Chapter 22
Elizabeth quietly closed the door behind her. Lucky was asleep, and she didn't want to wake him. She needed a few minutes to herself away from Lucky. He hadn't left her side all week. He wanted to go with her to the studio. He stationed himself at the table near the window at Kelly's for all her shifts. He wouldn't leave her alone.
She made her way down stairs and took a seat at the counter. Her life was falling apart, she thought dropping her head in her hands. There was no way she would be able to continue pretending she was happy about being a model. It had already taken so much out of her already. She couldn't believe it. Why did Carly change her mind? From the beginning, Carly had never wanted her for the job, and now when the person she had chosen was going to get the position, she changed her mind. Elizabeth thought about the strange look Carly had given her after she made the announcement. It had caused the back of her neck to tingle. Carly was up to something. She wanted to hurt and humiliate her. Elizabeth was sure of it. But why? Carly had always hated her because of Jason – because he accepted Elizabeth's help when he was shot and not hers. But that was a long time ago. She couldn't still be mad about that, could she?
No, Carly's always treated her like a pest, but she's never set out to hurt her, Elizabeth thought. It had to be more than just the past. She thought about seeing Jason earlier tonight. He hadn't even talked to her – tell her hello. What did she expect, a smile and a big hug? A part of her screamed, yes! That was what she had wanted. At that moment, all she'd wanted was to have Jason's arms around her protecting her and taking her worries away.
Why was it so hard to forget Jason? She'd gotten on with her life the other times he'd left. But he didn't leave, she thought. She told him he couldn't be her friend and now both were suffering.
She thought back to Sony's question. Was she sure she only loved Jason as a friend or was there something more? She hadn't had an answer earlier, and she didn't have an answer now. She didn't know how she felt anymore. All she knew was that she missed him. Almost every other thought was about him and what he was doing. She'd cried when she realized after two days that Jason wasn't going to be stopping by Kelly's for coffee anymore. She had foolishly thought that at least she would get to see him when he came in to eat. It never occurred to her that Jason would honour her request completely by avoiding Kelly's altogether.
She'd been tempted to go to Jake's to see him. She'd wanted to just talk to him, but she didn't get passed Kelly's entrance. Lucky had come in just as she was going out and stopped her from leaving. He'd wanted to spend the day with her. It was as if he could read her mind and knew she was going to see Jason. She had felt guilty for the rest of the day.
Now that she thought of it, it was probably a good thing tat she didn't go to Jake's. What would she have said? Nothing had changed. She was still with Lucky. All she would have done was continue to hurt Jason and she didn't want to do that anymore.
"Elizabeth, you couldn't sleep?"
She looked up to see Emily coming down the stairs. "Me, either."
Elizabeth patted the seat beside her. "Well, pull up a chair."
"How about some hot chocolate," Emily entered the kitchen rather than taking a seat, "with chocolate syrup and sprinkles?"
Elizabeth agreed, "And three packets split two ways. That's just what I need right now."
Emily returned some time later with two cups in each hand. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
Elizabeth accepted the cup and raised it to her lips. "So what's keeping you up?"
Emily sat down in the chair next to Elizabeth and pondered the question. "I'm just excited I guess and a little worried. With the new job Jason's giving Zander, we'll be able to have enough money for an apartment. Living together is a big step. I know my family will freak when they find out. I'm only eighteen. They won't understand why it's so important to me."
Elizabeth didn't even understand why Emily was taking such a big step. "Explain it to me," she suggested. "If you can tell me, then you can tell your family."
Emily was quiet for a long time. "When Zander was shot over Christmas, I realized how close I came to losing him. I felt like a part of me was dying. I knew then that I really loved him. It wasn't like the love I felt for Juan. It was more than that – a hundred times more. I just couldn't see my life without him in it. I know you think I'm rushing, but you've been there. You know what's it's like to lose the love of your life."
Yes, she did, Elizabeth thought. She knew Emily was referring to Lucky, but she didn't have to think that far back. That's how she'd felt when she thought Jason was going to die in the warehouse. She envied Emily and her relationship with Zander. Emily seemed to have everything figured out. Unlike her, who seemed to be caught in a tidal wave that was taking her away from what she really wanted in life.
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth," Emily said. "I didn't mean to bring up bad memories for you."
"No, no, you didn't," she insisted not sure what to say. She couldn't tell Emily she was thinking of Jason. "I was just thinking about this modelling thing."
Emily could see Elizabeth wasn't as excited as Emily thought she would be. "So, give me all the details about tonight."
Elizabeth took a deep breath. "Okay. So, the party, okay," she didn't know where to begin. "Let me think. It was pretty much a nightmare. From start to finish, there were reporters everywhere, cameras flashing. My face hurts so bad from smiling. God, they kept asking the most personal questions, about the rape, Lucky's connection to Laura, even how I knew Sonny. It was horrible. Then Carly made her announcement."
Emily hesitated, "So, what, you don't want to be the new Face of Deception? I thought this was you dream coming true."
Elizabeth ran her hands through her hair. "I'm beginning to wonder whose dream this is – ours or just Lucky's."
"What do you mean?"
"I hate being a model. I hate having my picture taken even if Lucky is taking the pictures. I don't want my face on billboards or in magazines." Elizabeth felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted. She didn't have to keep it from Emily anymore.
Emily on the other hand was stunned. Was she so preoccupied with Zander that she didn't see her friend was suffering. "If you don't want to be a model, then just do something else."
If it were only that simple, Elizabeth thought. "But Lucky has his heart set on it," she said.
"Even when he knows you don't want to?" Emily couldn't believe Lucky wouldn't care about his girlfriend's happiness.
Elizabeth stared down to her cup. "Actually, I haven't quite told him yet," she admitted.
"Why not?"
"He's so excited about this photography thing, being a photographer. He has this wonderful image in his head about us working together and travelling the world. How can I disappoint him? He's the happiest I've seen him in months. I don't want to change that."
Emily didn't like the desperate tone in her friend's voice. "I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if he knew you weren't."
Elizabeth stood and began to pace. "You don't understand, Emily. If I tried to tell him I'm not happy, he'll go crazy. He'll see this as my way of destroying our dreams. He'll think I don't love him."
Emily didn't believe that. "Lucky knows how much you love him. He'll understand."
"No," Elizabeth insisted, "he won't. He won't understand. You don't know him like I do. You haven't been around him lately. He's not the same as he was before the fire. He needs constant reassurance that I'll never leave him. He thinks me wanting to spend even an hour by myself is my way of saying I don't love him. He thinks my friendship with Jason means I don't want to be with him."
Emily thought back to tonight when Lucky wouldn't let Elizabeth speak for herself. Was this what Jason was trying to tell her earlier. Was Lucky trying to control Elizabeth? "What about Jason?"
Elizabeth stopped pacing. "What about Jason?"
"How do you feel about Jason?" Emily needed to know. If Elizabeth and Lucky weren't the storybook couple she thought they were, then maybe she'd been wrong about Elizabeth's feelings for Jason.
Elizabeth didn't know what to say. How could she put what she felt about Jason into words? She didn't think she could or even if she wanted to. Emily was Jason's sister. She couldn't be objective about this.
"Jason's my friend, nothing more," she said trying to sound as casual as she could.
Emily didn't quite believe her. "Are you sure?"
Elizabeth couldn't believe it. This was the second time tonight that someone questioned her feelings for Jason. First Sonny and now Emily. Did they know something that she didn't?
"You're the second person to ask me that," she told Emily.
"Oh, really. Who else asked you?"
"Sonny came to my rescue with some photographers, and we started talking. I told him I loved Jason as a friend, and he asked if I was sure." She sat back down emotionally drained.
Emily tried to remain calm. "What did you say?"
She gave a small nervous laugh. "Nothing, Carly interrupted us to make her announcement."
"What would you have said?"
Elizabeth was quiet for a long time. Everything was so mixed up inside her. "I don't know," she admitted. "All I know is that I miss him. He was the first person I wanted to see after Carly's big announcement. I don't know how, but I knew he would make everything all right." She shook her head. "But that's wrong, Emily."
Emily was confused. "Why?"
"Because I shouldn't need to run to Jason to feel better. I shouldn't need Jason to make everything all right. I'm with Lucky. Everything is supposed to be perfect. And even if it wasn't, that's what Lucky is for. I should be going to Lucky, but all I do is lie to him about everything."
"Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something. Maybe you really want to be with Jason," Emily suggested.
"No, no, that can't be right," Elizabeth insisted. "Ever since I was 15, I have wanted to be with Lucky. We dreamed of being together."
"Yeah, but then you lost him," Emily interjected. "You met Jason and built a new life without Lucky. You started new dreams. It's okay to have new dreams Elizabeth - dreams change over time."
Elizabeth shook her head. She didn't want to hear this. "Lucky coming back was a miracle. I can't turn away from a miracle. I love him."
Emily wanted to shake Elizabeth until she opened her eyes. "I know you love Lucky, but do you love the Lucky he is now or are you still in love with the old Lucky?"
Elizabeth didn't understand the question. Weren't they the same person? Before she could reply, she heard footsteps at the top of the stairs.
"Elizabeth, what are you doing down there?" Lucky's voice carried to the lower level. "Come back to bed. You need your rest."
Elizabeth looked at Emily then headed upstairs without another word.
Emily took a deep breath. After her talk with Jason, she had wanted to hate Elizabeth for hurting him. But now she couldn't. She could see that Elizabeth was suffering just as much as Jason. And Lucky, she realized, was becoming a control freak. How could she not know what was going on around her? It was time she took off the rose coloured glasses she had about Elizabeth and Lucky. They weren't the perfect couple she thought they were. She was worried about Elizabeth and what would happen when she finally told Lucky the truth.