks again. "Sorry. I just had to make sure."
"Liz, what happened?"
"Nothing," I assure him. I make myself smile. "I'm sorry. Chinese sounds great. Are Alex and Isabel meeting us there?"
The elevator doors slide open and we're outside before he replies, sounding a bit tentative. "Well, no, actually."
"What? Why not?"
"Isabel dumped us," Max replies, sounding amused now. "She wants to be alone with Alex. Needless to say, he was all for it. They said they'd see us at the party."
"Oh. Okay." I feel my heart start to beat more quickly. I don't know why I suddenly feel nervous. This is not a date. Max just confirmed it. I've been alone with him plenty of times over the past month, to study, and, also, to needle him about Tess.
Apparently, Charlotte has put some kind of weird hex on me. I am not interested in Max Evans. He is not interested in me. I shake my head, forcing myself to focus on returning our relationship to the easy one it has become over the past month.
"So, is Tess coming to the party?" I ask, as we walk towards the subway.
I think I hear Max sigh slightly, but when I look at him, he just shrugs, his expression blank. "I think so. She is a R.A. They're the ones throwing it."
"Oh, right."
"Liz, can we please not talk about Tess?" Max asks abruptly.
"Okay," I agree. "What do you want to talk about?"
There is a long pause.
I can't help it. I start to laugh.
"What?" Max demands, obviously embarrassed.
"Don't we have anything to talk about other than Alex and Isabel, Tess or Sean?" I ask, amused in spite of myself.
He stops walking, stares at me. "Um." I can see him frantically searching his mind for a topic that did not, somehow, revolve around any of those people. Then, amazingly, he starts to laugh too.
I realize that it is maybe the first time I have ever heard Max Evans do this. His laugh is deep and rich, and entirely not the laugh of a shy person.
But, then, he isn't really shy around me anymore.
Or maybe he was never shy at all. Maybe I just thought he was. I mean, when I knew him before, I never really ever asked him anything about himself. I just talked at him, not to him.
However, I wasn't completely self-absorbed back in high school. There was something mysterious about Max back then. Like I knew that if I tried to get to know him too well, he wouldn't like it. In fact, there is still something of that element to him.
I am still intrigued by him. I admit it. In spite of the fact that he is a remnant of my life in Roswell, he is not a remnant I ever really knew or understood. It is why I wrote what I wrote to him in his yearbook after all. I'm glad that I'm getting the opportunity to know him better and, yet, he still holds something in reserve, still remains slightly distant.
I am interested why this is, but for the reason that Charlotte thinks. I wrote in his yearbook that I wished we had gotten to know each other better because he was the one person in Roswell I didn't understand. He was the one part of that town that wasn't known inside and out, the one person who couldn't be boring to me, because I never got to know him well enough to realize that he was.
Or maybe I knew, somewhere deep inside, that he isn't boring. Maybe that was why I never tried to get to know him. Because I knew that if I did get to know him, everything I thought I knew about Roswell and about wanting to get out of there would change.
I don't understand why I am having this insight now. Fifteen minutes later, I realize that it was a premonition. Somehow, in that instant, when he was laughing, I really saw Max. I saw everything that he was going to mean to me in the future, saw how everything was about to change.
Because, fifteen minutes later, we are in Central Park, having taken the subway to near a little restaurant Max has found. It is just a short way through the park. It should not have been a walk that changed my life.
It is getting dark, but there are lots of lights and I feel safe with Max. We are actually talking about something other than Sean and Tess and Biology and Alex and Isabel. We are talking about my writing class and how much it means to me, and he is telling me that he is jealous that I know what I want to do so certainly. He is just saying that he has no idea what he wants to do, when the man dressed in black steps out from behind a tree.
I feel my eyes widen in dismay. Moments before, we were surrounded by people enjoying the evening in the park, but, abruptly, we are alone. The man has taken advantage of it.
He has a gun and it is pointed right at us.
It takes me about twenty seconds to realize that he is actually pointing the gun at me.
I am expecting him to demand cash or valuables or something, but he does not.
Instead, without ever even opening his mouth to say a word, the man in black shoots me.