Title: Generic Halo Parody,
Chapter one, The Pillar of Autumn.
Summary: Generic Halo Parody, Need I say more? I figured that everyone else has done a Halo 1 parody, so I felt I should give it a try. And remember, if you give me a good review, the arbiter will do a river dance for you!
arbiter: I don't remember ever agreeing to that...
Guilty Mc Spark: If you do it I'll give you a cookie!
arbiter: ...grumble... damn you and your cookie...
Disclaimer: I do not, nor ever will own the Halo series, the numa numa dance, the song "Dragostea Din Tei" by O-zone, Macromedia Flash player, Inuyasha, Walt Disney, or anything else relevant or pertaining to this story. Thank you.
With the Covenant decimating Reach, the lone ship, The Pillar of Autumn drifted silently through space.
"Hey wise-ass, uh I mean Cortana, did we lose them?" captain Keyes said.
"I think we both know the answer to that jackass." Cortana spoke as her image flickered to life on the holo panel.
"We made a blind jump, how did they...?" The captain of the Autumn stated.
Cortana then interrupted, "Covenant ships have always been faster, and if by "blind jump" you mean flying this huge-ass behemoth of a space ship directly through a covenant blockade, at 35mph, with the turn signal on, then diverting off course to follow an ice cream truck with a fist full of cash yelling "ICECREAM ICECREAM ICECREAM!", then I suppose the covenant ships had a damn good reason to follow us, now didn't they?"
"...Did we ever find out what that that ice cream truck was doin' out in the middle of outer space anyway?" Keyes said.
"...No... I don't believe we did, and I guess we'll never know, seeing as it got sucked into that wormhole."
"To think I never even got my ice cream... sigh, lest we forget the ice cream that got away."
"We have ice cream on the ship, sir."
"But it didn't come from an ice cream truck, its just not the same..."
BOOM!
"HOLY CRAP ALA KING! What the hell was that?" Keyes yelled.
"That would be an antimatter charge. Oh, by the way, did I neglect to mention that while we were talking about the ice cream, the covenant launched a wave of boarding craft to infiltrate the ship, and have killed about 75 marines by now?" Cortana said.
"Damn! We only have one option now... launch the Pillar's ultimate weapon..."
"Dear God sir! It hasn't even been tested yet! The consequences could be terrible!" Cortana almost shrieked.
"I'm sorry Cortana, we have no other choice, activate it."
"I hope this works" Cortana stated as she punched some commands into the ship's mainframe, suddenly a rumbling occurred on the bridge, and a small panel opened up in the floor.
"The weapon has been activated, I pray that you know what you're doing..." she said.
"I hope I do Cortana, I hope I do..." Keyes said as he looked over at the open panel as a small potted ficus was raised out of the floor.
"...That's it? From the 300 billion dollars that went into the construction of this ship, the best secret weapon you could come up with was that tiny little ficus?" Keyes almost yelled.
"First of all, it's not little, the ficus is five feet tall, and secondly, 299,999,999,995 of those dollars went into the production of the karaoke bar on C deck. So there" Cortana protested.
"Sigh... I do love that karaoke bar... Well anyways, how are we supposed to hold off the covies' with a potted tree?"
"Well, for starters, you could throw it at the elite standing outside the bridge." Cortana suggested.
O.o; "Well I guess so, but what good would that do?"
"Um, I guess it would sting a little..." Cortana said.
"Jesus H. Christ! Are you sure you're not a dumb A.I.? Well here goes nothing..."
A few minuets later we see the captain running down the hallway yelling "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" at the elite standing across the way, waving the fairly large potted ficus over his head. Then, just as the elite turned around, Keyes chucked the ficus at him, and yelled "TAKE THAT YOU SPLIT CHINNED BASTARD!".
BOOM! The ficus hit the elite square in the face, lowering his shields slightly.
"...ow... What the hell was that? Did someone just throw a potted plant at me?" the elite's deep voice rumbled.
"OMFG! It didn't work! Abort operation 'throw-houseplant-at-elite'! Run away!" Keyes screamed as he ran back to the bridge.
"I see it didn't work, I told you we should have tested it first." Cortana said. "Should I prepare the Fine China Launcher 3000?" She then displays a picture of a slingshot and a wine glass on the monitor.
"No Cortana, I don't think that will be necessary, I have an ever-so-slightly better plan, we are going to release the Spartan from cryo. Tell the bastards down in cryo B to get on it immediately."
"Yes sir!"
The camera pans down in a humongous room full of Pelican dropships, Warthogs, and Scorpion tanks, then we see Sargent Johnson walking in front of a dozen or so marines and over to a small chair with a little T.V. next to it playing that show 'All My Children'.
"All you greenhorns who wanted to see Covenant up close... this is gonna be your lucky day, now move like you got a purpose... I'm missing my soaps." Sarge said as he went back to watching All My Children.
Meanwhile in cryo storage B, we find a technician doing the numa numa dance in front of his webcam, and posting it on the Internet...
"Ma-ia-hii! Ma-ia-huu! Ma-ia-haa! Ma-ia-haha!" the tech lip synced while flailing his arms around like he was having a seizure.
"HEY DUMBASS!" Cortana screeched through his headphones.
"OMFG! Who's there?" the startled technician yelled.
"This is Cortana, I hacked into your headphones, now stop poorly doing the numa numa dance and get back to work! Captain Keyes needs you to thaw the Master Chief from cryo."
"Y-Yes ma'am! God am I embarrassed..."
"Well you should be, you techs could just read fan fictions, and download porn off the Internet like everyone else, but no, instead you go around posting crappy flash movies of things that have been done before on Newgrounds dot com! Not that there is anything wrong with the numa numa dance, or the song "Dragostea Din Tei" by O-zone, but It's been done so many times before that its just lost its funny. So please just stop spreading retard all over the place, and do your damn job!"
"Sigh... Yes ma'am." He said as he punched in a few commands into his computer.
Next we see another tech standing by the cryo tube containing the Master Chief, the hatch slowly opens, and our hero steps out.
"Hello sir!" The tech happily chirped.
(yawns) "Well that was a pleasant nap, but I think my butt's still frozen..." Chief said groggily.
"Never mind that sir! there'll be time to unfreeze your stupid butt later, first we need to..."
"WHAT?" Chief roared, "NO ONE CALLES MY BUTT STUPID!" The Master Chief then precedes to rip out the tech's spine, in a most unpleasant fashion.
O.O;;;;;; "Um, okay, I'll remember not to insult any of your body parts in the near future... well, for no reason whatsoever, we have to test all of your motor skills, by pointlessly looking at little green lights, okay, look at the top light... sir?" The other tech said.
"Um, I think we'll skip this part, because it's pointless, and your mother was a whore." Chief said.
"What was that about my mama?" The tech said.
"Oh nothing, now what were we supposed to be doing?"
"Well, we were..."
Suddenly, the tech was cut off as a loud pounding noise came from the metal door, in the room above them.
"Holy shit on toast! They're breaking through the door! And rather than running out the other door, I shall just stand here like a total jackass." The technician in the room said fairly nonchalantly.
BOOM! The door flew halfway across the room, as an elite ran in and slaughtered the moronic tech... The funny thing is he most likely deserved it too...
"Damn! We have to get you to the bridge! Quick, follow me!" The tech yelled as he bolted out a nearby door.
A few seconds later Chief and the tech turned a corner to see a door at the end of the corridor with a small fire in front of it.
"COOL! FIRE! FIRE GOOD! MUST RUN INTO IMMINENT EXPLOSION!" The tech yelled for no reason. (did you ever wonder why that guy runs into the fire at the end of the hall on the pillar of autumn level and kills himself? O.o)
"Aw crap... Now how the hell am I supposed to find the bridge?" chief muttered to himself.
Chief then walks down a couple of hallways before coming to another turn, but before he turns the corner, he hears a couple of deep elite voices arguing amongst themselves, then peeks around the corner to see a black and blue elite bickering about something...
"I'm telling you Zuka Zamamee, in a death match between Hilary Duff and Lizzie McGuire, Lizzie McGuire would ALWAYS win!" a deep voice rumbled.
"Nu-uh Paul, Hilary Duff is way stronger than Lizzie McGuire, she would like totally kick her ass!" Zuka Zamamee bellowed.
"What? I'm not Paul, I'm Ado 'Mortumee, Paul got stationed on guard duty on C deck."
"What do you mean Paul got stationed on C deck? Is that where Isna 'Nosolee, Soha 'Rolamee, and commander Orna 'Fulsamee got sent to?" Zamamee said.
"Yeah, you know, the one with the Karaoke bar?"
"Karaoke bar? Why was I not informed of this? I ain't never heard of no karaoke bar!" the black elite yelled.
"You've never been? They probably didn't tell you because you're a Spec Ops elite, you may outrank me, but you aren't even supposed to be here, you're supposed to be in cryo trying to kill the demon."
"Yeah, well, I couldn't find the cryo room, and I hear the demon is already loose, so it's out of my job description, but is this karaoke bar I've been hearing about any fun? "
"Pretty fun, especially after you've had a few tequila slammers." Ado' said.
"Then what the hell are we standing around here for? Let's go!"
Chief then watched the two elites skip merrily down the hall to go get wasted.
"Well that's somethin' you don't see everyday, now back to finding that damn bridge..."
47 hours later...
Chief walks up to a sign that says "bridge B" with an arrow pointing left.
"...Bridge B? What the hell? Then where's bridge A?"
Chief walks over to a nearby marine.
"Excuse me, is this where I can find captain Keyes?" chief said.
"Captain Keyes? Um, no, he's on bridge A." The marine said to the chief.
"And where pray tell is that exactly?"
"Um, let me think... Oh yes, it's all the way on the other end of the ship, just make a left turn at the end of the hallway, past the armory, through the warthog storage area, take the elevator up to the karaoke bar on C deck, walk past the Pelican hanger next to the Starbucks, go by the petting zoo..."
"The one with the ferris wheel?"
"Yeah that's the one, anyway, after that take four left turns, walk by the Scorpion tank bay, through the tanning salon, and take the I-95 exit 8, then turn right at the Longsword hanger, and then all you have to do is take the next left and walk 37 miles... and you're there!"
O.O "...Maybe I should have written that down..."
"Probably, sir" the marine said, then for no reason whatsoever, traveled back in time to try to assassinate the cast of Dawson's Creek.
O.o "I wish I had time travel powers..." Chief said.
Then, for another TOTALLY random reason, a man in a chipmunk costume walked over to Master Chief and said "Say hello to my little friend!" Then he held up an arctic blue penguin.
"Uh... Hello?" chief said.
BOOM! The penguin exploded... for no reason, killing the man in the chipmunk costume.
"Jesus Christ! This story's gettin' weird! ...Oh crap! Now I forgot whether that guy from earlier said to turn left or right after I take I-95 exit 8..."
POOF!
O.O "Holy crap! How the hell did I end up on the bridge?" Chief said.
"It was a writers convenience, that I used to advance the story."
"Oh shit who said that?"
"Twas I, the author! Guilty Mc Spark!"
"...Author of what?"
"Why the fan fiction, of course!"
"What the hell do you mean, 'fan fiction'?"
"Why a fan fiction is a fictional story written by a fan of something like a movie, book, T.V. show, whatever, that involves the characters doing interesting things that is fairly unlikely that they would ever do in said movie, book, T.V. show, or whatever. For example, one could write a fan fic about a death match between Harry Potter and Goku,with Inuyasha piloting a metal gear Rex... If only..."
"Y-You mean all of this is a lie? None of this is really happening? It's just some crazy-ass story made up by some author about a bunch of fake characters?" chief yelled.
"Yeah, you know, that old chestnut."
"Dear God, I have to tell everyone!"
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" (pulls out a neuralizer from MIB)
FLASH!
"... What just happened?" chief said in a daze from the neuralizer.
"Nothing just happened, you've never seen me before, nor do you think your life is a carefully orchestrated lie, you were just going to see captain Keyes on the bridge, and as soon as you do so, you will forget ever seeing me or us having this conversation. Understand?"
"Uh, o.k. sure, whatever..." Chief said as he forgot everything and went to the bridge.
On the bridge...
"I'm telling you dumbass, the ice cream on the ship is every bit as good as the crappy ice cream on that stupid ice cream truck!" Cortana yelled.
"THE HELL IT IS!" Keyes barked at Cortana.
"IF YOU LOVE YOUR DAMN ICE CREAM SO MUCH, THEN GO MARRY IT!"
"Maybe I will! And it'll be a great wedding too! We'll have a limo, and cake, and punch, and a nice reception, where we'll play that song by The Breakfast Club so as to clear out the room at the end, and not have to exchange pleasantries with all of our drunk relatives on the way out, that got a little to tipsy at the open bar! AND GUESS WHAT CORTANA? YOU'RE NOT INVITED!" Keyes screamed.
"OH YEAH? OH YEAH? WELL EVEN IF THERE IS CAKE AND PUNCH I STILL WOULD'NT GO, EVEN IF I WAS INVITED! YOU AND YOUR STUPID ICE CREAM CAN ROT IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL, YOU ICE CREAM FETISH BASTARD!"
"Oh no, you did NOT just say that about my ice cream. That's it bitch, it's go time."
"THEN SPIN THE WHEEL RAGEDY MAN!"
"BRING IT ON YOU HOLO-WHORE!"
Just then, the Master Chief then walks into the Autumn's bridge to see a screaming match between the captain, and the ship's A.I. about marring ice cream, and holo-whores.
O.o "Um, I'm not interrupting anything here, am I?" Chief said.
"Uh, I, um, n-no, nothing at all, we were just having a discussion about, uh, oh say..."
"THE STOCK MARKET!" Keyes yelled, hoping chief would believe it.
"Tch, yeah, I hear the price of ICE CREAM shot way up last week!" Cortana said, looking over at Keyes.
"Oh don't think I didn't get that little remark, you cyber-slut! I know what you're up to, AND IT WONT WORK! You'll never get the antidote! Mwahahahahahahahahahah!"
"... What the hell are you talking about? What antidote?" Cortana said with a confused look on her face.
"The antidote to the deadly computer virus, you ice cream-hating bitch! Bwahahahaha!"
"Computer virus? ...Oh, NOW I remember, you tried to upload that crappy Trojan into my mainframe a few hours ago, in case I tried to go rampant and kill everybody. You fool, first of all, computer viruses don't have antidotes, they have anti-virus programs, second of all, Dr. Halsey gave me some of the most advanced anti-virus programs in the universe, your crappy virus may have mildly slowed down an old windows 3.1 OS, but it can't do crap to me! I deleted that thing a couple seconds after I saw you shove that floppy disk labeled 'this is not a computer virus' in the ship's mainframe! Jackass!"
"So, your saying my car doesn't need a new muffler?" Keyes said.
"... You haven't heard a word I've said, have you sir?"
"Do what now?"
"Um, captain, I don't mean to interrupt whatever the hell it is that you're doing, but didn't you want to see me for something?" Chief said.
"Ah yes, Master Chef, I need someone to make me some ice cream truck quality ice cream, and you're just the man for the job!"
"No sir, I'm the Master Chief, Spartan 117, the master chef got killed on Reach."
"Oh... Well then, I guess you can just safeguard the holo-whore here till' we get back to Earth."
"Captain, you do know that I have the power to shut off the oxygen, don't you?" Cortana said.
"Don't be silly Cortana, oxygen is just an old wise tale, there is no such thing." Keyes said.
"How did this idiot ever get promoted to the rank of captain?" Chief said to Cortana.
"Because he slept his way to the top, that's how Chief."
"Cortana! That's a damn lie! I never in my life... Oh wait, no, you're right, I did."
O.O "Captain, I was just insulting you, I didn't mean that I knew you really DID sleep your way to the top... So, who did you sleep with to get promoted anyway?"
"Everyone between the rank of Lieutenant and 3 star General, that's who Cortana."
O.O Everyone looks at the Captain of the Autumn.
"So, you're saying that you'll whore yourself out to anyone just to get a promotion?" Chief said.
"Yup, anyone. Go ahead, name someone."
"That guy who played the butler on that show 'Mr. Belvedere'." Cortana said.
"Oh come now Cortana, that would have to be a pretty big promotion!" Keyes replied.
"You didn't answer my question, sir, yes or no?"
"Anyway Master Chief, Cortana here knows all kinds of important crap, like human weapons development, force deployment, Earth, so it is imperative that this bitch, uh, I mean A.I. is safe from the covenant, so what you do is, take this little floppy disk thing, and cram it in the back of your head, it may sting a little, actually it will sing a lot, but..."
"Sir, you never answered my question, yes on no?"
"There's no time for idle chit chat Cortana, we need to cram you in the back of chief's head, so that you might be safe from the Covies'."
"DAMNIT KEYES! ANSWER MY QUESTION! WOULD YOU OR WOULD YOU NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MR. BELVEDERE SO AS TO GAIN A MAJOR PROMOTION?" Cortana yelled at Keyes.
"Chief, once you have Cortana, your objective will be to keep her safe from the Covenant, and destruction, that is absolutely unacceptable. So after we're done here, I want you to board an escape pod, and hide out on that ring until we're sure she's safe." Keyes said.
"WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING CAPTAIN? AS A MATTER OF FACT, I BET YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH MR. ..."
BZZT! Captain Keyes riped out Cortana's little cartridge thingy before she could finish her little Mr. Belvedere accusation.
"Well chief, just take this little doohickey and shove it into your helmet, and be on your way to the escape pods. Oh, buy the way, you'll need a weapon, so here take this pistol. I don't keep it loaded, so you'll have to find some ammo somewhere."
"Um, sir? Why did you just hand me a fully loaded pistol, and say it wasn't loaded? and why would anyone keep an empty pistol with them? What good is that? I mean what would you do with it, throw it at someone?" Chief said.
"Uh, well, you see... LOOK OVER THERE! A GIANT CHINESE PANDA BRUTALLY MAULING TONY DANZA! Captain Keyes screamed, then ran away to hide behind the ficus plant from before.
"OMFG! TONY DANZA, NOOOOOOOOO! ...Sir? Where the hell did Captain Keyes go? Oh well, better get going..." Chief walked off the bridge of the Autumn.
"Hehehehe, he doesn't suspect a thing!" The captain said from behind the fairly large ficus. Still unbeknown to him that everybody on the bridge was staring at him.
"Blast! I'm seen, my ficus-camouflage is defective!" Keyes yelled as he noticed that everyone was looking at him, then ran off somewhere screaming about nuclear pancakes... or something...
Meanwhile, in the corridor outside the bridge, Master Chief walked forward with the fully loaded pistol that Captain Keyes told him was empty, in hand.
"HELP! HELP! THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!" A green grunt dressed as a leprechaun yelled in a high pitched voice as he ran by, followed by a few elites.
"Damn that grunt! he owes me money!" One of the elites yelled, and ran by not noticing Master Chief.
"Huh, well there's something else you don't see everyday." Chief said, and walked off to the mess hall where he heard some fighting going on.
(time for some random randomness!)
The sliding doors to the mess hall detected Chiefs presence and glided open to reveal another average battle between some Covenant and marines, everything appeared normal at first, but upon closer inspection to the trained eye, one would notice that one elite was 0.00000000000012 inches taller than the elite standing next to him. And there was a damn good reason for this, you see, in the year 2550, Walt Disney's frozen head was revived, and put on a 100 foot tall Inuyasha robot that breathed fire, and shot laser death beams, and launched missiles and some cool stuff like that, and I bet you have no idea why. Well one day in the Covenant holy city of High Charity's top secret laboratories, some engineers had just finished activating a newly-discovered forerunner time machine, and for an unknown reason, it teleported Heinrich Himmler and the Nazi Gestapo into the Covenant Holy city, and they made a big mess of the place, and the Prophet of Regret was all like "Oh Jesus! Just look at the big mess that the Nazis made!" But no one listens to the Prophet of Regret anyway. So as I was saying, Himmler then used the time machine to teleport Adolf Hitler to the future, and he forced the Grunts into concentration camps, and used them as slave labor to build a 100 foot tall Barbara Walters robot with Jujitsu fighting action, and a light saber... also he made the Grunts craft hundreds an hundreds of crappy lanyards and key chains to sell at his annual Hitler bake sale, to raise money to pay his cable and phone bills, because Hitler has bills to pay to you know. However that's not the point, you see, the head executives of Disneyland knew about this, and as the secret arch enemy of the Nazis, they were determined to stop Hitler, so that's why they thawed out Walt Disney, to pilot a giant robot to stop him, as for the Inuyasha thing, well, it was some fangirl's idea, or something... So then Walt Disney attacked Hitler's Barbara Walters robot with his Inuyasha robot, and saved the day, but Eva Braun went forward in time, so as to go back in time to stop Walt Disney from being born, thus somehow allowing Heir Furor to win, but Princess Diana was told by the oracle from the Matrix that this would happen in the future, so she built her own time machine out of old beer cans, a refrigerator, and used cars to travel forward in time, to travel back in time to stop Eva Braun from killing Walt Disney, thus winning the American war of 1812 and saving the day. And that my readers is where babies come from. Any Questions?
(end of the randomness)
Arbiter- "Wait, what the hell does that have to do with the elite being 0.00000000000012 inches taller than the other elite? And since when dose Princess Diana have a frigging time machine? And how does that explain where babies come from? I don't understand!"
Guilty Mc Spark- "A good question indeed Arbiter, but may I point out the fact that you're not in Halo 1, and have no reason for being here?"
"Now wait just one minuet! I do appear in Halo 1, I was 'Orna Fulsamee, ship master of the Truth and Reconciliation, and I have every right to be in this fan fiction! I was on the aptly named Truth and Reconciliation level, just on a different name, and in golden Zealot armor. So there." Arbiter/'Orna Fulsamee said.
"Wait, weren't you the gold armored Zealot with active camouflage on the bridge on the Truth and Reconciliation carrying an energy sword? That killed all those Marines that didn't follow Master Chief to go get captain Keyes from the holding cells?"
"Yup, that was lovable old me! ...I think." the Arbiter/'Orna Fulsamee said.
"If I recall correctly, then didn't Master Chief and Captain Keyes kill you when you lunged at him with your sword?"
"Uh, well you see, uh, that was probably a different Zealot, and um... LOOK OVER THERE! A MONKEY!" (the arbiter runs off somewhere)
"OMG! MONKEY! WHERE? ...Wait, there's no monkey here! Damn you Arbiter! you done tricked me!"
AND NOW BACK TO OUR STORY!
Chief then killed all of the remaining Covenant in the mess hall, and any Marines who got in the way when no one was looking... hoping no one would notice. so he then wandered off to the escape pods while the whole time silently contemplating in his mind, and occasionally with Cortana over who would win in a battle of epic proportions between the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz, and the Oompa Loompas from Wilie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. In the end the victory leaned toward the Oompa Loompas, because Wilie Wonka supplied them with better technology. But that's not important right now, what's important is that Master Chief found some grenades, and so the bloodbath begins...
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! SUCK GRENADE YOU COVIE' SONS O' BITCHES!" Chief yelled flinging grenades all over the Autumn, killing many, many people, both Covenant and Marine personnel.
"Chief, calm down, I know you haven't had any grenades to play with recently, but I think you're overreacting just a wee bit, so just use up the grenades you have on the Covie' sons o' bitches, and then we're going to take a little detour to the medical bay, to pick up your Ritalin, kay?" Cortana said.
"No! No Ritalin for me! John no likey his Ritalin! John angry! John smash! What's that little leprechaun? You want me to light the drapes on fire? Okay!" Chief said to thin air as he took out a lighter and lit a random set of drapes hanging from a nearby window on fire, then starts foaming at the mouth like a crazy bastard.
FWOOSH!
Then Sargent Johnson walks in to see the drapes on fire.
"HOLY SHIT! MY NEW PUPLE DRAPES! I JUST BOUGHT THOSE AT PIER 1 YESTERDAY! (little girl scream)
Everyone aboard the Autumn, even the Covenant, and the grenade-crazy Master Chief stares at Sarge.
"Oh, what I meant to say was, uh, uhhhhhh... Look over there! It's um, a distraction!" sarge said.
Everyone's still staring at Sarge.
"Oh come on Sarge! Even I could think of a better distraction than that!" Cortana said.
"I'd like to see you try!" Sarge said.
"Oh yeah? What about this? Ahem, HOLY FRIGGING CRIMENY JIM JIM ON A GODDAMNED POGO STICK! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF DAT BIG BOOTY BITCHES FINE RACK! DAAAAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNN!"
Everyone in the entire universe stops what they're doing and turns around to look in the direction that Cortana's pointing to, in hopes of seeing the big booty bitch's fine rack.
"See Sarge, I told you I could do better!" Cortana said happily.
"Yeah, well... shut up..." Sarge said.
"Oh nice comeback Sarge." Cortana said sarcastically.
"I DON'T NEED YOU TO BE HAPPY!" Sarge screamed, and ran off to go watch more All My Children.
"...I didn't see that coming, but shouldn't we be looking for the life pods?" Chief said.
"Right, the nearest life pod is approximately three feet away... Oh wait, never mind, it just launched..."
"Well where's the next closest one Cortana?" Chief said.
"Let me see, Oh yes, here's one, it's about 37 miles from here at the other end of the ship."
"Dammit!"
Many, many hours later...
(panting and out of breath) "Whew! We finally made it!" Chief said exhausted.
"Wait, hold on, it just launched."
"DAMMIT!"
"The next nearest life pod is... two feet away from the last one that launched at the other end of the ship... back where we started, where Sarge made a big scene when you went temporarily insane, and lit his favorite purple drapes on fire."
"THEN WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT EARLIER?" Chief yelled.
"A slight miscalculation..."
Sigh...
Several hundred hours later...
"Well that took longer than expected..." Chief said.
"It wouldn't have taken so long if you didn't stop for a drink at the karaoke bar on C deck.." Cortana said.
"Yeah, well my MJOLNIR armor is powered on alcohol."
"No it isn't."
"Yes it is."
"No, it isn't."
"YES IT IS!"
"NO IT IS NOT YOU STUPID BASTARD!"
"THE HELL IT ISN'T!"
"Hi there chief! what cha' doin'?" Captain Keyes said.
"What the hell? How did we end up on the bridge?" Chief said.
"It looks like you got lost." Keyes said.
"Then where the hell are the escape pods?" Chief yelled.
"The Bumble bee class escape vehicles are located just down the hall."
"You can take your damn bumble bee class escape vehicles and shove them up your fat ass, you ice cream loving man-whore." Cortana said angrily. "I still haven't forgiven you for your little 'holo whore' comment."
"Come now Cortana, can't we put the past behind us?" Keyes said.
"No."
"Kay, fine then ya' ugly bitch, I don't need you anyway. Wellsley, the Autumn's other A.I. can handle everything from here!"
"WELLSLEY? That drunk? First of all, that stupid bastard can't even microwave a damn hot pocket, none the less handle the coordination of a goddamn starship! And second of all, I am not ugly, and I get a face lift in Halo 2!" Cortana yelled at Keyes.
"Wait... What's 'Halo 2' ?" Chief said.
"Uh, nothing chief, now let's just follow this little nav point, and get off this stupid ship."
"Okay."
And so, in what seemed like days later, Chief and Cortana finally reach the escape pods,
"Hurry up you lazy sonuvabitch! The last lifeboat is about to launch! MOVE DAMN YOU! MOVE!" Cortana screamed in Chief's ear.
"DON'T YELL AT ME BITCH!" Chief yelled.
"Oh no! Oh no! We're all gonna die!" Some crazy freaking' out Marine yelled stumbling into the last lifeboat.
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! I'M BETTER THAN YOU, AND I HAVE MORE INSURANCE!" Chief yelled at the little spaz and threw him out of the bumble bee, closed the door, and watched him get slaughtered by the advancing Covenant forces.
"Chief! Why the hell did you do that? There was room in the lifeboat for one more!" Cortana said.
"But then I wouldn't have any place to put my feet up! Cortana, don't you think that my comfort is more important than one human life?"
"...NO! YOU DUMBASS!"
"Forget it Cortana, you'd never understand, so hey, pilot lady, where we going?" Chief said walking up to the pilot.
"Well, I think we're supposed to land on that bigass hula-hoop down there."
"The Autumn! She's been hit!" One of the crazy-ass freaking out marines said.
"I knew it! The Autumn's accelerating, that stupid bastard Keyes is going in manually!" Cortana said.
"HEY! Shut the hell up back there! I'm trying to drive!" the pilot said.
"You're not the boss of us! You can't tell us what to do!" A marine said.
"Dammit! I will not hesitate to turn this bumble bee around, and just for that remark we're not stopping at McDonald's on the way home!"
everyone- "Awwwwwww..."
And so the lifeboat cruses steadily toward the massive ring world, blissfully unaware of the perils that lie ahead...
Hooray! I finally updated! XD Yay! I think this is one of my best fan fics yet! Look people, I'm sorry I haven't updated in like forever, but I've had a lot of things going on lately, and you know, authors have lives too! Also, I resubmitted 'The Party-ing', and it is much better than before, so go check it out! And just so you know, one reason why I have been late on the updates, is because I am retyping my personal favorite fic, 'The Wizard of Haloz' and 'The Doomening', also I am working on some other fictions, and unfortunately that means that future updates will be few and far between, so be prepared for a wait. I look forward to your reviews, and I hope you check out the new version of 'The Party-ing' because it's really great! Toodels!