Author's Note: I'm updating this before Valentine's Day because my friends are planning something for me (although it's more suitable for April Fools) and by extreme warning they said my computer may crashed, and even if I were able to stop that from happening, they said the 'physical' damage will be done. Dammit, pray for me.
)Manuca( - Oooo… Okay I get it now… that makes more sense… you know, I tend to think that it's kind of cruel interviewing sick AIDS patient to make a video to show teenager and encourage them not to have sex. But have they ever thought what that does to the actual patient? How exactly would they be feeling as they feel themselves dying but having to talk about it? I find that sort of cruel… Yeah… it's hard finding friend like Tomoyo… staying with you for so long… I have to agree with you, Sakura is being a bit… okay, a lot of a bitch, unappreciative, self-centered and filled with jealousy. But hey, some people take things worse than others…
)LadyAkina( - Yeah, I think that was the paradox in this… she wants to die because her life is just so horrible, but the reason for it being so horrible is because she's afraid of death. Which path should she take? It's a no-two-way (That's not a word is it…).
-
Chapter Three
Janstone Kevin; …HIM…
-
I sat by my window at early morning. The sky was covered with a silhouette of darkness. Slowly, as I waited patiently by my bed, the sun peeked through as its brilliant red light shone upon its surrounding and lit that dark shadow.
Everything was beautiful. Leisurely, the sky went from dark red, to pinkish yellow, till it was bright blue, and I knew morning had arrived. The air looked so fresh today, the sun bounced its light onto clean droplets of water lingering on the leaves outside my window from last night's rain. The fresh, green plants wavered in the gentle breeze, as colourful butterflies and happy ladybugs crawled around, bathed in the sun.
Happy little boy and girls with their parents walked around on the clean and delicious grass. It's really a miracle it's still so warm around this time of the year, but that just adds to the colour of this lovely scenery.
It's an attractive weather outside, and it's just a perfectly normal day, where everybody's happy, and just the mere sight of this makes me want to sigh in pleasure.
Oh. Who am I kidding?
About two weeks and a little ago, I regained conscious. Today is December 25, Christmas, and I'm spending it all alone.
Ever since I had woken up, had known that I may be crippled, I had not moved from my bed. I was afraid. They removed the bandage from my foot but I demanded to have it put back on—I cannot stand the sight of it.
Since then, I've stayed in this bed. Tomoyo had done her share of work, and I suppose it's okay that she left after I was conscious. But I still think it was rather selfish of her to not stay for three more weeks. I mean, at least leave after Christmas.
I sit by my bed everyday and watches the clouds drift past me in the same motion over, and over again. I was so bored, that I even took the advice from the doctor—to at least try to be happy and see the better of life. I tried, I really did. At the beginning I tried to think about the bright, beautiful weather outside… but I can't! I really can't be happy! How can I? I sit on my bed day after day, waiting for death, and not even one person visits me. Not even on Christmas! What kind of life is this? And why am I dying? WHY?
Okay, get a grip of yourself dammit! Happy! Be happy!
I sighed. The only thing I'm looking forward to is what Tomoyo and father told me. They said they were terribly sorry to not be able to come on Christmas, because dad had a party to attend and Tomoyo was going to spend it with her boyfriend. But they did say they were going to make it up to me on New Year's Eve by bringing me the best present I could ask for.
Best present? Psssshhh. There's nothing I want right now but life.
"Sakura?"
I looked at the door. A nurse walks in with a present in her hands. She smiles at me and settles the present down on my legs. "Merry Christmas Sakura, here's your present from Santa."
I rolled my eyes. Santa my ass. Like I still believe shit like that. Nevertheless, seeing as I had nothing else to do, I accepted the gift with a nod and stripped off its wrappings.
It was a white teddy bear the size of my chest with a huge red bow tied on its front. It grinned foolishly at me. I stared right back at it. "You don't look like you have any problems in life…" I told it.
The bear continued to stare with its black eyes and smile.
"You're no use to me if you can't talk with me, you know…"
It stayed the same.
I sighed and pushed it onto my bed stand. I must be incredibly lonely to be talking to a stuffed animal.
"You don't like it?" The nurse asked with a frown.
I looked at her for a long time before answering. "I've had better presents." I replied.
"Well, if there's something you like, I may be able to get it for you." She said with a cheerful grin. "It is, Christmas after all."
"Sure, I think liquor would be nice."
She immediately lost her smile. "Listen to me Sakura, sometimes I wish you would just be more like a normal person instead of acting like this. You're only making it harder on yourself by being this way. I would've got you something if you had wanted a proper notebook (she looked at the diary resting in my lap) but no, you have to ruin this didn't you. Can't you for once be good? You think just because you're a dying patient you can get whatever you want? We're trying to help you! Understand that! But you're not cooperating!" She then looked a little guilty for yelling at me like that, then took out another box from the cart she pushed in with her and handed it to me. "Oh, and a delivery from your father and a certain Tomoyo. And Sakura, I do hope you'll consider being responsible for yourself for once. We really are trying to help you."
Then she walked away to that living corpse and gave her a present too.
I unwrapped my second gift. What could Tomoyo and father have thought up? Is this the ultimate gift? Early delivery, perhaps?
I threw the sparkling wrapping paper on the ground as the present was revealed.
A picture frame.
I flipped it over, wondering what could this be a picture of and why would it be so special to me.
Slowly, I turned it over, the glass reflecting light in my eyes temporarily.
But when I saw the picture, I almost screamed.
I covered my mouth and swallowed painfully.
NO! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME?
Unable to looking upon it any longer, I looked away at anything but the picture.
THIS IS MY ULTIMATE GIFT? THIS?
I looked back at the picture one more time and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
Slowly, one drop after another, it dripped on the clear glass, blurring the picture.
"Why…" I muttered painful. "Why are you here with me? WHY? DAMMIT I HATE YOU!" Roughly, I threw the picture frame against the wall. The shattered pieces of glass cut into the smiling faces of me, and my bastard of a boyfriend.
The broken shards cut through the photo, yet his arms remained around my shoulder, my head was still tilted against his chest, and we were still smiling.
What is the meaning of this? Why would Tomoyo send me something like this? How could father approve of it? Surely, they can't think I'd still want to see him! But I do! Oh, I do! But I can't stand it; I can't stand seeing old memories of us smiling while still living in my current position! I do still want to see him! Oh why, oh why?
Slowly, I retrieved the teddy bear I'd thrown away and hugged it to my chest, burying my face in its fuzzy head, tears sliding down, soaking into the fur. "Only you can understand me now…"
-
The same cycle passed for another 5 days or so. I'm not really sure because I'm losing my count. When everyday the only things you can see are living corpses, people dressed in white, the sun, the grass and your own blood taking out over and over in the same pattern, you tend to lose track.
The only thing I do know about today is that it's New Years Eve. My ultimate gift still hasn't arrived yet and I wondered if it ever will.
I woke up at 7-o-clock in the morning. The clouds went from dark grey to a more distinguished white against the blue-greyish sky. It's not the best of days I've seen today, very humid outside… I think it might rain soon.
Little kids with diseases like a simple cold or a mere fever laughed and played around by my window, plucking out flowers, rolling in the green grass, all looking fat and chubby in their layered clothing.
Why do I have to lay here and watch them? They all look the same anyways. Short. Stupid. Dumb. Alive. Maybe I would be woken up more if that little girl came back… I've never seen her again after my outburst at her mother, and I've never found out her name… Oh, if only she knew how sorry I was! I do want to see her, I do! I would ask her for her name, and bring her a present better than she'll ever get from Santa! I'll spend my last drop of money on her just to see her smile.
I don't know when this particular little girl has meant so much too me, except the minute she disappeared, wailing away from my life, I wanted her back. I wanted more than anything to say I'm sorry and hug her and to know that she forgives me. Maybe it's because I was so horrible to her and it's guilt, or maybe it's because she was so much like myself… the old me, that is.
I lay back down and stared at the white ceiling. What would her mother name her? A happy child like that… she doesn't seem completely Japanese… she looked like she's half eastern half western… her dad must be from England or France or America or somewhere around there. What would be a good name for her? Kaylee… but spelt Cayleigh… or… Leesa… or Irina… but Deanna would also be a nice name… but I think I like Cayleigh the most… it reminds me of gentle snow for some reason… the girl's a bit too hyper to be called gentle… but Irina sounds a bit too old for her and Leesa's a bit too typical… I doubt her name would be Sakura… so I guess I'll call her Cayleigh. Yeah, that's a good name. See? Her and I could've been best friends if she were born a couple of years earlier. I know her name even without her telling me. We're telepathically connected.
I blinked my eyes trying to stay awake. The warm sun was making me drowsy, and with nothing to do around here, I was a poor victim to sleep.
Fighting with all my might, I felt my eyes closing, and closing, and closing, until I was no longer aware of anything.
-
Someone was shaking me.
Who?
"Hey, Sakura, wake up…"
I rubbed my eyes and sat up straight. But I made a mistake when my left foot kicked my right leg by accident. A jolt of pain traveled up and through my body and I bit my lips so hard from pain that they bled a little. I saw another nurse with a happy smile looking at me. She looks familiar. Then again, all nurses look the same to me.
"Yes?" I asked.
"My dear, it's 5 in the afternoon, and you have a visitor. The person has been waiting for you to wake up for 3 hours now, and poor soul, I decided to wake you up before that person decides to leave."
"Why do you refer to him or her as 'that person'? Who the hell is it?"
"Now, that's wasn't very nice… people are usually glad to get visitors…"
I yawned. "They probably wanted another Sakura. No one would come and visit me." I replied.
"Oh, yeah?" She challenged with a grin. "Unless there' s another person in this hospital name Kinomoto Sakura, born on April 1st, currently seventeen years old, dad's name Fujitaka, brother Touya and a mom whom best not to talk about as that person had said, it's you, my darling."
I sat up a bit straighter. Who would be visiting me? I knew for a fact that Tomoyo and father wouldn't come… Touya would be busy with Yukito, and my other friends were probably having a party at Tomoyo's house… who on earth would come? And where's my New Year's Eve extra special present? Did the mailman get shot halfway through delivery? He'd better not! I need my present! "Who is it?"
"According to your father and this person, it's to remain a surprise until you see this person." She replied.
I rolled my eyes. "Let them in."
"Of course." She walked out the door to get 'the person'. But I called her back first. "Wait! Are they carrying a present with them?"
"No, they came empty handed." She replied by the door.
"Okay, you can keep walking now."
She nodded and was gone from view.
So the person didn't bring the present with them. When is that damn present going to arrive? And what is it? 'Cause I really need something to keep me awake in this white hell.
Two minutes later the nurse peeked in. "The person's here." She grinned mischievously.
But the person didn't come in. Instead, another nurse came in, helped the living corpse into a wheel chair and pushed her away, out of the room.
"What the hell? Is this person who's coming in bringing carbon monoxide to kill me that's why you're saving all the patients worth saving right now?" I asked.
"No, silly!" She giggled. "You'll see soon, well, enjoy the rest of the night!" She gave a tall, dark shadow a push and quickly shut the door.
I didn't look at this person; I closed my eyes just as that person came in. But I saw enough to know that it's a guy. So who the hell is this? If it was dad or Touya I'd've known… so who is this person? "Don't tell me." I said to him. "Let me guess who you are."
He didn't reply but I'm guessing he nodded.
"Are you… Yukito?"
"No."
Damn, that voice is way too manly to be Yukito… it's almost as manly as my brother's… and that's saying a lot… "Do I know you?"
"I certainly hope you haven't forgotten me…"
"Are you a friend of me or my brother?"
"You."
I'm really running out of ideas. Who could this person be?
Little by little, I lifted my eyelid and stared at the muscular figure standing in front of me. He had dark brown hair gelled so that his bangs were standing straight up, with dark green eyes staring back at me intently. A generous lip that did not show emotion, he hunched slightly forwards with his large hands inside his black jeans pocket, which matched his worn out black shirt.
My hand came over my mouth. "Oh, my God…" I backed away from him not meaning to. But I really could not stop staring at him. "What happened to your voice?"
He gave a tiny smile as he walked closer towards me timidly and unsurely as he shrugged. I backed away some more unintentionally. I could not be near him… the mere sight of him makes me shiver, makes me want to kill, makes me crave death, makes me weak with sorrow, and makes me soaked with love. It's not healthy having one person to have the ability to activate so many emotions in me at once. "I guess I've grown." He said.
I don't think I can get used to that voice. This deep, manly voice only adds to his attractiveness and I could not stand any longer. I shook my head at him. "No, no… no! You're not here! It's an illusion!" I sniffed. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE, JANSTONE KEVIN?"
He winced. "You know I don't like it when people call me by my full name…"
"YEAH? AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN BASTARDS WHO ABANDONS ME SUDDENLY BARGES BACK INTO MY LIFE!" Shut up Sakura! Shut up! Stop yelling at him! You still love him! Don't drive him away, even if this is a dream!
His guilty expression suddenly changed and his face showed no emotion whatsoever. He stared at me without words for three whole minutes, and for the three whole minutes, I shivered and cried inside in pain as well as to him. I tried so hard to break away from his powerful eyes but I felt locked to him, I could not move, even though I was quivering visibly from head to toe. "You understand I hate it when people yell at me. I deserve respect."
I swallowed fearfully, but I could not tell him I loved him so much even if the only thing I could think of was kissing his lips, and even if every time I look at his chest I only ended up visualizing what's underneath. He broke up with me; he gave me AIDS, YET I HATE MY FRIENDS AND NOT HIM! NO! HE DESERVES A PIECE OF MY MIND! "NO, DAMMIT!" I screamed at his face. "NO! DON'T YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I CAN TREAT YOU HOWEVER THE FUCK I LIKE UNDERSTAND YOU BASTARD? YOU OWE ME, YOU OWN ME BIG TIME! YOU OWE YOUR FUCKING LIFE! YOU GAVE THIS FUCKING DISEASE TO ME THAT'S WHY I'M DYING SO MISERABLY RIGHT NOW! DAY AFTER DAY, I SIT BY THE WINDOW WATCHING THE FUCKING SUN AND CLOUDS, EVERYDAY I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO BUT HAVE MY BLOOD TAKEN OUT AND SLEEP! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME? YOU'RE MAD AT ME FOR SOME STUPID FUCKING RESPECT SHIT?
"LISTEN KEVIN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHOULD BE FEELING SO MUCH GUILT RIGHT NOW, YOU SHOULD BE TREATING ME LIKE YOUR QUEEN! AND VERY MUCH FUCKING ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR DUMPING ME AT MY MOST CRUCIAL MOMENT ESPECIALLY SINCE THE CAUSE WAS YOU! CAN YOU COMPREHEND WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU, HUH YOU PRICK? DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR FUCKING ATTITUDE BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT! YOU OWE ME, YOU OWE ME EVERYTHING THAT A PERSON CAN OWE ANOTHER! YOU OWE ME YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!" My hands were shaking so badly as I screamed, I could feel them bouncing off the sheets of my bed repeatedly, but I had more trouble coming my way.
I was so foolish to think Kevin would just take my bullshit, eat it on a spoon with a smile on his face like Tomoyo and father and Touya had done for me so many times. I was so foolish. Kevin's not a family member; he's not a nice or responsible guy if he were to abandon his girlfriend after he gives her AIDS!
His expression grew grave as he took another step closer. I could feel my heart pounding like crazy as I glued myself to the edge of my bed stand; I wanted to get as far away from him as possible.
"Do not, give that bullshit to me, understand bitch?" I didn't say anything. "UNDERSTAND?" He screamed with raw madness. "I OWE YOU? I DON'T OWE YOU A FUCKING THINK YOU LOW-LIFED WHORE! IT'S YOUR OWN FUCKING FAULT YOU GOT AIDS AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I DIDN'T RAPE YOU! YOU AGREED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME THEREFORE YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITIES FOR YOUR OWN ACTION! YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS ONE THING I HATED SO MUCH ABOUT YOU! YOU CAN NEVER ADMIT ANYTHING TO BE YOUR FAULT! BACK THEN YOU WERE THAT FUCKING POPULAR BITCH AND PEOPLE COVERED UP FOR YOU, BUT NOW, I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH! WHY DO YOU THINK NO ONE VISITS YOU? BECAUSE YOU WERE SO FUCKING SELFISH AND OBLIVIOUS TO OTHERS' FEELINGS! THE ONLY REASON THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU THEN WAS BECAUSE YOU WERE POPULAR! BUT DEEP DOWN, NOBODY LIKES YOU, AND THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES, YOU HATE HER AND TREAT HER LIKE SHIT! YOU'RE A COMPLETE LOW-LIFED SELFISH SLUT! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT OTHERS!"
Did he have to do this? I could feel the tears running down my cheeks rapidly, I could feel my eyes wavering. Did he have to hit me right on my weakest points? He could've talked about anything but this! But this was Kevin, the boy who was always a winner, always one step ahead of everybody else, always with the information to control everybody like his puppet. But I didn't care right now, as much as I could not stop imagining his kisses, him shirtless, his beautiful body, I will not give in to him, I will not be that Sakura who would just cry at everything and wait for something to comfort me, because this time, there is no one to comfort me! I'm all alone in this world, and this final war, is one I have to fight all by myself.
"ME? A LOW-LIFED PRICK? SELIFISH? SELFISH IS ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE YOU! YOU DON'T DUMP YOUR GIRLFRIEND AFTER SHE'S GOT SOME DISEASE THAT SHE GOT FROM YOU! YOU STICK BY HER SIDE EVEN IF SHE'D GOTTEN IT FROM SOME OTHER BASTARD! NEVER MIND YOU STILL GOING OUT WITH ME, YOU DIDN'T EVEN VISIT ME ONCE FOR A WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR! PEOPLE LIKED ME, OKAY? YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I WAS MORE POPULAR THAN YOU BACK THEN! I HAD MORE FRIENDS! PEOPLE LIKED ME MORE THAN YOU! I WAS ANYTHING BUT SELFISH! I CARED ABOUT PEOPLE AND IN RETURN THEY CARED ABOUT ME! I WASN'T BORN POPULAR YOU KNOW! IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY GENEROSITY THAT THEY ALL WORSHIPPED ME! UNLIKE YOU! PIECE OF DOG SHIT VOMITED FORTH WHEN CREATION WAS LOOKING THE OTHER WAY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK TO ME! IN FACT I GAVE YOU HALF THE FRIENDS YOU HAVE NOW! WITHOU ME, THEY WOULDN'T'VE EVEN BOTHERED TALKING TO SICK TRASH LIKE YOU!"
"DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING TALK TO ME THAT WAY YOU FUCKING HOE! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO POPULAR THAT WAY? YOU'RE JUST POPULAR BECAUSE YOU DATED SO MANY GUYS AND YOU WERE A CHEERLEADER! THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO YOU! YOU'RE STUPID, YOU DON'T NOTICE ANYTHING, YOU HAVE NO BRAIN, AND THE WORD 'OTHER' WAS NEVER IN YOUR VOCABULARY! I'M SELFISH? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I GO OUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE SENTENCED TO DEATH? THERE WAS NO POINT! YOU DARE SAY YOU'RE NOT SELFISH! NOT ONLY ARE YOU FUCKING DYING—AS YOU DESERVE—YOU MUST MAKE EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU SUFFER JUST AS MUCH! LOOK AT TOMOYO, SHE SPENDS DAY AND NIGHT CRYING ABOUT YOU, AND EVERYTIME SHE VISITS YOU, SHE COMES BACK EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE! YOU'RE TEARING HER APART AND YOU FUCKING LOVE IT! YOU LOVE WATCHING OTHERS IN TORMENT YOU SELFISH DEVIL! YOU'RE THE MOST WICKED CREATION GOD HAS EVER MADE AND A CURSE ON EVERYONE WHO'S EVER KNOWN YOU! A TRUE UNSELFISH PERSON WISHES HAPPINESS FOR OTHERS SO THAT THIS WORLD'S SUFFERING CAN BE REDUCED TO A MINUMUM! BUT YOU STILL FUCKING WANT TOMOYO AND ME AND THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCHOOL TO FUCKING SUFFER WITH YOU!"
"SHUT UP!" I screeched. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!"
"NO! CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE? I'M ONLY TELLING YOU THE SIMPLE TRUTH! IS IT FINALLY SINKING INTO YOUR DENSE BULLSHIT FILLED HEAD?"
"FUCK YOU KEVIN! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE OF MISERY FOR ME; I JUST WANT YOU TO BE A BIT MORE RESPONSIBLE! BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT I CAUGHT THE DISEASE FROM YOU!"
"FROM ME? YOU HAVE NO PROVE OF THAT YOU FUCKING SLUT! FOR ALL KNOW, YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN IT FROM ANY ONE OF THE BOYS YOU'VE FUCKED BEFORE ME AND THEN PASSED IT ONTO ME!"
"AAAAAAAH! KEVIN! FUCK YOU!" I screamed uncontrollably. I cannot believe he just said that! NO! HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT! HOW DARE HE? HE'S ACCUSING ME OF PASSING IT ONTO HIM? HE WAS MY FUCKING FIRST TIME! "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME BACK! YOU TWO FACED LIAR! YOU WERE MY FIRST TIME AND DAMN DID I REGRET THAT! I CANNOT BELIEVE I WOULD SCREW SOME SPAT OUT GARBAGE LIKE YOU!"
"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT BITCH, SHOWS WHO YOU REALLY ARE INSIDE! YOU WOULD SCREW EVEN GARBAGE, SO WHAT HAVEN'T YOU SCREWED YET, HUH, YOU PROSTITUTE? YEAH, THAT'S THE PERFECT NAME FOR YOU! SOMEONE WHO HAS NO BRAIN LIKE YOU! YOU HAVE NO FUTURE! YOUR ONLY WAY TO SURVIVAL IS BEING A PROSTITUTE! THAT'S THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOOD AT! YOU'LL SCREW AN 80 YEAR-OLD MAN IF HE PAID YOU HIGH ENOUGH WOULDN'T YOU? AFTER ALL, IF GARBAGE IS SCREWABLE IN YOUR DEFINITION WHAT THE FUCK'S NOT?"
"KEVIN! SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU! SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE! SHUT UP AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
"NO! JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND THE TRUTH, DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING BACK OFF SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU SAID SO! I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE AND YOU BETTER GET THAT THROUGH THAT THICK HEAD OF YOURS BEFORE I HAVE TO BEAT THAT INFORMATION IN! YOU STARTED THIS FIGHT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WOULD MAKE ME GUILTY. WELL NEWS FLASH! YOU AREN'T ALWAYS THE ONE IN CONTROL! IN FACT YOU NEVER WERE, NOBODY EVER DARED TO TELL YOU THEIR TRUE OPPINION IS ALL!"
"KEVIN YOU SHUT THAT TRAP OF YOURS RIGHT NOW!"
"NO! YOU DESERVE AIDS! YOU DESERVE TO DIE! YOU'RE ONLY DOING A FAVOUR TO EVERYONE ELSE, SO AT LEAST BE GLAD ONE PART OF YOU IS NOBLE, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR DEATH!"
"SHUT UP! I WANT TO HEAR NOTHING OUT OF YOU!"
"NO! BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR ME OUT GOOD! I'M SO SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT AND I'M HERE TO STAND UP FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAVE SUFFERED ON YOUR BEHALF AND THAT INCLUDES EVERYONE YOU'VE INTERACTED WITH! NOW YOU FINALLY KNOW THE TRUTH, BUT YOUR HEAD IS TOO DENSE TO ACCEPT IT AND YOU'RE JUST WAY TOO FUCKING SELF-ABSORBED TO REALIZE THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO PERFECTION! YOU WOULD SHOVE YOUR FACE UP YOUR OWN ASS IF IT COULD MAKE YOU MONEY! YOU'LL STOOP AS LOW AS HUMAN RACE HAS EVER DARED TO EXPLORE, THAT'S HOW FUCKED UP YOU ARE!"
"SHUT UP KEVIN! SHUT UP! I CAN'T ARGUE LIKE YOU CAN, BUT I DO HAVE ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT ME FOR ONE SIMPLE REASON, PEOPLE WITH A HEART DO NOT LEAVE THOSE THEY LOVE!"
"BUT I NEVER LOVED YOU!"
Then there was silence.
Our berserk yelling stopped, and Kevin's eyes were wide as if he had accidentally let something slip.
I simply sat there and bit my quivering lips. "W-What?" I asked, stunned. No, he didn't say that!
He sat down on the living corpse's bed, his hand that was flaring wildly above him and pointing accusing fingers just a minute ago are now fidgeting in his lap. Beads of sweat rolled down his forehead as he looked anywhere but my eyes. "Let's, let's talk about something else…" His voice was suddenly soft.
"No… NO! EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ME!" A fresh round of tears smeared my face pitifully. No words can describe my feelings right now. It feels like some evil being is trapped within in my heart, and I would rip my heart in two just to be released of it! I would almost do anything! But I can't die just yet… what does Kevin mean dammit, he never loved me? NO! IT WAS JUST A SPUR OF THE MOMENT!
"I…" He looked down. "You win the argument, let's talk about something else…"
"No! I deserve to know the truth! You can spit all those venomous words at me and now all of a sudden when it involves you, you can't? Don't be a wimp!"
"FINE! But I'm no wimp! I'm saving your from pitiful sorrow, but you're asking for this!"
I glared at him coldly. "Hit me with all you've got."
"There is nothing! I never loved you! I wasn't half as popular as you were, but I knew I wasn't bad looking and I could probably seduce you easily. I went out with you, made a bunch of new, cooler friends, more girls liked me, and I became popular. Then I wanted to screw you 'cause I would be the man to have fucked 'The Sakura'. All my new cooler friends all thought getting laid was pretty damn funny so I did it too… it's not like I haven't done it before… I wasn't popular but I knew I was good looking and I did get around to quite a few girls, you just gave my popularity a boost especially after I screwed you."
I could not believe my ears at that moment, I was positive someone modified it. "You… you-you, y-you l-l-li-lie…" I chocked. "YOU LIE!" I CANNOT HAVE LOVED AND STILL LOVE A BASTARD LIKE THIS, NO!
"I'm not lying." His said coldly. "I told you not to ask for it but you had to, now I'm telling you the truth and you can accept it."
I hugged my legs to my chest but because I was so skinny I felt hallow. Then I reached out and grabbed that white bear I got for Christmas and hugged its chubby body against mine. I sobbed uncontrollably as my shoulders shook rapidly and unstoppably. "You… you lie…" I hiccupped.
"No, I don't. Why can't you get that through your thick head? You think the world should always work perfect for you. Well news flash, it doesn't."
"No…" I denied again. "YOU LIE! IF YOU TRULY DID NOT LOVE YOU WOULDN'T'VE CAME TO BE WITH ME FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE!"
"IT WAS A BEG FROM YOUR DAD AND TOMOYO!"
This was the second big shock I found out tonight. I felt so struck I could hardly sit straight even though I was leaning against my bed stand and the wall behind me. I could feel my entire body going limb. I pinched my right leg mercilessly just to feel that immense pain. I was desperate enough right now to do anything but to let what Janstone Kevin had just said ring in my ears.
"It was only a request from father and Tomoyo… you didn't come by freewill…."
He sighed. "I didn't mean to tell this to you, Sakura… but with my personality, the one that always, that must win, I would do anything and sometimes blurt out the most painful things…"
"Oh God…" I prayed crying harder. This was my special New Year's Eve gift? THIS? THIS IS THE ABSOLUTELY WORST PRESENT—SHUT UP! Don't say that Sakura… they didn't know this was going to happen… if you blame them right now then everything Kevin said about you would be true… and this is the last thing you need! They did find the thing you love most for you… it's only because this damn thing is too spoiled that it's turning to be such a backfired present… but they meant well…
Oh, how could I have not known? That picture frame on Christmas… it was hint! I should've seen this coming, I should've!
I continued crying as Kevin continued sitting there on the living corpse's bed and watched me. He didn't comfort me, or even say a word, he watched me cry.
-
I didn't stop, I couldn't. Every time I thought it was going to be okay, I kept hearing his voice ringing over and over and over again through my mind, those two cruel sentences that proved he really never loved me.
Then suddenly, a hand was on my shoulder. I looked up groggily with red and tried eyes. "What do you want?" I asked coldly.
He hesitated, but only a bit, then held out two elegant glass cups and a bottle of red wine. "It's 11:55 now, Sakura, New Year's approaching. You want to start things off good, right?"
"I don't know if I'm going to make it past New Year…" I muttered.
"Oh please, don't be ridiculous, you'll be able to live past your birthday in your current position, I mean looked at you—" Then he paused, as I stared up at him with dead eyes. Yeah, look at me. What's there to see? White skin, dead eyes, pale lips, skin directly on bones, unhealthy balance and etc. There was nothing, nothing at all, healthy about me. "Well, you're going to live past your birthday." Was what he said instead.
He poured two cups of wine and handed a glass to me.
For the first time since a whole entire year he sat down right next to me. So close I could feel his warm skin and smell his masculine scent. Still, we said nothing to each other.
We waited, and waited.
10…
9…
8…
7…
6…
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
And fireworks shot up into the sky.
At that precise moment I clinked glasses with him as we both took a sip of our wine, well, actually I gulped down all of mine in one gulp, hoping to swallow my misery along with it.
But obviously one mouthful wasn't going to do, and I went to grab the entire bottle.
"Sakura…" Kevin reasoned trying to get the bottle out of my hands.
"SHUT UP! JUST LET ME BE!"
He paused for a bit then shook his head in disgust and let me do as I wish as he drank another bit of his wine.
I took the entire bottle and I began to drink. It made me dizzy and my head and my throat hurts, but I drank anyways. The liquid leaked out of the side of my mouth, and went down my neck, but I kept drinking, trying to put all the misery in my life in that red liquid so that every painful swallow I made, I knew it was for something worth… for a better future. I didn't stop until the entire bottle was gone. Then I hurtled the glass across the room as the pieces shattered on the wall. My skin was dyed in streaks of red and I could feel myself heating up.
Kevin finished his last drop of wine and left the glass on the table. "Happy new years Sakura…" He said. But he didn't bend down to kiss me. He didn't do anything actually. He just said those words and stood up. "Well, they asked me to stay with you for New Year's Eve, and well, I guess that's it… there's nothing more really, I'd give you a present but I really don't know what you would want after not communicating with you for almost a year, so I guess it's time to take my leave… well, have a nice year Sakura, goodbye."
And just like that, appearing in my life only for a couple of hours to cause misery he's leaving me again, and yet, I'm still so helplessly in love with him.
He turned to walk away.
I could feel the tears bubbling in me, they spilt out of my eyes and I realized that I wanted him so badly. "KEVIN!"
He stopped walking and turned around to see that mess sprawling across the bed that was my body. "Yes?"
"Kevin! Don't go, no, not yet!"
"There's nothing else to be done. I completed my promise."
"No, you can still give me a New Year's present!"
"Oh?"
"Yes, Kevin, stay, just for a bit more…" I choked and wiped at my tears and wine stains so that they mixed together. "Come closer to me…"
And he did. He stood right next to me.
Slowly, I dared to lift my head ever so slightly to see his strong jaw line and his handsome face that I could once touch so freely.
"What is it you want?" He asked.
"Kevin…" my right hand reached up halfway, but he didn't grab it with his own hand, he just stared at it. "Kevin… I want you to kiss me."
He raised an eyebrow. "You know I don't love you…"
"Please don't say anymore… just kiss me…"
"You know I'm only here because of your father and Tomoyo…"
"Kiss me, dammit!"
"Doesn't this bother you at all? Where's your dignity?"
"I don't care! Please, kiss me!" I begged.
He bent down to level with me and looked at me with disgust. "You sicken me, you know that? A weak woman with no self-respect. I can't believe you'd go as low as begging for a man who hates you to kiss you… I can't believe you're that desperate…"
The tears continued. I didn't care anymore… I just wanted him to kiss me… to stop talking and kiss me even if it meant nothing. "Please…"
"Say you beg me."
"I beg you, Kevin…"
He laughed cruelly. "I was right, as I always am. You would shove your face up your own ass if you could get some pitiful meaningless thing…" He chuckled bitterly. "But if this is what you so wishes."
And he bent down, and he kissed me.
I felt warmer than the wine could ever make me. All of a sudden all the pain was gone, my tears didn't seem real, everything around me dematerialized and all the hatred vanished and all I could think about was his kiss and how it tingled my senses. I had wanted him to keep kissing me until he sucks the very breath out of me, but he didn't.
He only kissed me on the lips for two quick seconds before drawing back. "You have your wish. Happy New Years, and I will perform no more services for you." He opened the door, and was gone without a last goodbye. The door shuts silently behind him, and I was left all alone in this room. "Please… don't go…" I whispered hoarsely. But I knew he was gone, and he was not coming back, not ever again.
I drew my legs up to my chest again as I reached my for my teddy bear. Why wouldn't this pain stopped? Even after so much wine, this throbbing, it's still too much to bear, too raw to contain inside of me if I don't cry some of it out. I need him… I need him to kiss me… Kevin, come back! I want you to kiss me again, I really don't care whether you truly love me or not, only when you kiss me can I be rid of this sorrow! Kevin, come back!
I felt so vulnerable, so openly disgusted with myself, yet I could not help it.
I loved him so dearly, but why does he not love me back, why? Oh, WHY? How can I survive like this? I can't! I can't live any longer!
Then visions and ideas came to me. Why suffer so long when I can suffer shorter? It's all going to end the same either way… I felt my cries lessen as I concentrated on death. I had degraded myself to begging. He was right, I had no self-respect and I stoop as low as a dog. He was right, as always. I was the awful trash vomited forth when Creation was working on something else. I sold myself, my soul, every last sprinkle dignity I had left just to gain some meaningless kiss, I am the most despicable person ever lived, I had no right to talk about anyone else.
I need something sharp right now… something sharp… I threw the wine bottle against the wall, but Kevin left the cups. If I smash it in half the broken shards would be very sharp… then I can slit my wrists and watch my blood slip away… it's not going to matter because I watch that three times a day anyways… then there will be no more pain… I will finally stop worrying about everything, stop complaining, and stop making others miserable…
And if that glass doesn't work, I can always run in the wall… or bite off my tongue… they say if you bite off your tongue you'll quickly bleed to death within seconds… but that's going to hurt…
If I really have no other choice, I can search through that living corpse's desk and possibly find some sleeping pills and drug myself, or even run to the highest level in this hospital and jump off. There was so many possibilities and they were all there, ready and waiting for me. Death was so much easier than life. You support life, but death supports you, and it's always there for you, and will never abandon you.
Right now I think my most likely resort is to cut my wrist… yeah, that's right… the blood inside me isn't mine anyways… so I won't feel anything as they're drained from me… that's right… cutting myself shouldn't be hard, there's glass everywhere… if the glass cups don't work, I can shatter the windows… yes… it's all perfect and planned out, I'm going to bleed to death tonight… ha-ha! Ah, yes, the blood, slit my wrist and watch is all drain away… I'm going to do it now… I'm going to do it—
"Don't."
I was so startled that I sat up with my eyes wide and momentarily forget my pain and agony.
A young man was kneeling right by my bed, and it's not Kevin.
"What?"
"Don't." He repeated.
"Don't what?" I asked.
"You were going to commit suicide. Don't."
I was so utterly shocked. He knew what I was going to do! But how?
"Most people at certain most emotional times feel this way, but if you can overcome it, it'll all be fine… throwing life away if the greatest crime a person can commit, and I won't let you do that to yourself…"
I stopped looking at him and went back to hugging my teddy and crying. "But I feel so useless, so degraded… there's nothing to live for anymore…"
"Now, now… you won't feel any better hugging a lifeless thing…"
I looked up with a wet face to him opening his arms. It's been so long since anyone made that gesture to me, and I couldn't help but to accept it. I hugged him tightly and for the first time in quite awhile I was so warm… I could feel the sadness just slowly slipping away, as is my consciousness.
My tears stopped fifteen minutes after and I was just in this mysterious young man's arms, all warm and cozy. Maybe this is what I needed… to be loved… I yawned.
The young man understood. He carried me up and placed me on my bed, drew back and covered me up with my blanket. Already my eyes were half closed.
He kissed me on the forehead, and whispered, "Happy New Years, my angel, and remember, don't ever throw life away. Goodnight." Then he turned to walk away.
"Wait…" I said weakly, already going into sleep.
"Yes?" He turned around.
"Who are you?"
"Shhh… Sleep for now, I will be back tomorrow for you, we can talk then… you need your rest right now…"
"No, wait, tell me, at least let me know your name…"
"All right. My name is Li Syaoran. And that name doesn't mean anything to you right now, but tomorrow you will understand about me, and I'll get to know you… Goodnight, and sweet dreams." He said sincerely.
"Goodnight, Syaoran…" I sighed dreamily as sleep took over my body.
And just for once, I knew that tonight, no nightmare will penetrate my world.
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Author's Note: In some ways I hate Kevin but I also don't… he's a real bastard in some sort of ways but also a real futuristic person I don't know if you've noticed… just in a cold way… Well, at least I introduced Syaoran right? Sorry if there's any spelling errors but it's like 4:00am right now and I'm going to die on my keyboard.
7505 Words.